Why is Divorce preferable to adultery?

The point of Monogamy is to have sex, create a child and raise the child. Because traditionally a baby needs a mother and a father to create it. Two people are expected to raise it. If the father is out banging other chicks he is not safeguarding his offspring, he is not properly providing what the child needs to grow and survive.

Now we are in the modern era where not as much attention and time needed to be spent teaching a child to hunt and survive. There is more opportunity away from the family unit to let eyes wander. At the core I feel adultery is selfish. There is no HELPING a marriage by cheating so long as you are not found out. There are too many variables. Too many WHAT IFS. It's not secure to the traditional view of monogamy. If the actions are found out its like a house of cards. Most women who think they are in a monogamous relationship will be VERY negatively affected by an affair, or sex outside of marriage. In mens situation they are largely de-emasculated by finding out their wife slept with another man. They will feel their manhood has been dealt a severe blow. These are often the occurrence when affairs conducted in secret with all expectation that their spouse would never know are actually found out.

My situation was much the same. My husband said he never thought i would find out. He was SOOOO CAREFUL.

You pooh pooh my statements before about over stating the effects on health in regards to adultery. I know five close, both family and friends that have contracted STD, from sex outside of the relationship they were in or their partner gave it to them from the mistress or other man. Many of the STD's were thankfully curable, but things like Herpes are not.

I know one baby that had to be delivered by C section because the father cheated while the mother was pregnant and they found out in the last screening before labor.

The effects on the body are not and should not be down played. It only serves to delude yourself and your rationalizations.

You argue that a marriage can be SAVED by an affair, PROVIDED that is goes and remains unknown by the other partner. So according to you the perceived happy fulfilled spouse lives in their deluded fantasy that their marriage is secure and honest is actually healthier for them? Just so long as the other person is getting THEIR needs met? Seems deluded and selfish to me.

I believe in divorce. Because i believe in openness and honesty. I believe in intimacy and a REAL relationship. even if its ending Divorce is at least more honest than lies and deceit. Divorce allows more intimacy that turning from ones spouse and giving your time and effort to a perfect stranger outside of marriage.

It all comes down to who you want to be in life. Not what you THINK you need. If you base your life on emotional needs you will never really be the person you want to be and be remembered as when you are gone. Its not a healthy legacy to leave in my opinion.

I go about my life trying to be a better person... Trying to know who i am and master myself. I am more Buddhist and spiritual than anything. I don't get my morality from the bible. I get it from what i want out of life. I want shared fidelity, I want shared honor, I want to receive truth and i want to give truth , and I want to give love and receive love from a worthy partner in life. I cannot fulfill what i want in this life with a dishonest partner.

My partner endeavors to fulfill that role, and it may come to pass that he cannot. In that case its time for divorce. All i ask is for honesty, and truth from him. But he can't cake eat. I will not sacrifice what i want out of this life for what he wants. Its his choice to decide what he wants out of his life as well. He has the freedom to leave. But in a marriage with me he does not have the freedom to compromise my health or mental health. Its a matter of respect. I would not do that to him. Reciprocity.....

that's definitely the part I have the most difficulty with

sex is sex. no biggie.

but lying/deceiving/hiding information - that's a complete deal-breaker for me

Many anthropologists say that humans are "serial monogamists" by nature. If left to our natural instincts (without being restricted by our society) we would form many intimate sexual bonds over our lifetime, but generally be faithful to our partner during the time we are with them. I suppose the modern pattern of -- marry, divorce, marry, divorce, marry, divorce works for serial monogamists. The only problem with that is that we have made divorce too emotionally costly.

Monogamy is not necessary to raise children. Many species, including humans and many of the social primates that are closest to us, practice polygamy, or various forms of serial monogamy... these species raise offspring just fine.

Yes, but Polygamy is widely accepted before the relationship is started. Polygamy implies a relationship of an intimate nature, Emotionally. We are already practicing polygamy in our family units. Mom and dad kids, that is affection and intimacy across emotional planes.

But when sexual polygamy happens its understood that its Acceptable in the adult relationship. No deception. i see no issue with that.

I also personally see the sense in polygamic marriages. It has its benefits. But all these other circumstance's are almost another situation entirely because it does not have the dishonesty and lies. Its not in the same league as monogamy.

i find Divorce is not a violation of my morals, or self. but many who are catholic might, or people that don't believe in divorce. They are just a different situation from my personal moral code.

However, i do believe Divorce negatively impacts a child, in some cases just as much as two people in a terrible marriage staying for the sake of a child. So many things to weigh when deciding to divorce or not to. I still debate divorce, I still debate having an affair of my own (On my more mentally weak days)

But i still want a healthy marriage, so at the moment i am focusing on making me Heathy... No other person is going to fix what is broken inside of me. Not my husband, not another man. I need to look inside and do the work. An affair does not have the answer.

In this discussion about whether divorce is a preferable option, am I the only person who has actually chosen divorce? Given that I am the only one here arguing that divorce is so costly that other things (including infidelity) might be preferable ...

... I would find that amusing.

YouThink,

I want to say that I am sorry for the situation you are in. I am considering this from a theoretical point of view based on a personal experience that has now been resolved emotionally for a while... nothing I say here is meant personally. And, I think you are far from dumb.

In my case, i would have preferred my husband had been honest that he was no longer committed to our monogamous relationship and had given me the option to discuss whether i would accept an open marriage or if i could not abide that. It would have protected the view of our relationship i thought we had. Even if we divorced it would have protected the state of our relationship.

What he chose was to nuke our marriage, but he did think about divorcing me while he was cheating. He was afraid he would be caught and thought divorcing me would protect my emotions. Not because he actually wanted to divorce. he just wanted what he wanted without hurting me.

Many days i think i need a divorce. Others i look to see him really trying to be the man he wants to be for me and his kids, but short term needs cloud minds... Commitment is practiced. Not innate, I think all decisions like Affairs, Divorce, monogamy polygamy are choices one needs to sit on for a long time before taking action. One needs to think through all paths and where the roads can lead.

I hope your divorce led to a place you are happy with.

Right now for me Divorce is not a good choice, neither is the marriage. I am no now longer committed fully, but all i can do is commit to today to try to overcome the situation and myself. but at some point a real decision needs to be reached.

I'm sorry to hijack this thread, but can someone please tell me how to start my own? I do not see anything pertaining to starting a thread when in the main forum. I just opened my account earlier today.
Thank you.

scroll down to the bottom of the page and click either Ask a Question or Start a Discussion

1. Go to your home screen. You can get there by clicking the "able?know" icon at the top left of your screen.

2. On that screen, you will see two tabs; "Ask A Question" and "Start a Discussion". Choose one.

3) Type a title for your thread in the "title" box. Type whatever you have to say in the box below that. And optionally type some tags in the bottom box.

4) Click the button under that to post (or you can preview).

Speaking from my pov yes I would rather have my spouse leave me than cheat. If they are cheating in my eyes they have already left. So lets go ahead and make it official.

Exactly! people want to always put the kids in it when it comes to a divorce. They want to highlight how the kids need both parents. Not realizing that if the parents are unhappy in their marriage they dont really have both parents anyway. I mean they have them physically but not emotionally. My soon to ex husband cheated on my over 6 times and i cheated once. on our 5 year anniversary he looked at me and told me he didnt care if it was our 5 year anniversary he doesnt celebrate them. I was broken and hurt. I decided I wanted out. So I'm getting out. Filed the papers and moving on with my life and I have two small children. I my opinion staying in a marriage that I'm not happy in is not helping my children but harming them. So yes I believe in "til death do us part" and I believe in all the other vows but we both made a promise to be the best spouse we could be to each other and that wasnt happening. I dont feel that divorcing is ''abandonment'' per se.

I guess I am old fashioned but if you feel the need to play away from home you should not be married.