Should I send a gift? And if so, when?

Forums: Relationships, Family, Adoption, Protocol, Gift
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Mo's other mom is getting married next month.

I haven't seen her in 6 years (really? wow.) but we "communicate" through her aunt so we're both up to speed on what the other is doing, and more importantly for her, how Mo is doing.

Anyway, Aunty told me about the wedding and I asked where she was registered and today while browsing her registry I started wondering whether it was a good idea or not.

Good idea: We're old friends. I truly care for her. I'm really happy for her. I would like to show my support. Groom knows about Mo and knows the whole back story so it wouldn't be a "who are these people?" sort of thing.

Bad idea: I know that biomoms/birthmoms/first moms/natural moms/whatever the correct terminology moms still have feelings about this kind of thing and I have no reason to believe that other mom is an exception. I don't want to inject an element of melancholy on her happy day.

Would it maybe be better to send a gift with Aunty at a slightly later date?

What do you think?

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Type: Question • Score: 14 • Views: 5,379 • Replies: 54

@boomerang,

My instinct is yes, a gift.

Time, whenever you figure out what you want to send and mail it.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

I've had fun with the wrapping of wedding gifts, you could tell mine at a table of corporate fancy wrap. I know you are not me, or vice versa, but she would probably appreciate an expression of you as not routine. (but, clear it with yourself re what you know of her and stuff she might not like )

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@boomerang,

Have you been invited to wedding or reception?

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@ossobuco,

Thanks, osso.

I like wrapping too. I have an idea for a gift (not on the registry) but I'm curious about what you mean by "not routine".

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@roger,

No I haven't. We haven't. I think that's as it should be.

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@boomerang,

I think that sounds appropriate (sending a smallish gift a few days or so later). If the gift was sent to coincide with the event..perhaps it might be a little of an emotional damper or distraction? (FWIW, it would be in my mind if it were me.)

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@boomerang,

At my most exuberant, I gave sort of low end gifts, related to my income, but never anything on some registry. Sometimes craft, sometimes one of my own paintings (probably not a good idea now re one of your photos - not sure).
In '09, on my visit to california, in the cousin's son's house that I thought least liked me, always quiet, one of my paintings is in a key place in the living room. He orchestrated a family lunch. It is to weep, I was so happy.

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@boomerang,

by not routine, I mean not like anyone else's

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@boomerang,

My hunch is to go with your best instincts, boomerang.

Quote:

We're old friends. I truly care for her. I'm really happy for her. I would like to show my support. Groom knows about Mo and knows the whole back story so it wouldn't be a "who are these people?" sort of thing.

A nice gift that you think she'd like. Smile

(Not too extravagant, so it doesn't stand out too much amongst the rest.)

As to when?
At the usual time people give wedding gifts.
It'll be your good wishes amongst all the rest!

1 Reply

@Ragman,

Yes. This is exactly what I'm worried about. I don't want to inject one tiny bit of sadness on that day. We see Aunty often enough that I could send something through her in a timely manner but with what might be better timing.

But I don't want Other Mom to think that I have forgotten her, either.

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@ossobuco,

Edit to say maybe she would expect more than what I was thinking - you have money, right? relative to her.

Maybe the best new cooking apparatus would be received better immediately.

You know her better than we do.

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@ossobuco,

Oh gosh, no. Not a photo.

I have something in mind that relates to our history from well before Mo.

What a lovely tribute to you that was!

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@msolga,

Thanks msolga. That's two for sending it to the wedding.

We'll be seeing Aunty this weekend so if I can find the time to get what I'm thinking of I could send it along then.

1 Reply

@boomerang,

I think you've got the right idea and some great instincts. Either way you chose, I'm sure it'd be fine.

As for what sort of gift, I would think along the lines of a special cookbook..or something domestic...but what do I know?

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@boomerang,

Sounding good.

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@boomerang,

I think, definately you are showing her that "yay, I'm excited for you". Even if it makes her slightly emotional in my opinion, that has to be for the right reason, like eweee... I would select carefully, like something special in a way, but one that she brings out when needed, not one she sees everyday on her counter Wink

Something that somehow reflect what you two were, if that's possible.

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@boomerang,

I think it would be appropriate to give a gift - not as large as if you were to attend the wedding; and maybe with a short note - thinking of you on this happy occassion.

And yes, I think your gut may be right - send a little after the wedding. Even if this wasn't the circumstance, it is appropriate to send a wedding gift any time within a year after a couple gets married so it wouldn't be out of place any way if the gift were to be received afterwards.

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@boomerang,

boomerang wrote:

I have something in mind that relates to our history from well before Mo.

I was thinking about this yesterday. Wondering who the gift should be from, and I came down to you. The gift should be from you.

And Linkat's right, there's sort of a one-year framework so there's no need to have it there before/at the wedding itself.

1 Reply

@boomerang,

If they're not doing tremendously well financially, I'd suggest you try to stay close to the registry requests.

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Should I send a gift? And if so, when?

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