affair 20 years ago but just hit me

I think you need to go see a counsellor...because it's obvious that you actually need to talk at length about it, AND, because it's also just as obvious that your wife isn't going to talk to you about it....so that leaves a counsellor.

I don't see that there's any way to straighten out on a forum, what will essentially be a very tangled mess in your head. I daresay you will be having as much trouble with your betrayal of yourself as with her betrayal of you (most people don't realise how much trouble disrespecting yourself causes in your own head)...that again leads to a counsellor / psychologist.

Personally, I have two questions for you :

1. What do you need (from her, and from yourself) to set this on an even keel for you?; and

2. (coming in from a different angle) What is it that you want from your wife?
- an admission that she betrayed you?
- an admission that she is a bad person?
- an admission that she hurt you?
- to make her realise your sex life is boring? (silly way to do this if this is it)
- to make her angry?
- to make her feel guilty?
- to cause an argument that leads to a divorce?
- something else?

Just what is it that you want from her by raising this issue now?

Repeat after me it did not happen last week and unless you have a time machine addressing the issue as if it did happen last week is impossible.

If she had been a loyal wife for the past twenty years this is a long long
dead issue to her and rightly so.

With children in the picture you and them have a lot to loss by allowing these feelings out of the far past to harmed your marriage.

Suggest you go for counseling yesterday if not sooner as this is a problem within you not within the relationship that you need to address at once.

If I was to polish off my crystal ball and look inside I'd say that 20 years ago you had two small children and you dealt with your wife's affair accordingly. Now you have two grown children who are now, or soon to be, out on their own and you're thinking of spending the rest of your life alone with your wife.

It doesn't surprise me a bit that this is coming up to bite you now. Empty nesting, or the idea of empty nesting soon, oftentimes brings up old hurts and issues that had been buried. As hard as it is, this is a good thing. You're about to spend the next 43 years one-on-one in a marriage with someone who cheated on you. The time to fully deal with that pain is now. The best way to do that is through counseling - marriage or personal (or both).

Your wife is looking at her own future with you too. It's normal. Counseling should help you both.

Well, there's something about 'watering your bad seeds.' You are doing that now by reaching back and living in the past. She has been with YOU for the last 20 years, so that says something. How are you feeling about your marriage now?

I still feel that something is going on with you TODAY that is bringing up those feelings. It could be an anniversary date of something that happened or even running into someone that reminded you of how you felt then, even betrayal from someone else, your job, etc.

In the meantime, don't punish your wife TODAY. Let her know that it's a feeling but it may not be connected with that particular incident.

You feel trapped in your marriage and are looking for an excuse to get out. This isn't it. Figure out why. Find a GOOD counselor. Don't do anything drastic until you know for sure why.

Two words: midlife crisis

Four words:

Three months too late.

Simple: midlife evaluation issues. But-- if she has been faithful for 20 years that must mean something. When you love someone nothing can separate you. If you want an excuse to leave you'll find one.

talk to her about it...even if she's pissed at you for bringing it up. deal with it now before it rips you up inside