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Why is Divorce preferable to adultery?

 
 
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Tue 7 Jun, 2011 09:35 am
I'd say the aftermath of a divorce can be extremely difficult for children - no research study here, just first hand experience with my daughter's friends.
When the kids are young and parents have joint custody, the adaption to new step parents, different household rules and sometimes cruel emotional blackmailing is more often than not a daily way of life for them. I even tried to intervene at times and spoke with the parents in question, as it breaks my heart to see these kids suffer.

A 16 year old friend of Jane just told her the other day that his parents
are divorcing and he's so depressed over it and has a hard time coping with
it. Fortunately, school is out next week and the distraction and distraught
over his parents divorce won't affect his school work for now, but he's a
single child and completely alone in this. His parents are so preoccupied
with their own emotional turmoil they have hardly time to think about their son.

Each case is seen individual of course, but what I have seen so far, divorce
is quite devastating for any child. Yes, kids are resilient and they will get
over it, but the emotional scars are plenty.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Tue 7 Jun, 2011 09:51 am
@shewolfnm,
shewolfnm wrote:
I always want her to feel confident in the ability she has to MAKE her life what she wants and this includes the shuffle in and out of people, whether it be friends or lovers.


the "shuffle in and out of people" can be pretty rough onkids

in the research I was just looking at, death of a parent is easier to deal with than parents' changing relationships post separation and/or divorce

I wouldn't want to suggest people not move on to other relationships post break-up, but man, that's something that needs to be treated with extreme caution (much more than I'd realized).
ehBeth
 
  1  
Tue 7 Jun, 2011 09:54 am
@CalamityJane,
CalamityJane wrote:
, the adaption to new step parents,


this is referenced quite a bit in the studies as being extremely difficult
for children

conflict in the marriage, separation, divorce ... it all has potential to be toxic for children
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Tue 7 Jun, 2011 12:13 pm
@ehBeth,
Well, as I said before, I've seen it with friends of my daughter and it never
ceases to amaze me how vicious spouses can get towards step children. It
is much worse when they bring kids into the second marriage too! Very few "Brady Bunch" families in today's world.
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Tue 7 Jun, 2011 12:32 pm
@CalamityJane,
Oh yeah. The step family drama is sad. I do not under stand the mentality around the people who really point hate at another child like that. The immaturity is astounding and unfortunately, the children have to suffer in it.
0 Replies
 
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Tue 7 Jun, 2011 12:37 pm
@ehBeth,
ehBeth wrote:


the "shuffle in and out of people" can be pretty rough onkids



I absolutely agree. I dont mean for my statement to come out as if many lovers living in someones house over several years is a healthy environment. ( I dont think it was taken that way anyway)

BUT-
friends, neighbors, work buddies AND lovers do come and go over someones life time. That is just a part of life. It does not need to be a really heavy brutal lesson for a child every single time, but I do think they need a way to work through it instead of being sheltered from all of it and being denied their right to speak up and be a part of things. An age appropriate part is possibly more helpful for a child in a divorce than most options.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Tue 7 Jun, 2011 01:17 pm
@shewolfnm,
shewolfnm wrote:
BUT-
friends, neighbors, work buddies AND lovers do come and go over someones life time. That is just a part of life. It does not need to be a really heavy brutal lesson for a child every single time, but I do think they need a way to work through it


After a few of the things I read today, my view on this is going to need some revamping. The idea that it would be easier to lose a parent to death than to have a step-parent or other new partner for a parent was honestly a shock to me.


In other words, I would have agreed with you about this yesterday. Now I don't know.
Mame
 
  2  
Tue 7 Jun, 2011 02:16 pm
@ehBeth,
ehBeth wrote:

The idea that it would be easier to lose a parent to death than to have a step-parent or other new partner for a parent was honestly a shock to me.



I don't know that I'd buy this; it is much too extreme a statement for me to swallow. My parents separated when I was 9 or 10 and my father's leaving (we didn't see him for the next 30 years) didn't have much of an impact on me at all. He wasn't around much and we all thought he was a bit of a con artist, anyway. When my mother hooked up with our step-father (several years later), we were either delighted or accepting. Nobody gave my dad a thought. We really liked Denis.

I think a lot of it depends on how things are handled and what the kids are exposed to.

My kids had to accept step-parents, too, and while there was some friction (from not being the centre of attention anymore and having to share their parent), I'm certain they'd rather put up with the problems than lose me or their dad.
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Tue 7 Jun, 2011 03:00 pm
@ehBeth,
ehBeth wrote:


In other words, I would have agreed with you about this yesterday. Now I don't know.


i absolutely understand...
0 Replies
 
Ionus
 
  0  
Tue 7 Jun, 2011 04:23 pm
@sozobe,
Quote:
Divorce can often be "no fault."
Divorce is always "fault" . It is called "no fault" by courts who cant sort it out so they take the easy out option .
0 Replies
 
Ionus
 
  -1  
Tue 7 Jun, 2011 04:27 pm
If someone was morbidly obese would you be discussing whether it is better to eat fries food at home or eat takeaways ? Those who are morbidly sex addicted seem to suffer no criticism at all... including a lack of support and help . Restraint is the only answer, it is just not fashionable in some circles .
0 Replies
 
Ionus
 
  -1  
Tue 7 Jun, 2011 04:30 pm
If you dont suceed, nature will kill you and all your children without batting an eye . If you want to **** everything, then society will race around and pick up the broken children for you . These people are breeding by putting more strain on the good families, where couples enjoy their sex lives, they just refuse to make up for a lack of quality with quantity .
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Tue 7 Jun, 2011 04:54 pm
@Mame,
Mame wrote:

I don't know that I'd buy this


You don't have to, but the research results are there to read if you're interested. There are links in at least one of the links I posted.

It's like anything in the world of psych studies - nothing is 100%, and everyone is going to have their own anecdotal evidence that means more to them than the science.
Mame
 
  1  
Tue 7 Jun, 2011 05:08 pm
@ehBeth,
Agreed. For me it's just too sweeping a statement.
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Tue 7 Jun, 2011 05:28 pm
@ehBeth,
Interesting stuff out there, isn't there?
ehBeth
 
  1  
Tue 7 Jun, 2011 05:34 pm
@dlowan,
Sort of horribly fascinating.

I was thinking about it on the way home. Kind of hard to figure out why anyone would have children. Waaaaaaaaaaaay too many ways to screw 'em up.
Mame
 
  1  
Tue 7 Jun, 2011 06:18 pm
@ehBeth,
Yeah, a lot of us parents have come to that conclusion!
patiodog
 
  2  
Tue 7 Jun, 2011 07:08 pm
@Mame,
Kids - best decision I never made.
Mame
 
  1  
Tue 7 Jun, 2011 08:13 pm
@patiodog,
Smart you!
0 Replies
 
Ionus
 
  1  
Wed 8 Jun, 2011 12:37 am
@ehBeth,
Quote:
The idea that it would be easier to lose a parent to death than to have a step-parent or other new partner for a parent was honestly a shock to me.
It is easier to lose a partner due to death than divorce... at least if they die you can grieve without being attacked by them....Zombie apocalypse being excepted . And you get all their money without going to court... and the kids....
 

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