Relationship with a man in process of divorce

I don't know how long you have been going out with this man for, or whether you were even the cause as they tend to lay on you, for his seperation but he does have a responsibility in my opinion, to do "something" ... And to me, that is not to tell you where the door is if you are not happy but to work out how to make this more comfortable all round as he is not even Divorced yet.. He is still married.

If you do not like her messages to you, change your mobile telephone number, there is no need to speak with you, he attends their marital home to see his children.

The children in my opinion at this point in time should not be subjected to get along with you at all, rather, to see their Father and have some peace until they get used to the idea that their Mother and Father no longer live together and are Divorced. They are not at that point yet.

I would just concentrate on your relationship with your new partner at this point and suggest the same to him. In time, when they get their heads around things, and you are still in the picture, they will slowly get to know you.

My step-daughter was 11. She accepted me. But I refused for my now fiance to introduce me to her for quite some time.. And, I certainly don't act like a step-mother to her now, rather a sister, unless I'm in a cheeky mood and pretend I can send her to her bedroom...

Bottom line is, this is to fresh and raw by all accounts. The ink hasn't even settled on any paperwork yet.

I would be irritated if my boyfriend was telling me his 12 year old children were innocent, and they were sending me texts calling me a slutty bitch.

Does not compute.

I think the parents should be addressing the children's inappropriate behaviour.

I don't think the g/f has a role in this.

She doesn't contact them - they should not be contacting her.

The children need to be smartened up - whether they are children of divorce or separation or not. My friends would be appalled if their children behaved in the way that is described.

The OP's boyfriend's response of "what can I do" is a death knell for the relationship from my perspective. If he doesn't have the ability to deal with his children, he isn't ready to be in any relationship with another adult.

Has the family had any supportive counselling on how to best manage the separation/divorce?

why?

the original post was about him. The discussion can certainly be about him - and how the g/f can deal with him or if she should bother.

My instinct is strong that you would best step away, including from him.
He may or may not come back to you, but you are a now being a major distraction, mixed with some delight, while being a perceived whiner.

I understand probably all points of view here, including dipti's good reasons to complain, but I think you, dipti, are under water, meaning that you are facing trouble.

Noddy, a pretty wise a2ker, used to tell us something like there needed to be two years minimum for people to move on post divorce. We know there are exceptions to this as with any kind of template, but there is wisdom to her view too.

These are two very different things.

A discussion about how the girlfriend can deal with this relationship and whether she should leave or not seems productive. After all we have heard about her feelings and she is part of the conversation.

This is very different about the boyfriend's relationship with his children or his soon-to-be-ex. We haven't heard from any of these other parties. The only information we have is from the girlfriends perspective. The girlfriend can comment on her view of the relationship she is a part of, I don't think she is a very reliable source for the issues between boyfriend and family.

Clearly the OP needs to make a choice. We don't know the good parts of the relationship and really it is up to her to decide whether it is all worth it or not.

My heartfelt advice is that any attempt by the girlfriend to interfere with or fix or help or even judge her boyfriend's relationship with ex-wife or children is foolish. She needs to either accept things the way they are and focus on the good of her relationship with this man, or she should leave. These are the only two realistic options.

Thank u everyone for the reply.
My boyfriend has been staying in another house,but in the same yard as them since the time he filed for divorce. He used to come across them everyday and anytime. Whenever his wife used to leave the kids and go away he even went back to the conjugal house to look after them instead of bringing the kids to his new house.
At any point,i have never tried to form a relation with his children after i realised that they arent comfortable with it. And i have never interfered upon his decisions concerning his kids.
Although we plan to marry in some years and have kids together, he has given all his property to his children and ex-wife. He works (doesnt meet me as often as before) just so that he can give his ex wife and children all what they ask for,and to be able to pay his monthly rent as he has just taken a new apartment.

Aren't we all missing an obvious question here? WHY does the ex-wife and the kids have the cell phone number of the girlfriend?

Heck, just change your stupid cell phone number and they cannot text you any longer. Then, if you take the advice of others here and leave the kids out of the relationship, everything should be peachy. At least as peachy as it can be while dating a married man who is in the process (I assume) of getting a divorce.

The ex-wife and kids have the cell phone number of the girlfriend because it is registered on the name of the boyfriend and the ex-wife has always come to put her nose in the boyfriend's things and life. So she got the number,and the number cannot be changed for some valid reasons of course,not concerning them.

What do you mean he "doesn't meet you as often as before" .............

And, so your boyfriend was staying basically in the backyard of the marital home in a house but has now renting an appartment elsewhere. So does that mean he will no longer be going to the marital home every day of the week?

To : Found soul
Well,we used to spend some 2hours together every day but now he maximises his woking hours and we spend only 3hour per week together.
And he lives elsewhere,but goes to the marital home everyday.

You really love him and feel your relationship has potential you need to learn . Divorce is a painful process and the person is naturally depressed .

thank u

It is in-deed a difficult process and it's hard to move on, feel happy, in-love if you are still so bound.. He is. He "needs" his kids, on a daily basis, which means he knows how to love. But, I am sorry that a couple of hours a day, has turned to 3hrs per week. This must make you feel un-easy, sad yourself surely.

There is a saying " If you love someone set them free, if they come back to you they are yours, if not they never were"... Whilst you are doing the right thing, giving him space, remember down the track, you are a person too and deserve to be treated right.... I would not go with 3hrs a week for ever... If a person is not ready, they are not ready, to move on... You have to draw a line in your thoughts at some stage. In my opinion.

You need to realize that this will NEVER get better.

I don't know if there are cultural or religious reasons that he is so connected to the former spouse, but this will always interfere with your relationship with him.

He could meet the children elsewhere, including at his new apartment.

He feeds into their fantasy that they will all get together again when he visits as often as this, especially with the wife in the mix.

Twelve year old girls can be vicious. You will never be accepted by them; you are the reason the father has "abandoned" the family.

Now he has no money and is working extra hours to support his double life. Yet you are the one who suffers, not them.

You really need to ask yourself if you can continue to live like this.

Why have you not blocked the childrens' numbers on your phone?

actually she's the wife, not the ex-wife

Good point. He is not divorced yet.

This gal needs to step back and see if he even goes thru with the divorce.

I have my doubts.

thank u
i did try to let him free,but he always came back.