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How to stop an emotional affair??

 
 
Georgia27
 
  1  
Reply Sun 12 May, 2013 01:35 pm
@ossobuco,
Thank you, and yes I agree that this may well be the case. I agree that I may well be only see the good things as I do not share the mundane day to day reality.
0 Replies
 
Georgia27
 
  1  
Reply Sun 12 May, 2013 01:38 pm
@PUNKEY,
I feel I lived in a fantast land. At one point yes I did believe3 he loved me, I did believe he was going to tell her and then leave. we spoke about this on many many occasions. I do feel quite disappointed. Yet he is still very contented in his life now.
JPB
 
  4  
Reply Sun 12 May, 2013 02:37 pm
@Georgia27,
There's nothing wrong with fantasies. They're a great way to escape from the burdens of daily living - your's, his, your husband's, his wife's, your collective five children. Each of you has burdens that weigh you down in one way or another. Each of you might fantasize about life being somehow different, easier.

The problem comes when fantasies become infatuations and then, sometimes, affairs.

When push comes to shove those affairs (and the new demands/burdens that come with them) give those who know about them a chance to step back and assess where reality and fantasy may have crossed a line into something not as simple as first imagined.

From what you've written it sounds to me that you were hoping to be rescued from your current obligations and reality into a life that was going to bring with it a new start and joy everlasting. It's seldom so simple. First there are other spouses in the mix. And children on both sides. And bills, and mortgages, and braces, and college tuitions to be paid. And, then, there's the discovery that he leaves his socks under the bed and you squeeze the toothpaste in the wrong place.

Fantasies are best left in our imaginations. Reality is seldom quite so sweet.
Georgia27
 
  1  
Reply Sun 12 May, 2013 02:43 pm
@JPB,
Thank you. The more I step back and look at this situation the more I see this and that it makes sense. Much of it seemed quite perfect because we only snatching moments together, we only truly had one proper whole night together, the rest were restaurant meeting, trips to hotels and meeting at nice places to walk and enjoy time together. But in reality when real life kicks in we do have five beautiful children between us. I am unsure of what he feels he will benefit from keeping me as a friend, he stresses to me every day that it pains him to see me with another and he knows that one day I shall find happiness, and has said he will forever hate that person. I need to fill my life with distraction. Thank you again for taking time to respond.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 12 May, 2013 03:00 pm
@ossobuco,
I'll add that this happens to unmarrieds too, the romantic thrill of understanding and desire, and then introduction to everyday life, but it can be heightened when you are miserable in your everyday situation such as yours and you have no idea what to do about that.

I'm a million year old woman who long ago - unmarried then - had an affair with a married man and I'm still not sorry. Ok, I'm sorry, but I don't actually regret it.
The difference was he told me right away he was staying married. Plus I knew he'd had other affairs and would after me too. I heard something like fifteen years later that they divorced over an affair. I'm afraid I laughed, which probably startled the person who told me.

I talked to him once by mistake another fifteen years later, when I was calling the office to get other info, someone's address, not to talk to him. Good conversation, including him saying he had never been so happy. (You think I believe that? Well, partly I do, since he was honest about a lot of things in that phone call, saying that he was married again, to a woman he loves.)

The flush of romance can certainly be real, but - what of it?
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 12 May, 2013 03:24 pm
@ossobuco,
To answer myself, what follows that flush? That's the thing.
JPB
 
  1  
Reply Sun 12 May, 2013 03:31 pm
@Georgia27,
Georgia,

How old are your children? Did you celebrate Mother's Day today? Do you have work/hobbies/interests that are purely personal and don't revolve around your children?

Is it possible that you feel lost within your own life?
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 12 May, 2013 03:34 pm
@JPB,
That makes sense.
0 Replies
 
Georgia27
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 04:36 am
@JPB,
Hi there, Yes I celebrated mothers day, without my husband but my children made it special. Myself and husband go about our daily lives with very little communication. My eldest daughter is nine and youngest daughter is 3 years old. Yes I admit feeling quite lost. I am studying at the moment but still feel I could do with finding more distraction. I have seen him again this morning and I ache every time I do so. It seems impossible. Thank you again for support.
Georgia27
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 04:38 am
@ossobuco,
I sympathise with your situation. Did you find that you were able to let go in time? It does feel very fulfilling when you are in it doesn't it. Yet painful the other side.
BillRM
 
  2  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 07:30 am
@Georgia27,
Quote:
Myself and husband go about our daily lives with very little communication


Very sad.

Are you sitting down and talking to your husband about your feelings and needs?

For myself I tell my wife over and over do not assume that I am aware of actions on my parts that are making your unhappy.

Tell me no matter if you think I would need to be blind not to know without it being spell out to me in large letters. I would gladly lay down my life for my wife but that does not means that I am always aware of what she need from me.

Studies had indicted that husbands are blindsided must more then wives in being service divorce papers as a group we are far less in tune with our partners needs and feelings then our wives are with ours.

Even in simple things like once we was on vacation in Las Vegas and I was having a great time walking from one end of the strip to other with her and only found out years hell a decade later that she hated all that walking and as a result did not enjoy the memories of that vacation at all.

To this day I feel bad about not picking up clues at the time that she was not enjoying herself.
Georgia27
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 10:23 am
@BillRM,
I think communication is key, and I tried for so many years to make my husband happy. In every day. He didn't notice and over time I perhaps accepted this would never change. The man whom I had the affair with started as a good friend, I confided in him, and we had a connection. I know it was wrong to pursue this. I felt weak as I still do now. I just hope I can be strong enough to let go. I must for myself, and my children.
Georgia27
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 02:09 pm
@Georgia27,
A bad day today should be meeting him for coffee tomorrow, and don't know why I put myself through it, but I still love him. What a nightmare long term. How stupid am I??
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 02:26 pm
@Georgia27,
Yes, I was able to, but I knew that was the way of it.
I've had three other experiences, one my 20 + year marriage, that I mourned for a long time.
<recommending long walks><repeat long walks>
Georgia27
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 02:35 pm
@ossobuco,
Yes, must find ways to fill time and able to forget
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 03:23 pm
@ossobuco,
One thing to ponder is the development of ramifications of your situation.

You are shunting off the problem of resolving your marriage, what on earth to do about it.

You may not be found out, but at best it's a long term strain for your affair mate, and he is clearly trying to get out and stay out of your relationship, but he doesn't (at least now) hate you and vacillates. He may be partly horrified at what he got himself into.

If you are found out/confess, divorce may follow whether you are ready or not.

Much grief all around combined with rancor for your behavior. (I've no idea about your husband's activities). Depending on your state's laws (I'm no law expert), you may be at big disadvantage if your affair is part of the divorce scenario.

On the other hand, turning around and facing your marriage situation and either providing the possible remedy of mutual counselling or the remedy of divorce - would be better in the long run for all.

You might be smart to talk with an attorney now instead of later.
And a counsellor now for yourself could help.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 03:27 pm
@ossobuco,
I suppose I should clarify - I never repeated my behavior of those years ago.
0 Replies
 
BillRM
 
  2  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 03:30 pm
@Georgia27,
You know I do not know the actors in this soap opera drama however in general you are playing a very dangerous game.

First of all people are not always rational when they first find out that their husband or wife are having an affair with another married person.

You might find out that your husband does care in a manner that you will not be happy about or that your friend wife is not rational for that matter.

You do know that not even the head of the CIA was able to keep his affair private/secret.

In any case I suggest you break contact with this man and either try to repair your marriage or begin to wind the marriage down and then start looking for a man that is free to have a relationship with you.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 03:33 pm
@Georgia27,
Georgia27 wrote:
should be meeting him for coffee tomorrow


no you shouldn't

you need to end the contacts

have you blocked him on your mobile yet? if not, why not?
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Mon 13 May, 2013 04:41 pm
@Georgia27,

There is nothing worse to my ears, than to hear that a married man, is playing on heart strings, then he uses a fishing rod, reals you in, lets it go, reals you in, lets it go...

He knows you will find happiness one day and it will kill him. (EGO)

He is hot and cold (HOT...Didn't get enough sex from his wife)

He is a friend, you confided in over your Marriage, loveless marriage, no communication, cold, lifeless, sexless.. (HE goes for the Kill)


I was in a loveless marriage. It was so cold, and emotionally abusive, towards the end that I nearly lost myself... Only, I didn't.

I walked. Then I picked myself up, reminded myself of who I was before I married him and got on with life... From that strength and the amusing dating of idiots, I worked out for "me" exactly what I wanted, would accept, wouldn't accept and went about my life until someone walked in that was on my level, thought patterns, morals who could make me laugh, communicate and appreciate me, visa versa...

You are going for the romance of it all. Going to sleep at night dreaming of the words he spoke. You are writing those words here because, they play on your mind... Gives you the "what ifs?" What if he really does love me...........That is what words are for, to play on someone's mind.

Are you really going to let him keep winning? Seriously? Dangles carrots in front of you and you fall for it?

Remember. You confided with a "friend" (no he was never a friend)... And, he saw the red light and took...(took) .....

Ego stops him from walking. That and the times he doesn't get enough sex.

He feels if it's just here and there, he won't get caught.

You are better than this and you know it. I don't know if your marriage was arranged or you just "settled" but you certainly don't love your husband.

I appreciate you are studying and therefore don't have money but money does not buy love either. I appreciate that the children (4) are 3 - 9 so they are babies but they are also living in a loveless family are they not? How can they grow and believe in a thing called Mum and Dad, happy, marriages are great... ?

There is always a way, always.

In my opinion, you should up and leave... Find the way, means, talk to family... You don't love your husband and from the sounds of it, he's lonely and un-happy as well. The kids aren't happy they can't be because Mum and Dad aren't happy.

And, cut all ties with this man.. You are a substitute for what ever he is missing in his marriage... If he needs someone to love him as he doesn't feel loved? You are it. If he needs sex because he isn't getting it? You are it. And, when he feels content enough... He goes Cold... There is the answers to your questions.

When someone pulls you down mentally, emotionally, you have two choices. Stay and get pulled down further, or leave and regain yourself and get stronger and if you choose the later? Then you are free to be yourself, love yourself, show more love to your children, because you become happy and content with yourself and only then will you find someone to love that loves you back.

My ex-husband didn't start out that way, in-fact everyone loved him, great Actor...It was like he hid behind something, until, we, were married....

I am my own person, love life, love everything and am in love with a beautiful partner that I will marry next year... Happy ending.

Are you going to continue living in a loveless marriage, then find comfort outside with someone whom you are a sub-statute for, when his wife is not giving? Are you going to continue being a sub-statute? Or realise your self worth.....................

 

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