Wedding Bells and Other Annoying Things

Small, deferential kindnesses to the MIL re: the wedding will make your married life much easier. You would be astonished at the numbers of spoiled, selfish grown women, who actually think they have rights in their son's marriage.

They have not one right, but as many privileges as you will allow them.

Ask their advice on an issue you care little to nothing about: a song, an accessory color, what finger foods... whatever you don't care about. Let them feel you value their opinion, even if you don't. You may live to be thankful you did.

Any man who thinks his mother should run the wedding is not a man I'd marry. Will he take her side in your future disagreements? Will he think she should have a hand in raising her grandchildren? HELL NO.

Think hard about this. And very good wishes to you.

My MIL has been rather bossy and nosey throughout our marriage, but she meant well, I guess. She made the mistake, however, of buying me a box of Thank-You cards right before the wedding, as if I'd embarrass her by not thanking her friends. Wow.

Both my sons are married now and I had absolutely nothing to do with the wedding! Except, I paid for one son's honeymoon and the bar bill at the reception, and honeymoon for the other.

We enjoy the grandkids, but it sure is nice to have NOTHING to do with their upbringing except loving them.

Hmmm, still glad I eloped though I adored my <rest-in-peace> Mother in law and would have been very attentive to any advice she had to give me. A true friend to me, once she got over her disappointment at the tiny wedding.

On another front... a friend ruined his marriage right from the start by having a prostitute at his bachelor's party. When the bride found out, she was furious. She never trusted him again and they were divorced within a couple of years.

Do groom's organize their own bachelor parties in the U.S.? Here they are 'surprise parties', much as bridal showers are. As tempting as it is, can't blame the groom for many of the idiocies that happen at their bachelor parties.

Unless he does it with the hired help.

If they're idiots enough to have friends like that, and idiots enough to drunk so much that they do stupid things, it can't exactly be news to anyone. Idiots is idiots.

Having seen more than one nekkid, blind-folded man tied to a chair in an elevator as a result of bachelor party prank, i can't say i expect too much of men who have these friends.

Eloping seems more and more sensible, when you think about it.

The son of a friend of mine had a rather lovely set-up. He and his girlfriend got married at city hall, with one witness each. They then went home, told family and sent out invitations to a reception to be held on their return from their honeymoon. The reception was great, everyone was so relaxed. The bride and groom had everything the way they wanted, as they'd planned everything on their own.

Bachelor parties .... hehehehe. They can be just the warmup!

Back around the time of muscle cars, one of my sisters got married to a nice fellow. Typical ostentatious, big-church, huge-reception wedding. Mom was thrilled, Dad was proud and nowhere near as begrudging of the expense as he let on. Anyway, at the reception, my brothers and I, with the aid of coconspiratorial freinds, saw to it the groom abused far more substances of an array of varieties than would have been prudent for a man of much greater body mass and experience than he happened to have been. He slept for three straight days. My sister took a couple of Presidential Terms to forgive us.



timber

Smooth... Timber, v. smooth. Must have taken a lot of sandpaper to get that good.

Beth -- We all knew he was an idjit... it was his bride who had the wrong idea. BTW, it was not one of his friends but a business associate who arranged the hired help. They had fast livers, now they're fairly hardened.

ehBeth -- certainly it's the groom's wedding, too. But most grooms could care less about the color of the bridesmaid dresses and which color linens or what kind of cake/entree/etc. will be served, let alone who has to sit at which table and the like. This is, I admit, based solely on personal experience. It's the young woman who usually has been dreaming and planning this day, and the young man who often thought he'd never, ever get married, let alone in front of hundreds of people. May be an old fashioned idea, but I know of several recent brides (and my daughter, the bride-to-be) who are still experiencing this phenomenon. They may say they want to help (the grooms, I mean) but have very little idea of what is involved and often can see no reason on earth why one needs to have this kind of flower or that kind of favor -- and all the other things that the bride feels are essential to making her wedding day perfect.

Miss Manners, here.

I suggest a bride to be, who wants to include her fiance, should jot down a list of all the categories which will have to be decided.
flowers
location of service
music
number of attendants...ad nauseum

She should ask him which, if any of these categories is important to him. Which ones he would like a say in.

Probably none, but at least he would have been given a chance to make some decisions.
If she's a smart girl, she may run the list by the MIL.

If he IS interested, at least she won't blow him off on the few areas he may really care about.

Happened to find an ancient copy of Etiquette by
Ms Emily herself in my book closet the other day.
It IS, of course the bride's wedding...mommy and
daddy pay for practically all of it.....and I do kind
of agree with Timber that the husband is well, sort
of "a necessary part of the parade", but he IS an
insignificant player in the big scheme of things,
what does HE have to do with invitations, guest lists,
gift registries, yada yada yada. I have seen some
true doozies of weddings - but after the ceremonies
the marriages don't last out a full year
Generally, I would say that is paying way too much
and for way too little.
By the by, I loved the story about letting the bridal
flowers hit the dirt, what I'd give to have seen that!
And the look on her face, and the look on YOUR face.

Actually today etiquette of old has little to do, many of todays grooms have a great say in their weddings, and how much is spent, etc. BELIEVE ME...I have discussions with grooms ALL THE TIME.
They on one hand want to be involved and on the other just want to show up. They have evolved into something that I cant define but certainly think its a good move on some...it his wedding as well, after all.
It all depends on the circumstances of the couple themselves and you go from there.

bandylu - it is not necessarily the case that the man is not interested in wedding details and that the woman is. i've seen examples of all variations of the theme, all the way up to the man i spent 17 years with. i was so disinterested in the idea of the wedding that i never would agree to marry him. he, on the other hand, just married for the second time, and was the primary planner for this wedding. he organized the church, the colours, the flowers, the music, the food, everything except the actual wedding dress. he's an extremely manly man, to whom marriages and weddings mean a great deal. luckily, it takes all kinds.

Weddings have to be made to measure the couple. If they wish to involve other family and friends in the decision-making process, that is their right, but certainly not an obligation. Emily Post and all her friends are long dead.

I was with you Lash on the bride making the list and running it passed the groom. You're right. She won't get halfway thru it before he screams uncle. But the MIL? No way. That invites many people, especially MIL's, to do exactly what you don't want them to do. Try and take over. Earlier someone suggested that the bride should ask the MIL's advice about something she's not so particular about and I thought that was pretty clever. But, what wouldn't the bride be particular about? I couldn't think of anything that the bride wouldn't want a sayso on. Can you?
PS. ehbeth, you have GOT to realize how rare your man is.

I can understand your point very well.
The fact is a MIL can make your life miserable, and sometimes it only takes throwing her a bone now and then to keep her from nipping your heels.
My reasoning, flawed though it may be, was if a bride to be showed her categories, and was diplomatic enough to restrict MIL to one or two categories that were not very important to the BTB, she would forever not have to hear the complaints from the MIL, and possibly start off on a good footing with the in-laws.

Aspects of my wedding that weren't important to me: what I served at the reception---I would've liked suggestions on decorations---I wasn't stuck on which florist---I didn't care about time of day (though I know some do)---

The thing is, there are thousands of small details that a MIL would feel wonderful about just being asked for advice.

But, again, the day belongs to the BTB.

Are rehearsal dinners still done? That would be a good chore to pass off to the MIL and FIL too, I think. Let them handle the whole thing from where the dinner is held to what's being served.
You're right. A smart woman will try and build a relationship with her mother-in-law. Are you still listening, Sugar?

eoe--
Rehearsal dinners are still done here in the South, and I know Miss Manners and Emily Post have been throttled on this thread, but the Rehearsal Dinner is actually their responsibility, if you follow etiquette protocol.

I still buy some of the protocol, but it has been updated for more personalized wishes of the couple, which is, of course, great.

I wonder if Sugar has been peeking in. Hope she gets some ideas that will help her.

Also, a rather strong statement I made earlier came to mind. I said something about "I wouldn't marry a man who wanted his mother to run the show." If Sugar sees this, please know that I can't possibly know the details of the issue, and I retract my rather rigid statement.

I'm peeking in....thanks all.

Talked about it with the groom-to-be some more (and complained a bit to quinn1 last night - sorry, but thanks girl!!!!!!!!)

The boy says "It should be our wedding, screw what anybody else thinks we should do" which is very good. We haven't quite agreed on wedding size, which is a bit of a pain, but I've run some ideas by him and he hasn't said "I hate that idea" so, slowly but steadly moving along.

I would like his input - we've been friends for 10 years and it's his party too. There are some things he's not going to care about (like flowers, and I don't care about those either) but he's surprised me about the things he does really care about - he wants me to wear a white dress, and we've had one go around about the whole last name thing.

It'll work out, but I appreciate hearing other peoples stories so that I might be able to have some bright ideas I haven't thought of.


- and not to worry. I wouldn't marry a man who let his mother run the show either. I might make fun of him, but I wouldn't marry him.