Advice needed - Dont want to lose her

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Hello Everyone,

The issue is as complex as it is simple. We have been recently married and the issues cropped up between us within a month of marriage. I accidentally bumped into her email which contained her old stuff with her previous BF and pictures and pretty much read everything out of curiosity (I couldn't control)

I questioned her this and she remained silent about this and told me, they were nothing. She said, They were all her office colleagues and she never induldged in anything bad.

Now coming to the context of this - I couldn't erase this stuff from my brain (although this was her past before her marriage). Now everytime I kept pesterin her about her past (ofcourse before her marriage, saying u r bad, u r not good n all that) and my wife slowly started losing hope in me of a beautiful marriage, life and kids. She denied Kids as well.

One night there was a huge fight and the elders, parents came from both sides. She started complaining on me that I was harassing her, torturing her n all that (which is to some extent true, since I couldn't forget her past). Out of too much anger, I took out all the pictures of her and showed them to all the elders telling every1, see what kind of a woman is she. She was heartbroken on this and cried.

Now one thing is - I know I did wrong by pestering her everytime about her past, but why she had to preserve her old boy friend pictures and emails when she is getting married for the firsttime? What does it mean?

We have living apart for almost 5+ months now. Everyday I feel that I have committed huge blunder and want to take my wife back asking for complete forgiveness. I have decided I will never talk to her about her past nor will ever come up with it. I want to start a family afresh and never want to go back to that old stuff. The Reason - I love her.

What should I do to convince her that I have changed for good and will remain good and soft. How to make her forgive me after all this. I just dont want to lose my wife for anything in this world. What happened is happened I want to start new life with her and I want to make her forget the things happened between us. How?

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Type: Discussion • Score: 5 • Views: 972 • Replies: 10

[+3] - PUNKEY - 11/27/2012You let your jealousy kill the love in your marriage. I don't know if you can get it back. Does she talk to you? What does she say. Most likely, she is afraid of your temper and your...

You let your jealousy kill the love in your marriage.

I don't know if you can get it back.

Does she talk to you? What does she say.

Most likely, she is afraid of your temper and your paranoia. You doubted her love and because of your own insecurities, you may have lost her.

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@Lovingjoy,

Yep dude you really messed up, Jealousy is a pig, if i was you i would go to a pshycotherapist and have a chat, see if you really can get rid of all these feelings, about her past that are clearly mulling around in your head, everyone has a past, the best thing to do is let sleeping dogs ly if you ask me.
If i was your wife i would be thinking what kind of a nut did i marry, you have issues with control and showing the pictures to the old folk, seems like you made her out to be a tramp....go get some counselling, it may be that you can't get over this and its just the type of person you are, and i doubt you came across the emails by accident, so what if she has pictures of an old boyfriend....she married you didnt she..., you really need to get over this with a professional, you sound like the type of fella who says they can, but id imagine really can't it is something that will fester and grow inside you like a tumour, get help or give her a divorce, and the next gal you meet, maybe ask her all about her past and see if you can deal with that......taking away someones freedom in a marriage isnt the way to go, people are individuals first you should resepct her privacy

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Besides that, did YOU have a past with other women?

Did she ever throw that up in your face?

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@Lovingjoy,

I'm wondering what has really changed with you?

You admitted to a 'mistake' once, and yet kept pestering her - you say you've made a mistake but the problem (jealousy) still exists...why then should she believe anything has changed?

So you apologise but still gets jealous - she gets justifiably angry, and in retaliation, you show the whole world her past - in retaliation you betrayed her ! You betrayed her on many levels, and deep levels - you betrayed her terribly and publicly to the people she cares about the very most...why should she ever forgive you? If you want her back, you need to find the answer to this question - and the answer by the way, isn't 'love' - you loved her and still did this.

...and the problem (jealousy) still exists...what have you done to change this within yourself?

ie. 1. Why should she ever choose to be with someone again who did what you did...AND... 2. hasn't fixed the problem (the jealousy) within yourself that lead to it?

No sane person would go back to you after that, and without hope of safety.

...then again, we humans aren't always sane.

1 Reply

@vikorr,

It has been like months living apart from my wife and I realize (I mean truly realize the value of her) which just outshines all the jealousy, doubts and her past within me. It is tough for me to make her realize that I have changed while we are living apart.

So, I want us both 2 come together and start living. This way, I strongly feel I can provide her a sense of security, calmness and I can truly show her that I have changed for good.

I see no other option as of now else above. Anything else works?

She is bit calmed down now...but still has those harsh memories. I am trying all to erase them from her although it is tough. But I cannot lose her anyways.

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@Lovingjoy,

Well, you can't actually erase her memories - they are there, and always will be. Have you ever forgotten major events in your life?

The only thing you can do is recognise this, pay the price, and build the trust and connection back up.

Quote:

It has been like months living apart from my wife and I realize (I mean truly realize the value of her) which just outshines all the jealousy, doubts and her past within me. It is tough for me to make her realize that I have changed while we are living apart.

You do realise what you said here, right?

Why was sentimentality for her past (boyfriend included) a big issue for you? Surely you expect her to have fond memories of past boyfriends? Surely you expect to treasure the time she spent with them (if the two of you separated, you'd want her time with you to be a highlight of her life, right?). Her past made her the person who you love, and you want her to erase her past now that she's with you? And if she's faithful to you, why does treasure a happy past matter at all to you? Ie. Why was it/is it a big issue for you?

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@vikorr,

It was not a big issue for me. But when she treasured them in email and when I accidentally found out, I couldn't control myself (manly) .

But now I dont care all of 'em now. What I want is my wife and her tender care. We love each other a lot...just need to overcome this hurt that we caused to eachother unintentionally.

Wish me good luck

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@Lovingjoy,

good luck

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@vikorr,

Thank you Vikorr.

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@Lovingjoy,

I take issue with this;=: "just need to overcome this hurt that we caused to each other unintentionally."

Uh, she didn't cause any hurt. How you feel is your business, not hers. You got jealous and upset and that had nothing to do with her.

My husband had 9 ex-girlfriends at our wedding and we see some of them a fair bit. It doesn't bother me at all. See the difference?

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Advice needed - Dont want to lose her

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