Why is Divorce preferable to adultery?

@patiodog,

patiodog wrote:

I would like to offer what I hope is a new take on this question:

Divorce is preferable to adultery because, although adultery is a great deal of fun while it is occurring, divorce provides more lasting satisfaction.

SO true.... fabulous answer!!

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@CalamityJane,

CalamityJane wrote:

.
and sometimes cruel emotional blackmailing is more often than not a daily way of life for them.

people do not just become ok with using their child as an emotional pawn simply because they are divorcing. They were ok with that thought process before and were more than likely already doing to a certain extent that in the marriage.
Using your child as an emotional pawn is unacceptable behavior no matter the situation and people who are comfortable with that concept and act on that behavior should not be parents in the first place. I know that is harsh to say, but really... those people do NOT put their kids needs and emotions first, just their own. Children are not tokens to use against the spouse to validate or inflict more damage on the other. That is immature hateful behavior that is already ok in their minds before divorce happened.

I would never do that, I also NEVER had that done to me as a child. Even now, that is not an option to me. It was not taught to me, shown to me, nor was I made victim of it so I believe that is why i would never do it.

Parents who do that? more than likely are teaching their kids to do that. We do primarily what we are taught to do as kids.

( not saying that behaviors can not be UNlearned though..)

1 Reply

@shewolfnm,

You are right, shewolf, but reality tells a different story. Parents and step parents are quite resourceful in harming their children all the while thinking
they're having the kids best interest at heart. It's very unfortunate, but reality!

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@CalamityJane,

i know. I see it A LOT myself. It frankly disgusts me . I even had to deal with it from my in law side a bit..

just.. urrgh. I dont get it. I really really dont get it. Kids are not a commodity . But i do believe that the thought process and ability to treat kids like that is already in place before a divorce ( per person) it just may not have been as obvious or as vicious..

1 Reply

@shewolfnm,

shewolf, unfortunately you will see it a lot more when Bean gets older and more and more of her friends have to deal with divorced parents and the pitfalls of it. One of my daughter's friends will be staying with us for a week or so, since it has gotten so bad with a particular step mom. So, so sad!

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Finally, a wee measure of sanity.

Quote:

The most common reason for divorce is

Breaking up really is hard to do. In fact, some therapists view the experience of divorce as second only to the death of a child in terms of stressfulness and associated pain.
Not surprisingly, the dissolution of any romantic partnership is a worrying prospect for most couples. And while some may think that infidelity is the most common reason cited for divorce, one recent survey published in the Guardian (via jezebel.com) suggests that may be changing.
The survey of divorce lawyers in the UK, found that "growing apart" from one's partner overcame cheating as the number one reason why people ended their marriages. The lack of emotional chemistry or "falling out of love" with their partner was the reason people split 27 percent of the time, while cheating, which was formerly No. 1 came in at No. 2, accounting for 25 percent of divorces.
The other common reasons for divorce according to the survey: unreasonable behaviour (17 percent), mid-life crisis (10 percent), and money (five percent).
The survey has lead some to speculate that this shift reflects a change in how UK couples perceive grounds for divorce, with some arguing it reveals that spouses are reacting less aggressively to infidelity than in previous years.
Instead of ending a marriage over an affair, they may be more inclined to forgive and stay together. The Guardian quotes Louisa Plumb, head of the accounting firm that ran the survey, as saying: "We are seeing an increasing number of 'celebrities' putting up with alleged affairs in their marriage or relationship - with Abbey Clancy staying with Peter Crouch, and Cheryl Cole looking set to go back to Ashley. It may be that this is starting to have an effect on the behaviour of couples affected by extramarital affairs, with more marriages than before surviving a bout of infidelity."

http://ca.shine.yahoo.com/most-common-reason-divorce-040000055.html

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@maxdancona,

You make it complicated when in reality is very simple. We as humans search to develop our emotions and it is good to seal our passion with the bond of marriage. This bond is helpful when temptation lures in the horizon and its power is in relation to our self respect.
But, our natures develop as we grow older and the differences accentuate if we do not match according to our astrological signs. It is good to have divorce when we seeking emotional, sexual and spiritual fulfillment. It should be our mission to be as great as we can be, and that is only possible through happiness.
There is no need to adultery, this only happens when the mind is confused because the emotions are in turmoil. I say, “One love at the time”.

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@vincentsylvan,

Quote:

We as humans search to develop our emotions and it is good to seal our passion with the bond of marriage. This bond is helpful when temptation lures in the horizon and its power is in relation to our self respect.

Why do you think it is good to seal our passion?

How is a bond "helpful". Without the bond of marriage there is no temptation to violate it. If you don't make a vow of fidelity than infidelity is impossible.

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@vincentsylvan,

If two people "really" bond with each other and marry, there is no temptation as each are fullfilling each other's needs 100% in all directions, it's a thing called love...

I fail to see where astrological signs honestly fit in, it is written in the stars:)

Personalities is a better word, yet even there, opposites do attract but unless you have the same core values, beliefs, morals, there is no match.

I too say, divorce first - have sex and play if you want after... It's a nicer way to end a cycle, without the other person feeling in-adequate for one thing, it's also a better way to gain any rights, over what is what financially as there can be no accusations that proove true and, it allows both parties to know they just didn't work out, end of story, move on, instead of he/she cheated, was I good enough? Dis-allowing one person to move on emotionally.

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@vincentsylvan,

When adultery is happening I believe it IS one love at that time.
Otherwise why cheating if you love spouse?

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@maxdancona,

I think divorce is ok because its upfront & final where affairs are often sneaky & in the shadows. Divorce says your dealing with the issue, but infidelity implies you're running from it.

1 Reply

@maxdancona,

HPV is pretty damaging. Herpes, Babies born with complications from STD's because a HIGH percentage of cheater often DONT use condoms and HPV herpes etc can still be spread regardless of protection.

Lies, are pretty damaging. Money is often spent in BAD directions from dinners out, hotel rooms. VACATIONS for some long term affairs.

Financially its infidelity, Emotionally its infidelity ..... I have had three children. Open heart surgery, a Heart attack, a gallbladder attack...I have even had my nails ripped from their nail beds.... NONE of that hurt me anywhere close to the damage finding out the man i loved was cheating on me. Risking our children future for SELFISH perceived needs. Rationalizations on why he was allowed to cheat.

Affairs are always selfish and all about you and what YOU think you need. Its NEVER EVER EVER about what the other spouse needs. Divorce is at least a better alternative because you realize that you cannot fit YOUR spouses need for you to remain monogamous. See...its you t thinking about YOUR spouses need as well as your own. If you think money, and house security is thinking about your spouse that is you soothing and rationalizing that you are already doing enough. But you are not. Affairs are emotional abandonment.... You may be physically there sometimes, when you are not sticking it in another woman you believe you love.... but you really are not. Your spouse is home wondering why the two of you are not feeling connected.

AFFAIRS are sometimes mortally damaging. I have read and known people who have suffered heart attacks and strokes caused by stress from finding their spouse in an affair. Or after their husband gas lit them and drove them crazy with dishonesty.

Infidelity isn't something you just get over. Divorce IS.

1 Reply

@Youthinkimdumb,

You are greatly exaggerating the risks posted by adultery. Adultery is not that dangerous. Single people have sex with multiple partners. Yet, the pregnancy rate for single people is pretty low, as is the rate of STD's.

Smoking and fatty foods are far more dangerous to your health than infidelity.

Divorce is also sometimes mortally damaging. People have also had heart attacks or strokes caused by stress when they find out their spouse is leaving them.

The advantage of infidelity over divorces is that infidelity can be limited to one or two times over a short period of time. And, infidelity can be done in secret so that the other spouse never finds out (and is never hurt). And don't tell me that this never happens... it clearly happens quite often. Studies show that there are many cases where one partner cheats without the other partner ever finding out in a successful marriage.

Divorce always ends a marriage. Infidelity means that there is a chance that the marriage can continue. Given the fact that divorce is far more damaging to the children (as it inevitably affects their lives in a major way), I don't feel that it is always the clear best choice.

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@psychictiff,

Quote:

Divorce says your dealing with the issue, but infidelity implies you're running from it.

Divorce means you are quitting your marriage. Ending a marriage isn't a valid way to deal with issues in the marriage any more than ending your life is a valid way to deal with issues in your life.

Divorce is the ultimate way to run away from the issues in your marriage.

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@maxdancona,

Divorce is not dishonest.

Cheating is dishonest.

Let her find someone who may love her and not make a fool of her behind her back.

If "childrearing" is your major interest, do it without marriage. Parenting and marriage are two different things.

This ******* question made me unhappy.

1 Reply

@Lash,

1) I don't know why everyone is assuming that the cheated on spouse is a "her". In case anyone cares, this isn't about me. I chose divorce (and I never cheated).

2) Part of the problem with marriage is that it lasts unreasonably wrong. People change in 10 years (let alone 50 years). Many people are in love when they marry and intend to stay that way for the rest of their lives... only to find that lifelong love is an unnatural thing (especially in this day and age where we live so long).

You can tell someone at 25 that you shouldn't marry if they don't plan to stay together forever, and they can believe you. But after 10 years and a couple of kids, an awful lot changes.

3) Parenting and Marriage are intimately connected. Kids do suffer when their parents get divorced.. this is well documented. Staying with a spouse even after the love is gone for the sake of the kids is not an unreasonable thing.

4) Lifelong monogamy is unnatural. Any human who denies this is lying. The fact that we have cultural institution that pressures us into lifelong monogamy is a relic of earlier days. It doesn't work.

Many cultures that have the institution of marriage didn't pressure people into lifelong monogamy. Marriage provided economic stability and a stable environment to raise children, but having sexual partners on the side was tolerated. Even in modern countries from Spain, to Denmark to Thailand adultery is treated much less seriously than it is in the US.

Our unreasonable insistence on absolute monogamy is likely the fault of our Puritan heritage. If the society restricts each individual to one lifetime sexual partner, it goes a long way to reducing sex other than the amount needed for procreation.

5) I understand the point about honesty. This is a good point.

6) The point I am making is about lesser harm. If a working marriage can be saved, and children can be spared the pain of divorce (not to mention the economic cost of living separately and the legal cost of untangling possessions and finances)...

Shouldn't doing whatever is necessary to prevent a divorce at least be considered?

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@maxdancona,

Before I even read past #1, I was writing out both pronouns and felt like it was stupid, so I picked one. It was her.

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@maxdancona,

I've read about five of your complaints against long-term marriage, and I'm just pissed. Don't vow to stay with someone "til death do you part" if you have no intention of doing it.

Just shack up.

No, preserving a marriage is NOT the number one priority. Treating a human being decently is.

1 Reply

@Lash,

If my posts piss you off, you don't have to read them. These ideas are interesting to me. I like to explore them.

The is a reason that so many people say "till death do u a part" even though from the numbers this clearly isn't reasonable. It is a cultural norm. We pressure people into making a lifelong pledge of monogamy even though everyone knows that most of them will break it through divorce or infidelity or both.

Lifetime monogamy is not natural for humans. We aren't wired that way. It isn't surprising that society is ultimately failing in its attempt to dictate human sexuality this way.

I agree that people should stop saying "until death do us part" when they don't mean it. But I also think that or society should stop pressuring people into this unnatural commitment that most will fail to keep.

1 Reply

@maxdancona,

Likewise, if you don't like my responses to your posts, you don't have to read them. I guess we all have equal rights here. Unlike in the cheating, lying marriage you seem to advocate.

If someone knows at the outset that he doesn't intend to spend his life married to the woman he's telling he is going to stay with til death does them part - or, of course, visa versa gender-wise - he is lying a grievous lie to her - and should leave her free to find someone who means what he says - in this and other solemn vows.

Currently, American society doesn't apply the pressure you speak of. My last two relationships didn't involve marriage, and I felt no pressure to marry. We said what we meant and it worked fine.

Any "pressure" isn't from "society."

2 Replies

Why is Divorce preferable to adultery?

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