Is he cheating?

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Many things have changed in my marriage over the last year. We've been together 22 years. This last year has been tough. I surrendered a professional license and can no longer practice in my field. Before this occurred we had agreed I would retire in one year. He earns good money. I got depressed due to feeling like my safety net was gone. I gained 25 pounds. Within two months of the incident, he would behave as though any call he would receive from me at work was annoying. Mind you if at all I call only once daily and maybe for a couple of minutes. He was curt and short with me. His business dinners nearly doubled. He purchased clothing to change at work on 2 occasions ( claiming he had important meetings and what he was wearing was sub-par). This never happened before. Ours sex life has dwindled. He insisted on getting a company cell phone..although it didn't save us any money. Although he gave me the pass code all calls and history are always cleared. In addition to the company dinners there are now many business lunches as well . Charges are always on a credit card which is not in my name and can't access. He is often irritable and short with me. He even smacked me hard on the head one day(. This was also a first..he had never put his hands on me before). He has also flirted with waitresses in my presence ( asking their name repeatedly and asking about their personal life). We never have spontaneous sex anymore. He asks questions like : can we have sex tomorrow?. It feels more like he is making a date to fulfill an obligation . He doesn't touch me in a sexual way anymore unless we're in the bedroom. Please give me your honest opinion. Thanks in advance.

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@Germlat,

Any opinions here that anyone could express probably wouldn't help you as much as directly as speaking with him about these issues. Frankly, from what info you supplied, it doesn't sound too good. You have my sympathy.

However, if you can't get a satisfactory answer from him directly, suggest counseling. At some point, even making an appointment for your counseling session alone should be in the cards. Your fears might be well founded but regardless, your situation IN TOTAL is very upsetting to you...for several reasons. Personal ones (weight gain), marriage as well as professionally

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@Ragman,

Thank you..you sound very honest and give good advice. But-- we had that incident in the past he did not want to go to counseling . He felt he couldn't trust their judgement. I agree to a certain extent. Simply because you are a counselor doesn't mean you are wise. Most of the time I feel as though if someone wants to be with you nothing could keep them from you...if they want to rid themselves of you..any excuse will do. I have been a hard working, loving and faithful wife throughout our marriage . I guess what I'm wondering is if this is typical of a middle aged marriage or off the charts!

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@Germlat,

I might be mistaken. I hope you don't think I'm a counselor. Perhaps you don't and referring to them. True, that some counselors aren't wise and don't give you timely or good advice.

Other counselors are good and give you advice you may not want to hear. all of which can add to distress level. My advice, free as it is, you need to find yourself a good counselor for yourself and help sort these major issues out.

If you don't have a good one, perhaps you can get some good help from ma church or religious minister. If not that, there are a few good resources if you state what major city you live near. One of here might make that process a tad bit easier so you can get someone to help you soon.

Middle-aged people in high stress situations, as you know, often go through all kinds of personal changed. Add to that the added stress of job loss, weight gain and other major stressors, you have the stuff of relationship challenging major distress. At some look up (through web search like Google) what are the major psychological stressors (like 6 or 8 of them). you'll see quite a few of the ones you list in your mutual scenarios.

However, all this being said, you have a bit more involved history as shown by the previous post:

http://able2know.org/topic/223389-1#post-5510603

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@Ragman,

No I don't think you're a counselor. You really do have sound advise. Perhaps I'm apprehensive about counselors because I've had friends who were and were emotional train wrecks ( not saying we're not all at some point). I guess I'm curious as to how this post sounds to others. At the end of the day..I guess it is all about gaining support in believing what you think you already know.

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@Germlat,

I've been listening and concur with Ragman (including about other posts). But on this situation, it smells like a duck.. (or some phrase like that - I tend to make up phrases and even words).

On counselling (I picked two l's), I had one experience in my early twenties where the religious organization counsellor didn't believe me (a rape situation) and the time was both a waste and demeaning. I learned to counsel myself, a rickety scenario. But, in the years since, I've seen counselling work for people, so now I'm more for it than not. And I've several friends in the counselling realm and see your point.

My main question is why can't you get your license back? Not to be invasive. You don't have to answer at all or you could pm me if it's personal and you don't want it on the forums. I've had two state licenses, both in California, one in medical technology, a career I gave up in early 1980 but kept up the license for another twenty years (and that involved continuing educations lectures); the other is my later obtained landscape architecture license, which I would still keep up if I had the money; it's a field I was very happy to be part of. I don't know, if I suddenly found a suitor I loved at my now advanced age and he happened to have money to spend, if they would take me back - probably not, might have to take the three day exams again. Pfffft!

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@ossobuco,

I was planning on retiring in one year. My husband was in full agreement. It was a soul-sucking situation I never enjoyed but stayed put in until I could not take it for one more minute. My husband is financially solvent . I think towards the end...I was less willing to take the abuse and more willing to speak out. Hindsight is 20/20. I wasn't about to take an administrative case without a lawyer and my husband said " we're not paying for a lawyer..you were planning on retiring in a year anyway". Without my own income I had no choice but to agree. Now I think he doesn't respect me because I can no longer carry my own weight. I never thought it could turn out like this. During my entire single/married life I've always been able to make my own financial decisions.

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@Germlat,

On the face of it, I'm on your side. There are always several sides, but that is how I feel, re your description of things.

I think you need a lawyer now (and a lawyer back then too).

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@ossobuco,

I agree but the reason I'm in this situation is that I can't carry the financial burden. What do you think of the relationship aspect. Ask questions if needed.

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@Germlat,

Insecurity breeds more insecurity. I am reading and seeing, nothing at all really about "this has been going on forever" rather, new, on this side of it anyway, the dinners, clothes etc.

But, with one thought comes 20 more if you let it.

If your husband is asking for sex, it could be that he is feeling your "insecurity" and not sure how to approach.. He's asking. That's something isn't it? Maybe you need to engage in a part time job, or a lot of hobbies so you can smile again and feel worthy.

Could this be your thought pattern? Un-worthy so backing away and in that, he's feeling un-worthy and so living it up?

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@Germlat,

My sympathies are with you. These are tough times for many of us...not all of us. sometimes people loose sight of their consideration, sensitivity, and prioritize emotions and desires that don't fit the big picture. maybve he's feeling pressure...of some sort but of course than in no way could justify any cheating. my motto is 'Keep your principles and commitment AT ALL costs'!

Who knows if that is in another's mind? Even one's own life partner or spouse?
{Edit: check out about what Found Soul just wrote}

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@Germlat,

Relationships are thickets, hard to make a sane comment.
I've no idea how to find an attorney with no funds to pay but I think there are firms out there who take on these things. Are you still married? Presumably you have some part of his money. At least make an appointment with a recommended attorney to talk about the situation.

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@ossobuco,

No..no attorney will take a case without money unless it's a case that promises notoriety or future reimbursement . I'm walking on eggshells here. His demeanor toward me has changed. Is he bitter toward me or having an affair? Two months into the situation he said he didn't recognize the girl he fell in love with...after 22years really?.. WOW

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@FOUND SOUL,

Not true..most of this has happened in the last year. We had a two year rough stretch 7 years ago also but we resolved it until this arose.

1 Reply

@Germlat,

Was the rough page simular?

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@Germlat,

His demeanor may have changed in that you've gotten nitsy, whining about work and so on. You aren't the only one who made a spouse relook (I coin that word), but at best that change is talked about. If only men talked.

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@ossobuco,

There is such an organization(s) called by various names 'Free Legal Aid' (while they're not a full lawyer they are qualified paralegals) whose help can be obtained in many areas. They might help you with some legal details that could be of use to you should you decide ( or even before) about pursuing legal hiring and/or protecting any assets you already have. They can front-end the process so you can protect yourself should things get a bit iffy in your marriage sooner than you could anticipate.

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@FOUND SOUL,

Sorry misread your post..I see what you mean. You are right. I just had so much of my identity caught up in my work. I am trying to redefine myself but it takes time. Sometimes I feel I'd be perfectly ok with just being a housewife ( never thought I'd be ok with this). As a matter of fact all the wives of my husband's business peers don't work..he even brought that up to me. But he was not raised like them..everyone in his family has always worked. Since I quit working he makes weird comments about me being unfaithful in a joking manner. It really bothers me. I would never disrespect him or cheat on him. He went as far as saying it seemed one of my friends was my female lover! ( he apologized and said he was jealous of her)

Is he cheating?

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