Relationship with a man in process of divorce

He's right; his kids are understandably upset.

You will need to back off - and if that ends it, then so be it. But right now he has to concentrate on hammering things out with his ex and making sure that their children are comfortable and well cared-for.

I can speak from experience on this one from your boyfriend's side.

For me the kids come first. The mess they are being subjected to isn't their fault and I do everything I can to keep them out of it. I really think this is the only right thing to do.

I don't introduce my kids to my new relationship. They have a perfectly good mother an there is no reason for them to have any interest in my romantic life. I think the reaction of your partner's kids is understandable (put yourself in their shoes). My advice to you is to give them space.

As far as the relationship goes; I value honesty. I am up front with my romantic partner about the situation. Of course this doesn't mean we can't have a meaningful relationship. I do expect my partner to be honest about her feelings, and to give me space and time for my kids.

Your relationship is with him, not with his kids. Every relationship has challenges, this particular challenge just takes a little patience and understanding... if you decide the relationship is worth it. But you must accept the fact that for a father (at least for me) the needs of the kids come first.

It's a big nightmare for a child to see his parents divorcing.
Any child would be very anxious if his parents were divorcing & his/her father was having another relationship.
Think it this way: If you were of his children's age, & you came to know your parents were divorcing & your father was having another relationship, how would you react?
Not only his three children, but your partner himself loves his children like anything.
His family actually needs him. It's not easy for a mother to look after & care for her three children & at the same time emotionally support them.
Your partner has left a big responsibility of himself.
Honestly, if I were you, I would tell him to finish that relationship & go support his family.
If you really love him, you'll understand my point of view.
He's in a big trouble himself. On his one side are you, & on the other his family.
I'm 14 myself. I get anxious for my parents arguing on little matters. And I think I'll get an attack if my parents end up in such a position as that.
His family needs him more than you, & he loves his family as much as, or I guess more than you.
Choice is yours.

thank u jespah

thank u for ur reply !

thank u for z reply

Thank u all for ur replies. I am fine with his relation with the kids,but his kids and going to be ex wife are not. For them, am a bitch who snatched everything from them. This is what concerns me the most. Everytime that we spend some time together his wife or kids send me txts or kall me to tel me that a slutty bitch. and other rude things. My boyfriend doesnt react atall,he tells me "what can i do". I agree that i am in relation with him not with the kids or whatever,then why should i accept that his kids treat me like that? I mean isnt it his part of role to explain to his kids that their behaviour towards me is absurd? I dont behave like that with them,i always tried to give them their space and have a stable relation with them. Many times i even backed off just that they get their father.

If I were you, I would disengage. The kids clearly don't want to have a "stable relationship" with you. You should stop trying to have any kind of relationship with his kids. It is possible in some distant future things could settle down, but it sounds clear from what you are posting that there is no possible way for you to be accepted by his kids right now. Just ignore it.

I would ignore the texts... block them. Don't respond. After all this is not your problem. What is the benefit of responding. Ignore it.

I don't agree with any suggestion that you can't continue a relationship with this man. People need intimate relationships.

But you understand the situation, and it is your choice whether this is a relationship that you want to be in. If it is a meaningful relationship to you, you can continue understanding the challenges.

Give your boyfriend time to meet his children's needs on his own. Stop trying to have any contact with the children. And, focus on your relationship with him... if that is what you want.

thank u maxdancona. I no longer try 2maintain any relation with the kids because i am fed up of being the only one to make efforts. About the texts and all,i never reply,but its insulting and they really make me irritated. At times i think what would happen if i behaved like that with them. Of course they would feel the most offended on earth and run to complaint against me at the police station!

Sure, but remember that they have zero responsibility for the situation that is painful for them. They have no choice in the matter. They are not at fault and they have no choice about what happens. Let them be.

He can talk to his soon to be ex is what he can do.

It does not have to be a nasty ultimatum, just, our children are behaving rudely. Regardless about how you, personally, feel about bdipti, our children should not be behaving in this manner.

If he can't or won't do it, then seriously reconsider your relationship with this guy. His kids and ex don't have to love you but you don't have to be a doormat, and he is under an obligation to, at the barest minimum, make sure you aren't being abused by them.

If he tries, but this crap still happens, then that's one thing (and it's sad if the ex won't make any effort as, eventually, this guy could remarry even if it's not to you, plus the ex could remarry, and this is laying a foundation that any new relationship is fair game for the children's nasty displeasure). But if he does absolutely nothing, then that should tell you something. And his focus should be on working with the ex to get the kids back in line, and not addressing the children directly. Like I mentioned, regardless of how they personally feel about you, they should not be rude. This can be a time for them to learn that life does not always go their way, but they don't have to be jerks about it.

thank u all. I forgot to mention, it is also his wife who sends me such texts "bitch" etc. and my boyfriend tells me he cant do nothing. I tried to explain to him that our relation is not working,and he tells me he cant live neither without me nor without his kids,and if i dont find myself comfortable i may leave. He said that indirectly,like " If i cant give u any happiness,then choose what makes u happy"

I think that is exactly right.

It sounds to me like your boyfriend is being fair to you. He has made it clear what he can and will give you, and you need to make clear what you can and will accept. This type of conversation happens in most relationships.

Your boyfriend is exactly right. If he can't give you happiness, then you should choose what makes you happy.

The situation is what it is. You need to decide for yourself whether it is worth it.

If he has no idea what to do (or says he doesn't know what to do) with these people then I'd say there is no point in continuing to try to have a relationship with him.

The behaviour you've noted from the former spouse and the children is not appropriate in any situation. He needs to deal with that and it is probably best that he do that without the distraction of another possible relationship.

You say he sees the children every night (all three of them are 12?). Does he see them someplace away from his former wife?

It may be that everyone has to get used to him being away from the former family group - in a neutral place.

He also needs to get used to living independently.

given what is reported of the behaviour of the former wife and the children, I would not encourage anyone to return to the wife.

I do think the children likely need additional support and may need counselling around how to deal with the parents' separation/divorce.

The children's inappropriate behaviour should be addressed in any case. They can't be allowed to believe that they can interfere with their father moving on with his life. That is a dangerous lesson.

exactly

It seems to me that any discussion about that this man should do is completely out of place in this thread. This is a thread about the new girlfriend of this man.

The point is that all of this is none of the new girlfriend's business. The girlfriend is not the person to tell her boyfriend what he needs. The girlfriend absolutely has no business deciding what the children need. This is all completely irrelevant to her relationship with this man.



I strongly disagree with this advice in particular. This might be a good thing to say to the father, or the mother (if either the father or mother were here to give their side of the story).

But the girlfriend shouldn't have anything to do with the children. That is not her role to even think about these things. It is the job of the parents to worry about the children, not the girlfriend.

If she is going to have a relationship with this man... it should be a relationship with this man. The children should have absolutely nothing to do with it. What the parents do to raise their children is their responsibility.

thank u everyone for replying.

Firstly, thank u for replying ehBeth.
He has two girls of 12 and a boy of 7.
And his wife lives under their conjugal roof with the kids,so he goes to meet them there itself every evening.