Happily married...BUT

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My husband and I have been married for a year and 4 months. We were good friends before we got married. He's a loving man and a good provider.

Before we started dating 2 years ago I was dating someone I was really in love with "Jay". We were pressured to break up (or rather I was pressured to break up with him) because I was Indian (grew up in the US) and he is white. I blamed it on our lack of communication and I didn't feel as if this guy was committed to me-as he was very career forcused at the time-interviewing for residency all over the country. He was devastated, and I basically jumped into a relationship with an Indian guy who I knew my parents would approve of about a month after Jay and I broke up.

I told Jay to stay out of my life. He accepted a residency position in another state. However, it's to no avail. We both feel this connection to each other and even when we're apart the bond just grows stronger. We text each other very infrequently, but I know he's still as in love with me as the day we first met. He begged me to not marry my husband before he moved away, but I felt like I was powerless to stop the "big fat Indian wedding".

It's been 3 years since Jay and I broke up, and 2 years since he moved away. He is now considering moving back-I know this because he texted me that he had been in town for interviews.

I have never physically cheated on my husband. But I know that my thoughts are not pure. My husband and I don't have kids. He is a great guy and a great friend but I'm not in love with him. He doesn't deserve any ill treatment from me. I did tell my husband about how I felt about Jay before we got married, but my husband did not want to delay the wedding.

I am a Christian and hate the idea of divorce, but absolutely don't want to start an affair and am so afraid that I might end up in one if Jay ever moves back. I don't know what to do.

My options are to either get a divorce and marry Jay. Or stay in my marriage and cut Jay out completely.

Is this a good reason to justify ending a marriage? I was pressured into marrying a good guy for the sake of my family and though my husband is a nice man, I am still sad. I am so dissapointed that I haven't gotten over how I feel about Jay. I've created quite the mess and my heart is just constricting every time I think of how much I am hurting my husband and how much I am missing Jay at the same time. I don't know if I can be happy either way...or if it's worth it to try?? Thoughts? Please dont be too harsh.

Also I'm a noob to these forums so I apologize if I'm not doing this correctly. Just feel it's safer for me to talk here than to anyone I know.

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Type: Question • Score: 8 • Views: 3,496 • Replies: 17

[+4] - Ceili - 05/22/2012Hi msApple. Wow.. I've never been in your shoes but I've had a few friends that were. I know that it's not easy sometimes being the first generation in a family stuck in the old world. I think...

@msApple,

Today is the 31st Anniversary of my being told:
"David, just lead your life and don 't call me anymore"
by the girl of my dreams. I complied with her wishes.
( My dreams were inaccurate. )

In retrospect, I 'm glad that I did.
I think I was better off. Sour grapes

David

1 Reply

@msApple,

Hi msApple.

Wow.. I've never been in your shoes but I've had a few friends that were. I know that it's not easy sometimes being the first generation in a family stuck in the old world. I think you really need to be on your own for a while, a 'trial separation', if you will. I think you owe your husband at least that, after all, he did do the honourable thing all the way around and none of this is his fault.
You need to stand up on your own, face the bad decisions and the family traditions head on. Forget Jay until you live, think, breathe, cry and laugh on your own, alone, not dependent on anyone, either man or your family.
I don't know how old you are, or if you've ever lived on your own, but somehow I doubt it. How can you know what you want until you know who you are?

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@Ceili,

Yes, Ceili said it well. You're in a tough situation, and I'm sorry you find yourself there. But jumping from the frying pan to the fire probably won't resolve anything.

With Jay hovering over everything it's possible that you've just never given your husband a real chance. Nobody can compete with an ideal, and it sounds like you've idealized Jay. You haven't spent enough time with him to know if he would be that much better as a husband.

So, if you feel like your marriage is not something you can continue, end it -- but not for Jay.

Meanwhile, good for you for keeping kids out of this picture, at least until it's resolved.

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@Ceili,

Ceili makes an excellent point, several actually, but the one I'm referring to is the being on your own.

I'd say at least a year of independence before making any further decisions. That means ~No Jay, no Husband~and you are going to have to deal with a lot of unhappy people.

good luck.
Joe(really)Nation

1 Reply

@Joe Nation,

Joe Nation wrote:

Ceili makes an excellent point, several actually, but the one I'm referring to is the being on your own.

I'd say at least a year of independence before making any further decisions.
That means ~No Jay, no Husband~and you are going to have to deal with a lot of unhappy people.

good luck.
Joe(really)Nation

Yeah, but let 's not ignore the fact
that during the interim, external factors can unexpectedly change.
Its a facet of human nature to mindlessly ASSUME
that the future will be a continual reflection of the past. Sometimes, its not.

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Quote:

Yeah, but let 's not ignore the fact
that during the interim, external factors can unexpectedly change.

Good.
Change is always good, not easy, good.
Maybe she'll meet someone, or ten someones, who beat the hell out of both Jay and her husband.
Who knows what will happen to her once she is free from the bonds of her (loving, caring, but old-fashioned) family?

Joe(to life!)Nation

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@Joe Nation,

Quote:

Yeah, but let 's not ignore the fact
that during the interim, external factors can unexpectedly change.

Joe Nation wrote:

Good.
Change is always good, not easy, good.
Maybe she'll meet someone, or ten someones, who beat the hell out of both Jay and her husband.
Who knows what will happen to her once she is free from the bonds of her (loving, caring, but old-fashioned) family?

Joe(to life!)Nation

I must disagree.
I can think of a lot of changes that were "not easy" and BAD; very, very bad.

For some real ez examples:
the change from the Czar of all the Russias to communist slavery;
the change from the Weimar Republic to the 3rd Reich;
the change from Ike's Administration to Kennedy.

Retroactively looking back in my own love life,
I wish that I 'd been guided by the wisdom that:
"he who hesitates is lost" and "a coward dies 1OOO deaths;
a brave man dies but 1."

David

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Thanks for the replies.

I'm a big girl now, 26, and yes I have lived on my own in college and been single in the past. In fact, I didn't even start dating really til I was in my early twenties.

I am not unhappy with my husband. As I said before, he's a very nice guy and doesn't have any sort of anger problem-treats me very well. He's a good friend. In the Indian culture, that's a pretty darn good deal.

As far as Jay goes-if I were single for a year I know I would not find someone better than him for me. As corny as it is to say it, if such a thing as soul mates exist, I believe we're it. It's not about a physical attraction. I'm sure more women would find my husband more attractive than Jay although I hate comparing them. They are both great people with great qualities that any woman would want, and they both have their flaws. Jay is definitely NOT perfect. But it IS about that "connection". I first met Jay when I was 22 and we talked/dated off and on for 3 years. When we broke up for the last time it was really due to a series of miscommunications and I was closed off to him. I've realized that by holding a grudge against Jay, I've just hurt myself and a ton of other people in the process, and there's not a day since that realization came to me that I haven't regretted my cowardice.

So although I understand why you guys think I might need a breathing period to be "between" guys, I must disagree. It's not about being independent or single-been there, done that. It was fun but it gets lonely, admittedly. But I'm older now, and I want a family with someone I really love. Sorry for turning this into my personal vent session. I can't expect everyone to understand because Jay certainly could not understand why I felt so paralyzed in introducing him to my family.

I am on a massive guilt trip right now. I feel as if the only reason I would break up my marriage is because I'm not in love with my husband-which is not a Biblical grounds for divorce.

As obviously I don't want to be unfaithful while I'm married and I know my husband would not be unfaithful to me I have this huge ethical/moral/life dilemma now. Also, yes I am waiting on having kids partly because of this dilemma.

Oddly enough, before marriage I was worried about my parents'/family reaction to me marrying a white guy. But now I don't care what they think, I just feel sad because I know this will hurt my husband a lot. He will survive, but this will suck. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

1 Reply

@msApple,

I think you should be honest with your husband and tell him that you were pressured into marriage to an Indian man and you did what your culture dictated and he certainly is the best husband any wife could wish for but it's not what you wanted. As hard as it is for him to understand, it would be much worse if you continue living with a lie. You don't have children, you're only married a bit over a year, your husband can find another woman who truly appreciates him and loves him for who he is. I am sure he will be very very disappointed, but honesty is the best approach here.

After you cleared the air and you have come to an understanding with your husband and you both are in agreement that a divorce is in order, then you can go on with your life and do as you wish, but not before you cleared things up with your husband. He deserves your honesty!

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@msApple,

Ok, I know everyone else will disagree with me, but I'm going to give you the opposite advice.

First, you say you don't love your husband, who you have been dating/married to for a couple of years, yet you know you love this other guy who you once knew but your only contact with for the last couple of years had been by very infrequent texts. How do you know you still love him?

Maybe if you stopped texting and thinking about what might have been with the other guy and put more work into your current relationship, you might just find that deep down you really do love your husband.

You say you are a Christian and you hate the idea of divorce. If I take you at your word, then why do you seem to want to throw away your marriage after so little time to chase someone else? I don't get it.

I agree with the others here who have basically said that you have to do what makes you happy. But until you really give the marriage a chance by breaking off all contact with this other guy then I think you are making a mistake. As long as you remain in contact with him you will never fully commit to your husband.

Just my two cents worth from a fellow Christian who hopes you think carefully and pray about the direction you should go.

1 Reply

@CoastalRat,

I appreciate all the takes on this. It helps round out my perspective.

CoastalRat- I understand what you're saying. I've been there too. The reason why Jay and I talk infrequently through text is because I basically cut him off after marriage. We have gone for months without communication. It was easy to do as he'd already moved to a different state. I felt I owed my husband that much. Despite that, I haven't fallen out of love with Jay. Distance has not made the heart forget as it has in the past with other boyfriends. I love my husband, as a friend. But after really being in love with someone I know the difference.

I don't know how to make it stop or to make it go away-as cliche as it sounds. It doesn't matter if Jay and I talk infrequently. We KNOW each other. It's not an infatuation. Trust me, I've tried any and all angles to convince myself (and him) that I shouldn't/can't be in love with him. Nothing has worked. No matter what we've both tried, (Jay and I) we can't forget each other. NO matter how angry we get with each other, nothing seems to work. There's no off switch.

My husband knew about this before marriage, but he chose to marry me anyway and asked me to give him a chance. I've realized that I can't make my heart stop wanting what it wants. I have a nice life, but I've found it's not enough. I'm angry as well, as my parents also pressured me into marrying an Indian guy (even before I met and married my husband) because they justified it with me being an obedient-Godly girl. That God would not want me dating outside my race. I don't believe that now, I know they manipulated me and that I should have seen through it.

I'm afraid of the fall out but I'm trying to figure out whether it's worth it to be true to myself, even if it's at the cost of hurting so many.

I'm not usually a sentimental person, but I can't stop vacillating on what to do. I think I will eventually have to share the truth and hope for the best. Thanks all, for listening to this.

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@msApple,

Cool. I have the same story

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@msApple,

msApple, you may be misunderstanding what I mean by an "ideal."

I don't mean that you're infatuated per se. I take it by your use of the word "dating" that your relationship with Jay did not involve living together, for example. It's much, much different to see someone at arranged times and when you're in the mood for it than to be with someone all of the time.

Your relationship with Jay also didn't seem to last long enough to exit the "chemical madness" stage of things.

So, it's an unfair fight. Your husband doesn't really stand a chance against the ideal of Jay. The problem is, Real Jay might not stand a chance against Ideal Jay, either.

I do think it's very unfortunate that your parents pressured you into a marriage with an Indian man. If you were writing to us for advice back then -- "I love Jay and we're happy together, but my parents want us to break up so I can marry an Indian man" -- I would have suggested that you defy them and stay with Jay.

However, a lot more has happened since then.

And I'm not sure your eyes are open enough to the possibility that if you divorce your husband to be with Jay, you'll end up without your husband OR Jay.

That's not a disastrous outcome, of course -- in India it might be, but here it's not that big of a deal really. My main point is that you seem to be weighing only two options -- your husband or Jay -- and I think you're not being realistic about that.

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@msApple,

The real root of the problem here is what needs the most attention - your self confidence, self-belief and conviction that you know what is best for you. As long as you're having your strings pulled by your (tradition bound) parents, then you'll never find happiness. Your parents aren't to blame.,..they are doing what they know best. You have to decide what is right for you - whether or not it's acceptable to your parents who are tradition-bound to the Indian culture. I see that you're raised in US in a blended culture and as such you need to make a choice that suits your life..not theirs.

Even in your OP title, you claimed to be happily married but clearly you aren't happy at all as you settled by taking the path of least resistance. Your poor hubby has been made a victim of by this indecision or non-from you. Make things right for everyone. Time trapped in a loveless marriage will not heal this or make it better.

BTW, I'm not suggesting that even if you're to get a divorce that marrying the other guy (Jay) is necessarily the right choice either. You might need to spend time out of ANY marriage and committed relationships to sort out your OWN feelings. If you can't commit to yourself and your own happiness, what good is your committment?

1 Reply

@Ragman,

You're exactly right. I did and still am settling for the path of least resistance and Jay has told me exactly what you just did before I got married. Everyone has become a victim by my paralysis to act and decide on the truth. Although it's also true it would have been very difficult for me to marry Jay, I should have done the right thing. My parents were operating on their strict traditional beliefs. I hate that I did this, and I don't use the word hate often.

I guess the title came from the fact that I really don't want my husband to be blamed for me not being happy. Our marriage isn't perfect, but we get along really well, mainly because he's a very forgiving and genuinely nice guy, and unfortunately easy to manipulate-which I try not to take advantage of. Most of the time, I feel like I'm protecting him. He has no idea that I'm thinking any of this at all. As I said before-he doesn't deserve any of this. I was just thinking today how the person who I would miss most in getting a divorce (besides his family as well as mine-as I know mine would disown me) would be him, as a friend.

I also understand what everyone is saying about me having an ideal of Jay in my mind. It's a possibility, but I think that's a minimal risk. We're both pretty aware of how we balance each other out and some things we'll need to work on.We're both headstrong and ambitious. Commitment takes work. But I truly love him, and I know he loves me, so we would make it work-if we had the opportunity. And no, it's not a chemical thing. Wish it were, then it should have faded a long time ago. I just don't think I can make this situation now right for everyone. If I make it right for me, I don't think it would make it right for everyone. I would never get a divorce just to sort out my commitment and self confidence issues either, though it sounds nice in theory-and I'm not trying to be sarcastic. Anyway, thanks for all the responses and insight, hopefully I will come to a right decision.

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@OmSigDAVID,

man, u are so strong. how can u do that.
thinking about leaving him is killing me. and i denied to do that.

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@msApple,

it depends on u, u wanna a "safe life" without love and passion, or u choose to make your own life worth.

will u regret the day u leave the world?

if no (with guilty to your great husband), try your best to fall in love with husband and push yourself to cut Jay out 100%. i know it'll be hard, but trust me, u can make it one of these days.

if yes, choose Jay. u are the only human being u need to care about if happy or not in your life time.

dont save others by killing yourself.

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Happily married...BUT

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