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My boyfriend & I just found out he has a 7 month old daughter from a 1 night stand when we split.

 
 
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 04:50 pm
As you can imagine, it came as a shock to both of us. We had plans of our own to get engaged, buy a house within the next 2 years and start our own family. We have been together for 8 years and split up for 2 months briefly in nov 2009 and he went out for his work christmas party, drank too much and had a one night stand. I am absolutely distraught because we constantly spoke about what we would name our children and how we would raise them.I am so distraught and devastated in fact I had to be sedated by my doctor and be signed of work for weeks. I have met his child, and it crushed me seeing him hold her knowning that she is not my daughter with him, but with someone who he doesnt even know. I do not know what to do because he is the love of my life. I just keep hoping someone will wake me up from this nightmare but as the days go on, I realise that its not going to happen and I just have to accept the situation. I feel sorry for the childs mother because she was with her boyfriend for 10+ years and this happened when they broke up briefly also. Everyones lives has been turned upside down by this and I really just need some advice. What would other people do if they were in my situation? My boyfriend is in complete shock as am I and my heart goes out to him because his main concern was how he broke my heart. I understand that this might sound selfish, but I feel like that the only victim in this is myself, the child and the other boyfriend (who i now believe is her ex). I cant stop crying, grieving for the life I feel we have now lost together. Sometimes, I feel like ending it all just so the pain goes away but then I snap out of it and realise that no one has died and that sometimes life throws these things at us as a way to test us. I was always a firm believer that everyone has their breaking point and that the human heart can only handle so much. I dont know if this is my breaking point, I dont know if theres anything worse out there that could happen to us in this relationship at the moment. My boyfriend is constantly reassuring me that I am the love of his life and that our plans can still go ahead and we can still have our own children. Im worried I will never be able to get over this and resent him for this even though it was not intentional and could happen to anyone.

Any thoughts or ideas would be mostly appreciated.

Thank you.
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Type: Question • Score: 8 • Views: 15,084 • Replies: 53

 
djjd62
 
  5  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 04:55 pm
get a paternity test, make sure the child is his would be my first advice
MonaLeeza
 
  3  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 05:05 pm
@HealMyHeart,
Quote:
My boyfriend is constantly reassuring me that I am the love of his life and that our plans can still go ahead and we can still have our own children.

So that's good. Wouldn't you still love him just as much if he already had a child when you first met him? It's a shock but its not the end of the world - just one of those unexpected turns that life takes - you've said that yourself . So its a matter of giving it time to get used to. To quote Doc Martin 'it's head lice woman, not leukaemia'.
Ceili
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 05:06 pm
@HealMyHeart,
Grow up. It's just another child to love.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 05:07 pm
@djjd62,
Yep, and of course you can go on with your life and have kids, etc. I mean, let's see -- if your boyfriend had been married before, and was divorced, would that taint him somehow? Or if he was widowed? Or just had previous relationships (which I suspect is already the case, yes?), would that somehow make him unworthy?

So why are your potential future children somehow now unworthy of being born because there's an older child?

Hey, stuff happens. The guy and you were split, yes? That means that he (and you, BTW) doesn't have to sit alone at home, crying and pining away. It means that, sometimes, people have sex. And sometimes that sex leads to kids. In this case, it did. Sorry, but that's the case.

Personally, I'd consider myself damned lucky to be with a guy who was that open and willing and accepting of his responsibilities (assuming the child is his) for his actions. This is actually, in many ways, a good thing, believe it or not.
boomerang
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 05:10 pm
What Ceili said.

It's a baby not a monster sent to destroy you.
0 Replies
 
plainoldme
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 06:15 pm
I would like to add another perspective. You have been together 8 years without an engagement, without moving in together. Is that right? How old are you now?

You "split" after 8 years? Why? Who did the splitting?
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  3  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 06:40 pm
@jespah,
What Jes said.

You weren't together at the time.

**** happens.
0 Replies
 
djjd62
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 06:44 pm
@MonaLeeza,
Doc Martin is such a smart man, but where oh where is season 5
hawkeye10
 
  2  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 06:46 pm
@HealMyHeart,
djjd62 is of course correct....dont worry about it all all right now, demand a paternity test, and only worry if the answer comes back that he is the father.
Butrflynet
 
  3  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 06:49 pm
@HealMyHeart,
After living most of my adult life with the painful physical and mental effects of vaginal herpes I got from my now ex-husband's affair with another women during our marriage, I'd happily trade that with knowing he'd fathered a child with another woman during a break in our relationship before our marriage. Hell, maybe I would have been wise enough to not ever marry the jack ass in the first place.

Count your blessings!
0 Replies
 
JTT
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 06:50 pm
@djjd62,
I thought that he made shoes.
shewolfnm
 
  5  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 06:52 pm
damn.
grow up? really?
thats really rude .

I can absolutely understand why this feels bad and how it is hard to chew on. Here comes another person into a life of theirs that...up to this point.. has been only involved them.
This isnt selfish to feel bad about it and it isnt selfish to need to cry and actually FEEL angry.

Having a baby with him was HER desire and HER experience to have WITH him.. not after someone else and up to THIS POINT.. she thought she COULD be the one that had his baby. Now there is a child, child support will come later, insurance, visitations... etc.
Do you all not get it? Their life just changed. The pattern and way of life they wanted just CHANGED and not because of something superficial like a car accident or a job change. This is a permanent change because of a person. I would feel a bit .... odd too.

Um... do you guys have to be so rude all the time?

She didnt say she hated the kid. She didnt say anything negative about the kid.... just that she feels bad because she now has a differnt life involving another PERSON... you cant ignore a person. Thats a pretty significant change in a short period of time.
and I can understand that. Finding a baby from your spouse IS a shock.
She goes through the emotions and moves on with it. So what? Where is the " oh grow up" attitude coming from? This is a major change. it FEELS bad. jesus yall.

Sorry. not all people have to accept a child from another marriage or arrangement. Not all people look at kids with rose colored glasses thining they should just ' love them all' . The first child was supposed to be HER experience and HER choice. Now.....it isnt. It is absolutely normal to feel let down and possibly 'ripped off' to a certain extent with out it being any reflection of how she feels about the child, how she will be involved in its life or how she will handle the relationship. Emotions are always all over the spectrum.. she is allowed to feel all of them.

Lighten up fer fucks sake

sheesh.
djjd62
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 06:57 pm
@JTT,
i believe that's marten

the one i refer to is a socially inept welsh surgeon who develops a blood phobia and returns to the small village he spent his summers in to be the GP, very entertaining brit tv show
0 Replies
 
farmerman
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 07:03 pm
@HealMyHeart,
Hey you werent marriede. How was he to know that youd get back together. Dont be hard in him. And by the way, get a DNA test done. Its all very easy today and a saliva swab PCR is rather cheap
0 Replies
 
BillRM
 
  0  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 08:28 pm
@hawkeye10,
Quote:
demand a paternity test, and only worry if the answer comes back that he is the father.


Damn right until there is a DNA test he is not the father until proven to be the father.

Do nothing until you get the results of the DNA test.
JTT
 
  2  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 08:39 pm
@BillRM,
If he's the father, he's the father, whether a DNA test s ever done or not.
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 08:40 pm
@JTT,
So we take the word of some woman he had a one night stand with that he is the father.

You are insane............

Until and if a DNA test is done if I were him I would assume that I am not the father.

No proof no fatherhood in such a sitution.
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 08:42 pm
@JTT,
JTT wrote:

If he's the father, he's the father, whether a DNA test s ever done or not.
on the mothers claim alone? For a one night stand? Not unless he is a chump.
0 Replies
 
JTT
 
  2  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 08:44 pm
@BillRM,
Both of you gentlemen missed the truism that was my statement.
 

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