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Wedding Bells and Other Annoying Things

 
 
Sugar
 
Reply Fri 20 Dec, 2002 09:23 am
I recently got engaged. People keep asking me "When's the date"?! and you know what? I have no clue. I haven't even finished my Christmas shopping. One thing at a time! But the boy DOES want to talk about it now. Pppbbbttthhhhhh.

To make a long story short, the groom-to-be and I aren't really agreeing on anything to do with a wedding. Shocking, I know. We have different ideas on how many people and when to have it. He seems to think that having his mother run the show and getting on a plane to get married in a different country is a great idea. I do not. (We are both from Boston and all of our friends live close, or at least in the US.) I want to have a 100 person gathering here, but his family is so big I'd have to invite 300 - and I'm just not doing it.

Long story short, the whole ugly weeding planning thing is already a pain, and I've only had a ring for two weeks.

And now, to the question: what are some things you wish you had never done on your wedding day? What are some things you are so glad you did? Is there anything you'd do differently? (Besides get married to someone else.)
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 8,586 • Replies: 104
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au1929
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Dec, 2002 09:28 am
Do yourself a favor Elope. Rolling Eyes
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Phoenix32890
 
  2  
Reply Fri 20 Dec, 2002 09:31 am
Sugar- Personally, I think that BEFORE you set the date, you need to come to some kind of agreement. When you talk about your fiancee wanting to have his mother run the show, that doesn't set off bells for me, it sets off GONGS!

I think that you and your fiance need to have some very long talks about how you are going to run your lives together, beyond the wedding. I may be reading too much into this, but my first husband was a mama's boy, and it was no fun. You really need to know where your fiance is coming from, and you don't want to find out AFTER the wedding!
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Sugar
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Dec, 2002 09:34 am
We already do, Phoenix. I've known him for 10 years and he's not a mama's boy, but says he feels bad because "she has two boys, and no girls and feels left out."

I'm not really too concerned about that part. I already told him that it's really not my problem. He's a little ticked about it, but que sera.
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littlek
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Dec, 2002 09:37 am
Hey sugar - congrats! At least you both have good senses of humor.
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bigdice67
 
  2  
Reply Fri 20 Dec, 2002 09:40 am
Makes ya nervous...
Our wedding plans were done in a minute... We didn't have the moneys at that time, and our parents said that we were old enough to pay for ourselves Shocked , which we happily did!

What we did was inviting our friends to have a little party in the bar where I was working, just drinks and a light snack, dancing the night away. Oh, we also had our families for lunch in our favorite restaurant, that was the most expensive part!

The big party was never in our minds... but if you're "somebody" here in our region, you gotta invite at least 200 or more guests.

Anyways, getting married to my wife was the best thing I ever did!
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jespah
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Dec, 2002 09:53 am
First off, congratulations!

Second, hmmm, we didn't have any kids under the age of 8. This caused a few hard feelings but we were adamant. Turned out the parents of said kids were mostly relieved to have them go to a sitter for the day. Someone's precious darling might look cute, but they often can't tolerate a normal-length ceremony in pretty much any faith. It was a joy to not hear crying during the ceremony.

Our friends understood when we limited their SOs to people who either we knew or were at least at 'engaged-level'. Sorry, but we just didn't have the $$ to give everyone the chance to bring a date. Lines have to be drawn somewhere, and that's where we drew them.

Be prepared for at least a few people to not acknowledge the invitation at all. I ended up calling these people about a week before the wedding. Pretty much uniformly, they hadn't received the invitation. And, uniformly, none of them felt slighted or wanted to come. Hence, those phone calls were more or less a waste of time.

We were married on a Monday (of Memorial Day Weekend). It was a very inexpensive day to be married (Saturday is the most expensive, then Friday, then Sunday). Plus, we had a noon wedding, so lunch was served. Again, this saved $$. Our wedding was probably about 1/3 cheaper than it could have been simply because of the date and time when it was held.

Don't feel obligated to invite everyone you know, and neither should the groom's side. Cut the guest list, then put it aside for a week, then cut it some more. Repeat as needed. Many people use their children's weddings as a way to pay back all sorts of old social obligations. This isn't necessary, and all it does is add to the expense and hassle of the day, as you lean down to kiss people who you don't know, and struggle to remember their names. "Oh, thank you for the serving fork!" etc.

A small wedding has the same trappings as a large wedding, in terms of hall, gown, caterer, photographer, etc. So, yes, cut the guest list, but it doesn't need to be cut so far that people who should be there (close family and friends) are excluded. What we did was, we started off with a number of people (100 - 150). We ended up inviting about 140 and about 120 came to the wedding. We didn't dip far into the second-cousins pool. As stated above, we didn't go nuts in terms of allowing dates and kids. My side far outrepresented Mr. Jespah's. I think my side had 6 tables, his side had 2, our friends had 1 and my parents' friends had another 1. Tables seat 10 - 12 persons.

A wedding far away from your friends and family will, of course, result in a small wedding. And, your attendants will be paying for not only their attire and a gift for you, but also for their airfare and accommodations, unless you or your parents or your fiancé's parents pick up the tab. That means that the bill for your female attendants can hit $1,000 even before they pick out a gift for you (male attendants will be paying closer to $600 before the the gift) - either way, that's a lot to ask them to pay for.

In short, the wedding day should be your vision - yours and your fiancé's, not his mother's. Even if she's footing the bill. And, if she is, defer in ways that are comfortable for you (you're going to have to, at least a little bit. If she holds the purse strings, you'll need to make some compromises). But you don't need to defer for everything. Pick your battles. The color of the cocktail napkins isn't important - where and when your wedding is, and who's invited - that is important.
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Piffka
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Dec, 2002 10:48 am
Good ideas Jespah. Well planned weddings are wonderful things, and there are many who also wonder why they are invited to big weddings (Presents, not just presence, comes to mind!). We got married on our own. My feeling is that the more attention paid to the wedding, the less will be paid to the marriage.

It is good to have flowers, a photograph or two, and a meaningful moment between you and your spouse. A party with friends is good, but it can be later. My MIL was miffed that I refused to have a social wedding but it was the best thing we ever did and she quickly forgave me.

The only other thing I would suggest is that in planning the date for your wedding, consider that late April-early May is a wonderful time of year to travel almost anywhere in the years to come and still not pay high-season prices. Look ahead to your anniversaries, not just to your wedding!
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Sugar
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Dec, 2002 10:56 am
Thanks for the stories!

My parents have offered to pay for the wedding, but I certainly don't want them to feel that they have to pay for everything. Even if I had a million dollars for a wedding, I'd still want something intimate and small. And I can think of a lot of good uses for the money beside wedding favors Wink

A lunchtime wedding is a good idea too. All stories are welcome - I'm trying to come up with creative ways to make us both happy.
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jespah
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Dec, 2002 11:01 am
PS Sugar, consign yourself to the fact that something will go wrong. It always does. And, when it does, say to yourself, Okay, the thing that was going to go wrong has, and now I can move on with the rest of the day.

For us, it was the DJ forgetting to bring our wedding song. I improvised. It turned out fine.
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Dec, 2002 11:22 am
I dunno, Piffka, we had a lot of fun with a rather big (not huge) social wedding. We both have a weird variety of friends -- science nerds and punks, aging blues musicians and Young Republicans -- and it was so cool to have everyone in one place for the first (and probably last) time.

That's cool that you don't have to worry about money, Sugar. (And I have every confidence that you won't be coerced into doing anything you don't want to do. Wink) My biggest regret is that I tried to do way the hell too much, and didn't do it efficiently. I was finishing up student teaching and had NO time, but that's no excuse. I ended up spending the last few days before the wedding in a mad rush, not having time to spend with gathered friends and family, including the last time that I saw my beloved grandma Ida. (That one's the heartbreaker. I spent time with her, yes, but not nearly as much as I would have liked.)

In a related matter, as Jes has already alluded to, if you have control freak tendencies, release them ASAP. I so could have been spending time with my grandma instead of candying the pansies to go on the wedding cake, and it so didn't matter in the big picture. I ended up with a really beautiful wedding for peanuts since I did everything myself, but I had lots of wonderful friends who could have helped (and who did, in spades, in the last few days, as I finally realized there was absolutely no way I could literally assemble every bouquet myself as well as finish my dress, which was finished 5 minutes AFTER the ceremony was supposed to start Shocked)

I was still in college mode then -- study, think about it, stay up all night and do it -- but I really do regret how frenetic that all was, and it was totally my fault.

At any rate, except for the late start, the wedding itself went great, and lots of people stole ideas from it later. Very Happy
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au1929
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Dec, 2002 11:32 am
I had it easy. We were already engaged when I was recalled to service during the Korean war. Several months later and being stationed fairly close to home I decided I guess on a whim to get married. I call my girl and asked her if she wanted to get married. The upshot was that her father got the hall and had a wedding gown made in two weeks and we had a grand wedding. I should add my wife was an only child and the apple of her fathers eye, he would have moved heaven and earth for her. I should also note that she was 19 and I 21 and we knew each other for years.
That was 52 years ago and I have no regrets.
I can offer you no greater gift than to wish you as happy a marriage as mine.
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Dec, 2002 11:59 am
Isn't that the best gift!




<reading along in fear>
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fishin
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Dec, 2002 12:36 pm
Re: Wedding Bells and Other Annoying Things
Sugar wrote:
And now, to the question: what are some things you wish you had never done on your wedding day? What are some things you are so glad you did? Is there anything you'd do differently? (Besides get married to someone else.)


In hindsight, I should not have taken her to the bowling ally for breakfast after the ceremony.
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Sugar
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Dec, 2002 12:49 pm
Hey fishin, at least you got her down the aisle before she fully regained consiousness!

When my best friend got married (I was maid of honor) she had the rehersal dinner at a bowling alley. That didn't serve liquor. And after dealing with her mother, did I need a drink!

Nope. Not on my list of things to do.
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fishin
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Dec, 2002 01:26 pm
Sugar wrote:
Hey fishin, at least you got her down the aisle before she fully regained consiousness!


So you've talked to my ex? Very Happy

but umm.. I was married in Germany by a German Court Magistrate. Neither of us understood a blinkin' word he was saying. He prattled on for about 20 minutes, we both said "Ya", he signed a form and that was that. We were in at 8am and back home by 9am so we decided to go for breakfast.

The advantag eof all of that was that there was a grand total of 4 of us in the room, my ex, myself, the Magistrate and his assistant. You too can get married for under $20!
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margo
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Dec, 2002 01:34 pm
Very economical, fishin'.

I suppose the best thing is, if it isn't going to last, at least you got in cheaply! Getting out may not have been so cheap!
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quinn1
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Dec, 2002 04:56 pm
I should have never said 'great idea' when told 'we are only half way to Vegas you know'.
Should have never brought witnesses from the Circus Circus bar. Should have worn more than shorts and a tank top.
But, it worked for the moment, then the moment was gone...and hindsight is 20/20.
However, considering how it all ended up....its better than if we had gone the all out route. I do have to say though, upon coming home, and realizing the family and friends are all left out and unbelieving like, a more formal plan was put in place anyway.
So....
It costs less than 50.00 to get married in Vegas, or any other city courthouse. Theres the marriage license fee and the JOP fee, thats it.
And...
It can cost any amount for any formal wedding, and Ive been to some that cost more than a college education, a small home, etc.
In the end, many types of weddings are a great and wonderful time to gather together family and friends, or just family, or just the couple and the most important thing is that you do what is going to make you happy, each of you.
I say since you've been with THE BOY for this long..its not been rushed, and niether should the two of you be rushed from this point on in the decisions you make.
You both also have to start communicting on not only what you both want, would like, or feel the need to do but, to discuss what you are willing to comprimise, and what you arent.
While many decisions may be influenced by your family, or his family, in the end Im sure both of you will stand your ground on what it is you decide.
Also, about those who are all asking did you set a date yet? Its all about the ring Sugar, its something you ask, its a way of contributing your thoughts and feelings for a couple at the time when they decide to take the step you have. It will die down once you explain to everyone who wants to know that you are unsure at this point as to your plans. Its common courtesy, annoying as it is, you'll get through this. Christmas Im sure will add to that, be prepared.
No matter what gal, those who care about the two of you are simply happy you have found each other, and however it goes from here, thats a great thing. Congrats.

Im still gonna tell you to print up post cards and mail them when you get on the plane Wink
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dlk33
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Dec, 2002 10:43 pm
We had already set up house together before the wedding, but after the engagement. I ended up having to spend the week before my wedding living back home, at my mothers house. Before I moved in with my fiancee I was living in my own apartment.
I regret having to move back home, the agreement made because my mother was paying for the wedding and reception.
The things that stand out in my mind about my special day....
I didn't get the top layer of my wedding cake, my hubby didn't carry me over the threshold.
The best part was leaving the reception to spend our time alone together.
We stayed overnight at the hotel where we had our reception. When it came time for dinner, we ended up going to the grocery store instead of eating the expensive hotel food.
Hey, we were going to be spending more then enough money on our honeymoon.
You and future hubby need to come to a compromise that will please the two of you. If this compromise means the parents refuse to pay, accept that fact, but do it your way, after all it is your special day.
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BillW
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Dec, 2002 10:46 pm
Go to Vegas for New Years, have a ball, do it up fun and come home! When you see the MIL (Mother In Law) just say, "Hi Mom!".
Cool Cool Cool :wink: Smile Very Happy Laughing Laughing Laughing Razz Razz Razz
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