My husband is abusive to me in every ways. What do I do? HELP!!

Reply Fri 3 Jul, 2009 11:40 pm
I wish my daughter could read all of this. On June 15, she and her 2 month old baby came to live with me, due to her boyfriends abuse. I helped her get a temporary restraining order. She was supposed to go to court this Monday, 7/6/09. Well, Tuesday when I was at work I guess the ex came to my house and she and my grandbaby left with him. I am heartbroken and sick with worry. Having been abused myself way back when, I wanted so much better for her. But I also know how manipulative abusers can be, what with their "I'm sorrys" and "I'll change". I am absolutely heartbroken. I can still smell my precious little grandbaby's baby smell. Please say a prayer that she will get away from him, for her sake and her babies sake.
PS: When you say the prayers: daughters name is Chelsy, her baby's name is Aria. Thank you.
New Mum to be
Reply Sun 19 Jul, 2009 05:43 pm
Hi, sorry i took long to reply. I have finally giving birth and having my daughter now kept me busy. But yeh i got your message and don't worri i will pray for both of them. I understand, it's not easy to let go but you stay strong and have faith. She will come back.
Take care,
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New Mum to be
Reply Mon 20 Jul, 2009 07:52 pm
Hi everybody
How are you all doing?

Do you remember me? I'm the girl with "the abusive husband in every way". I have given birth to a beautiful baby girl and I have been busy looking after her. Well, updating to what I wrote before giving birth. I just want to say my birth was fine and I have giving birth naturally.
My husband was not allowed to come in the labour room, as I have demanded. I now have my daughter and put in a prohibited steps order and residency order to say he's not allowed to come near me or remove my daughter from my care. This is temporary until the court hears his side of the story and makes final decisions.
I'm writing to say I have strong fears that my husband will hurt my daughter if I don't abide by his rules. I have known my husband for almost 3yrs and I know what he's capable of doing. In the past he would make love to me without my consent and would tell me he has every rights, as I’m his wife, which I don't think is fair. He would even have sex with me when I’m sick, sleeping, on my period and during my pregnancy etc. In other words, my husband cannot control his desires of sex when they come, find out more on: MY HUSBAND IS ABUSIVE TO ME IN EVERY WAY, WHAT DO I DO? HELP! And you'll know what I mean.
To be honest, I don't want him near my daughter because I fear him and want my daughter to be safe. My husband like I said, have done so many horrible things to me in the past of which I was vulnerable and defenceless as I was pregnant. I did not have any freedom of speech what so ever; it was all about what he wants. I feared my husband so much that I did not report any of the abuses to the police because I was warned not to or else. I now wish I did.
I was a victim of rape in the past of which I also didn’t report but now is not just about me, I have a daughter who I need to keep safe. I have never had justice done to me and would like that now.
I have deep feelings that if justice is not done, my husband will one day take my daughter out of the country or will rape her as well as he doesn't care about anyone's feeling as long as he gets his first.
He didn’t care about my feelings, what makes me think he would care about my daughter's feeling or age.
I'm a young 20years old girl who really wants help, justice and safety for my daughter. I would die if I loose my daughter to him or if he ever hurts my baby. Been raped at the age of 11 is not an easy thing to forget as no matter what you do or where you go these thoughts remains in your mind. It affects you emotionally and mentally and to have these recalled again by a person you though you could love and trust, make things worse.
I have my daughter registered already and she has my last name. I had to put my husband's name on the birth certificate as we were married on the day she was born. I was devastated when I had to do that, as I did not want to have him as the father on my daughter's birth certificate. I just wanted to get a divorce and have his paternity rights removed, as all he gave me was hell. I don't think he deserves to have the paternity rights because he has not supported me through my pregnancy but only thought of him.
My main question is:
Can I remove his name as the biological father on my daughter's birth certificate and just have blank? If yes, how?
Can I tell the court that I don't want him to have direct contacts with my daughter and why? If yes, again how?
I'm sorry this might sound awful but I hate my husband so much for what he's done to me? I just want to get a divorce, finalise things and move on to take care of my daughter. I have been through a lot of stress concerning the whole matter.
All I want now is justice. My husband wants me back now, saying he promise things will be better but I do not believe him because he said that to me many times and things got worse. He's only been nice now because he's loosing his case in court and I don't want to be fooled again.
I also do not want my daughter to know that her father is a rapist. I don't want her to know him at all. She does not deserve that. I want the best interest for her.
I have lost trust in men and don't think I will be able to love again or if I ever do, it will take time because love for me now does not exist.
First love fucked up, big time. And
Once a rapist, always a rapist
Once a wife beater, always a wife beater
Once a cheater, always a cheater
There's no way I will go back to the suffering of the past or allow my daughter to go through it.

Please help and reply with what you think.
Take care,
New Mum
Reply Mon 20 Jul, 2009 09:13 pm
@New Mum to be,
Are you in a position to pay for all of this child's needs for the next 18 years, that is without government checks? If not then why should we the taxpayers allow you to load up on us the cost of raising your kid just because you are filled with hate and don't want a child to know her father. I would rather you both be forced to take care of your responsibilities. we could get you into a program to deal with your anger issues if that would help you to be able to be a co-parent.
New Mum to be
Reply Tue 21 Jul, 2009 07:50 am
Yes i am able to take care of my daughter on my own which i have been doing so far. Her father himself has not done anything to support her all through my pregnancy and after. So i have been supporting myself and my daughter.
It's not about hatred but i'm more concern about safety. I don't want child support from him, i will be fine on my own. What i want is justice and the safety of my daughter.
My husband is very abusive and capable to do whatever to bring me down. He said that to me many times aswell. He refuses to pay anything.
I have tried counselling on marriages but he refuses to turn up and said i'm insulting him of been mentally disturbed.
I want JUSTICE and SAFETY and i would stop at nothing to get that.
I want him to leave us alone. He took advantage of me but i will not let him do that to me again. My daughter does not deserve her father like him.
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Reply Tue 21 Jul, 2009 12:51 pm
Get a court order of protection on him. Let them determine if he should pay child support and/or get custody. If he is as bad as you say he is, there should be no issues in proving that she would not be safe around him.
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Reply Mon 16 Jul, 2012 05:15 am
@New Mum to be,
Please don't go back to him don't put his name
On the birth certificate & he won't have any
control over you the rest of your life, I made the
mistake of staying & now he can use custody
threats against me even though I've been looking
After our child while he goes out does what he
Wants - I fell pregnant same way you did! I
only wished I'd left whilst pregnant if he's acted
like a snake & threaten you that he will take yr
Child DONT trust him a good man doesn't
do this ... you & bub deserve a peaceful environment
& a nicer man in yr future with more stability
.. screw the lack of support family & friends
Show you r strong enough & prayer yr angels
& god will keep you 2 out of harms way xxx
Love & inner strength from me .. if u can tell
Him you'll only go back if he signs an agreement
that if he gets abusive u have full custody
Otherwise he can go jump , u hold the powe
right now not him don't forget that ...
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Reply Sat 25 Aug, 2012 04:47 pm
I would beg u to not go back to him,I am in the same situation as you but worse that my daughters dad is not a British national n he has been lying to me from the beginning of our relation ,he sum how brain washed me into running away with him even though I said I would never do that,he is very controlling ,I spike to my midwife about the physical abuse,they refered me to SS ,n then I took my statement back as I feared they would take my baby away n he sum how managed to convince them that he was the victims,I really don't know what to do,as I don't WANt to be a single mum,but then again want best life for my daughter ,also he is a snitch ,but I'm fearful incase he kills himself or bcones homeless or sumfin
Reply Sun 26 Aug, 2012 06:26 am
Why are you more worried about him than about your daughter? Or about your own personal safety?

He's a big boy. He will most likely be fine. I urge you to seek counseling and ask about what's called battered wives' syndrome. You are sympathizing with your tormentor, much the same way as kidnapping victims sometimes sympathize with kidnappers (that's called Stockholm Syndrome).
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Reply Wed 29 Aug, 2012 06:38 am
if the therapy or talking to him doesn't work i think you should look for a divorce or legal help regarding this.
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Sanjana k
Reply Mon 12 Nov, 2012 06:45 pm
@New Mum to be,
Hi dear,
When I read your article, I was able to identify myself in it because it was very similar to what I went through. Now its almost an year that I got married to this abusive husband of mine. I don't have a child yet. I have moved out. I am with my mother as my dad passed away recently. I haven't returned to him ever since my dad's death. My decision to stay away from him as grown stronger. I can suggest you to talk to a counselor or a psychiatrist. But please do not go back to him for the sake of security as he will take you more for granted if you do so. If he can abuse you, he can do the same to your child as well. Do you want to put your baby's life at risk for the sake of financial security or just to have his name on your child's birth certificate? The more you forgive and go back, the worse it gets. Believe me. So please try find someone who can help you. Seek help from your family. And importantly there is law, which is on your side. So be strong and confident. You will find the solution. I am sure.
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Reply Wed 31 Jul, 2013 09:55 am
Do not go back! I know exactly what you're going thru + worse!!! Any man who soberly forces you to have sex with him is not worth being with (a drunken man is better forgiven due to the fact drunk ness doesn't last forever and sober is the aftermath). I've been thru similar situation but worse! There isn't enough character typing to even type the stories, the pain, the relationship abuse! I am a 20 year old in Louisiana whom suffered from it and still is... Waiting on my next move. Feel free to reply or contact for guidance, because I know exactly what you're going through!!!!!
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Reply Wed 31 Jul, 2013 04:39 pm
@New Mum to be,
I'm sorry to hear that you have to go through this. This is a very difficult situation and I admire you for your courage in coming out. The first step in getting help is stepping up and accepting that there is a problem. Initially what I would suggest is you seek help from people close to you. People you know have the capacity to understand you and your husband equally.

Hope things would turn out well for you.
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Reply Wed 31 Jul, 2013 09:59 pm
@New Mum to be,
He's mentally sick get rid of him.
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