Can An Internet Connection Become Real Love?

Yeah, I'm with Bill on this one.

Good luck, Setanta.

He's not willing to walk away from his marriage and kids. I have a great deal of respect for him. If he were willing to leave them, I would know that I could never trust him and I would write him off as a jerk and none of this would be a problem. We are both committed to our marriages. Had we met 28 years ago, this would not be a problem.

I would say that 28 years ago was a time young enough to not think. Some thinking today must be involved. If you are both committed to your marriages, then don't let it get out of hand. Simple answer. Note that I'm not saying don't pursue it as a friendship.

cav...we have the friendship. The problem is, by the end of the night, no matter how hard we try, we always manage to wind up in the backseat like a couple of teenagers.

Folks in Internet relationships who meet privately with no one else around are practically guaranteed to have sex. That's not a 100% guarantee but it happens quite a lot. This is probably due to a feeling that there's nothing left to lose and that you may not see one another again. You've had hot and heavy conversations which obviously have happened outside your husband's hearing - I take it he's (your husband) been away from the house at the time or you have gone elsewhere with a cel phone to have these talks (by the way, I'm sure you know this, but cel phone conversations are anything but secure). Anyway, what you have is a lot of buildup and then if there's wine and nice music and you're all alone and no one else is there and your feelings are bubbling up to the surface and the room is private and all of that and the bottom line is, it will be very, very difficult to not end up at least smooching and since you're both adults one thing could quite easily lead to another.

This is a dangerous fantasy if you value your marriage and/or your husband, even if you only value him as a friend or a good guy and not as your husband. If your husband gets wind of this, he will very likely be devastated, even if all you and this guy do is have a conversation. So you need to think about how that would make you feel, if you really hurt him, and how it would feel if he never found out and you held it in forever, and how it would feel if everything went to hell and you ended up divorced. You have a LOT to lose here.

I'm with Setanta - I think this guy is handing you what is a very convenient line. He may mean it but it looks like a 'Net pickup line to me and I've heard quite a few of them.
You're the best girl in the chatroom
Your picture is great! You're so beautiful!
You write from the heart
I feel so close to you, so quickly
I'm lonely and you opened up my world again
Etc. etc. you get the idea

If you want to go through with this, fine, you're an adult, like I said, and he's an adult, but be aware of the possible motivations on his part and of the potential ramifications of going through with this.

doglover - definitely not an easy one.

Online relationships can become very intense, very quickly. None of the real-life crap of laundry and bills and walking the dogs and getting to work on time. Just the glorious meeting of minds, which can be very exciting.

Truthfully, meeting in a hotel sounds dumb if you really mean to pursue a relationship as friends. I'm not having a heart attack, just telling you that it's not how friends meet. But I think you know that.




Where are your husband and his wife when the two of you are back-seatin' it? Have you considered the ramifications if one or both of them finds out? Have you got a plan for that eventuality? An on-line acquaintance of mine came home not too long ago to find his belongings on the lawn. His wife had put a net-nanny on the computer, and discovered all of his 'meetings of the mind'. His lawyer has already told him he's lucky he's got his clothers, because that's all he's going to end up with.

on the other hand.......

Yeah Dys, I wanna hear your take.

well, I just happen to think that even with all the possible negatives the turtle makes no progress without sticking its neck out. Living is risky business, be sure to look both ways before crossing the street.
ps guilt can be so overwhelming it can destroy any future potential.

I think that's decent advice, dys, as long as the only neck the turtle is sticking out is its own. Once there are marriages involved, well, I'll simply say that I believe things need to be handled with a lot more care.

DL

I don't think it is possible to develop the kind of bond your talking about when the premise of the "relationship" is founded in deceit.

It sounds like infatuation. Really, it does, and all the more titillating because it's illicit.

Best wishes, though. Sounds a bit tortuous.

She had nine buttons on her nightgown
But she could only . . . fasten eight . . .

Ow, hey . . .

Ow, cut that out, OWWW . . .

I wuz only kiddin' . . . Oww . . . i'm comin', leggo my ear . . .

No, No, No, No, NO! First of all, if this guy has told you he thinks he's fallen in love with you after just writing and talking on the phone for three months, I'm sorry, but that just doesn't sound right to me. Either he's handing you a line, or he's emotionally unstable. You are going to regret it. DON'T GO THROUGH WITH THIS.

If you are happily married, why do you want to take a chance like that? I think it's just a dumb thing to do. But if you do, I'll be glued to the TV when I see you all on Jerry Springer.

Yes it is possible, but proceed with extreme caution. Its easy for people to be something for a while and gradually start exhibiting their real self over a period exceeding the time for which you've known this guy.

That's for sure!
I try not to consider any serious commitment for at least 3 years into a relationship, because I've seen that some people take that long to show (or else I take that long to notice) the really irritating things about them!

Doglover, all the advice you've been given is excellent. The worst problem is, of course, a happy marriage. Are there children involved? Those two are important in making it possible to enter into a happy, stable relationship. With a 'fairly' happy marriage and/or young children, there is no possibility of finding an outside relationship you can live with and feel good about.

Dys and I were able to find an astonishing love, but we had no young children and my marriage had been almost nonexistent for years. Even with that, I was torn more than I've ever been in my life. Sometimes the guilt would bring me to my knees.

The final answer for me was that, at sixty years old, if I didn't do this, I would go back home and right into the numbness that I had lived with for years and years. I was never unfaithful nor was my exhusband, so there was no history for me, just a rut of being treated dismissively and with condescension.

Both Dys and I are happier than we've ever been in our lives, but the cost wasn't inconsiderable. Now I could never go back. I'm amazed at what true love is all about--and it isn't the teenage kind of impossible longing, just relaxed, passionate at times, friendly, with true companionship and unconditional love. The bills get paid and all the little necessities are taken care of without the usual chore mentality.

I am one lucky woman. For me, life began at sixty.
I hope that your choice brings you as much happiness or, if not happiness, a kind of acceptance that it might be better some other time.

Good luck and, please, be careful.

Diane, I was holding my breath waiting for you to post. I'm so glad you didn't let me expire.

Doglover, there's a reason why you "feel like such a creep." It's called "conscience." Listen to it. You can trust that gut feeling more than you can trust your heart right now. What you're feeling is so intense that you think it must be "love." But it isn't. It's infatuation.

That said, you can certainly still enjoy the feelings while they last. You'll get a huge burst of energy. The world will seem brighter. Deeper. More meaningful. Enjoy it, but be aware that it won't last. You do know it won't last, don't you? It never does. It can't. The adrenaline level alone would kill you if sustained indefinitely.

If it helps, yes, I do know just how it feels. I've been there. Fortunately, I didn't give in to it. Because of that, I still have a happy marriage and now I have a very good, trusted friend, too. Plus my self-respect. It could have turned out much, much worse.

A good marriage doesn't exempt you from these feelings. It's what you do about them that counts. I don't believe in "soul mates." Love is not fate; it is a series of decisions we make. Make them wisely.

Panzade, no way in the world would I let you expire. Besides, Dys and I want to meet you at the next Florida gathering.

Eva, as usual, you're post is perfect.