Should I send a gift? And if so, when?

Odd man out:

I don’t think I’d send a gift. I might send a card...but I’m not sure I’d even do that, despite my best wishes. Thinking…probably not.

Do you think the card should be signed with only my name?

This is something that's been bugging me so thank you for bringing it up.

I think they're doing okay financially. They've both been steadily employed and I know she has a pretty good job and that his is stable and secure.

They're both in their 30s (I can't hardly believe she's 30 now) and they've been together for about 7 years. Their registry reflects that. It's small and practical -- more like "I've got to get around to replacing that" instead of "We really need this".

It's the kind of list an adult makes. Which is nice. It made me smile. But it broke my heart a little bit because I remember the young girl with the decadent dreams of of royal wedding. I remember her young teen self sitting on my sofa flipping through a fashion magazine and plotting out her big day. I remember her older teen self, pregnant with Mo and thinking about marrying Mo's dad even though she wasn't sure she really loved him.

Bittersweet if how I feel about it, I guess.

I miss her.

I feel homesick.

Anyway....

I'm thinking of buying her a picture frame. It kind of represents how and why we even came to meet and many of the hours we spent together. It's also a typical wedding gift, a semi-practical thing, something everyone can use. I know I can find a lovely one and I think she'll understand the message.

I have to say no and,please, think about what I'm saying.

You haven't been invited to the wedding, don't invite yourself.

You haven't spoken in six years, there are reasons why that is.

After the wedding, send a note, that you heard the good news, that you are sending your warmest wishes to both of them for a wonderful future.

but nothing more.

Joe(let things be.)Nation

I was trying to put those thoughts into words too.

yes

if there is a card, if there is a gift, it's from you

Thanks Joes (blow and Nation) and JPB for adding a different.

I think we're pretty evenly tied --

Don't send anything.
Send something to the wedding.
Send something later.

Confusing stuff.

I took Roger's question to be a shorter version of JoeNation's response.

I missed the gist,if that was what he was saying.

I have sent gifts to events that I wasn't invited to before -- say, when my friend's kids graduate or get married or have a baby. I've never felt like I was somehow inviting myself to the event. It was really just an acknowledgement of the event.

I have also received gifts to celebrate certain occasions from people who weren't invited to the event.

Other mom will know that I'm aware of the event because of Aunty.

I said 'send something' and didn't care when.
But, I see the point made by Joe and Joe and JPB.

Yeah, I get their point too. That's why I asked should I send a gift or not. I don't think there is really a right answer.

If this were a "my adopted child's biological mom is getting married should I send a gift" question my answer would be "no".

But the fact in this case is that she was my friend long before there was Mo. It was really like a mother/daughter type thing. Before I was Mo's mom I was the stand in for his grandmother. She was clear eyed about us adopting Mo. It is what she wanted.

I guess if I had to liken this to any real world (other than my own real world) situation it would read something like this:

My beloved ex-daughter in law is getting remarried. We've kept in touch through mutual friends but we haven't seen each other in several years. She was an important part of my life and I still care a great deal for her. I would like to wish her well by sending a small gift but I don't want to bring up any bad memories on her happy day. Should I send a gift to her wedding or not?

I think Dear Abby would tell me to send a gift.

Nope, she wouldn't, I am practically quoting Dear Abby when I say: Leave things be.

I think the fact that you have to ask the question: "Should I send a gift?" indicates that you know, because you haven't been included, that this woman is trying to create something of her own on her own.

It's not a disrespecting of you, it's a new beginning for her.

Joe(leave things be)Nation

I agree - it doesn't mean you want to go to the wedding or get an invite - especially if you are sending the gift after the wedding. You would know better than any of us though if the bride would take it that way or whether it was just a kind gift acknowledging a very special occassion.

I am kind of in Joe Nation's corner here, I would not send anything.
She hasn't contacted you in 6 years and she hasn't inquired about Mo either and she's no spring chicken any longer, so she should know better. You kind of had an "open" adoption and Mo knows that she is his bio mom. It would have been nice if she acknowledged him at least on his birthday and sent a gift.

Her actions are indicative that she doesn't want to have any involvement for whatever reason there are. She might be ashamed, afraid that it will hurt her, or for other reasons, but no doubt she cut off communication and I would let it be at that.

She could have sent you a little note saying that she's getting married, but she did not, so I would not interfere either.

Is there a right or a wrong? When you purely follow your heart

That's telegram material even if the envelope states, open next day.....

I got a glimpse of JoeN's answer and get it, but my instincts are to send it.

Among other things, I think if you don't it will be a decisive cut off and I doubt - whatever resentments are floating in space - that she wants that. Maybe she will rail against the gift, even robustly railing, but part of her won't.

Past the immediate do or don't -
if you do, the frame is symbolic, connection to you, and for her to fill in.

Thinking about it from her point of view, I think that sending a gift directly to her after minimal communication for six years may be sprinkling a bit of salt in some wounds that no longer sting as much because they've had time to scab over. Would direct communication from you open up those scabs again?

Yes, you were friends long before you adopted Mo, but adopting Mo changed that friendship, obviously because you now only communicate via the aunt.

What if she interprets the gift as an invitation to re-establish communication with you and/or Mo directly? Can Mo handle that again?

A way to have it both ways might be to include a P.S. in your next communication with the aunt that says something to the effect "I heard (Mo's bio mom) got married recently. Please pass our family's congratulations and well wishes on to her."

You've given me some things to think about.

I think that our adoption is like most open adoptions -- the information only flows one way -- from me to her. I do communicate with her directly a couple of times a year with notes and photos. She also gets regular updates form Aunty so she doesn't need to inquire about Mo. She also knows that I hear about what is going on with her life. Sometimes Aunty will say things like "B wanted me to tell you that she ran into ______ the other day" or "B was telling this funny story about you two where _________. She was wondering if you remembered that."

So there is communication between us and I have never cut off communication with her.

I'm beginning to agree with your instincts and, strangely enough, it is mostly because of the "don't do it" replies because they've really made me evaluate the nature of my friendship with her.

She didn't put her son up for adoption in the traditional sense at all. She wanted him here with us. She trusted us. Dare I say she loved us?

She didn't sign away her rights until she knew everything was in place for him to be here. We offered to help her in every way for her to keep him with her but she was young and she was pregnant again and her worst fear was that her family would somehow get their hands on him.

I don't think she stays away from fear or embarrassment or anything other than feeling secure in the decisions that she made for him. I don't think she wants to intrude on that. I don't think there are "old wounds".