My wife has feeling for another man. Please help at my wits end...

Hello,

I feel so completely broken I just randomly found this site while searching for possible solutions to my problem.

I have been married for near 7 years. I am 34 years old and my wife is 29. The other night she was very distant from me and I asked her what was wrong. She said she felt very diconnected from me and very unhappy lately. She then told me that she feels like we are just to buddies living together. She also told me that she has no sex drive and that "Even though this is mean to say after soo many years....I have never had an orgasim". She said she felt like she pays for most things and that I am not pitching in financially as much as I could and that it annoys her when I pay bills in the grace period instead of on time etc.

I was floored. Weeks and months before everything seems absolutely fine. She had said we were soulmates a few times over the years as well. I have gained some weight (ok quite a bit, 80 pounds) since we have been together and she said she was very concerned about my health and im sure it also doesnt help our sex life at all. I sat there on the couch with her and I started crying, I didnt know what else to do. many things she said rang true and I instantly felt like a complete failure to the one person I love the most. She comforted me and cried as well and we held each other before sitting and watching a movie.

The next 3 days she worked an opposite work shift than me so we were passing ships in the night. I would feel her come to bed during those three days (she gets home at 1:30 am and comes to bed around 5am or around there, I get up at 8am) and put her arms around me and carress me for about 20 minutes then she will turn the other direction to go to sleep.


I was absolutely destroyed and still am. I was having strange attacks at work where I starting thinking about her and I could not breath. I had to run into the bathroom and throw up and then try and breath. This happened 4 times over two days and I finally had to go see a doctor. They told me it was definately stressed induced anxiety attacks. My left eye is also now blurry from whatever happened but they said that may heal.

the 4th day I had not really seen my wife at all so I thought I would put all my thoughts down on paper. I wrote out this 2 page letter starting on remembering when we first were together and I was over at her place and she started crying. I asked her what was wrong and she looked up to me and said "Never leave me Dan." and that I fell in love with her that day and have been ever since and until I die.

I went on in the letter to appologize and take responsibility for each of the subjects she had brought up (getting fat, finances and trust).The trust issue was a misunderstanding. Basically she went out drinking with co-workers one night after work, she told me about it before hand as well. I would usually asleep but for some reason, I woke up at 4am in the morn and she was not home. I thought that was strange and said oh well and went back to sleep. I woke up again at like 6 am and started to get worried. I texted her and laid back down. I didnt hear anything. She finally got back to me at 9 am smashed after I had called her twice and never got a return call. I was furious and worried sick. I got pissed and hung up on her. She rushed home and got seriously mad at me. I asked her if she truly thought I was being unreasonable when I say I dont like my wife out getting smashed with male co-workers or really anyone when I am not there. She thought I was and that if she was out with females it would be different. I tried telling her it is more of a concern issue than anything.

Since then I gave in and decided to meet and hang out with these co-workers (2 guys) with my wife. They are both really cool and nice guys and I have become friendly with them.

My wife still thinks I have trust issues but I asked alot of people and no one said they would be fine with their significant other going out getting smashed with the opposite sex with out them there or just going out getting smashed period without them. SO anyways, thats more of a concern issue and I told her that.

So, a few days later she gets home from work and I give her the letter I wrote. I leave the room so she has time to read it by herself. She come back to me crying and asks if I want to go for a walk. We go for a walk and she tell me thanks for the letter. She tells me she feels diconnected from me and that she would be fine if we never had sex again as it is not enjoyable at all (which I really don't entirely believe and I think she is using this to justify whats coming up). She then tells me that she feels very bad because she has had a crush on a guy that works in another department at her work and thinks that if we had a happy marriage that she shouldn't be having crushes. She says they have just been picking on each other and flirting over instant messenger and then it started to become more and more. She said he told her that when he heard the vending machines make noise (both departments use the same vending machines) he would rush out there sometimes just to get a chance to talk to her and see her. Finally once both of them had told each other they thought the other was attractive, my wife called it off and the guy agreed. My wife said the guy told her that since she wanted to work on her marraige that they should stop and she was in agreement.

Again I was devestated when she told me all this in one sitting. I had a panic attack and felt like I was being split in two emotionally....never felt anything like it. She also said she has feelings for this guy that she has never felt for anyone ever.

That night she held me and was very worried about me as I was absolutely destroyed 100%.

She has this notion in her head that she was never physically attracted to me (which I just dont believe) and that she never had butterflies in her stomach when we started dating (which I also dont believe). I tried to tell her and give a couple explamples of back then that proove otherwise. She was not very responsive.

I asked her "If she had checked out of this relationship already" I told her to be honest about it since I am already destroyed just tell me. She said she was not and that she wasnted to work on it. However she seemed so incredibly negative about it and kept mentioning stuf like "what if you lose weight and we resolve other issues and there is still no spark" I asked her if she loved me. She said she loves me very much. I asked her "isnt that enough" she said crying "well I guess I am just selfish because I feel like I want more."

I kinda feel like she has buildt up a lot of little things over the years and has filled herself with resentment which has diconnected her from me. I have vowed to her that she is my sweetheart, the love of my life and that I am never giving up on her. I vowed to start losing weight (down about 8 pounds now in one week just by eating better and excercising). I also mentioned marraige counseling and she thought it was a good idea as well so we are going to call one of them tomorrow and schedule a session. That night while lying in bed she asked me if I wanted to come see her at work for her lunch break the next day to which I agreed.

I went and saw her for lunch and I tried to stay super positive about us and myself. I told her I need to start loving myself more and that she was right about alot of things. I told her I was positive about counseling and excited. She instantly brightened up and became positive as well.

So before all of this went down one of her co-workers had invited us out to drink the following weekend. My wife had told him that we would probably not make it. Mainly because we were both emotioanl wrecks (me much more than her). Her co-worker was very depressed, he had bought a bunch of stuff for everyone and extra furniture etc. My wife told me while we were eating that it was up to me and that she thought it may be good to have a few drinks and maybe a litle fun. I was staying with the positive train and said, sure lets go and have some fun tonight.

once we got there I instantly felt out of place for some reason. I felt like I didnt actually have my wonderful wife with me at this gathering but instead a women who no longer is interested in me. It was a strange feeling. I went along the night laughing and having a bit of fun with her wo-workers and her. We were not really lovey dovey at all during the night (mainly because after what she has said I am affraid to touch her thinking that she has no connection to me, just seems futile). We men started armwrestling at the request of the women (ugh) and I beat all the guys there very easily. One guy was joking to my wife about how buff his arms were after I handily beat him and my said "pfffftt...why would I want that when I have this?" and she pointed to me then put her arms around me and hugged me. Not sure why that bothered me. I am an emotional mess.

Anyways, she ended up not feeling good so we all went home. I went to bed right away and she went to the bathroom and then came to bed later, there was no cuddling, probably because she didnt feel amazing. She got up today and I told her that she looked amazing and she mentioned she had lost some weight. I told her I wish she could stay home because I wanted to make love to her in a smiling joke kinda way. Not sure why I did that since she isnt in to me at all...whats the fkin point. She didnt respond to it at all, she just looked at me and said "awwwwww" and carassed the side of my face.

I feel like I am appoligizing too much and kissing her ass too much. I dont know what to do, I feel so lonely. She is at work while I sit here thinking all damn day. I try to go do stuff but it doesnt help, if you have been depressed then you know it consumes everything and takes the joy out of everything in life and thats how I feel. I keep looking at my phone thinking if I should text her or call her but then I realize I have no idea what to say to her anymore after all this. Should I call her and talk to her about her day? Should I leave her alone? Should I stop saying I love you all the time?

My Mother said, well maybe you need to move out for a few days or something, but I think that would be working against trying to work it out and doubt a marraige councelor would ever suggest that as well. So here I am, destroyed, pathetic, desperately missing my wife and who she was before this all came to a head. I just dont know how to act or what to do. I made this women my life and I have known her for 12 years.

Everyone, friends and family are completely shocked as we seem so in love when they see us together. We are (were) always happy and joking around with each other.

When I went to eat lunch with my wife the day before we went and drank, she did invite me to go walk her dads dog and then go to a movie afterwards with her for a date night. So I guess thats good right?

Right before she left for work today she asked me if I wanted her to make the call for a therapy session while I am at work on Monday and I told her that would be a good idea. I hugged her but it just feels like she has no interested in me at all, she hugs back and kisses me on the neck but no mouth really. If we kiss there is no tongue and it is just a peck, which is fine I guess..


I am a wreck....if anyone can give me advice I will be in your debt. I cant stand this pain any longer and am scared of counseling and that they may just say "yeah....you two should not have gotten married". I think we are both negative about counseling and what it will do for us but we are putting on a happy face. Despression I am sure is effecting this.

I dont know what to get mad at or if I should get mad. I am hoping that therapy will help us but I still feel this shadow of doubt creeping in my mind that is telling me "you need to start making arrangements to find a place to live and how to deal with the pain so you dont kill yourself in the process"

Thanks to any who can read this whole thing. I am crying while writing it. I feel so pathetic and I'm sure my wife is finding me pretty pethetic right now as well.