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How to stop an emotional affair??

 
 
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 05:03 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
Quote:
There is nothing worse to my ears, than to hear that a married man, is playing on heart strings, then he uses a fishing rod, reals you in, lets it go, reals you in, lets it go...

He knows you will find happiness one day and it will kill him. (EGO)

He is hot and cold (HOT...Didn't get enough sex from his wife)

He is a friend, you confided in over your Marriage, loveless marriage, no communication, cold, lifeless, sexless.. (HE goes for the Kill)


Well Found Soul I kind of agree with you concerning a married man who will play on the emotions of a married woman in an unhappy marriage however repeat however she herself is an adult and is allowing this man to play emotional games with her so picturing her as a victim of an evil man is a little hard for me to do.

In her postings, on this thread I get the idea that she does indeed understand the situation and the game playing he is doing and is going along with it as being far better then her life without the fantasy he is offering her.

I do not think that offering her the chance to place all the blame on her partner in this affair is doing her any great service.

Yes she should end the affair and either work on saving her marriage or begin to start the process of ending it without the fantasy of her married knight in not so shining armor.

FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 05:17 pm
@BillRM,
Hi Bill.

I am aware that it takes two to tango... There is an instigator and the other follows, who was the instigator?
Quote:
"He started out as a friend and I confided in him"....
So, he was a friend that she initially talked to, does that make her the instigator or him, no one is evil, people just take. Well actually there are evil people in this world but this is not an evil act, selfish though.

Quote:
she herself is an adult and is allowing this man to play emotional games


But she has questions... "Does he love me?" " I thought at one stage that he would leave his wife, then I realised I was naïve" . If that is the case, he has stated that he would at some point in time, or indicated it, gave her hope, belief no? If not she would not have made those comments, nor would she still have "hope" now.

I stand my ground on this, I do not believe men are evil for being in an affair, rather, it's sad.


But, this guy gave the OP hope. The OP is in a loveless marriage and feels like she is no-one. Her self confidence is low, it was low, if it wasn't low to start with she would never have confided with a "friend" and that is the key word to me over this particular situation not all, this one... He was a "friend" no he wasn't.

When a "person" is down and wants hope from someone whom gave it too her then made her realise there is none, I prefer personally and that's my opinion for that person to SEE what the other person did, at the inset so that she can let go.

This is not about he is evil, she is an Adult the blame is on him. This is about her seeing the reality of it clearly hopefully, that there is no hope and there never was and that it's time to move on and out for that matter, to become a happier person.

Every situation is different.. I'd be saying the same thing if it was a woman destroying a man's heart, only to the man if that is what I saw.

BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 05:43 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
Once more she is an adult and I was in fact all for the ERA in the 1970s so I am not for giving her a pass of victimhood due to her being a woman and pinning all the blame on her male partner

I guess we will just have to disagree on if a man who had a smooth line that is as old as the human race means that a woman can accept that line with no responsibility on her part for doing so.

In fact to do so kind of placed women into child like roles when it come to relationships between the sexes and therefore kind of insulting to all of womankind in my opinion.

FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 05:57 pm
@BillRM,
Smile

This is my opinion to her... If it makes her leave him? Then I stand by it...

Food for thought.

FRIEND...

When we see that word, I know what it should mean.

0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 06:52 pm
Oh, come on.

People do this, not all nefariously.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 06:56 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
What is this instigator stuff?

Most people just act.

or don't.
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 07:00 pm
@ossobuco,
What is this, "I have an opinion of advice for the OP, yet get challenged at every word? " It's a friggen opinion end of story.

Just quietly... Surely you are not saying that there is never an instigation how can someone act on nothing unless something started for them to act on.

Done.

I don't have to justify my opinion.. It's only mine everyone has their own.
0 Replies
 
Georgia27
 
  1  
Reply Tue 14 May, 2013 02:31 am
@ehBeth,
No, If I am being honest, which I always will be, I haven't yet been able to block off the phone contact. It is much more limited last few days, but not easy
0 Replies
 
Georgia27
 
  2  
Reply Tue 14 May, 2013 02:38 am
@FOUND SOUL,
Found Soul, I cannot believe what I have just read, for every single word is completely true. Every single word. Yes he does only want me when he feels like it. he steps in and out like I don't matter. He texts every day, sometimes very mundane, sometimes quite flirty. It cannot ever be a friendship, and I recognise I have such very little self worth. I trusted in him so deeply, and he knows everything about me. What a fool was I?
I know that I am wrong to stay in my marriage, we are both now aware it wont work, we have discussed that our marriage is finished, I think we both recognise that we could not work this through. He used to make me very happy, deeply happy, then over years I started to feel weaker as he would knock me down on a daily basis. I am 29 and he is 40 yet sometimes I felt as though he was talking to me as though I were a 5 year old.
I know that he does keep me dangling there until he just feels he needs an ego boost. I wish it were only that deep for me, then I wouldn't feel such pain. Thank you for such truth in your words. I look forward to hearing back from you.
Georgia27
 
  1  
Reply Tue 14 May, 2013 02:46 am
@BillRM,
Thank you for your opinion. It is appreciated. I am sorry if you feel I came across as the victim. I did fall for a married man, I admit this was wrong, I was promised a life with him, that we were going to make it work, and I was willing to do this with him, and take on his daughter on my own. I appreciate far from an ideal situation. I fell in love. Of course now I realise this was wrong I am just finding it hard to break from someone whom I loved so deeply, regardless of the fact I now realise I was nothing of importance to him.
0 Replies
 
Reid1020
 
  3  
Reply Tue 14 May, 2013 08:47 am
@Georgia27,
Georgia27, I was in the same situation. My husband and I were friends with another couple many years ago. Me and the husband ended up having a 9 month affair until he got out of the military and moved his family back to their home state. It took 2 years to forget about him and get back to a normal life. I was young, mid 20's. After 15 years apart, he found me on the internet and we talked almost every day for 6 years! We met in person a few times, but nothing physical happened. We talked on the phone and via internet daily. He was still married to the same woman, but still unhappy and admitted to other affairs after he moved home. I had since re-married and was completely happy with my husband, but something about this man "that I could never quite have" kept me in this emotional affair with endless hours of discussions of how we can have a life together and finally have what we've both wanted for so long. Neither wanted to hurt our spouses or our families, but we both felt this strong connection to one another and wanted so much to be together. After 6 years of talking, I started to realize this was never going to happen. He wanted me to leave my job, my home, my family to live near him. "NEAR HIM" at first....so I give up everything to be his neighbor again? Hmmm.... Okay, all of those are possible if this is real and this is what we both want, but I expected him to find a place. Move out of his house, get "US" a place for me to come to and make this a 50/50 deal. He liked his home and didn't want to move out. He wanted his wife to move, but couldn't/wouldn't help her get a new home, wouldn't ask her to leave, in fact, he put in a pool and an addition onto the home to make it even harder for anyone to want to leave. I could see at that point he wasn't truly "unhappy" like he was preaching all along, he was making things work even after the kids moved out on their own. I told him I couldn't keep up the contact with him any longer, it was apparent we were never going to be together when he was fixing things at home instead of cutting ties and working towards a life with me. That's okay with me, I want him to be happy and if he's happy, he doesn't need to continue coming to me for an ego stroke. It's been a year since I spoke with him and I went through a depression because I seriously lost my best friend, the person who knew me better than anyone. Him and I were extremely tight emotionally, but he couldn't make the leap of faith for us and I finally realized it. As much as I never thought him and I would lose touch ever again, I did it, I made it happen for my own happiness. I still think about him, but the heartache stopped and it's almost like something internally has suppressed those feelings inside me. Like they are there, I feel them, they would be real easy to recall, but it's like they are locked under glass and my mind won't let them surface anymore. I don't look at his pictures, I don't look at his facebook, I don't do anything that will bring all the feelings and memories flooding back. It's tough and I know the pain and unhappiness you're dealing with, but if you cut the ties with him, the healing can begin. Best of luck to both of us.... I don't feel like he's out of my life forever, but at this point, he is and I'm happy and learning to love my husband all over again.
Georgia27
 
  1  
Reply Tue 14 May, 2013 09:25 am
@Reid1020,
Such beautiful words, and I feel for you. I really do. I admire your courage for walking away. I am finding some kind of ease as the days pass. Not a lot, but it does get a bit easier each day. As you say, Its trying to avoid looking at old memories etc., as it all comes flooding back. One day I shall be over him, until then I guess I just need to learn to live with the feelings and work on my self esttem
0 Replies
 
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Tue 14 May, 2013 11:37 am
@Reid1020,
Quote:
started to realize this was never going to happen. He wanted me to leave my job, my home, my family to live near him. "NEAR HIM" at first....so I give up everything to be his neighbor again? Hmmm.... Okay, all of those are possible if this is real and this is what we both want, but I expected him to find a place. Move out of his house, get "US" a place for me to come to and make this a 50/50 deal


Am I living in some strange alternative universe as the idea of if only a man who had been cheating on his wife for decades would just offer me a better deal to pull up stakes I would do so seems kind of strange to me.

No considerations of having enter into a marriage yourself and taken married vows seems to matter at all to you.

Then on this thread the women positions is it not our responsibility for having such extramarital relationships but the man for conning us for years over him leaving his wife for me.

Guess what women/ladies if a man is willing share a home and a bed with his wife for years/decades and at the same time lied to her the chance that he will tell you the truth is small or for that matter treat you with more regards/repect then he is currently treating his wife.
Georgia27
 
  1  
Reply Tue 14 May, 2013 12:08 pm
@BillRM,
I value your opinion. I don't feel any party is to blame, I am responsible for what I did, I know this fully.
0 Replies
 
Reid1020
 
  1  
Reply Tue 14 May, 2013 12:28 pm
@BillRM,
BillRM, while yes there is every chance he is lying or will lie, why would any woman naturally assume a man professing his love for her and desire to be with her is all lies just because he's married?

I was married, but I didn't lie about wanting out and wanting to be with my best friend, the man who set the bar for all others in my life. There's a huge difference between being a player who's only out for fun and having true feelings for someone other than your spouse, while struggling with guilt and sense of obligation to a family.
Georgia27
 
  1  
Reply Tue 14 May, 2013 12:43 pm
@Reid1020,
This I believe is so very true. Its nice to have an opinion from someone whom has had genuine feelings. I do not know if this man ever had true feelings for me, I guess I never will. It is painful to see him, as I did today for my sins. We only had a 2 hour coffee meeting, yet knowing that he is back to his normal every day life is quite painful, and we could never be friends due to the simple things like he has to disappear at a set time of 6pm, every evening as his wife is home, then I do not hear from him until first thing in the morning again. Can I ask a little more of your situation, if this is not too intrusive. What happened in your situation? Did you stay with your wife? How did you manage to forget the other party?

Thank you again for everyone's kind support.
BillRM
 
  2  
Reply Tue 14 May, 2013 01:44 pm
@Reid1020,
Quote:
BillRM, while yes there is every chance he is lying or will lie, why would any woman naturally assume a man professing his love for her and desire to be with her is all lies just because he's married?


Let see a man who have many affairs over years while married, words of love should be taken at face value as he hide his extra marriage relationships from his partner.

Yes .I can see how any woman with a working brain thinking that this time he is for real and they will ride together into the sunset together.

Of course there are not a few studies that show the chances of a cheating husband leaving his wife for one of his mistresses is small indeed.

Nor are the chances if he does do so that he will then be faithful to his new partner.

0 Replies
 
Reid1020
 
  1  
Reply Tue 14 May, 2013 01:45 pm
@Georgia27,
I've sent you an inbox message explaining a bit more of my situation
0 Replies
 
BillRM
 
  3  
Reply Tue 14 May, 2013 02:36 pm
Quote:


http://aboutaffairs.com/2011/03/can-relationships-that-start-as-affairs-succeed-revisited/

Can Relationships That Start as Affairs Succeed…Revisited
I have just gotten clarification on a statistic I cited in “Can Relationships That Start as Affairs Succeed?” In that post I stated that 25% of relationships that start as affairs succeed. I always thought that sounded a bit high. Recently this figure has been clarified by Frank Pittman. In the study he is citing, the divorce rate among those who married their lovers was 75%. Information is not available about the quality of the 25% of marriages that did not end in divorce. The study did provide information on the reasons that the marriages ended…

Why So Many Divorces?

Five reasons were cited for the high divorce rate.

Affairs relationships are usually protected from the stresses of everyday life. In fact, they can frequently be experienced as escapes from these stressors. Once every day reality intrudes, the relationship becomes much more difficult.

Guilt about the affair undermines the foundation of the relationship.

Lovers can develop unrealistic expectations about each other based on the “honeymoon” experience of their affair.

The partner who went outside of his or her own marriage is now not really trusted by the new partner.

Either or both partners can hold a distrust of marriage in general.

How Often do Those Who Divorce Marry Their Affair Partner?

Jan Halper conducted a study of male high achievers (executives, entrepreneurs, professionals) and found that only 3% of the 4,100 men surveyed who had affairs eventually married their lovers.

Unfortunately, this is the only survey available on this topic.

Georgia27
 
  1  
Reply Tue 14 May, 2013 03:06 pm
@BillRM,
Its interesting to read the statistics
0 Replies
 
 

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