My husband is becoming increasingly suspicious

@lynnbar,

Quote:

I think it was more an emotional connection to these women and he was trying to see if they would be attracted to him.

Not if there are condoms involved. You can choose to overlook his emotional and/or sexual cheating, just choose not to know and not worry about what he is doing.....but you cant change him only control yourself, and he is almost certainly cheating on you now or will. Your choices are

1) not care, ignore what he does with others

2) Be OK with what he does

3) threaten him and see if he will reform, and then be his policeman

4) leave

I think that does it so far as options go, you say you dont like 2 and 4, so is it going to be 1 or is it 3?? Number 3 will get exhausting fast, jsyt, and it may will drive him into anothers arms and lead to the end of the marriage, but plenty of people try it.

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@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

Quote:
I don't have option to leave at this time and I really don't want to
In that case your options are to overlook what your husband is doing or to be fine with it.

yup.

It really is that simple.

Actually I'd add one thing.

If you're not going to leave no matter what he's doing, stop poking around in his car/computer/phone/motel rooms. He's getting on with his life. Do yourself a favour and let him do it without snooping into his things. It'll just upset you.

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@hawkeye10,

I did threaten to leave him and told him he had to contact both woman and tell them to not contact him again and he wasn't to have any contact with them. I also am seeing a counselor and told him if he wanted to stay, then he had to see one as well. I told him I don't trust him and he has to gain that trust back. I told him I wasn't comfortable with him being friends and partying with coworkers (females). I made my feelings quiet clear. My main problem with it all is that he gave attention and compliments to other women and NEVER gives them to me. He is a very closed off person, doesn't share his feelings...very serious. That is why this upset me so much.

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@hawkeye10,

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention...he went to a bachelor party while on this business trip, which included these women being there. He and another guy gave this woman a ride to the party. He sent her a text to see if she was ready to go to the party. It said, "got condoms, ready to go?"

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@lynnbar,

Is he interested in staying with you?

1 Reply

@lynnbar,

lynnbar wrote:

I did threaten to leave him and told him he had to contact both woman and tell them to not contact him again and he wasn't to have any contact with them. I also am seeing a counselor and told him if he wanted to stay, then he had to see one as well. I told him I don't trust him and he has to gain that trust back. I told him I wasn't comfortable with him being friends and partying with coworkers (females). I made my feelings quiet clear. My main problem with it all is that he gave attention and compliments to other women and NEVER gives them to me. He is a very closed off person, doesn't share his feelings...very serious. That is why this upset me so much.

OK, so you made your choice....good luck, and you will need it.

What it is you want from us? Are we supposed to have a good cry together over the choices you have made in your life or what?? I am not clear what you want from me.

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@ehBeth,

Yes, he says he will do whatever to make this right. But he expects me to get over this quicker than I am.

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@hawkeye10,

I guess I'm wanting confirmation that what I was thinking about him cheating wasn't overreacting. He says I'm overly jealous to the point of being disturbed. I think I have the right to be upset. I just wanted someone else to say all those things he did...didn't sound right. I am trying to make this work, but I don't trust him and I will be watching for strange actions from him.

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@lynnbar,

Why are you torturing yourself? You already said that you won't leave him,
and you also believe his lies that aren't even good. It's obvious to everyone but yourself that your husband is cheating on you.

You don't want to believe it, so don't ! You don't want to leave him, so don't!
The call is yours, not ours! Snooping around and finding more than obvious
clues that he in fact is cheating on you, is kind of contra productive if you don't
act on it. Accept the fact he is cheating and give it a rest, if you don't want to leave!

1 Reply

@lynnbar,

lynnbar wrote:

I will be watching for strange actions from him.

leave it alone

stop snooping

accept that you're planning to stay with him regardless of what he does and STOP SNOOPING

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@CalamityJane,

Ok. Just wanted nonbiased opinion of if his actions meant he was cheating. I have not found PROOF that is why I am asking opinions. And I wasn't snooping...I accidently found the condoms. I answered his phone for him, that's how I found texts. I didn't realize it was a problem to just ask opinions...not tell me what to do!! Sorry to be such a bother!! lil compassion is hard to find!!

1 Reply

@lynnbar,

lynnbar,
You only get PROOF of your husband cheating when you catch him in the act and you most certainly won't.
All the clues you have found and he's given you, point towards him cheating, I certainly would believe so. You however have chosen to not believe it, that's something you have to come to terms with.
All we do here is give you our opinion - you asked for it, you got it! If you don't like it, too bad!

1 Reply

@lynnbar,

Quote:

What if the condoms are not his? The one in the motel...was same brand he has used before. The ones in his truck were in a travel case and were not his brand. The travel case had lots of things it it along with the condoms. If I knew the women he was texting and complimenting, I wouldn't be as worried. I've never met them nor has he ever mentioned their names before

.

Well it is very unlikely he is not cheating however if you wish to check there are firms that will placed a good looking and friendly female in front of him to see what will happen and that should be somewhat cheaper then hiring a PI to run a check on him when he is out of town.

Still the chance that he is not cheating is zero.

Last comment he had a brand of condoms and you guys had been married for twenty plus years?

That off hand seem odd as most long term married couples do no used condoms for birth control.

1 Reply

@BillRM,

Quote:

That off hand seem odd as most long term married couples do no used condoms for birth control.

The wife would know Bill....

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

Quote:

The wife would know Bill....

A wife would know what brand he prefer if they had not been using them for twenty years or so?

Condoms are only so so in the role of birth control and if you had a marriage without outside sexual partners their protection from STDs would not be needed.

It still seems somewhat odd that she stated she know the brand he had used or prefer to me.

Hawkeye my wife would not had a clue for example.

Footnote if my wife found condoms two times around me I would never had gotten away with insulting her intelligent by giving my wife the stories her husband had come up with.

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@BillRM,

Quote:

A wife would know what brand he prefer if they had not been using them for twenty years or so?

The wife would know if he needed condoms with her, and if not if he is even thinking about condoms then he is either ******* other women, or will be eventually. Almost no guy WANTS to use one, or has an itch to think about condoms unless he hopes to get lucky with some woman other than his wife. I can go with a guy playing around teasing women because all he wants is to be desired by other women, it is an exercise of stroking his ego, but if he is thinking about condom then with 100% certainty we know that he wants more than that.

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@lynnbar,

Does he tell you, you are beautiful and sexy?

Does he laugh with you, muck around, say let's go out tonight?

Do you talk to him about life, are you working or at home most of the time, do you have hobbies to talk about to him when he's home.

Do you tell him he's attractive, sexy, looks good.

Is the distance when he travels what, makes you now love him...

I am posting these questions to you because, you say you feel it is an "emotional affair, that he needs to see if he is attractive so he uses the words to see if someone else finds him that way.

Whether it's purely emotional or there has been physical, view the above because I always think, women don't realise that men have emotions as well, they need connection, conversation and to know that they are good looking, to you, sexy to you and wanted by you....

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What's the point of stating the obvious to you? Why did you even start a thread asking opinions if you're just going to be oblivious to the fact you're getting cheated on? You're getting f*cked around on, you can either suck it up and stay, or leave, but stop being in denial.

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@BillRM,

I know what brand of condoms, because we have used then in recent past. Believe me I know what brands he normally uses. We use them occasionally as form of foreplay...fun...thats all.

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@FOUND SOUL,

No he does not compliment me...very seldom. Couldn't tell you when the last time was before all this happened. He jokes around some. I compliment him all the time and he gets sex anytime he wants and anyway he wants - so i doubt sex is the problem.
No, I haven't always loved him. We seperated about 9 yrs ago. Our marriage was terrible and he treated me terrible and was very aggressive and angry all the time and put me down all the time. I had an affair and told him to leave. We had counseling...and he did anger management. After several months, he moved back in and we tried to rebuild the marriage - dating and such.
His job requires him to be away on details a lot. I was comfortable with him being gone because I thought we had worked out our problems.
My husband from day one, has not been the compassionate type or one to share his feelings. And I understood that, what pisses me off is I learn he can be compassionate he just chooses to not be that way with me.

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My husband is becoming increasingly suspicious

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