Whatis happening - 13 years of love, then BAM! Help?

Thanks. I will do my best not to even say I love you myself, so that he does not feel awkward. I would love to be able to wait for him to tell me when he's ready - if he ever is. But it's so hard - it's like a drug to me. I need to feel and know that he loves me. If not, nothing else matters.

Littlek, I'm not sure I know what you mean by: " I have to say, those above concerns of his are hardly major issues in and of themselves."

I guess what I mean is that those things above are the manifestation of whatever it is that is truely troubling him. I think that sozobe explains what I meant to say very well in her most recent post. Ok, back to just listening for me.

Hi. Went out for lunch with my husband. We didn't talk about serious stuff, other than I asked him if he was going to make an appointment with a counselor, as he had mentioned he thought he might be going through a depression. He said he didn't know, and then he seemed to "clam up" or be lost in thoughts, so I didn't push it. He has considered it, it's now his decision whether he wants to go through with it or not. I have just read a very interesting site, offering drastically different advise, which might make a lot of sense, especially with a hubby who is already feeling trapped and overwhelmed. Will see if I can somewhat follow that advice. It kind of reflects some of the advice I received on this board, just kinda emphasizes it. I will definitely try to do my own stuff without making him feel like he's making me miserable. I will still act normal and kiss him goodnight and everything, but might hold back on the "I love you" thingie until I can hear him say it by himself without pressure. Does that make sense to any of you? Here it is fyi: http://www.stopyourdivorce.com/125.htm

Eek, Rapunzelle, I see part of the point, but any one-size fits all "cure" makes me nervous. It might work, or it might make your husband think you're just playing games with him.



Nnnnnooo....



NNOOOOOOo...





That's all IMO of course, though.

I agree with you that some statements might be a bit strong, but I'm not sure what is the best way to handle this. Like it says on the site, I don't want to pressure him or make him see me as needy. On the other hand, how do you stay strong and positive and cheerful when you're so much hurting inside!

Exactly. Being outright false is not going to help anything. Being forthright will. You can say just that:

"I understand you feel pressured, and I don't want to contribute to that. Of course I'm worried and anxious, but I understand that you need space, and will do my best to give it to you." Or whatever, in your own words.

By the way, I have a M.Ed, so I'm evidently just as qualified as he is. :-P (I don't like the strong odor of snake oil that emanates from that site.)

Rapunzelle you mentioned earlier that you had some issues yourself a few months ago. Was your husband aware of this? Could he have found out and felt that you were losing love for him?

In some situations, when one partner believes another to be having issues with a relationship, it could be the pointer for them to look at the relationship too and see what flaws lie there. With everything else that is going on in his life, he could be feeling unloved by you or even a bit shakey on how YOU are feeling. The depression is not easily lifted since he may not believe you if you tell him you love him. He does need some help and someone to talk to in order to get himself out of this funk.

Thanks Sozobe. I too agree that it was looking good until I saw the "download for 49.99". That usually take away some of the faith. I just soo desperately am seeking for help and answers and ways to cope, and what he said (or most of it), seemed to make so much sense - plus I was telling myself - what if he's right? What if this is what works? reverse psychology of some sort.. anyway. I still feel like this is a nightmare and I'm waiting to wake up.

Heeven sorry I just noticed your last post. Yes we had a talk back then. And at that point he told me that he wasn't ready to throw in the towel. He had also told me that it was shaking him up etc. Now when I mention this to him, I asked him then why was he shaken up when I brought up my own issues, he responded that was because he was having his own, and figured that if both of us were having issues, maybe this was the end. I take solace in thinking that this had bothered him, maybe it's positive maybe not, I dunno. When I asked him if now he was ready to throw in the towel, he simply responded "I don't think so". He now knows I love him, I have emphasized that. I have told him that this was just a questioning period for me, but that it had made me realize how much I really loved him. But then again I don't know how his mind works. He told me he started progressively feeling this way about a year ago.. that doesn't make sense to me, maybe it's true and I haven't seen a sign, maybe because he's overwhelmed it seems to him that it's been longer than it actually has been. Any thoughts on all this?

We had a talk last night. At one of our previous talks, I had told him that I felt I was "getting it", that if he needed to go out w. friends, that I would deal with it. Last night he asked me exactly what I meant by that, as he said, if you just "put up" with it, it's only a matter of time before we're back to square one, as you might again get fed up w. it and blow up. I explained to him (and meant it), that I had been doing some internal dialogue, and been seeking feedback online on this issue (previous post on husband feeling trapped), and that all of this had made me realize that I need to realize that we are our own persons, we don't own each other, and that as long as his outings are not "unreasonable" i.e. every night or to cruising bars etc, that I am now reprogramming my train of thoughts that it is OK - he is a very social guy, and I'm not. So he needs this time away from home to meet people, have a drink w. his friend, etc. I basically need to trust him, as he has never ever given me any reason not to. I also need to find things that are of interest to me and not needing him to "entertain" me. However I asked him point blank if this was really the issue or was he just looking for a way out. He thought about it for a few seconds and then responded that at the beginning (before we started dialoguing), he was actually looking for a way out, because he was anticipating a different response from me, that I was going to flip or something. However I surprised him I guess when I agreed with him that I needed to work on some of my issues. He also said that it might be because we are 35, but he is at a point where he was feeling like, if things don't get better, and we stay together, we're onlyl stretching time and he doesn't want the relationship to end when we're 45 or older when it's more difficult to rebuild your life. I think he got scared looking towards the future. I don't think that things are back to normal yet, cause he is still having issues, but (knock on wood), he seems to want things to work out too, otherwise he probably would have left or hinted that he was going to leave. Any thoughts?

sheesh, i don't know how others, but to me it still seems like a typical mid-life crisis. seems to hit men in their thirties. my man went through a very similar phase, we split for some 10 months. he looked around, traveled, saw other people and then came back. it was good for me too for i was too attached to him (being a foreigner in this country, not knowing many people, etc.) so i found my own world and learnt to be happy on my own. the relationship was much better after that.
that doesn't mean you have to split. but you do need to give him all that space, even if it bugs you. he is going to need it for a few weeks or months to sort his things out. if that is indeed what is going on with him, he probably has serious self-doubt, feelings he hasn't achieved as much as he could have, that life is slipping through his fingers, etc... when you do spend time together, on weekends or something, do something fun and exciting, of course not forcefully and at all costs. if he's up for it, it could help him regain his sense of fulfillment from little things. it still may be the best idea for him to see someone, it is much easier to sort things out when you have professional guidance. AND, again, it is not your fault, remeber that. even if he claims he feels smothered, don't blame yourself for hurting this relationship. he is probably looking for reasons himself and those outside of ourselves are always more appealing.

Dagmaraka, what you are saying makes a lot of sense. I sense he is feeling lost, he is a bit cold, detached etc. Like you said, he is likely questioning where he is at this point in his life, where he wants to go, is this what he wants etc. I had a similar period, but certainly not as strong as him. It is obvious he needs a breather. I think he realizes how huge a separation is, he was told by a friend who recently separated and who is now happy with his new love, that going through the separation was pure hell. My husband also reported that the situation between his friend and his wife was quite different, not at all like our situation, where it was almost inevitable that they separate as they were just not able to work things out, wife would sulk for weeks at a time, withhold sex, etc, which I don't do. I think he realizes that our relationship is not at the point where it was for his friend when his friend left. Anyway - yes. I think mid-life rings a bell to me too. I just don't know how to deal with it, not really knowing what it can do, how far it can go, etc. Your experience can certainly help. Any more tips would be welcomed. PS - what country are you from originally? Just curious - don't need to answer if you don't want to.

Husband just told me he is meeting with a Counsellor tomorrow night. That scares me a bit. What if he determines he needs a break from me or that the best way for him is to separate from me? Is that likely to happen? Anyone had a similar experience? Please keep helping me here - I'm certainly not out of the woods yet, I need some feedback please! I need help from someone neutral who can help me see things more clearly, help me cope..

Easy, Rapunzelle.

What your husband needs more than anything else is a safe place to sort out his thoughts. Meeting with a counselor is a good way to do that. Encourage him to go, and don't bug him about how it went. Give him some space. No pressure.

Meanwhile, might I suggest you treat yourself to a massage or a matinee movie with a girlfriend?

Hi Rapunzelle,

I think him seeing a counselor is only good, for a lot of reasons. For one, he can work through his depression (or whatever he is going through.) Two, I think that part of the specific problem is that he is in a "what-if" mode, and a counselor can help ground him in reality. Three, it means he wants to make something happen -- he hasn't given up.

Rapunzelle, you're doing a good job, being open and honest and proactive. Just keep doing what you're doing, here. Vent to us all you want. Although, again, we're no substitute for a real counselor -- you may feel more confident if you go that route yourself.

It sounds like Dagmaraka's situation does have some parallels, but it also sounds radically different in a lot of ways. My understanding (I may be wrong) is that they weren't married, and had no kids. Kids especially make a huge difference. I am generally not very tolerant of people who think it is necessary to go off and find themselves while they leave their partner hanging, but it seems to have worked out fine (even well) for Dag. I just want to be sure you don't feel that is the right thing to happen in your situation (which Dag said, too.)

I think the very most promising thing so far is he thought you would react in a certain way, and you didn't. That has two benefits -- the way you reacted itself (showing your ability to talk about things and make necessary changes) and the fact that his predictive powers are not good. So if he has been building up some doomsday scenario of what your future will be like, he could be (and probably is) wrong about that, too. That realization is an important one for him to make on his own or with the help of a counselor.

Thanks. You guys don't know how you're helping me here. I have friends, but I don't like talking about those things to my friends, I find them too personal, plus I get too emotional, etc. This is helping me a lot. Your tips are very helpful. Sorry for sounding so desperate, but I am. We have a 14 yo daughter, who for years every time we had an argument (way before there was talk about us separating), would ask us if we were going to separate, because she had such a fear of this happening, probably because of witnessing so many separations around her.. This would I believe destroy her. She is already having some teenager issues - tried drugs, sneaking out etc. I can't imagine the rebellion if we were to separate. Gosh this is a terrible situation to be in. But don't get me wrong, this is not hte only reason I fear separation. I love my husband dearly and want us to stay together.

I can imagine how you feel, Rapunzelle. When we separated, or even before,when it seemed like a possibility, I thought I can not possibly survive this, that the earth must just open under me and swallow me, the sun will just burst and the world will come to an end. Thus, I think the most important advice that has been brought up here quite a few times, is for you to become stronger on your own. Join a gym, go to the movies, take up some evening course in something you always wanted to do. Discover your other sides. I know, easy said, hard to do. When we were splitting, it was for good - I didn't expect we would ever get together again. The first few days that this hell started (the breakup took about a month to two of discussions) I didn't know what to do with myself. I was trimming hedges for 3 days in a row with hand-held trimming scissors until I had blisters everywhere. THen I got angry at myself and made a daily program for myself: get up, go jogging, read for two hours, go to school, grade exams, see Emily, ..... you get the idea. For each and every day, just to keep myself busy. I wrote an article, got it published, and after awhile I felt much stronger, even though the hell was still very much there. You don't seem to face that bad a situation, I believe you can save the marriage, but keeping busy might be a good option for you, to deliver what you so thoughtfully and kindly promised your husband. Think about what YOU want to achieve and focus on that. I would guess he will be impressed too when you will work on yourself. And you'll probably be happier and more content too.
Keep us updated, we all keep our fingers crossed for you.

Thanks Equalmar. when you say "talk about yourself to him", I think at this point he needs to focus on himself, and not on me, so I feel it might be better to let him do his stuff before I speak about myself, unless he brings up the discussion. I wish I could be strong inside, that would be wonderful, however I don't feel I have much control over how upset I am or how desperate I feel. I can't even eat! for Pete's sakes. I try to hide this from him, but it's very difficult. I still come to work everyday and try to function normally, but I feel physically sick as well as emotionally. Physical state is not so easy to hide as emotional state. I'm still "shocked" literally. I was abandoned by our daughter's biological father before I even gave birth to her. And while we hadn't been together long, never lived together, it had hurt very much. Now I've been living with this man for 13 years - the best years of my life! How do you get over that and how do you cope! He's my man, my love, my husband, I can't just get over it as if it was nothing - I feel like I'm living a nightmare it's as simple as that. Everytime I hang up on the phone with him, or say goodnight, and I don't hear those words "I love you" that I've been hearing for 13 years, it kills me! After our first discussions last week, he said I love you, and I said are you sure? And he responded, I never said all the love was gone. But now, for some reason he is not saying it anymore. I am just so confused, I don't know where this is going. I feel so lost.

Sorry Dag, I was writing my post to equalmar when you were writing one for me. But my response is similar. I see what you are saying, but how can you do all these things, when you are actually feeling "physically sick"?! I can't eat, therefore feel weak, tired, overwhelmed, etc. I never felt so bad in my life.