Could working different shifts be causing a border line sexless marriage?

All right, well, there are no specific rules, yanno. This doesn't mean you should just be satisfied with something you don't want but, all I'm saying is, don't create an expectation or a rule where there doesn't have to be one.

From this and your other topic, I'd say your wife needs a vacation - really desperately.

We go on vac and it doesnt really help ? I started this 2nd topic because she actually mentioned sex last night and i didnt really even get excited about it ! We go so long in between and have some other things going on with communication ect.... You saw other post . And the quicky or nothing thing i am over it ! I said something to a good friend at work and he said it may be a distance forming between us due to me working nights and her days ??

Well, differing shifts suck. And anything other than the day shift can cause depression.

Why on earth would you look for a fwb in a childless (I assume) marriage? Deal with the issues in your marriage or pack it in. You're 30 years old! You have a life expectancy of 85 years. Are you planning on spending the next 55 years unhappy? Talk to your wife. Ask her if she's happy in your relationship. Doesn't sound to me like she's very happy. Two unhappy people can work TOGETHER to find happiness or they can move on with their lives in separate directions. I don't understand looking for a fwb outside the marriage when there's not much else going on within the marriage either.

To answer your specific question about different shifts... I, too, was once in a day/night opposite shift relationship. We left notes and messages for each other, but saved any arguing for when we were together. Ultimately, we argued whenever we were together. He changed from evenings to nights which gave us evenings together. It helped. We eventually married, but then ultimately divorced. I don't think the shift differences of our earlier times had much to do with the eventual split except, perhaps, the realization that there were things about each other that we really didn't care for.

You come home when your wife is getting ready to go to work & you're tired. She comes home when you're getting ready to go to work & she's tired.

Usually the first hour after returning from work is also the 'destressing' period of the day.

So right throughout the week, your schedules are butting against your need for intimacy and causing frustration. Isn't it likely that one or both of you feel like the situation is unfair? Humans have a great tendency to blame...is there blame for different shifts going on? And isn't it possible, that even if your partner tries to be understanding...another part of her may have that little voice going 'but if he truly loved and wanted you, he'd get a job that allowed us a sex life'?

We humans experience deep down the 'knowledge/feeling' that what is important to us - we make time & effort for. That understanding causes dissonance when put up against such drastically clashing shifts.

Ongoing frustrations that don't go away - tend to build up, with the same 'experience' that was only mildly irritating at first, because much more irritating as time goes on without resolution.

I agree except that I don't know what a fwb is. Not being sarcastic.

I see what your saying but my job has to stay to support our life no way around it ? And im sure she would agree on a money stand point . But i did ask her to find a night shift job to be on same shift as me and she said she didnt want to work nights and wouldnt consider it ? She seems to be ok with the way things are or at least used to it enough to not be willing to do much changing on her part ? I seem to be the one frustrated with it .

So, you'll go on with this for many years?

I'm odd in that I think love is a product of caring, and that is not happening for the two of you.

On the original question, the cause is not the shifts.

Osso - having worked in both day job industry & shift work industry - shift work is a huge contributing factor to many marriage break ups - especially when the two cross over. The more crossed over the shifts (and as the period of crossover lengthens), the more likely marriages are to fail.

This was my first search on it.

http://www.workingnights.com/blog/2009/11/16/shift-work-and-divorce-does-the-work-schedule-really-make-a-difference/

Red,

I have known a number of people who worked hard to support the twin life of them and their partner, and if doing so came at the cost (over a long period of time) of not being able to spend quality time together - the relationship almost always deteriorated and ended in separation

The same also is true for children. If a couple puts all their time & energy into the children, and none into making their relationship grow...after the children leave (and sometimes before), the relationship deteriorates, and often ends in separation.

That is to say - no matter what else goes on in life, you need to put time into your relationship. If your job leaves you unable to do that...the results are almost always predictable.

If your wife/partner won't accept less than what you are earning with shift work, and you can't earn more without it - you are stuck in a quandry (but then you would have to ask yourself questions about her love for you if she values your income (and her lifestyle) more than you and your relationship with her)

This last is only a suspicion I have (ie it may not be correct) based on the rest of your post, ie :

She doesn't want to do shift work, but is more than happy for you to do it. And you mention that your lifestyle would fall apart without it. Do you really care that much about your lifestyle, or is it only because she really cares about it?

What do you really value?

As I asked earlier - what you really value? Because (again, as mentioned earlier) what you truly value is what you will put your time & effort into.

No the post wasnt about shifts its about the problem , im thinking the shifts we work are part of the problem which was brought up early in thread . I want opinions of what people think i can do or why it happened but also if they think the fact that we dont spend alot of time together due to conflicting shifts if thats adding to our lack of communication and putting us in a situatuon where when we are around each other we still do our own things cause thats what we are used to doing ? If you google night shift work and marriage there is alot of data supporting large amounts of marriages ending in divorce or having similar problems due to the couple working opposite shifts ? I just wanted to get some real world answers on it as well .

You must have looked at shift work at same time i was explaining what i found since they posted at same time. Its not a matter of slight lifestyle change or minor decrease in income here . I work nights with a hour drive each way i currently make $28.00 per hour w/ time and a half and double time if i work OT, Plus my wife and i have 100% health care coverage that costs approx $10.00 per week ! If i left and found a day shift job that didnt require furthering education i would take a $14.00 per hour pay cut anywhere around my area and most likely worse ins as well !! For me to change shifts i would loose our home , our medical ins , and all extras we can now afford . Like i said its not an option and she refuses to find a job where shes on nights with me ?

Maybe you could live with fewer extras and she could work less. Not sure this solves the problem though as something seems to be up with wife, and that something will still be there. Does she have a BF? Is she all about her so she is unwilling to sacrifice for the marriage? Is she in her mind single but in a sham marriage to float her desired lifestyle??

I dont know, she is your wife, why cant you tell me?

redddddddddddddddddddd

You are heck bent on "she" should change her job to suit you, the times.

She had the same job before she met you and now it's full time.. Why should she change for you? To suit you, what happened to equality?

That and she was already doing her thing.

So now this makes sense, when you say poor me, and I work so many hours and she works 9 - 5.

You need to change to suit the norm.

No wonder things are the way they are.. You come home, she goes to work and so the story continues... You are ships passing in the night.

Stop trying to compete with her Mother and just find a happy medium or there won't be one.

Hi Red,

Yeah that makes things difficult. My point of posting was mostly to help you become aware of the consequences of not putting time & effort into your marriage...or being unable to put time & effort into your marriage (for whatever reason, but in this case - because of nightwork).

I'm not even telling you to leave your job - there may be other solutions that will crop up. The only real thing I am pointing out is that if things don't change (in some beneficial way), the chances of having a successful relationship diminish greatly.

In other words, you really need to consider all your options, be realistic about where your marriage is going with the current set of options, and talk with your wife about other possibilities that may improve your relationship & time & intimate life together.

The only reason i think she should switch jobs rather than me is i have the better job , it would be harder to replace, and even tho we need her income as well she could find another job that pays equal to or more than what she has now only on nights where as i would suffer a hugh pay cut to go to days ? But the ships passing in the night i do agree , I think we have a hard time comunicating or remembering each others needs because all week we kinda dont have to ?

fwb = Friends With Benefits. AKA, a **** buddy, generally one who allegedly doesn't expect anything more, like a commitment. It rarely works that way, even when both parties are single.