I'm VERY VERY VERY pissed at my brother & his wife!!!!!!!!!!

you guys are good for stuff like that....

For what it's worth, my husband and I came this close to eloping. Weddings are expensive, they are a ton of hassle (the more people, the more hassle) (not to mention the more expense), and once you invite a few it seems like you have to invite them all. How can you invite Grandma Ida and not great-aunt Florence? Etc.

We'd already been living together for several years, were poor, and a nice little courthouse ceremony seemed mighty tempting.

Part of why we didn't was envisioning the wrath of Onyxellian relatives. That said, our wedding was a blast, all the more so for the many strange juxtapositions.

We did it small too. The idea of a wedding, with alot of hoopla, made my head spin.

It really is very costly especially if you have a large family and tons of friends, so if you don't invite ever single one of them, some will be offended.

Weddings are big deals in some families. Not so big in others. Apparently they are a big deal in onyxelle's family.

I think her brother had every right to get married in whatever way he and his wife wanted...it's their marriage, after all. If the family is close, however, I do not understand why he didn't call his sister to let her know.

He feared the wrath of Onyxelle. Rightly.

I agree that context/ expectations are huge. From what Onyxelle has said, I really think it was obvious to him that he would get in trouble, and wanted to avoid that. Perhaps even didn't say anything ahead of time because he didn't want everyone to converge. This happened to my parents in a similar situation -- my mom was 6 months preggers with me when they got married, at a courthouse, sposed to be just them and witnesses, her sister got wind of it and the whole family drove 8 hours, homemade wedding cake balanced on someone's lap, to be there. My mom wasn't exactly happy at the time. (Though I think it's kinda sweet.)

I agree with Soz. I think Brother knew what the reactions would be and didn't want any conflict before he got married.

I'm with farmerman re the family feud thing. When I graduated from Law School, we had a graduation party. And, while there, I witnessed 2 relatives who argued that Relative A hadn't come to Relative B's child's wedding. Relative A then countered that Relative B had not gone to Relative A's son's Bar Mitzvah.

The graduation party was in 1986. The wedding was in 1980. The Bar Mitzvah in 1955 or so.

These grudges can last forever. One of my great-aunts went to her grave, still angry at a sister-in-law of hers for things the sister-in-law had done in the '40s. The sister-in-law, by the way, had died in the '70s. The grudge was foolish. It wasted time. It created animosity between the great-aunt and her niece and nephews. And for what? Who cares!

I'm not saying that your anger is wholly misplaced. It would have been nice to have been told, particularly before a couple of days had elapsed. That seems like an oversight and you've got the right to not be happy with it.

But please, clear the air now, before it's 2025 and your daughters are fighting with your niece (nephew?) about this wedding.

Sounds like she is...

for those of you who have 'big wedding syndrome' let me assure you that my wedding was SMALL. I NEVER EVER said he had to have a big wedding. I never said he had to have a wedding ceremony. I only said I was pissed and don't understand why he got married (in whatever way he chose) and did not tell my mom and i. I still say that had I not brought it up to him, i probably still would not know...but, as I'm calming down now, I'll refrain from speaking more.

however....
from his mouth his reasons were to
1. make it right with God-which I'm totally in agreement with and
2. he did not think he would be able to get everyone together to see him get married..thats a crock o'**** because he never even asked us.

I do not, once again, think it was that he did not want us there, I think he had influence in making an ef'ed up decision like the one he made. However, I'm going to let it go after this weekend's conversation.

AND....my mom was just at his home 3 days before......which is another log on the fire of her ire

I hear ya Ony. Deep breaths girl ;-)

Eek.

But didn't you say at the beginning that he called your mom "on his way back..."? I know that something I do all the time (which I probably shouldn't) is tell my M-I-L something with the expectation that she will tell all the sibs. Do you think your brother really thought she wouldn't tell you?

Anyway, good luck with that talk this weekend. I think it'll help a lot.

yes. of course she would have told me. but, its not her news to tell. it's his.

You should support and love him, and gently let him know that the way he went about it was hurtful. Be kind to him and his new bride, especially if they have a child.

After all, they'll be together for the next three or four years.

He can always do it right on his next marriage. :wink:

Right. I was just addressing the part about, "I still say that had I not brought it up to him, i probably still would not know."

I agree he should have told you, though.

See, this is the good part of venting, you get this stuff out of your system and then when you actually talk to him you can be all calm and cool and collected and proactive.

Again, late on the uptake, but I've had almost the same experience and can agree with you on a couple of things.

If my brother got married and didn't tell anyone (this almost happened) I would come down on him like a hammer. It's one thing to elope and not invite anyone (I've thought of doing this myself). It's quite another to elope and not tell anyone that you're married. The fact that your mother was there and he called her after she left just says that he's a coward. He's mature enough to have a kid, he's mature enough to get married, but he's not mature enough to tell his mother to her face? Sometimes I swear that brothers are made for beating up and nothing else.

As far as the girlfriend goes, well, I hated my brother's girlfriend, but knew that the decisions my brother made were his own. Either because he was weak or that's what he really felt, he made some decisions that were disrepectful to the family - and they laid on his shoulders alone.

It seems that whatever decisions your brother makes, he shuts the family out because he might actually feel 'accountable' for them. It is up to him to involve people in his child's life. I'm surprised he hasn't brought the child to see anyone, but that's his choice. Nevertheless, the way you feel is the way you feel - right, wrong or indifferent. Maybe a little screaming about "You're my brother and I love you and the door is always open. But if you keep your door locked, don't expect me to come knocking......and stop being such a weasely little punk." Or something to that effect.

I know you've already talked to him and it will blow over - best of luck in your relationship with your brother.

Good one.

Seeing as how you already have two brothers in prison, I wouldn't get too hyped up about kicking this one out of the family.

Sorry for my straightforwardness.