First time affair - confused feelings

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Hi there, and thanks for reading. I'm a 44 y/o married man. I've been with my wife for over 25 years. There is a co-worker of mine that is attracted by me and the feeling is mutual. The thing is, we seldomly come into contact each other as we work in different areas of the state. It so happens that I have been working in her area of the state and I am staying at a hotel in the area. She and I have discussed it, and we are planning on spending the night together.

My thing is, I have never been involved in this type of relationship before. I really want to do this for the thrill and because of the mutual attraction. I am having a tough time internally balancing out the feelings. I'm feeling quite confused because the feelings that I'm having aren't purely sexual, they are more of love. I know that there are a lot of underlying sexual feelings toward her, but I can't decipher the two.

I feel that I'm being a bit too clingy onto her, and I don't want to turn her off. I just want to let things flow naturally. I am 99% happy at home, and 99% happy in bed, so I don't have much to ask for in that area, but my heart is feeling torn in two because of the feelings that I am having towards her.

We talked about our getting together and the fact that it was only sexual in nature, and nothing more, however, since this is my first time doing this, I'm not sure how to wrap my head around it.

If anyone has any thoughts, please feel welcome to share.

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Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 6,317 • Replies: 13

@confused4sure,

Sounds like you want a nice, happy way to have an affair. No mention of your wife.

Could it be your weird feelings are, I dunno, guilt?

1 Reply

@jespah,

Of course, any person who had a warm blooded heart would be feeling some sort of guilt. That would come naturally in this situation. The feelings I have are those of attraction. I'm trying to balance attraction vs. love or something along those lines. I know that the guilt will be something else to have to deal with.

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@confused4sure,

It's one thing is to fantasize about this in your head but it's a whole other thing to actualize it.

If you're 99% happy at home as you say, why not just leave this in your head where it does no harm. What would happen if your wife read about this online...or discovered about this by accident. What would you feel like then? How would you feel if it was your wife who wanted to sneak around and have an affair...blindsiding you?

How could you deal with how hurt she'd be by being blindsided? Have any kids? Does she? How do you explain it to them? How about the collateral damage that this thrill could produce?

What about telling your wife about your fantasy and working on the relationship instead of acting on a fantasy?

Man up! You made a vow in front of friends family and community. Stick with it! Remember those wedding vows? Is entertaining a fanstasy worth all that potential heartache?

You stated that you feel needy. How about first dealing with that directly - instead of living out a momentary fantasy?

1 Reply

@Ragman,

In my head is probably the best place to keep it. I agree. Yes, I do have kids. I know the risks involved here. Keeping it in my head is the hard part at this point. I'm fairly sure that I want to let it happen and get it overwith so the feelings can just be what they may. I'm hoping that after it happens, then things can go back to normal, the thrill will be gone, and hopefully the love attraction that is in my head will cease.

1 Reply

@confused4sure,

I reread my reply and I didn't mean to sound so much like a scold. The longer you postpone acting on this, the wiser you'll be. There is something missing from your marital relationship and the affair won't fill that gap. You talked about your own clinginess. Do you really think this is going away? Afterward, you'll still have the gap and a new prob.

However, I will tell you this from my own experience, you will feel differently about yourself afterward. Your word and your own integrity are what is at stake. Do you want to even the score and tell your wife and give her the same opportunity to have a fling with someone? Wouldn't that be fair?

1 Reply

@Ragman,

No, I don't feel like letting her even the score. That is still a bad area for me to go. I couldn't imagine. That's why I can't believe that I'M in this situation. I could do it either way. I WANT to go forward with it, but I wouldn't mind putting on the brakes. I don't want to hurt the person who I am having this "thing" with. We have already briefly kissed.

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@confused4sure,

Quote:

but I wouldn't mind putting on the brakes

So? While thinking of whether you should or should not act on this thrill, think about your wife being in the same spot and debating about the same thing. Why not be fair and give her the same opportunity?

0 Replies

@confused4sure,

You still seem a helluva lot more worried about the other woman's feelings than your wife.

Get this over with? Sheesh, if it's that much like a root canal, why do it?

The consequences can be something fierce. You really want to put your kids through this? Here's an idea. If it's love (and not lust), then you should be able to have some self-control and wait. And then ask your wife to separate. And then see how lovely all of this is.

Right now it's a fantasy. Wanna go through a divorce? Want your children to learn that marriage is just, I dunno, something you toss for the sake of a fling that you don't even sound that enthused about? Want to support a second household, and only see your kids every other weekend, if that?

Ragman didn't want to sound like a scold, but I got no such compunctions. Think through the consequences - and I mean ALL of them - before taking the plunge. If you weren't concerned at all, you wouldn't be asking; you'd be halfway out the door already. Asking says, to me, that you're conflicted. This is not going to be, as Erica Jong so cleverly called it, a zipless ****. It is going to have consequences, even if your wife never finds out, and you take the secret to your grave. Think about that.

1 Reply

@jespah,

I agree with everything you all are saying. I know that I should do the right thing and not go through with this at all. I knew that if I put this out there, I would be told not to, so I'm not surprised at all at the replies. I'm just confused about the feelings that I'm having for the other woman. Are they of lust, love, or what? I care for her as a friend, a human, and I don't know what else. I certainly love my wife and care for her as well 10,000 times more. I don't want to hurt either of them.

1 Reply

@confused4sure,

You can of course be friends with other people, even people who, under other circumstances, would be suitable partners. But you've got to take a step back and assess what's really going on. And why are you looking for this outside of marriage? This can be a call for help, a clue that things aren't rosy and maybe something needs to be worked on.

So get into couples therapy and work on it from within. Why toss something good for something fleeting?

Our brains dope us up with all sorts of feel-good chemicals when we start new things (and not just relationships, BTW, although we get the most high from those). And those chemicals can keep us from thinking straight. But a big part of maturity is understanding that there's something beyond the horizon, and there are days beyond tomorrow.

0 Replies

Why would you risk your marriage because your little head is telling your big head what to do?

There will be many women coming thru your life who will turn you on. Are you going to act on them, too?

You have no idea what you are stepping into, dude.

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@confused4sure,

I have been on this slippery slope but am the woman in the story. Affairs end in pain. When you enter it you have no idea of the level of pain you will cause yourself, your wife and the OW. They always end in tears so if you can put the chemical draw away I advise you to walk away.

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@confused4sure,

If you're okay to risk losing your wife and hurting her, go for it...

Otherwise, keep it in your pants...

0 Replies

First time affair - confused feelings

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