If he prefers porn to having sex with you, then you both need to do something about it. It could be something as simple as the fact that he doesn't get enough personal time, though.
Well, at least we know there is a clear male/female distinction on one issue.
Watching porn & fiddling with y'sel is no different from closing your eyes & doing it.
You need to find out why he's doing it so much.
One thing that I'm a bit skeptical of, though, whether they were truly "not aware" or if the "yeccchh" factor overrode the physical arousal. (I.e. it could be that they knew, but were NOT going to admit that watching a woman be sexually humiliated [for example] was arousing.)
Tell him to wait until you get home and watch it together. Tell him he needs to save his strength for you and then throw him down and ...
What kind of porn does he watch?
That may tell us the difference.
Is it "normal", Penthouse type porn or is it something harder (no pun intended)?
Perhaps he dwelves in some fantasies he dares not tell you.
Perhaps he should tell you those fantasies and you shouldn't be so prudish.
Perhaps he shouldn't (if the type of porn he watches is about something truly abhorrable) and should see a psychologist/counselor instead.
We have been married not quite 3 yrs. In the beginning he would watch it every time I left the room, say going to the bathroom or something. Or he would watch it in the early morning in another room then want sex with me. I told him that I would perfer that he watch it with me but, he couldn't do that or didn't want to. I did talk to him about my feelings and told him it just always looks like he's sneaking. That was the only part I didn't like. So, he gave it up a while and said he didn't need it. I'm going to school now and we don't see as much of each other so, on his Birthday this year I gave him a couple porn videos because, I don't want to be his Mommy and I know that's something he likes and I told him up front that I did not want that coming in the way of OUR sex life. I figured that he would use the occasionally. I didn't know he would be so obsessed with it. I'm the one to give the ok to watch them again. I know that he watched it yesterday in the early eve. while I was gone taking his son out to dinner so last night I tried to seduce him but, he wasn't interested. That hurts. Now I don't know what's going on. I'm an attractive woman who also has needs. And, I'm the one to tell him to go ahead and watch them but, I think it's out of control and he's more distant with me now. I want to thank all of you for your responses.
That does sound very much like obsession. I can't offer any professional advice--it's not my profession. However, it does sound as though he could benefit from professional advice. I love pasta, but i don't spend my life hiding away, cooking noodles to the exclusion of all other activities.
If he needs the porno to be aroused, he should seek therapy.
My husband and I have had to work this kind of thing out... he says this man is obsessed, no matter what kind of porn it is.
If he has to have it before sex with you, that's a problem.
He refuses to watch it with you... that's a problem.
It replaces sex with you... that's a problem.
If he is unwilling to work on this problem, you may want to consider a trial separation.
kathsam, yeah, that sounds like it has crossed a line. In addition to, whatever. Instead of... no.
Good luck.
L.R.R.Hood wrote:My husband and I have had to work this kind of thing out... he says this man is obsessed, no matter what kind of porn it is.
If he has to have it before sex with you, that's a problem.
He refuses to watch it with you... that's a problem.
It replaces sex with you... that's a problem.
If he is unwilling to work on this problem, you may want to consider a trial separation.
Ditto
Everything you just said is right on the money. I don't think any of us are saying porn is taboo. But whether it's porn...or something else...if one partner is bothered by it, you're gonna have problems. If both partners are into it....then it can be a "good" thing.
Hang in there kathsam. I pray it works out for both of you.
~Brooke
First'
I have to say Brooke, you are a Beauty.
I myself never watched porn. I think that if you are into it, more power to you. I would never have turned to a movie instead of my wife when I was married.
Ahhhhhhh thank-you Bud. Very sweet of you.
~Brooke
Awww, look! She's blushing!
Relationships
My husband was looking people up on the computer the other night. People he used to know back in another state. I was sitting there watching him then told him that I had to get ready for bed. He must of thought that he turned the computer off because, the next day when I went to sign on he had left it on. He left it on the site and I started going through it to see who he was looking up after I left the room the night before, and to my surprise he had looked up two old girlfriends. Not just girlfriends but, two girls that he was going to marry. I told him about it and he said he didn't mean anything by it. What should I think? I've already come out of two marriages where my husbands cheated on me. Should I believe him and just drop this?
Having been through this myself, I can tell you that your husband is addicted. And this addiction is a chemical addiction. But, instead of drugs, the porn is stimulating chemicals in his brain. I would bet it's not the porn itself, but the excitement it gives him.
He could probably use professional help. If so, the thing he needs most is your support.
Here's some internet resources to get you started:
http://open-mind.org/Sex-Love.htm
Best of luck to ya!
You have to be kidding me. Professional help for looking at porn. People who make those christian anti-porn websites...they need professional help.
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