I love my brother, I really do...It was brought to my attn on 1/3/04 that he had gotten married (via eloping) on 1/1/04....He told my mom on his way back, and she called me and told me. I waited TWO WHOLE DAYS for himto call or email me and tell me - he never did. I STILL would not know he was married if I'd waited on the information from him. Okay..he was living with this chick (and had a daughter with her) and wanted to make it right in the eyes of God (Please, do NOT turn this into another theology thread...). That was his 'reason' along with not being able to get everyone together at one time to see him get married.... he only lives 8 hrs driving away. in GA, we all live in FL...
I'm sure you can imagine that our mother is extremely upset to not have seen her BABY get married. As am I. When I got married, it was one of the most important things for me, for him to be there (Soldier dressed up and all). I would have been more than disappointed had he not been there. He knows all of this.
He loves our mom, and it is my belief, based on the past 24 years of his life, that he would never do something like this to her. Ever since that he's been with that girl, he's been totally different - and not necessarilly in a positive manner. He won't come see my mom much anymore, because the girl doesnt like to ride that long in the car. The only reason he doesn't move back to Tampa is because the girl doesn't want to move away from HER mom. She's done some other really off base things as well...
I am so pissed off right now I could scream. She just sent me an instant msg on AIM and I could not say more than 2 things to her (3 syllables altogether) so I just ignored her.
Is there anyone with a situation similar to this? I have never met the girl in person and yet, based on things that she's done or influenced, I already CAN NOT STAND HER. Please help!!!!
WOW..
What a frigin mess!!!
Umm, yes you should be pissed off and wait till you meet her face to face before you say anything to her. But let her give you her side of the story first. This was not a smart way to bring someone new into the family!!!!!
Your poor mom!!! I have 3 boys and I hope they dont do this....if they do then I wouldn't want them to expect me to help them during their divorce....LOL
Good Luck onyx....sorry about everything...and mostly sorry you missed seeing your brother get married....that was extremely selfish of him
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sozobe
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Thu 15 Jan, 2004 06:48 pm
Yikes!!
I think the first thing to do is to try (I know I know) but TRY to reserve judgement until you have actually met her. It could be that your brother is for whatever reason blaming her when it's not her. E.G. forwarded me his 1,473rd email where he turns down an invitation to give a talk, "Because my wife would kill me," when all I had said was, "Up to you if you go or not." (It's more convenient for him to say that than, "Your institution is OK but I'm really busy and I'm not that interested in lecturing at an OK institution rather than a great one, or better yet, one that will offer me a job.") So a lot of people could get the impression from what he says that I'm a horrible controlling helpless witch, (NO COMMENTS PLEASE!), when it is just what is most convenient.
Sorry you missed the wedding, tho!
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farmerman
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Thu 15 Jan, 2004 06:57 pm
yeh, its really not about you.
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onyxelle
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Thu 15 Jan, 2004 06:59 pm
it doesn't have to be about me. it's about FAMILY.
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roger
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Thu 15 Jan, 2004 07:35 pm
Little brothers are notoriously self-centered. It seems possible he never considered that the family would want to be there, to say nothing of wanting to be notified in advance. And after the ceremony, he stood stock still and said something truely brilliant, like "Uh oh."
Now, I don't mean he decided you wouldn't be interested. It never crossed his mind that there was a decision to be made. It may not have been this way, but I wouldn't be really surprised if it were.
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Adrian
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Thu 15 Jan, 2004 07:40 pm
Get over it. He doesn't owe anybody a fancy wedding. If that's how he and his wife wanted to do it you just have to accept the fact.
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Diane
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Thu 15 Jan, 2004 07:55 pm
Onyxelle, what a little **** he was!
The only advice I can offer is to try your best, even if it makes you gag, to be very nice to his wife. If you do, he will finally begin to see his wife as she really is. If you don't, you will simply become a convenient scapegoat upon whom to blame everything.
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Misti26
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Thu 15 Jan, 2004 08:20 pm
What Diane said is priceless advice!
Yeah, I would be very hurt too, you have good reason.
Blood is thicker than water, so take heart, you will ALWAYS be in his life, I don't think the same will apply to her.
Good luck!
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littlek
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Thu 15 Jan, 2004 08:24 pm
I have to say that I can't make myself get in a huff with you Onyx. I guess that I feel that weddings should be more for the couple getting hitched than for the greater family. Now, if you told me that they called and told you what to get them for a wedding gift, I'd be all sorts of pissed off with you.
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littlek
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Thu 15 Jan, 2004 08:25 pm
Oh, and try as hard as you can to follow Diane's advice.
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ossobuco
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Thu 15 Jan, 2004 08:27 pm
I don't think it works, in the long run, for a mate/spouse to keep the other one away from family, by his or her actions.
As you describe how you and your mother feel, it is really sad. Maybe he thought you would try to talk him out of it? Has the family been negative about her to him?
Sozobe could be right, it could be him just blaming her. He could have changed, and not really care about his family sharing in the day. Or maybe the marriage was just a bit of paperwork, and they weren't thinking of the wedding as any kind of occasion. You need to talk with your brother about this sometime, but you might wait until you can do it without hollering.
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Acquiunk
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Thu 15 Jan, 2004 09:00 pm
I think ossobuco hit an important point. As you noted, he already has begun a family with this women, so the marriage may have been view as more a legal necessity than a rite of passage. Therefore a celebration was not considered and they might have thought it, given the circumstances, in poor taste. You might get his wifes side of things before you completely turn her out of your life. Also your family might consider trowing a party as a a way of officially making her part of the family. If she then still continues to ignor you and your family you have the right to be peveed. But it is possible that up to now she may have been feeling uncomfortable with your family given that she and you brother had a child but were not officially married.
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Diane
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Thu 15 Jan, 2004 09:10 pm
Excellent points, Acquiunk.
Has any of this helped Onyxelle?
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ehBeth
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Thu 15 Jan, 2004 09:11 pm
What's that old saying ... something like when your daughter marries you gain a son, when your son marries you lose a son.
Gotta look that up - but bottom line - it's how I've usually seen it - daughters stick with their mothers, and husbands go to their wife's family. Not a 100% rule - I definitely know some exceptions, but ...
He is off setting up his own family. It would be great if you could all find a way to appreciate each other. It would be a shame for something like this to disturb a family.
On the scale of important things in life, I don't think a wedding is really that important. It's not illness, it's not death, it's a social event.
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eoe
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Thu 15 Jan, 2004 10:24 pm
Onyxelle, I gotta tell you girlfriend. This does not sound like YOU at all. You're usually very cool and calm. Who is this snarling wild woman we're reading here now?
First and foremost, you need to chill. I know he's your brother and no woman will be good enough for him, ever, but this is the one he's chosen.
Somehow, yall need to come together. He needs to get himself and his family down to Tampa to visit your mother. Or invite your mom to visit them. That's first. He owes your mother that. I hope you're not saying that she has a grandchild that she's never seen?!
Then. you need to meet his wife. It's good to hear that you're in contact via email and you should continue that but it's time for the families to come together. Put all the other stuff behind you (what's done is done) and start from scratch. It's not easy but it really is the best thing to do. Holding grudges and staying funky will only continue to keep him away from the rest of you. This is his wife and the mother of his child. Extend the olive branch. Do what you can to welcome her into your family.
My brother married a woman none of us were crazy about. I had some issues with her, didn't think she was 'right' for him and that he would eventually see that marrying her was a mistake. That was twenty years ago. It hasn't always been peaches and cream between us all but she's been a very good wife to him (he's not the easiest man to live with!) and he's as happy as he can be and, when it's all said and done, that's really all that matters.
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Acquiunk
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Fri 16 Jan, 2004 12:19 am
You never can tell onyxelle. At age 19 my youngest brother right out of high school eloped with a women (girl) the rest of the family thought was a crude, loud mouthed, social/cultural disaster. Several of my sisters refused to talk to her, we all envisioned (hoped for?) a quick divorce to end this embarrassing situation. But she has stuck with my brother through thick and thin for 20 years. It was particularly thin while they were both in college (with 3 kids!) They have raised three wonderful children (one is an Eagle Scout) and she is now a valued if somewhat distinct member of the family. Don't prejudge others relationships. It may not be what you envisioned for them, but it is what works for them.
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Craven de Kere
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Fri 16 Jan, 2004 12:48 am
For what it's worth if I ever get married I'd not want to invite most of the people I care about. That's just my personal preference.
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Smiley
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Fri 16 Jan, 2004 01:44 am
Onyxelle, you have a right to be pissed. Family should include each other. So be pissed, and do it up right! Nobody can take away how you feel, and that's that.
If it's any consolation, you're not alone. When my brother had his first child, he never called to let me know. I found out two months later, when our parents left a message on my answering machine saying that they'd be out of town for a few weeks, to visit my brother and the new grand-daughter. What grand-daughter?!? He had a kid?
Honestly, I don't know how many kids my brother has these days. Three or four I would guess, but some people just keep to themselves, y'know? If your brother and family is willing to talk about anything at all with you, consider it a blessing. We live in "Modern Society" and some people are just too busy to talk.
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Phoenix32890
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Fri 16 Jan, 2004 05:46 am
Onyxelle- What I am observing on this thread is that different people have varying ideas about the importance of "family". Obviously, your idea does not mesh with your brothers'.
I think that your best bet is to cool out, and accept what your brother has done as HIS choice. Be open to your sister-in-law, and try not to become bitter about this.
Also, there is a tendency in these sorts of family issues, to blame the person who is not the blood relative for causing a situation. Remember, your brother is one third of that family, and certainly had a say in what was happening.
(It's more convenient for him to say that than, "Your institution is OK but I'm really busy and I'm not that interested in lecturing at an OK institution rather than a great one, or better yet, one that will offer me a job.") So a lot of people could get the impression from what he says that I'm a horrible controlling helpless witch, (NO COMMENTS PLEASE!), when it is just what is most convenient.
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