"You're fat!"

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Those are words I hear alot in my house.....from my 8 year old to his brother and sister (younger then him, and far from "fat")! I keep telling him that it's not nice to call people fat. It can hurt their feelings for one, and two, it doesn't matter what people look like on the outside it matters how they act. Well, is that the right word? I'm sure you know what I mean! I don't know why he picked up that phrase but he says it daily. And more then half of my friends are on the heavier side, and so are several members of our family on both sides. A couple of his friends are a little heavier too. I am not sure what to do about him saying this all the time, besides telling him to stop. Any advice?

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@JessiHart,

I'm sure he's picked it up at school. Kids pick up all kinds of awful things at school.

My son, Mo, who is almost 10, gets teased a bit by his peers. I've taught him to respond to personal comments with "At least I'm not mean".

That seems to stop them in their tracks.

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@JessiHart,

It is worth asking him what kind of child he wants to be. If he has obtained a level of conscience, my mother always taught me from a young age, that what I say affects only how people will conceive me. If I say horrible things, people will say horrible things of me. If I am kind and loving, people will say kind and loving things of me.

By making me actively aware of how I wished to be perceived, she could then correct me by informing me of acts that would counter my intended course. She did not have to get angry or tell me off, she could make me ashamed of myself with but a few words. She also taught me how to make it up to someone, I was further rewarded with praise when I put it right with an apology or a peace offering etc.

It won't work with all children, but worked wonders with myself

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@JessiHart,

JessiHart wrote:

Those are words I hear alot in my house.....from my 8 year old to his brother and sister (younger then him, and far from "fat")! I keep telling him that it's not nice to call people fat. It can hurt their feelings for one, and two, it doesn't matter what people look like on the outside it matters how they act. Well, is that the right word? I'm sure you know what I mean! I don't know why he picked up that phrase but he says it daily. And more then half of my friends are on the heavier side, and so are several members of our family on both sides. A couple of his friends are a little heavier too. I am not sure what to do about him saying this all the time, besides telling him to stop. Any advice?

Its not nice to kick a little kid's ass from here to kingdom come, but if you don't do it at least once; all your: It's not nice, nonsense will never have an effect... The little monster is pushing you around, and don't get me wrong, -it is tough being a kid among cruel kids... But, kids make the worst sort ot tyrant imaginable, and worst of all; being that tyrant does not make them happy in the least, but only causes greater insecurity and anxiety for them... Do him a favor and show him you are the boss...

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@Fido,

Let's be clear here: are you just being flip or are you recommending physical punishment to remedy namecalling?

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@Ragman,

Kids are very clever in finding the sore points. If there are weight issues in the family, then he knows that to call someone "fat," it will cut deeply.

I am dealing with a 13 year old grandaughter who calls EVERYTHING "gay." That really bothers me. I have mentioned to her several times to not use that word, and can we think of another one to express her teenage angst.

'Whatever" is the reply I get.

Smack on the butt or washing out the mouth with a bar of soap should have been done a long time ago to this one, I believe.

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"You're fat!"
Crying or Very sad

i know, but it's glandular

i swear

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@PUNKEY,

... and because it bothers you, the attention for which the child is craving ... albeit a negative one ... is rewarded. So, you'll keep reinforcing the child's bad behavior with bad adult behavior.

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Actually, I ignore her provocative behavior.

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Seems to me explaining to him how "that's not nice" means nothing to him.

How about having him sit in a staight back chair in the middle of the kitchen for no less than 1 and a half hours, with a pad and pen. During that time, he must write as many synonyms for the word "unpleasant" as he can come up with, no no less than 100.

Before sitting down he must go to the bathroom, and he would not be allowed any food or liquids during his time. No sloutching, no conversation with anyone, nothing of entertainment around him, including pets. No origami or spit balls.

If, after 2 hours, he doesn't have at least 100 synonyms that don't repeat, he can just remain there until he finishes.

I'm sure he'll think of enough words to describe the unpleasant way he has to deal with this.

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@chai2,

oooh I love it, although the pad and the pen is too much of a distraction for a kid being punished. My mother dearest had me sit there and count the tiles on the wall.

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@Smileyrius,

thanks

actually, I got part of this idea from Mrs. O'Neil, a teacher (not even mine) when I was in grade school.

I guess our regular teacher was out one day, and we had a temp teacher. Mrs. O'Neil would check in from time to time, and was there when we all had to line up to go to the lunch room.

I'd never had any interaction with her before, but she obviously didn't like the way I was proceeding through the hall. She pulled me out of line and told me I had an attitude. She said "I want you to go home tonight and write as many synonyms for the word 'walk' as you can. I want you to right them in list form. You will hand that list in to me tomorrow morning."

I went home pissed off. Who was SHE to tell me what to do? She wasn't my teacher, and she didn't have any say so how I walked and what kind of attitude I had.

I sat down in the same pissed off mood, determined to just dash off a few words, and hand in that.

hmmm.... Dash....that was a another word for walk.

dash, ok
ummmm......march, yeah, I would march right up to her and shove that list at her.
meander, maybe that would better show her how little I thought about having to do this assignment. I'll show her I don't care, I'll just meander up to her.

If I didn't want to meander, maybe I would saunter...

I'll show her, I'm going to come up with some more.

I don't remember how many I came up with, but way less than halfway through all the synonyms I did come up with, I realized what she had done, and why.
When I did stride up to her, I gave her the list, and in a small voice said "thank you"

It's not about punishment, it's about directing them to be better than they are.

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@chai2,

well stated and the point I was making before.

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If you want to teach your kid that your a cold hearted ******* bitch, please follow the advice on this thread: beat your kid, isolate them for hours, or tell them they're awful people.

Way to go, A2K.

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@boomerang,

boomerang wrote:

If you want to teach your kid that your a cold hearted ******* bitch, please follow the advice on this thread: beat your kid, isolate them for hours, or tell them they're awful people.

Way to go, A2K.

Oh jesus christ boomerang. Get off your holier than thou horse.

putting a kid at a kitchen table for TWO ENTIRE HOURS is not isolating them. They are not being thrown into a closet where they have to knell on broken glass and stare at that some weird religious icon whose eyes follow you whenever you move.

You put them at a table, with an assignment, an unpleasant one. They are making life unpleasant for others, and people learn empathy by being in a similar state of mind.

Having them write words that mean unpleasant makes them think about what that word is, how it is making them feel, and how they have made others feel. In the end, they have an understanding that actions have consequences.

God forbid they not have the comfort of cheesy poofs, the family pet, a video game, or some one on one counseling via the latest findings from some abstract found on the internet or in the library.

Children (oh wait, I could not possibly know anything about that subject) are not as fragile and on the edge of pychological collapse every second of the day as you make out to be.

In fact, whacking a kid on their butt, the most padded part of their body, gets their attention and does not injure them. You whack, making a loud noise to get their attention, tell them to knock off their **** and teach them it was their actions that caused what just happened.
That's not holding lit cigarettes up to their eyeballs.

Not every misbehavior by a child, and the immediate dealing with it is tantemount to creating a repressed memory that will require years of treatment in the future.

I can see it now..

(sob), Doctor, (stifled cry), my parents made me....made me...I don't know if I can say it......(sob) They made me sit at the kitchen table and think about what I had done when I called my sister fat!

Doctor ...."THOSE BEASTS!"

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I'm accumulating decades since all this, but I remember sitting at the table forever, and I do mean two hours, until I ate my cooked carrots and drank my glass of milk, night after night.

I still only like cooked carrots and not that many, in soup, or in carrot cake. It turned out that I like them raw, and I like them, now that I discovered that, as pickled and spicy. I didn't start drinking milk until I bought some chocolate milk on my own, and when I learned that I could drink 2% without wanting to gag. Chocolate milk has led to perdition, of course, when I add booze to it.

I think all that - my sitting at the table, my mother stressed, father out of work, me as the brat teen - shattering what was left of our family as any way cohesive.

Chai, making a child sit at the table for a hundred words? You are kidding?

Some of us as children might have been engaged because of our particular brains, but that is nothing to instruct others to insist on.

I, like you, was not a parent, but I was in a parent's spot countless times.
I do remember a moment of rage at my disobedient niece; I think she was an elderly two, and I rose in self disgust. We talked. I don't remember that not working since that day, or not working enough. But then that was my niece, who just about always had a verbal engagement, since she was a tiny butterball. And I wasn't always around when she was ill or had family upheavals. The good news is that she can talk circles around me now.

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If this name calling in your house bothers you as much as you say and if you really do want to end it then end it....who is in charge of this house that you dont know what to do, the parents or the kids??

My normal approach is to give a warning statement or three and then start punishments, and once we start on the road of punishment for failure to conform to my standards they continue to escalate until the kid complies....I never lose this battle. This is actually not that common in my house as I have good kids and I give them as much freedom and responsibility as they can handle, but when I say something will be a certain way it damn well will be.

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@Ragman,

Ragman wrote:

Let's be clear here: are you just being flip or are you recommending physical punishment to remedy namecalling?

The kid is being hurtful to his own family and disobediant to his parent... He needs his ass beat because "It's not Nice" is not getting through his thick skull... All you usually need to do is let them know you are at least as crazy as they are stupid just once, and they will ever after try not to pull your chain... People learn in their families how to treat others outside of their family, and for those too self centered or stupid to learn how to treat people there is the court; and while a child is young they do the same as permissive parents and say: It's not nice; or you shouldn't do that, and etc... And all the while they are actually encouraging bad behavior by not dealing with it in a forthright manor...

For primitives it was easy... After you had seen enough enemies in your cook pot you could decide for yourself whose side you were on since you could not expect mercy from enemies... Now with law and the breakdown of community power, the line between family and not family is blurred, and those so inclined do not treat family any better than strangers, and they do not treat family any better than strangers treat them, because they do not learn they have honor, what honor is, and how it should be defended...

Instead, they are encouraged to take out their pain and anxiety on their own families which only further fractures the family... It may be that all a parent has any more is influence since true authority is vested in law... That is why a parent should drive the nail of fear deep into the young child's heart... Let them know that they can call 911, but they will wish they never had because their butt will be bloody red by the time they show it to the cops...

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@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

boomerang wrote:

If you want to teach your kid that your a cold hearted ******* bitch, please follow the advice on this thread: beat your kid, isolate them for hours, or tell them they're awful people.

Way to go, A2K.

Oh jesus christ boomerang. Get off your holier than thou horse....They are not being thrown into a closet where they have to knell on broken glass and stare at that some weird religious icon whose eyes follow you whenever you move.....You whack, making a loud noise to get their attention, tell them to knock off their **** and teach them it was their actions that caused what just happened. That's not holding lit cigarettes up to their eyeballs.....

Anybody who could think, let alone write such phrases is obviously stark, raving mad and a danger to others - and should certainly never be entrusted with the care of any children. Boomerang was being far too kind in her description.

Fido's ignorance of the law in his advice - teach kids to call 911, they'll have a "bloody ass" by the time the cops arrive - is almost as crazy. Under applicable law the next thing that will happen is the parents get thrown in jail and the kids shipped to Children's Protective Services.

Back to the original post: how many of the people called fat are actually fat? Why should the kid be taught to lie to begin with? If the little brother and sister aren't fat, why can't they say so - just laugh at the wrong description? Laughing is sure to stop these statements - if they're wrong.

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@boomerang,

boomerang wrote:

If you want to teach your kid that your a cold hearted ******* bitch, please follow the advice on this thread: beat your kid, isolate them for hours, or tell them they're awful people.

Way to go, A2K.

The parenting/relationship/personal advice area of A2k....."the scariest kingdom of them all."

1 Reply

"You're fat!"

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