Harrasment from husband ...he is a cheat and abuser

I assume you are in India. I don't know if there any women's organizations who can help but you might want to check with your local government. You might also consider sharing a living space with another woman who is widowed, divorced or looking to get divorced. Is it possible to find another working woman who also wants to leave a bad marriage and the two of you share expenses to get away from bad husbands? I'm sure there are many women in your situation and would welcome such a solution.

You might want to try finding an Indian forum that deals in this sort of thing. There are a LOT of cultural issues going on here that westerners can't advise you about. For example - I have no idea why lying about your caste would be considered cheating, nor what the consequences of such are.

let me see wat i can do......i also caught my husband speaking to his x- girl friend every day. infact hr lied to me that its a guy . anyways i am not bothered about my living and money but y i was a victim to such rude person who is nor worried about any body else apart from himself.anyways thanks a lot to respond

hi,

I understand the situation you are in. The Solution is not to end the marriage or divorce him. Seriously do not even think on those lines.

You can do one thing...talk to him once nicely (I know you did already). But try to open up yourself and tell him how bad you feel whenever he behaves like that with you. Are you talking in first place and clearing air.

Now, if this doesn't work, you find a new place and try to stay away from your husband (but never leave marriage) and do not forget to tell him that (please do tell it, open your voice) unless he changes for good you will not come back. The distance of you from him will bring change in him for sure (It should in 90% of cases). Do not shout on him and be calm and quiet when you are away...let him shout/bark r watever. Although, its not good for you to be away from your husband (in India) it seems to be bit required here.

But again, you know his attitude well and just in case if you see higher problems if you try to stay away from him like and his selfishness increases more and he tries to leave his relationship (which obviously you do not want to end) then stay with him. Be Patient and Be loving.....return love for all his rudeness...........it takes time....but he vil change for sure.

No one can beat LOVE.....its a Powerful Weapon. Just that it just requires lot of patience and I believe you have loads of it.

I am sorry, if this sounds like bad advise.....and am from INDIA.

Take Care.

You may be Indian, but I disagree with most of what you said. Love is not that powerful a weapon. Being nice and calm and sweet is a) not going to work, and b) is totally false to how she really feels. Are you telling her to be phony? To be someone else? Maybe she'd like to slap his face!

Indian women need to get out of the 16th Century and realize they're equal and don't need to suffer this treatment. Why should she stay with such a disrespectful person? Why should anyone?

She should leave him (move in with a girlfriend) and tell him if he wants her back he's going to have to go to counselling. I know there is counselling in India, somewhere.

But she should NOT have to put up with his abusive behaviour.

Amen!, Sister.

I don't care what culture a person is from, no one should spend their life with someone who does not respect them. Everyone is entitled to love and respect in a marriage. If a spouse cannot do something as basic as that it is time to find a new spouse. I'm sorrow some cultures insist on treating women like indentured servants and think they should suffer and endure because of archaic philosophies that do not belong in the 21st century.

hi Madam,

I agree to whatever you said with no doubt. She need not go through abuse but at the same time cannot break marriage. Two things here that need to balanced and my advise is based on that.

I clearly advised the respected lady here to talk to her husband first (incase he is stubborn and doesn't want to change, the she can move out with her girlfriend and ask him to goto counselling).

In India, the distance from wife will change the person for sure, that is when he will come to know the value of a wife. But Wife should take every care that the husband doesn't think of leaving her when she is far away. To make sure of this, she should talk to him clearly before leaving that she will never break the marriage but she will not come back if he doesn't change.

Eventually, when this man stays alone for few days -- months he will for sure come to his senses and will come to know of his priorities as a husband and father.

The Solution to escape abusal is not to end marriage...........I will never recommend it and the sister will face huge, huge shame in Society (ofcourse in India) for this and I do not want her to go through this. So better, change husband with love and patience.

Trust me............It works............in INDIA.

hey,

I dont know where you are from basically suggesting her to end marriage and find a new spouse....are you like joking?

She is married to a man, shared everything of her to him and even has a kid...what kind of foolish advise is this to her? asking her to marry someone else and share herself to some1 else?? Is she a buying item in market? Dont she have a dignity.

There are ways to change the person and it is possible...never say not possible And the solution is not to kill marriage.

It shows how much impatient is a woman who thinks only way to escape abuse is to end marriage...........WTF !!!! Dont you understand how much pain she has to go through to end marriage? and what will be the situation of the kid in the society?? who has no father..............to even imagine this is worst.

Probably, you do not understand all of this....as you are not from INDIA. But never suggest to end marriage.............its a big SIN.

You are suggesting to Stab with knife on the wound that would kill the person here the relationship. The Solution is to treat that wound not to stab and kill.

Amen.

I'm from the US and plenty of people here no longer think a life long marriage is important. We live happier lives because of it. Instead of suffering in a bad relationship we go on to find a more suitable spouse, partner or live peacefully by ourselves. I don't think our gods give a crap if people stay married or not, so please don't try and speak for them.

People don't change unless they want to, and this man obviously doesn't want to change. His behavior hurts this woman, he knows he is making her miserable and he obviously doesn't care. She deserves her freedom from this marriage trap.

If you, Chaitukpr, marry a bad person and don't want to end the relationship that should be your choice. No one should make you get a divorce. Doesn't this woman deserve to make the same choice? Her choice might be different from yours. Why do you think your choice is best for her? You don't know how much suffering she has endured. How can it be bad to try and find a better man who appreciates her, respects her and will be a better role model for her son?

I know MANY people (both men and women, including some from India) who have left unhappy marriages. They got divorced and went on to have new happier relationships (not always ending up in marriage). I have never met anyone who was sorry they left a bad marriage, but I know a few people who stayed too long in a bad marriage and are either miserable to this day or regret not getting out sooner. I wish this woman a new, happier life with or without a new man.

You sure are Atheist. People like you now-a-days suggest women to take wrong tracks and leave the husbands because they are abusive.

You dont even have a tip of what problems this lady will have to go through if she has to leave her husband. And above all you are looking at someone else (man) to be a role-model and Dad for her son? So who is the one who fathered him..just a sperm donor............BULL **** !!!!!

Marriage is a profound mystery and a secret. To me, once you join some1 in marriage for good or bad...you need to stay with him.

And now, coming to cheating/abuse............deal with it with patience.

You are advising her to leave this person and marry some1 else. Do you even have the faintest idea how the new person is going to treat her? (One day he will feel that he is living with second-handed girl who is already a mother, who is alread some1 elses wife, after his desire for her decreases, which obviously is a mans perspective in 90% of cases, then he too will start treating her like crap). May be this new spouse may treat her with respect initially, but eventually when fights start (for simple reasons/for difficult reasons) he will for sure take out words like ('you used whore', 'you second-handed woman').

Trust me this really happens in INDIA. Now what should she do then? should she leave this second person and marry third one again? Are you mad?

Patience, Endurance and Love is what is needed primarily in marriage...this woman can endure this marriage with love and can change him. What she needs is to believe....believe....that is required.

She will be in more trouble if she will leave this marriage than what she is in now. Women..................have patience...........and stick to your marriage !!!

Change comes when people stand up for themselves. As long as people in India keep thinking it's still the 13th century in terms of social customs they will remain miserable. I hope the young people (both male and female) of India will move forward and understand that abuse does not have to be endured because of outdated beliefs. Until then, people like you will keep India poor, over-populated and it will remain as one of the places on earth that women are counted as the most unhappy.

May God give you wisdom first......I can sense feminism in you. I am not talking either on behalf of man (or) on behalf of woman here...............am talking for marriage. Have some brains pls..........have pity there is a kid here..and you are asking mother to go and marry some1 else !!!

There are other multiple ways to deal with abuse.............you are simply aiming and advising for one simple solution...........end the marriage..........WTF !!! Is this also some kind of suggestion?? ROFL.

You are asking since you have pain in the body take cyanide..........bull **** !! I will never take your word even if am in USA/UK/Italy.

Patience, Endurance and love cultivate it..no matter where you live on Globe........and people has loads of them in INDIA. Lots of marriage families are happy !

I understand we are having a culture clash here, Chaitikpr, but why is staying in a bad marriage so important? Who does it benefit? Certainly not the children who see their mother disrespected and maybe even physically hurt. Societies that allow for divorce are some of the happiest and most comfortable places to live on earth, so apparently the gods do not care enough about divorce to punish them. I know many people who have divorced and remarried and are very happy and successful. Their children are fine. I even know people from India who have been divorced and remarried, everyone is better off. In the case of one woman I know, she now helps her 2nd husband in a successful business. Her children from the first dissolved marriage help too and will inherit the business. The man she divorced ( it was an arranged marriage when she was very, very young) used to beat her and she ran away. Fortunately, her family did not think like you and helped her. She later learned this first husband tried to kill his second wife by suffocating her while she slept and he was put in jail. How could it have been good for her and her children to stay with such a terrible man? Life for her and her children is so good now and full of love. If she had stayed she might have ended up dead before her 20th birthday.

I believe we should all cultivate patience, endurance and love, but most bad men will never change and we know that from police statistics about domestic violence. Therefore, it is not good advice for you to encourage an innocent woman to stay with a bad man, she might end up dead.
(I hope this all makes sense I had to type it quick.)

With respect, Chaitukpr, she came on a forum that is international. The advice we are giving is not necessarily the advice she will take. Only she knows her situation. However, we are enlightening her as to what most of the developed world believes. The fact that Indians and many, many others world-wide, still believe in that archaic system is really too bad.

India is not the only country that needs to get its head out of the sand and realize that 'marriage' is not God-given, or even God-blessed. If it's not working, change it, whether it be a friendship, a job, or a marriage. It's only a marriage if they walk together.

When someone abuses someone else, that needs to change, as in STOP. It's bad for everyone involved and setting a bad example for the children.

The marriage, per se, isn't everything... the RELATIONSHIP is. If it's crap, it has to change.

We have the freedom on this site to offer our perspective when it is asked for. If you disagree, that's fine. But it's fine for us to disagree with you. If the advice is not what she needs, she won't take it.

But seriously, India needs to get with the program! This is 2012, not 1612!!! You all need to update your thinking just as you have your software, electronics, technology, etc.

This is not about generations....or centuries...or years. This is about Marriage. What the use if a human has the technology, gadgets and improvisation and just cannot barely withhold his marriage. People all are selfish and look only for their own happiness............marriage is not like that. If your partner is selfish be patient and change him..else wait for him to change from far....Never leave him.

Let it be India, Let it be China, Let it be America....................Marriage should be a success...........else all the success is waster. God Bless you all..

Just told my opinion

http://able2know.org/topic/131223-2#post-5165723

Marriage is nothing but an agreement. It's a contract. If one person breaches the contract, the contract is null and void.

What's most important is a person's happiness. Period. If that means leaving a meaningless marriage contract, so be it.

Get your head out of your butt and realize this.

Is this the same person?

The worst advice you will ever get is below. Do the exact opposite. If your not willing to help yourself, why should anyone try and help you. Leave the idiot, or be the idiot.