I think you need to go see a counsellor...because it's obvious that you actually need to talk at length about it, AND, because it's also just as obvious that your wife isn't going to talk to you about it....so that leaves a counsellor.
I don't see that there's any way to straighten out on a forum, what will essentially be a very tangled mess in your head. I daresay you will be having as much trouble with your betrayal of yourself as with her betrayal of you (most people don't realise how much trouble disrespecting yourself causes in your own head)...that again leads to a counsellor / psychologist.
Personally, I have two questions for you :
1. What do you need (from her, and from yourself) to set this on an even keel for you?; and
2. (coming in from a different angle) What is it that you want from your wife?
- an admission that she betrayed you?
- an admission that she is a bad person?
- an admission that she hurt you?
- to make her realise your sex life is boring? (silly way to do this if this is it)
- to make her angry?
- to make her feel guilty?
- to cause an argument that leads to a divorce?
- something else?
Just what is it that you want from her by raising this issue now?