The point of Monogamy is to have sex, create a child and raise the child. Because traditionally a baby needs a mother and a father to create it. Two people are expected to raise it. If the father is out banging other chicks he is not safeguarding his offspring, he is not properly providing what the child needs to grow and survive.
Now we are in the modern era where not as much attention and time needed to be spent teaching a child to hunt and survive. There is more opportunity away from the family unit to let eyes wander. At the core I feel adultery is selfish. There is no HELPING a marriage by cheating so long as you are not found out. There are too many variables. Too many WHAT IFS. It's not secure to the traditional view of monogamy. If the actions are found out its like a house of cards. Most women who think they are in a monogamous relationship will be VERY negatively affected by an affair, or sex outside of marriage. In mens situation they are largely de-emasculated by finding out their wife slept with another man. They will feel their manhood has been dealt a severe blow. These are often the occurrence when affairs conducted in secret with all expectation that their spouse would never know are actually found out.
My situation was much the same. My husband said he never thought i would find out. He was SOOOO CAREFUL.
You pooh pooh my statements before about over stating the effects on health in regards to adultery. I know five close, both family and friends that have contracted STD, from sex outside of the relationship they were in or their partner gave it to them from the mistress or other man. Many of the STD's were thankfully curable, but things like Herpes are not.
I know one baby that had to be delivered by C section because the father cheated while the mother was pregnant and they found out in the last screening before labor.
The effects on the body are not and should not be down played. It only serves to delude yourself and your rationalizations.
You argue that a marriage can be SAVED by an affair, PROVIDED that is goes and remains unknown by the other partner. So according to you the perceived happy fulfilled spouse lives in their deluded fantasy that their marriage is secure and honest is actually healthier for them? Just so long as the other person is getting THEIR needs met? Seems deluded and selfish to me.
I believe in divorce. Because i believe in openness and honesty. I believe in intimacy and a REAL relationship. even if its ending Divorce is at least more honest than lies and deceit. Divorce allows more intimacy that turning from ones spouse and giving your time and effort to a perfect stranger outside of marriage.
It all comes down to who you want to be in life. Not what you THINK you need. If you base your life on emotional needs you will never really be the person you want to be and be remembered as when you are gone. Its not a healthy legacy to leave in my opinion.
I go about my life trying to be a better person... Trying to know who i am and master myself. I am more Buddhist and spiritual than anything. I don't get my morality from the bible. I get it from what i want out of life. I want shared fidelity, I want shared honor, I want to receive truth and i want to give truth , and I want to give love and receive love from a worthy partner in life. I cannot fulfill what i want in this life with a dishonest partner.
My partner endeavors to fulfill that role, and it may come to pass that he cannot. In that case its time for divorce. All i ask is for honesty, and truth from him. But he can't cake eat. I will not sacrifice what i want out of this life for what he wants. Its his choice to decide what he wants out of his life as well. He has the freedom to leave. But in a marriage with me he does not have the freedom to compromise my health or mental health. Its a matter of respect. I would not do that to him. Reciprocity.....