Whatis happening - 13 years of love, then BAM! Help?

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I am so torn apart right now, I don't know what hit me. My husband and I have been together 13 years, we are both 35. We have a 14 yo daughter. There has always been so much love between us, all our friends were envying us. Now all of a sudden, my husband informs me that he is having issues, and has been for a while. He says it's not one thing in particular, it's a bunch of small things. He says he is feeling detached, the other day said that not all the love was gone, but then he can no longer even tell me he loves me. Everytime we spoke on the phone, we kissed goodnight etc, we would tell each other "I love you". That was up until last week!! What happened! I am under such a shock you wouldn't believe. I have lost over 5 pounds in a matter of 3-4 days, my stomach is continually upside down.. the other night he said I'm so sorry for making you live this, he was crying, something I've rarely seen him do. He says he feels overwhelmed by a bunch of things, work, finances, our teenager, his parents (separated), etc etc. Why can't he say he loves me anymore? I had my own issues a few months ago, but then realized that while I was going through a questioning period, I soon realized I still loved him. Now he's telling me he's been feeling like this for a while, but there were no signs! I feel weak. I can't imagine my life without him - I love him so much, he is such a good man, so caring, etc. Is it possible to just stop loving someone just like that? Sad

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have you gently suggested to him that perhaps seeing a psychologist might help him to tackle his issues? it seems to me that his felt lack of love is a part of that, he might be going through the midlife crisis, quite natural for men at that age and it should pass. be very patient and help him through this and do not blame yourself, most likely it has nothing to do with you. cheer up and be there for him, he will most likely come around.

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Can you go into the thing with his parents a bit more? Was their separation recent? This has is a well-known unsettling (to say the least) effect on even adult children.

Sorry you're going through this!

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Even before suggesting counselling, I would urge him to see an internist, and have a thorough checkup. It sounds like he may be dealing with depression, but you need to rule out physical causes.

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Thanks guys. His parents separated 5 years ago, mine 7 years ago. His mom is still taking it hard. Lots of stresses lately. New jobs for him, new house 6 months ago, teenage troubles, financial hardship (we can't enjoy ourselves, never went on a trip together) etc. He actually said he thought he might be going through a depression. I wouldn't be surprised. But the fact that he can't tell me he loves me - can hard times and/or depression etc cause that? Is it possible he still loves me but is overwhelmed by everything else? Can someone find the love back when things go better? We have been doing a lot of talking, and he feels he can now "open up", and felt like he couldn't do that for a long time. Should I give him time and expect that his love will return, or is it usually a bad sign when someone can't tell you he loves you?

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certainly, rapunzelle. depression can do all that. you feel completely void and unable to love anyone, anything when depressed. try talking him into seeing someone, and get him to talk to you if you can, so that he can formulate his feelings precisely and start a healing process. love for you and for life will re-emerge as soon as he feels better.

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Thanks dagmaraka, and the others, for your kind words. I want things to work out. Oh and I forgot to mention he also lost his grandfather last week, just got back from the funeral. He really loved him. I guess that's a lot to take in. He told me he had really thought about leaving and taking an apartment, but then he said he chose to try and see if things can get better. But no matter what, I feel so shaken up, I simply can't accept that he no longer loves me, even just before Christmas we had a party, and one of his co-workers kept telling me how much my husband loved me, etc. When i mentioned that to him, I asked him why would he make this up? And he responded that he says a lot of good things about me. But This guy was telling me how much my husband was in love with me. I am so confused right now I feel like I'm living a nightmare. Like I said, we are talking now, hopefully that will help, but I don't know anymore..

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And what if it has nothing to do with depression? What if he really feels less love for me? Is that possible? Can this happen so quickly without a good reason after 13 years of solid love? If it's mid-life crisis, can he get over it? Like I said, I don't believe or maybe I should say "refuse" to believe that he could just stop loving me just like that - that is unthinkable to me.. what do you guys think? Am I just putting my head in the sand? Am I too hopeful or is there really hope? Man this is hard.

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That could go back to what dag said about depression, Rapunzelle. Your husband probably says a lot of nice things about you, that would be interpreted by anyone as meaning he loves you, but his lovingness in general could be impacted by depression.

It sounds like he is open to talking about this stuff rather than denying it, that's great. What do you think his response would be to going to see someone, himself? Has it come up?

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Yes he has mentioned it. He also mentioned couples therapy, but said he is a bit scared to go that route as he says often when couples go for therapy they find out it's often too late. I don't know how to react to all this. I love him so much.

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And we're seeing a counsellor to help with our daughter next week.

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Just saw your latest, Rapunzelle... I dunno, it sounds like there is a lot going on. I think that these things do happen, but they are not sudden. With the saying, "I love you" on the phone for example, it can become a habit... it can be said when it is strongly felt, then less strongly felt, and less, because it is a habit. Then at some point the habit is re-examined... "Do I really feel that way?"

I know this has got to be awful, but there sounds like there are some good signs though about possible solutions.

Good luck to both of you.

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Rapunzelle - One of the hallmarks of depression is called "anhedonia", or the inability to exprience pleasure.

There is a doctor wrote about the correlation of both positive and negative stressful life events, and the probability of a person becoming ill. He gave each life stressor (divorce, getting a new job, change in financial circumstances, etc.)a point valuation. The person added up all the stressors in his life (I think for a year), and then determined the probability of becoming ill.

http://www.ucs.umn.edu/lasc/handouts/socialreadjustment.html

Sounds like a lot is going on in your husband's life. You need to be strong but gentle with him, and the two of you will get through this!

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Rapunzel, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. But, I just don't think much of your husband's issues have anything at all to do with you. How your marriage repairs itself might depend on how you respond, however. I am just speaking from experience.

Your husband wants some space. If I were you I would just shore up my own confidence, you have a life too. Arise each day and do the best you can. Be kind, gentle, helpful. But, good grief, you are the strong one so don't let him destroy you. The two of you are talking, maybe counseling is possible. If not for him, you. I'm not sure we can take on some else's misery. He may have issues from way back that he could just dump on you.

Good luck.

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That's great about the counseling with your daughter. That will start something.

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nonono, it is not too late whe couples see a therapist. it is usually a good sign, that they both care and want to work things out. when you see the counseler for your daughter next week, can you make her aware of what your husband is going through? maybe she can direct him to professional help or talk to him one on one?

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Rapunzelle - Sounds like you already have some great advice. I'm just here to lend support. I'll keep listening....

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Thanks all. He's picking me up for lunch today (although I can't swallow a thing). We have agreed to some things yesterday to make things better, such as he feels trapped and feels he can't go out of the house without feeling like I resent it. Also says in parties he feels I'm "clinging" to him, and it makes him feel like he has to entertain me, and he can't enjoy himself as much. I told him I would make some efforts to try to find enjoyment without needing him for it. He seems to be willing to try and work it out - but the "not being able to say "I love you"" is bothering me tremendously. If love was not in question, then the rest I could deal with. But if there is no love, I'm afraid it can't be gained back. I don't know.

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I have to say, those above concerns of his are hardly major issues in and of themselves.

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Rapunzelle, if possible, don't fixate on that. It sounds like part of the issue he has is control -- that he feels that he doesn't have as much control over his life as he would like. (Can't go out without being resented, etc.) If you pressure him to say "I love you", I think that could feed into the very things that bother him.

Could, in fact, be a way for him to exercise control. Women withhold sex, men refuse to say, "I love you." Kiddin'. :-)

Anyway, Tex-star made a good point about how you REACT to this situation now being important. Vent here all you want, but if you make the "I love you" thing a sticking point, that may end badly.

Just think of it in terms of the words, not the feeling... his refusal to say the words, for whatever reason, does NOT mean he doesn't actually love you. And the co-workers comments are very encouraging, there.

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Whatis happening - 13 years of love, then BAM! Help?

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