America's 20 Craziest Politicians
How do you feel about facts? Do you hate them? Are they super annoying, like science? Are you frightened of communists, Muslims, and vaginas? Good news! This month, America is inaugurating a new class of elected representatives, and while some of them are bright, able politicians, a few of them are seriously looney. And they'll be in good company
By STEPHEN SHERRILL
Illustrations by WARD SUTTON
January 2015
NOTE: These crazy politicians are NOT ranked in order of craziness. They all crazy in equal amounts.
Rep. Ted Yoho [R-Fla.]
Just how crazy?
Claimed he sees "one side of our government, or two-thirds of it, running one hundred miles an hour toward socialism" and that conservatives like him "are like Fred and Barney in the Flintstone-mobile, trying to stop that."
Actual thing he said:
Explained his opposition to a proposed tanning-bed tax thusly: "I had an Indian doctor in our office the other day, very dark skin and two non-dark-skinned people, and I asked..., 'Have you ever been to a tanning booth?' And he goes, 'No, no need.' So therefore [the tax] is a racist tax, and I thought I might need to go get to a sun-tanning booth twice so that I can come out and say...I got taxed because of the color of my skin."
Fun fact:
Is a large-animal veterinarian.
Think of him as:
Joseph McCarthy, if he could deliver a calf.
You're not legit crazy without an '80s-action-hero pal. Arpaio's is Steven Seagal.
Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Maricopa County, Ariz.
Just how crazy?
Has forced inmates to wear pink underwear; served them rotting food; housed them in a tent city, which he once described as a "concentration camp" and where inside temperatures have reached 145 degrees; allegedly denied Latina inmates sanitary products and forced them to sleep on sheets soiled with menstrual blood. Created an armed volunteer "posse" that has included Steven Seagal.
Actual thing he said:
"All these people that come over, they could come with disease. There's no control, no health checks or anything. They check fruits and vegetables—how come they don't check people? No one talks about that! They're all dirty."
Think of him as:
A combination of Lou Dobbs, Richie Incognito, and Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
Rep. Joe Barton [R-Tex.]
Just how crazy?
Claimed carbon dioxide "is not a pollutant" because "I am creating it as I talk to you. It's in your Coca-Cola, your Dr Pepper, your Perrier water." Apologized to then BP CEO Tony Hayward after the White House urged BP to create a Gulf-oil-spill relief fund, saying it was "a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown."
Fun fact:
Chairman emeritus of the House energy and commerce committee.
Actual thing he said:
Walking back on his BP remark: "If anything I said this morning has been misconstrued to the opposite effect, I want to apologize for that misconstrued misconstruction."
In his defense:
British petroleum companies deserve to be represented in Congress, too.
Think of him as:
Oil.
Rep. Glenn Grothman [R-Wis.]
Just how crazy?
Really hates Kwanzaa, claiming in a press release that "almost no black people today care about Kwanzaa—just white left-wingers who try to shove this down black people's throats in an effort to divide Americans." Also declared that giving state workers the day off on Martin Luther King Day "is an insult to all the other taxpayers" who want to contact government offices.
In his defense:
It does seem like all the stores are putting up their Kwanzaa decorations earlier and earlier every year.
Actual thing he said:
"Did people even know what homosexuality was in high school in 1975? I don't remember any discussion about that at the time."
Think of him as:
The '50s.
Sen. Rand Paul [R-Ky.]
Just how crazy?
Said the Obama administration going after BP because of the Gulf oil spill was "part of this sort of blame-game society, in the sense that it's always got to be someone's fault, instead of the fact that maybe sometimes accidents happen." Warned that unchecked illegal immigration would lead to a "borderless mass continent" that used a currency known among conspiracy theorists as the amero.
Actual thing he said:
"With regard to the idea of whether you have a right to health care, you have to realize what that implies. It's not an abstraction. I'm a physician. That means you have a right to come to my house and conscript me. It means you believe in slavery. It means that you're going to enslave not only me but the janitor at my hospital, the person who cleans my office, the assistants who work in my office, the nurses."
Fun fact:
After a beef with the American Board of Ophthalmology, he started his own board and certified himself.
In his defense:
His father is Ron Paul.
Artist's rendering of what happens to Grimm if you ask him a question he doesn't like.
Rep. Michael Grimm [R-N.Y.]
Actual thing he said:
"You ever do that to me again, I'll throw you off this ******* balcony.... I'll break you in half. Like a boy."
Fun fact:
He said it on-camera, in the atrium of a congressional building, immediately following President Obama's State of the Union address, to a reporter who had asked him about a federal investigation into his campaign-finance practices.
In his defense:
He represents Staten Island, so this incident was kind of like a free campaign ad. And sure enough, in November he was re-elected by thirteen points.
Rep. Michael Burgess [R-Tex.]
Actual thing he said:
"You watch a sonogram of a fifteen-week baby and they have movements that are purposeful. They stroke their face. If they're a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs. I mean, they feel pleasure. Why is it so hard to think they could feel pain?"
Fun fact:
Is an ob-gyn.
Think of him as:
A respected doctor, in 1820.
In his defense:
Many grown men reportedly enjoy masturbation.
State Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt [R-Colo.]
Just how crazy?
Has repeatedly bragged about performing a gay exorcism (he's a former Navy chaplain) to rid a woman of "the foul spirit of lesbianism," and also tried to perform a long-distance exorcism on President Obama because of something about the NSA. Believes that Obamacare "causes cancer" and that Obama's former FCC chairman was driven by the Devil to "molest and visually rape your children."
Actual thing he said:
"Father in Heaven, we pray against the domestic enemies of the Constitution, against this demon of tyranny who is using the White House occupant, and that demonic spirit is oppressing us."
Fun fact:
Calls himself Dr. Chaps, which is not the least bit creepy.
Rep. Jody Hice [R-Ga.]
Just how crazy?
Claimed that "four blood moons" falling on "major Jewish holidays" could be a sign of "world-changing, -shaking type events."
In his defense:
Blood moons are freaky.
ACTUAL THING HE WROTE:
Some ask the question 'How does same-sex "marriage' threaten your marriage?' The answer is similar to asking, 'How does a trashy neighborhood affect you?' "
Rep. Hank Johnson [D-Ga.]*
Just how crazy?
In a hearing about adding military personnel on Guam, said, "My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize."
Fun fact:
One of two Buddhists in Congress.
Think of him as:
A very fun science teacher.
In his defense:
It would be very expensive to raise Guam from the bottom of the ocean.
We're pretty sure Cruz would've been disappointed if he wasn't on this list, so: This one's for you, Ted!
Sen. Ted Cruz [R-Tex.]
Just how crazy?
Leans so far right that even fellow Republican John McCain classified him as a "wacko bird"; one of Cruz's supporters put the nickname on a hat, and he proudly displays it in his office.
Actual thing he said:
"Twenty years from now, if there is some obscure Trivial Pursuit question, I am confident I will be the answer."
Fun fact:
Unlike President Obama, was not born in the United States.
Think of him as:
Sarah Palin, if one of the five colleges she attended had been Princeton.
State Rep. Kelly Keisling [R-Tenn.]
Fun fact:
Is a man.
Just how crazy?
Sent out an e-mail to constituents, from an official government account, passing along a conspiracy theory that Obama officials planned a "staged assassination attempt on the life of President Obama that would be blamed on 'white supremacists' and subsequently used to enrage black and Hispanic communities, driving them to rioting all across the nation."
In his defense:
Everything in that e-mail was completely true.
Rep. Mark Walker [R-N.C.]
Actual thing he said:
He's worried Obama will refuse to leave office when his term is up: "I don't think that's out of the question. I think he's gotten pretty comfortable up there spending all of those billions of dollars on vacations for he and his family."
ALSO THIS:
"If you have foreigners who are sneaking in with drug cartels, to me that is a national threat. And if we gotta go laser or blitz somebody with a couple of fighter jets for a little while to make our point, I don't have a problem with that."
AND THIS:
"I would beg to differ that Islam is a religion of peace, because you can't have a religion of peace when you've got nearly a billion people choppin' off heads all over the country."
Rep. Virginia Foxx [R-N.C.]
Just how crazy?
Said she has "very little tolerance" for anyone with student loans. Claimed the idea that Matthew Shepard was killed because he was gay is "a hoax that continues to be used as an excuse for passing [hate-crime] bills"; later said " 'hoax' was a poor choice of words." Said she thinks the Sixteenth Amendment to the Constitution is unconstitutional.
IN HER DEFENSE:
The Supreme Court has yet to give a definitive ruling on the constitutionality of the Constitution.
Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee [D-Tex.]
Fun fact:
Was recently named the "meanest" member of the House by Washingtonian magazine because she allegedly berates her staff (called one "you stupid ************"), throws her cell phone, and requires them to perform inane tasks, such as bringing her garlic supplements at 2 A.M.
Just how crazy?
Believes that the Constitution is 400 years old and that Vietnam is still divided into North and South.
Actual thing she said:
Made clear that her support for Obama extends to self-immolation, if necessary: "We will circle the president on fire. We will be on fire for rightness and justice."
Iowa's Ernst learned her way around a hog as a child.
Maine's LePage is a childish hog.
Sen. Joni Ernst [R-Iowa]
Just how crazy?
Said Obama was "apathetic" despite previously claiming he had "become a dictator." She carries a gun—"a beautiful little Smith & Wesson nine-millimeter"—with her "virtually everywhere," just in case she needs to defend herself "from an intruder" or "from the government," of which she is now an elected member.
Fun fact:
Grew up castrating hogs on an Iowa farm; in her first campaign ad, complained that Washington is "full of big spenders" and urged voters to send her there so that she could "make 'em squeal."
Think of her as:
Michele Bachmann with a more sensible haircut.
Gohmert is dont-mess-with-Texas crazy; Paul is dog-eared-copy-of-Atlas Shrugged crazy.
Rep. Louie Gohmert [R-Tex.]
Just how crazy?
As a judge, ordered a man with HIV to get written consent from any future sexual partners. Claimed that if an oil pipeline in Alaska were shut down, it would diminish the caribou population because "when they want to go on a date, they invite each other to head over to the pipeline."
Actual thing he said:
Speaking against federal funds to protect endangered species, including some rare breeds of dogs and cats in China: "There's no assurance that if we did that, we wouldn't end up with moo goo dog pan or moo goo cat pan."
Rep. Steve King [R-Iowa]
Just how crazy?
Voted against federal penalties for attending animal fights, under the theory that since it's legal to watch humans fight, it would be wrong to forbid watching animals fight. Suggested the U.S. electrify the border fence, because "we do that with livestock all the time."
Actual thing he said:
"For every [undocumented immigrant] who's a valedictorian, there's another one hundred out there who weigh 130 pounds—and they've got calves the size of cantaloupes, because they're hauling seventy-five pounds of marijuana across the desert."
Governor Paul LePage [R-Me.]
Just how crazy?
Refused to attend Martin Luther King Day activities, saying the NAACP is a "special interest." Then added, "Tell 'em to kiss my butt." Said that a Democratic state leader "claims to be for the people, but he's the first one to give it to the people without providing Vaseline." Urged a repeal of Maine's ban on the plastics chemical component BPA, claiming it wasn't dangerous and saying, "Put it in the microwave and you heat it up, it gives off a chemical similar to estrogen. So the worst case is some women may have little beards."
Fun fact:
Was re-elected in 2014.
Think of him as:
If Don Rickles mated with poutine.
Vice President Joe Biden [D-America]
Just how crazy?
Crazy enough to run again for president!
STEPHEN SHERRILL is a writer based in New York City.
* Look! A Democrat! Yes, this list is Republican-heavy, and while that may seem like standard liberal-media bias, the reality is that Democrats just aren't keeping pace right now in the crazy department. But to even the score, here's an incomplete list of crazy Dems from yesteryear: Rod Blagojevich, David Duke, at least one or two of the Kennedys, Anthony Weiner/Carlos Danger, and Jim McGreevey.
http://www.gq.com/entertainment/celebrities/201501/craziest-politicians
