Emotionally messed up

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Hey everyone, this is a first for me. Not sure how or where to start. I would appreciate your advice. Here goes...

I am married for 9 years and have a beautiful daughter. My marriage is ok. It has lost the excitement and spark though which I have brought to my husband's attention. We are both working on our relationship and our marriage. Recently I came into contact with my ex on facebook. We haven't seen each other in ten years. We've been sending each other messages now and then. He is living abroad and will be visiting the country soon. He told me in his last message that he would like to see me again. Somehow this has been an emotional rollercoster for me. I want to meet him and then I don't. I am not sure if I still have feelings for him. I am also scared that we might not know what to say to each other. Do I tell my husband about him and his request or not? I am also scared that the fact that I have been in contact with him might somehow have been affecting my marriage, but somehow I can't bring myself to completely break contact with him. He is in a relationship with someone but he hardly speaks about her and sometimes I feel that I have to drag information out of him. I think about him all the time and what we had. How do I move on and forget about him when there is constantly something that reminds me of him even though he is so far away from me and we don't see each other. This does not make sense. My husband and my daughter are very important to me and I would never want to disappoint them. Why do I feel this way?

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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 855 • Replies: 6

[+4] - jespah - 02/06/2014Nostalgia. Seriously. Facebook and other social networking sites do this. They feed our nostalgic impulses by delivering images of old friends. And our friends curate their content. After...

@Takes123,

Nostalgia.

Seriously.

Facebook and other social networking sites do this. They feed our nostalgic impulses by delivering images of old friends. And our friends curate their content. After all, most people don't post images of themselves with stained shirts, or a hangover, or in the midst of being angry. You are seeing a rose-colored view of their life. And, in return, you're offering one up that's just as rosy.

If you really want to kick this feeling, agree to meet your friend. With your husband. I mean, mention it and everything. "Oh, and Craig (or whatever his name is) will be joining us. He's excited to be meeting you."

See what happens. If the ex is gracious and has no ulterior motives, he'll gladly agree to it, and might even suggest bringing his SO along as a fourth. Or your ex might balk, suddenly backing out of things. You will then know that his motives were/are less than pure.

I don't mind telling spouses this sort of thing, because it's honest and open. This is not for you to be comparative or do any bashing. Instead, it's "Craig, I've been in contact with Don, my ex, on Facebook. I'm sorry I didn't mention it earlier. I thought it was harmless, but I am mentioning it now and giving you full disclosure because I want there to be no secrets between us. He has actually suggested meeting and I mentioned I wanted to bring you along. And I do! But if you wouldn't want me to go at all, with or without you, I understand your feelings and will respect your wishes in this area."

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@Takes123,

You're in the state of emotional turmoil, as you've clearly shown. Is that the best time to meet up with an ex? I don't mean this as harsh at all but...whatever your life and marriage is lacking will still be lacking afterwards - perhaps risking making matters even worse.

Quote:

My marriage is ok. It has lost the excitement and spark though which I have brought to my husband's attention. We are both working on our relationship and our marriage.

If you met with your ex (with or without your hubby's knowing), that's not actually 'working on your marriage'. Your current problems need no further complication or distraction. Stick it out and work on your marriage. When you have exhausted any further possibility and you're legally separated, perhaps then would be the time to consider other options.

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@Takes123,

Whenever a marriage hits a rough spot, as you say yours has, it is only natural to think about what it would have been like with someone else. But not natural to obsess about it. You need to work on your marriage and stop thinking about this other guy.

Quote:

Recently I came into contact with my ex on facebook

Why would you make contact with this ex? Is this an ex-husband or ex-boyfriend?

Code:We've been sending each other messages now and then.

Does your husband know about this? If not, why? Could it be you are feeling guilty about the contact because your motive for the continued contact is not the purest?

My advice. Do not under any circumstances meet up with this guy without letting your husband know. Invite your husband to go with you if you and the ex do decide to meet up. (He may be fine with not going, but at least you would have given him an option.) If you really want to make your marriage work, then stop the contact with this guy since you seem to be obsessing over him rather than obsessing over your husband.

Quote:

I think about him all the time and what we had.

Why? What you had with him did not work out (for whatever reason, it does not matter.) Why would you think about what you had when what you had did not work out? You're acting like a school girl instead of a grown woman.

Quote:

How do I move on and forget about him when there is constantly something that reminds me of him

You move on and forget about him by stopping the contact if that is what it takes. Name one thing that "constantly" reminds you of him after being away from him for over 9 years.

Quote:

My husband and my daughter are very important to me and I would never want to disappoint them.

Then don't. Stop the contact and you won't disappoint them.

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@jespah,

Thanks Jespah!

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@Ragman,

Thank you for your response Ragman. I agree with you.

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@CoastalRat,

Why would you make contact with this ex? Is this an ex-husband or ex-boyfriend? He's an ex boyfriend and my first serious relationship.

Does your husband know about this? If not, why? Could it be you are feeling guilty about the contact because your motive for the continued contact is not the purest? No, he does not. He's kind of jealous and does not like talking about my ex boyfriends. Not that I had many, but when I try to talk to him about my past or even mentions my past he changes the conversation and says he is not interested. So then I just keep quiet. Maybe you are right, maybe i do feel guilty...

Why? What you had with him did not work out (for whatever reason, it does not matter.) Why would you think about what you had when what you had did not work out? You're acting like a school girl instead of a grown woman.
True, I get your point and maybe you're right about this one haha

Thank you for your response. It's much appreciated.

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Emotionally messed up

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