loads of excellent stuff hre, but i'm running out to work, will reply in a few hrs.
I get a totally different feeling from all the information youve posted. Instead of trying to be happy for your brother and attempting to adjust yourself to the new reality, i feel youre sucking whatever remaining love there is , right out of the room.
Given all the things you say are true, so what/ is it worth embarking on a family feud of interminable years/ naaah. youve gotta become the grownup, stop with the whining and try to embrace the entire family.
Ive been in family feuds with my first wife and my own family. The result was about 6 yeqars of complete estrangement and a dicey relationship with my own dad that lasted till the day he died.
No matter what "advice ' you get that supports your own ego, forget it. Nothing is worth busting up your family.
You have no inherent right of leadership of the lives of others. all you will do is further drive a wedge, and you will become the bad guy.
Im not giving advice here just a vision of how the next bunch of years could be with no contact with your brother and his wife. that would really help your mom.
I'm most interested in seeing the differences in opinion between the guys and the girls. I've got to go with Adrian mostly.
I think that farmerman has the right idea.
My grandfather did not talk to his sister for twenty five years, over some stupid situation. The sister got together again with my grandfather's family......at my grandfather's funeral!
Then the guilt sets in. "At the end of the day" all you have is family, cherish it, dont be instrumental in breaking it up.
by the way, I agree that your brothers being a jerk and all that. but, all that self righteous feeling isnt worth a cup of spit when youre all sitting there in your separate homes wishing you could break the ice and end a feud.
Its a bitch being the grownup, but someones gotta start.
Alright,
Here it is. I am pissed. I am not really looking for people to go in on my idea with me, I'm only venting. A2K's good for that I think. I am EXTREMELY pissed. I never said he had to have a big wedding, I am just terribly sad that he would not even tell us he was getting married and didn't want us to come. THAT, I would have been able to respect. No problem. Indeed, I have accepted the fact that he is married now. I simply haven't accepted the fact that I've accepted it. It makes me very very sad that I'm in this position, mostly because I've never really been mad at him. I guess I feel disregarded and like 'any old body off the street' who's feelings and bonds don't matter a whit. I don't think it's fair to treat family this way. I believe I will email him this post. Now, I'm examining my feelings and I'm going to go off and have a goof effin' cry before I go to court. Maybe after that I'll be alright. I really love my brother and this really cut me deeply. In short...It hurts.
By The Way, Farmerman....I don't consider myself a whiner (at all), but thanks for pointing that out. I'll have to check myself.
Er - I cannot find myself raising any ire re the wedding being quick and miniscule. I can see great upsetness if they had invited a bunch of folk, and not you guys - but, big weddings seem to me to be strictly a matter of taste and money and such. If I were ever to marry, I would likely sneak off - maybe have a party later.
The key issue seems to be feeling that your brother is changing and you guys are losing him. It is indeed hard when someone you love changes a lot in a relationship.
I think Diane's advice about remaining polite and friendly to the partner, despite everything, if you wish to retain a real bond with your brother, is excellent. Tough but excellent.
I cannot help but see the actual wedding as their business alone.
yes, but from your last post I see youre the grownup after all.
I'm sorry to hear that this has caused you so much pain Ony, but I honestly can't see what the big deal is and wonder why you'd take it so personally. Seeing that you've always had a good relationship with this brother, I am certain that he never intended any harm. A wedding is intened for the bride and groom and if this is what they wanted, I think you should be happy for them.
Just my opinion Ony.
This sounds like something I would do. I love my family, all of them, and share myself with them in my own way but I am very independent of them and would not give it a second thought if I met a guy, fell in love, ran off to get married and then later told my family.
Yes my parents would be upset, my sisters would just say "oh that's her!" but I would have to make it up to my mother by inviting my parents to meet him and celebrate or do a party for the event, but they would get over it pretty fast and devour this poor guy like he was theirs if he let them.
I guess I am selfish that way, in that I think of what makes me happy first and other people second. I don't always do things that are socially or familially accepted behaviors but that does not mean that I don't love or respect my family.
If you were my sister onyxelle and I were your brother, I wouldn't be able to understand why you are so upset with me. While it's nice for families to get together and celebrate such life-changing events, there can be so much hurt and bad feeling caused because of families talking bad about each other "so and so wasn't invited to the wedding, so I won't invite them to my babys baptism, and for Aunt Rubys 50th birthday, he/she left early so that's a diss and he/she's not invited to Thanksgiving this year!"
Yes you are pissed at him and feeling pissy towards her but this is they way it is. They did it their way. If they want to share events with family and friends, they will. Include them in invites. If they come, great. If they don't, great. We will never have anyone behave towards us as we wish or expect so don't expect everyone to do as you would do. Enjoy what you have and what others want to share with you. It's okay to tell your brother, in a joking manner, "Jeez, thanks for the invite or even the heads-up" and then put the ball in their court. Don't let that simmering lead to anything worse.
It seems to be between you and your brother, why not talk about it? you do love him after all, and he would surely listen if you call him and talk to him, calmly might i add - not accusing him and shouting at him, only letting him know that you felt hurt. the wife is now your sister in law, and it seems like she too is trying to establish a contact with you. that looks like a workable situation, no? it is up to you what you make of it for the future.
I agree with Heeven and some of the others. They did it the way they wanted to do it and not out of spite. It actually sounds like something I would do as well, although I think I would have told my mom what my plans were in advance. My mother wouldn't mind at all if I did this, but maybe I wouldn't tell her if I thought she did.
You're a good sister to care as much as you do. I understand being pissed tho. About a month ago I had to hear from my aunt in Texas that my brother in Chicago had been hit by a car. I can't say what shocked me the most. The fact that he'd been hit or the fact that he nor his wife called me. I had to hear it from an aunt living in another effing state! But after all these years, I don't expect him to change. I just called him up, balled his ass out about it, he apologized and that was it. I sent him a beautiful walking cane for Christmas.
Siblings can be like that, onyxelle. Doesn't mean that they don't love you.
ps. love effing. I'm stealing it.
I totally get about the venting, Onyxelle. Did you send that post to your bro? What was the reaction, if so?
Here's my version... I'm an only child, I have a cousin a few months younger who is an only child. We are very, very close, have always referred to each other as sisters. She got married last year, and it was impossible for me to go for several reasons. There was a lot of emotion there, a lot of teary talks.
Anyway, I get what you are saying about not necessarily wanting to be told you were right, just getting it off of your chest. Hope that the talking thing goes well.
This won't kill me. I'll live and get over it...but I'm going to have to have a talk w/ him so I can understand his reasoning. I'll call him this wknd i think.
use effin to your heart's desire.
Oh, see, there ya go. Hope the talk is a good one! Prepare to be annoyed, though -- you may well DISAGREE heartily with his reasoning. Deep breaths...
You sound much better now Ony and I'm glad you got that all off your chest here before talking to your brother. As Sozobe said "deep breaths". ;-)
Good luck trying to understand his reasoning. Brothers don't always see things the way we see them. It's a male/female thing more than anything else.
