My husband is becoming increasingly suspicious

I am listening. I don't believe he had a sexual affair. I think it was all emotional. I had long talk with the other woman. She turned him down and I do believe that. She even told him that in the texts that i found to him from her. And I made sure her husband found out as well. And I threatened to go to their boss, if she didn't tell me what happened. What I don't want is for this to happen again. I do appreciate opinions on his actions. I'm not here for you to change my mind...just for me to know I wasn't overreacted on this.

Let see you know he at least try to cheat on you once and he is carrying condoms around with him.

So other then addressing the question of allowing him to cheat on you and carrying on the relationship anyway what are you looking for on this website?

I was just looking for confirmation that what I thought wasn't me just being over jealous. I do believe people can make mistakes. I have made my fair share. But I never said I would allow him to cheat. I made clear to him that whatever happened, I wouldn't stay if it happened again. But it is becoming increasing obvious that some people on here just want to dwell on the negative and point out what I'm doing wrong, instead of being a lil supportive and understanding.

the combination of you resisting believing that he cheated on you while going to great lengths to try to catch him cheating on you is way too much to stomach. Your story does not pass the smell test, and it is too bad that we dont know his side of the story so that we might figure out what is really going on here.

I will tell you what it looks like at first glance though....that you are trying to end to relationship while making it in your head all his fault, with you playing the part of the martyr. It should not take long to get this done from the sounds of it.

Look everyone here seems to had little question that he is an ongoing cheater from what you had told us.

We all could be wrong but I would cheerfully place big money on the table that your husband is an ongoing cheater.

You can hire a PI and or a decoy if you need one hundred percent proof.

Hawkeye I think you are being too harsh on her as even a male can know the truth and not wish to address it and or had mixed feelings on what actions is open to him in dealing with it.

You`ve posted that you had an affair (and asked him to leave) in the past.

Gotta say that based strictly on your posts, my sympathies are with him.

I wonder how you would feel if your husband told his friends that our last child wasn't his, just because he didn't want another child. Then he didn't speak to me the entire pregnancy, except in reference to our other children. He took jobs away from home most of the pregnancy. He was at the birth, in another room, then left within an hour of her birth. We didn't talk and continually put me down for the next three years. I was an emotional wreck. I was afraid to leave, because he is very forceful.

He took a job where he was gone most of the time and that is when I had the affair, which was after he came home and told me he was with another woman. I was very distant for the next couple of years, because my mom was dying from cancer and I took care of her. When I told him about the affair, I asked him to leave. It was totally his choice to come back to the marriage, because at that time I didn't want that man back! He went to counseling for over a year and took anger management.

After about two years we did get back what I felt we had lost many years ago, then this happened. You can feel sorry for him all you want...I pay lots of attention to him, do things with him that he enjoys and I take care of his children and house all alone and I work full time.

What woman that loves her husband, wants to believe that he had an affair. Contrary to what you say, I have not went to great length to try and catch him. These things have happened over the past three years. I accidently found the condoms both times. And he reads my texts all the time and when his went off, I checked his messages. I have never went out looking to find things on him! I'm not trying to end the marriage, just the opposite. I'm trying to find a way to get through this and stay married. I even told him that this was all my fault...thought i had done something wrong.

Hawkeye I think you are being too harsh on her as even a male can know the truth and not wish to address it and or had mixed feelings on what actions is open to him in dealing with it.

What does that mean???

It mean that you know what we all know before your first post that he is almost surely cheating on you and you are not ready to be honest with yourself and go on from there.

In fact I think you wished us to tell you otherwise that you are overreacting so you could buy some more time before facing the truth.

You are probably right...but can you blame me??

I am sorry lynnbar, but this is not what a happy marriage is supposed to be.
You both don't hold back in hurting each other and it seems there is very little compassion, love and affection for the other. I would have left such a marriage within the first year, why on earth someone would remain in such a miserable marriage is beyond my comprehension.

It seems, you know the answer to all of this very well and you still want to remain married. You can come here and whine and have your wounds licked, but your husband is spreading salt on your wounds on a daily basis. You must be pretty masochistic to take that crap.

No I do not blame you and that is what I told Hawkeye.

Still you need to look at the situation as calmly and as rationally as you possibly can.

Good luck.

Trying to keep a marriage and a family together is admirable, I give three cheers to anyone who does that in spite of the inevitable calls to cut and run. My problem here is that is looks very likely that our OP wants the marriage to end on her terms, she seems to be pushing for the end while not being honest about it. I have a very big problem with that.

What I need to see is her come to terms with the fact that he likely has cheated on her, and will likely in the future. Then I need to hear her say that she stays because she wants to. My wife was a victim of childhood sexual abuse, she has been abusive to me during our marriage of 25 years in what is very common secondary abuse. I stayed because I wanted to, no regrets and no excuses. We make our choices and we then live with them, and anyone who does not approve of what I do can go **** themselves so far as I am concerned. I would like to see some of this attitude from Lynnbar.

Time is the great revealer.

His behavior will show you how remorseful he is, or if he will continue his flirting and/or actual affairs.

Perhaps he even left the condoms out to provoke you, who knows? It's an immature act - he wanted to get caught.

In any case, there are flaws in this relationship, and trust is the big one.

Tell your husband you no longer trust him and if he chooses to act out again, you will leave.

In the meantime, talk to a lawyer about how you would survive financially if you were to separate or divorce. Staying married because of finances is just another "trap" this guy has you in.

lynn

You say "his kids" I assume he has been married before, or if not, the relationship then was strained, it ended and so you have his children and one of your own.

Perhaps he came into this marriage with baggage as well as the non-understanding of what constitutes a relationship, can you change either of those things in him even with councelling? I don't think so.

He's done it before, you were fed up and so you had an affair, that created him to deny the baby was his and cause emotional stress for 3 years, if not still.

Now, you feel he's done it, doing it again..

Can't you see the rollercoaster you are on?

Instead of fighting for your marriage by means of approaching not only another woman thought to be part of a situation but her husband and then threatening to tell their boss?

Threatening someone is not cool...and it's not going to stop your husband from cheating if that's what he wants to do.

Both of you sit down and tell each other why you cheated on each other, why you love each other, why you don't think you'll ever do it again....If you can't do that, there is no hope, you don't have a marraige, just a piece of paper.

It's funny, you say he cheated before, maybe you didn't have proof, maybe you did then... You tell him you did and he spends years avoiding his child, whereby a paternity test would clarify, could have clarified.

If he acted that way? In my opinion, he's never ever going to forget, never going to see you as a "wife to have and to hold till death do us part", as he is never going to trust you either..and he will have the thought in his mind of "care" not, she cheated on me.

Sorry, you must have inplied something different. All three of our children are ours. We have never been married before or have other children. My husband knew the child we his...i think he was just trying to hurt me. I didn't have the affair till three years after the child was born. And he loves all our children and is very good with them...esp. the youngest. I made a big mistake and he understands why I did it. We worked through that. And I know what I did and believe me it hurts me more than it could hurt anyone. That is not who I am...and at the time, I was not being me. I know that doesn't make sense, but to me it does.

And as far as the other woman goes, all it did was ask her what happened and she went off on me and fed me a bunch of lies...when I called her on the lies, she threatened to file harrassment and tell her boss what I was doing. Well, since she was the one that kept contacting me -50 to 60 emails. And all I did was send her two emails, then I told her she had nothing to stand on. She said she had done nothing wrong - which I knew was a lie. I told her to go ahead and tell her boss or I could, because I had copies of the texts she sent my husband. I told her I was sure her husband wouldn't see the texts as so innocent as well. I told her those things because I was tired of the lying. She was so upset, she called me crying.

I made my choice 20 plus years ago to be married. I plan on staying married if at all possible. There were times we stayed together for the children and times we stayed together because I was taking care of my parents. We all have had hard times in our lives...and I too have been through a hell of a lot. But I am committed to making this marriage work, because my mom told me one time...that if I could look ahead and couldn't see my life without him...then he was the right man. Now, that I am of sound mind (in the past I wasn't due to illness) ...I intend to do all to my ability to keep this marriage going.

My marriage is not miserable!! We have had some very good loving times and he had always supported me when I had to deal with my illness or my parents illnesses. Every marriage isn't perfect. And over twenty years together...people are going to have differences of opinions and problems. Hopefully these things bring you closer together. We have both grown up and understand each other more. I have been with him since I was 16 yrs old and he is the only man I will love and I know this and Im not willing to give that up just yet!!