Husbands & Porno

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought she was asking for help.

Professional help is for the addiction. Not for looking at porn. People with addictions have a hard time without help.

How silly of me for having my opinion and thinking I could help. Having been where her husband is now, I thought I might bring something useful to the table.

It's up to her (not you) to decide if it's helpful or not.

Kathsam: You will have to decide for yourself if you think his behaviour is acceptable to you or not and then go from there. But I guarantee you, he will not change until he actually wants to.

I too have been having that problem with my husband. He watches porn and inspite of my trying to watch it with him, do it with him watching it, and what not, he hides it from me. I have started ingoring it. But it is affecting my relationship with him, and it is quite frustrating. Do visit the site "pureintimacy.com". Although the solution it provides is bizarre (pray to God!!), it gives useful insight into how to deal with such issues.
I am currently in the process of talking to my hubby in getting into sex therapy, as I see no other way (this has been going on for at least one year now!). If we cannot do somthing about it, I guess I will just have to ignore it... as it is by now I feel tired being understanding and accommodating and all that, when clearly he doesn't want to do anything about it.

Hey Kathsam,
It is tough being in your position. But you know what? Letting something pass without confrontation makes matters worse, as it keeps adding up till one explodes (at least, that is what happens in my r'ship). I think confronting your husband without sounding accusative is the best way to deal with it.
Just because you have had two marriages that did not work out, doesn't justify your settling for something less than what you deserve. Marriage is tough. I just hope things start looking up for you. But do confront your husband... looking up old girlfriends is definitely crossing the line. 100% trust in this case is very hard.

I finally had a talk with my husband about how I feel about him watching porn. He said that he had no problem with how I felt and said that he would throw the videos away. He did. When he left for work I had to get ready to go to school so I got them out of the garbage and took them to the dumpster at my school and disposed of them myself. I didn't trust that he would come back home and dig them back out and hide them. He hid some from me before that he said he got rid of. As far as him looking up ex-girlfriends on line. I did ask him about that and he said that he didn't mean anything by it. I asked him why he did it when I left the room and he really didn't have an answer. I told him that I wouldn't have had a problem with it if he had done it in front of me. He just said well, I didn't mean anything by it. So, I guess I have to accept what he's saying. What else can I do?

Slappy: They are engaging in sex with another person instead
of the one they are committed to whether visually or not! Just another form of legal adultery, if you will!

You need more help than I realized!

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"Visual" adultury is not a form of legal adultery.

No, it's not legal adultery but their minds could be elswhere!

Hmm - I suspect Misti meant that it does not equate to adultery in the legal sense, but is adultery "in the heart" as it were.

I think you are complicating (is that even a word?) perfectly obvius situations. Let's put aside religious fanatics (they are, of course, as well entitled to their opinion, but these are not in any way connected with majority of society) - it's clear that watching porn is not unfaithful in any means and it's also not something dirty or anything.

Also, it's more then obvius that if someone's watching of porn interferes with normal sexual life and if anyone prefers porn to being with his wife - then those people have problems. Big problems.

Talking about adultery is, with all due respect, nonsense, especially when we have in this same topic women that have nothing against it and also have some sort of desire or curiosity to watch porn with their husbands. Once again, everybody is entitled to believe that they will all end up burning in hell, but these are not arguments anyone should consider seriously in such debate. I suppose if you masturbate your hands will fall off?

Ahhh! Where are my hands!!

Hi Kathsam

That is such a standard answer that guys give!! I mean, my husband too gives answers like "I don't know why I did that, but I didn't mean to hurt you", and I think that its just an excuse to get out of uncomfortable situations. I mean, how can a person not have a reason for his actions?

Anyway, I guess we have no choice but to leave it for till another time when we do catch our hubby's watching porn. My husband deletes the history of porn only when he watches it, but I do know that he watches it. For now I am pretending that I don't know and I don't care anymore, just so that the charm of watching porn as something "wrong" goes away.

In any case I would like to play for time and see for how long he can go on with porn and without me. It has been affecting my needs, and I have started fantasizing, because I don't know what else to do!!

justoneofthegals there is nothing wrong in porn as addition, porn is wrong in ways you are mentioning. if your husband occasionaly checks porn sites it's not a big deal - IF he does not prefer it to you. If it affects your needs then it's not about porn, then it's about him not satisfying your needs. "Porn" in this case sounds more serious only because of moral hipocracy - wouldn't it be exactly the same if kathsam or you or anyone feels that their needs cannot be fullfilled because your husbands watch sports on TV 24 hours a day? You would again feel that your needs are affected and you would again be right. Maybe even more! Because with porn you can blame it on "ah, those guys, they always have to look other girls" and it can hurt, but not as much as it would probably hurt that he does not notice you at all because of sport. Because in that case all of you would be SURE that he has absolutely no feelings for you.

And, after all, there is nothing wrong in fantasizing, if he can do it, so can you

To tell it straight - I am married, I watch porn sometimes, my wife knows about it, I never choose porn instead of her, neither I stay late to watch porn if she goes to sleep and call me to join her - and nobody can say anything that will make me think that anything I do is wrong.

some women do not like to engage in oral sex. some women do not like to be used as a sex object. some times when the kids are around and a man gets horny, he can't just take his wife upstairs for a good shagging. Sex with a partner is a time investment and sometimes their isn't enough time to have a nice intimate sexual encounter with your partner.

a guy watching porn on a computer can rub one out in minutes, clean up with a tissue and be on his way. When women can deal with that and allow themselves to become (temporarily) like the women on the porn sites, then maybe your man will stop looking.

Porn fills a void in some peoples lives that they don't want to discuss with their partner. they don't want to imagine their partner getting bukkakeed, or bound and gagged, or whatever else an individual is into. they want their partner to be the lover they married, not the whore they want.

Of course, just like all the other guys here, I have never looked at porn and find it disgusting.

yeah, I forgot to mention that in my post

McGentrix tossed out this gem...


I'm glad you're here, McGentrix. Your weekly order just came in to the store.

Should I have it delivered to your house?

I don't think porn is wrong, and I do not have a problem with oral sex. In fact, I think its better than the other ways in the bedroom. And porn is NOT adultery. But yes it has been affecting my sex life. My hubby says that he is addicted to it because when I was away for 2 months, he got hooked onto it (again!) and it has been a hard habit to get rid off. I do not understand how it can be addiction, but I have read stuff online that says that it is true. Either that, or its something else people have found to blame their insecurities on.

Anyway, I just ignore it and focus on other more important stuff in life. It is hard, because my relationship with him has improved manifold, and yet I cannot understand the need for porn.