"You're fat!"

@ossobuco,

(shrugs)
So adjust the number of words they have to write. The number 100 wasn't written in stone.
It doesn't have to be actually "sitting at the table"
It doesn't have to be precisely the exact scenerio I wrote at all.

It does have to be something that grabs the kids total attention, for a span of time right up to the limit of what they can endure giving their total attention to something.

That's right, I said endure.

It has to be something unpleasant for the kid.

In this particular case, the kid has been advised multiple times to stop, that it "isn't nice" (and we all must be nice at all times, mustn't we?) and words have been used explaining how his words hurt others.

The OP is frustrated enough to seek advice here, of all places. Her words have had no effect because they didn't capture the kids attention.

In other words, get his attention, make it unpleasant, so he learns it was his actions that brought about the unpleasant results, and that the ball is in his court as to if he wants this to continue.

One of the alternatives presented was apparantly that the people he's calling names need to fend for themselves, saying something back like "At least I'm not mean" even though they are still going to feel the hurt of being call that.

I guess in a perfect world, everyone he's calling fat, or whatever else this developes into, will just be fine with this "I'm rubber and you're glue...." solution. I guess all the people at school, or adults he's going to get around to saying this too, will just need to deal with their own feelings when an 8 year old says nasty stuff to them.
I opt for addressing the kid, and showing him the consequences of his actions in an environment where that has his full and undivided attention.

0 Replies

@dlowan,

dlowan wrote:

boomerang wrote:

If you want to teach your kid that your a cold hearted ******* bitch, please follow the advice on this thread: beat your kid, isolate them for hours, or tell them they're awful people.

Way to go, A2K.

The parenting/relationship/personal advice area of A2k....."the scariest kingdom of them all."

I'm honestly curious dlowan.

you feel my initial post, taken in context with what I just wrote above, is so horrible?

Educate us all. I don't mean that in a snippy way at all.

What would you do?

I mean, in general, in a case like this.

1 Reply

@JessiHart,

This one and "gay" are so tricky because on the one hand you want to convince kids not to use them as epithets, but on the other hand you don't want to send the message that being fat or gay is so terrible!

My daughter was called a "lesbian" once in spite, she shrugged it off because she doesn't think that's a bad thing. I had to really stop and think about that one. I did want her to understand that an erstwhile friend was being mean to her -- because I have no doubt that's how it was intended -- but ultimately shrugging it off was the best approach for her to take (it didn't happen again).

I do think you can take a two-pronged approach -- talking to your son about not bothering his siblings in that way, and talking to your younger kids about how to react if he does it. Probably the bigger reaction he gets, the more likely he is to do it. (This doesn't mean that it's their responsibility to stop the behavior, but if you involve them it can maybe help bring the whole thing to an end while you also deal with him separately.)

Do you have standard disciplinary measures that you use? Taking away privileges, that sort of thing? I think if once you've tried explaining and it doesn't work (I'd suspect hurting people's feelings is the point when he does it), then I do think the next level is some sort of consequence. I think it makes the most sense to use something that you've already used and that works, though.

0 Replies

@JessiHart,

JessiHart wrote:

....more then half of my friends are on the heavier side, and so are several members of our family on both sides. A couple of his friends are a little heavier too.....

Then that's a different problem than the younger kids, who aren't fat, being called that, because these other people can't just laugh it off as not true.You just have to educate your 8-year old, obesity is a health problem (see latest report from www.cancer.gov) >

Quote:

Study Shows Strong Link between Obesity and Mortality

The largest study of its kind has confirmed a strong association between overweight and obesity and an increased risk of death. The study also identified a range of body-mass index (BMI) at which mortality risk is lowest, confirming earlier studies indicating that people who are in the normal weight range have a significantly lower risk of dying from a host of causes compared with those who are overweight. The findings were published December 2 in the New England Journal of Medicine.

> and that making fun of people with a health problem isn't right. 8 is not too young to know the difference between right and wrong - so you shouldn't even have to explain to him that he, also, wouldn't like to be made fun of if he's sick or in pain.

0 Replies

@chai2,

I think your post is way less horrible than the ones recommending the kid be beaten....and I think you'll find that Boomer, too, was mainly commenting on suggestions other than yours.

One of the reasons I find this part of A2k so scary is the way people give advice that is very strong without knowing anything about the situation. That people give advice that would clearly be illegal and abusive is horrifying.

If I WERE to give strong advice to this poster I'd be wanting to know WAY more about the situation than anyone here does.

However, it sounds as though the poster has basically done nothing in the way of consequencing so far....and I think your suggestion is a pretty big leap to take from basically nothing, but it wasn't the post I was especially objecting to. It doesn't connect much with building empathy in the kid, either. I also agree with Soz that the siblings need help and support in not reinforcing the kid's behaviour accidentally.

But, the answer to your question is that I don't do a lot "in general"....if you're asking about what I'd do with a family I was working with....I do a great deal "in particular." That is, I find out a great deal about the particular folk I am dealing with, whether this is a simple issue of working out some effective strategies with the kids and parents, or whether there's a lot of other work needing to be done.

1 Reply

@dlowan,

Oh...also, speaking generally, reinforcing positive behaviour simply works WAY better than negative consequences.

Of course, there are times parents need to put absolute limits on and insist on them....but to use negative consequences alone simply doesn't generally work, and the more problematic the kid, the less it works.

So, I'd always be starting with figuring out with kids and parents some ways of encouraging positive interactions between the kids.....kids need a LOT of positive feedback, tiny rewards etc, if a negative behaviour is really ingrained.

I'd be asking parents to model respectful and kind behaviour for the kids. I often sit down with the kids and really analyse what is happening when the name-calling occurs...often you find there's not just one kid being a pain.

I also often don't find a consequence simply imposed from out of the blue especially helpful.....and usually talk with the kids about what they think might help...but generally hope to find a negative consequence that makes sense to the kids. Eg...."When you call your brother names, I think you are telling us you're not being able to manage playing with him right then. Maybe you need some cool down time, so you'll need to play on your own for a bit. Do you think that would help?"

(Now, a lot of the families I see can't do this sort of stuff and need intensive help just to take a tiny step...)

1 Reply

@dlowan,

YES, very good points. (Especially about reinforcing positive behavior.)

0 Replies

Lots of good points here already. We've had both "fat" and "gay" situations at school. I like boomer's response and think I'll try telling my kids to use it. All too often, however, they end up copying the behavior instead of putting a stop to it.

It's that old song lyric: "hurt people hurt people". Kids don't lash out just because they think it's a good thing to do. They are either emulating behavior that is working for someone else or are angry and don't know how to express it.

Smilyerius had some great ideas on the last page. I've used that tactic with my son and his backtalk, reminding him of how a sassing 10-year-old comes across to others as a spoiled and mean person, not as an intelligent mature child, which I think is what he was aiming for.

0 Replies

I do give my kids a crack on the ass every once in a while. And I have given him a crack on his for calling them fat. He did it again last night and this time I smacked him in the mouth. Told him one of these days someone is going to punch him in the mouth instead of smacking him. As for the sitting down and writing words? I dunno.....worth a shot I guess. He's very stubborn. We've tried the taking things away from him deal.....And his dad told our other 2 kids whenever he calls them fat to call him a stringbean (he's tall and skinny). He just laughs at them. And that's really not the way to go about it, really since it's just letting the other 2 know it's ok to call names too. I used to be really good friends with this one girl who weighed about 300 lbs. She was never able to lose weight. Medical problem or something. I told my son about her and told him that some people can't help the way they are. It's hard for people to lose weight, or find a way that helps them lose weight.

I'll sit down with him tonight and talk to him about it. I could use my personal experience with weight. Mine was/is oppisite tho. I can't gain weight if life depends on it! (Calista Flockhart skinny) Kids in school used to call me Ethiopian (sp?) and toothpick, bulemic, anorexic and things like that. I used to always wear long sleeve shirts cuz I didn't want to show my arms and I still never wear shorts! I'm healthy as a horse, just can't gain weight. Which sucks cuz I'd like a bigger ass! Smile

2 Replies

@JessiHart,

Let's be real: you don't REALLY want advice, do you?

2 Replies

@Ragman,

i'd like an Advil if you got one

1 Reply

@djjd62,

"I feel your pain"

0 Replies

@Ragman,

Why would you say that?

1 Reply

@JessiHart,

Because you've been given some great advice for alternate ways to handle it here already in the last day and made this choice of punishment:
"He did it again last night and this time I smacked him in the mouth. "
No wonder he acts stubborn. Smack a kid in the mouth and all it'll do is create an atmosphere of fear, resentment and stubborness. Violence begets more violence.

Clearly an alternative to using violence and physcial punishment was offered. How's that smacking worked out so far? It seems to me you think that works better? So why look for advice?

1 Reply

@JessiHart,

JessiHart wrote:

I do give my kids a crack on the ass every once in a while. And I have given him a crack on his for calling them fat. He did it again last night and this time I smacked him in the mouth. Told him one of these days someone is going to punch him in the mouth instead of smacking him. As for the sitting down and writing words? I dunno.....worth a shot I guess. He's very stubborn. We've tried the taking things away from him deal.....And his dad told our other 2 kids whenever he calls them fat to call him a stringbean (he's tall and skinny). He just laughs at them. And that's really not the way to go about it, really since it's just letting the other 2 know it's ok to call names too. I used to be really good friends with this one girl who weighed about 300 lbs. She was never able to lose weight. Medical problem or something. I told my son about her and told him that some people can't help the way they are. It's hard for people to lose weight, or find a way that helps them lose weight.

I'll sit down with him tonight and talk to him about it. I could use my personal experience with weight. Mine was/is oppisite tho. I can't gain weight if life depends on it! (Calista Flockhart skinny) Kids in school used to call me Ethiopian (sp?) and toothpick, bulemic, anorexic and things like that. I used to always wear long sleeve shirts cuz I didn't want to show my arms and I still never wear shorts! I'm healthy as a horse, just can't gain weight. Which sucks cuz I'd like a bigger ass!

I have a crack on my ass... Are you my Mother??? Be honest.. It is tough being a single mom isn't it???

If you want a bigger ass, just feed your kid... That is what he is rapidly becoming..

0 Replies

@Ragman,

Ragman wrote:

Because you've been given some great advice for alternate ways to handle it here already in the last day and made this choice of punishment:
"He did it again last night and this time I smacked him in the mouth. "
No wonder he acts stubborn. Smack a kid in the mouth and all it'll do is create an atmosphere of fear, resentment and stubborness. Violence begets more violence.

Clearly an alternative to using violence and physcial punishment was offered. How's that smacking worked out so far? It seems to me you think that works better? So why look for advice?

Jesse Hart has single mother written all over her, and that sort: permissive, understanding, trusting, accepting; sometimes have children who grow up to be presidents, but are still dishonorable jerks who hold all women in contempt, and think in their hearts that they are idiots... No father will ever accept the crap a son passes by his mother at face value... A son alone never learns his proper role as the protector and respector of women, and has instead a good chance of becoming a good for nothing user of women... It would be great if a father was around to teach the kid some respect, but if the mother does not do it in short order the kid is heading into a **** life in the passing lane...

There were times I feared my mother, and times I loved her, and a lot of times I distrusted her because she was too quick to resort to violence, but I never ever held her in contempt, or took her for a fool.... Jesse Hart better get a hold of the situation and inspire some healthy fear in her child... It is not all bad... The state too may some day inspire fear in her son where it wants respect; but it will not put a roof over his head and tuck him in at night and bake him a birthday cake...

IN the poor max thread, jessehart says she has a hubby... If so; why isn't that father teaching the kid to mind his manors and listen to his mother??? You suppose he is like that warden in cool hand luke with that liberal butt wash: What we have here is a failure to communicate...People forget that violence is a form of communication too... Never the first choice, but the last alternative, and clearly the kid isn't getting it...

0 Replies

I am married thank you all very much.

0 Replies

Jessi -
1. PLEASE - Never hit a child or anyone else in the head or mouth area.

2. This behavior is typical of an 8 year old boy. And yes, he does need the Alpha Male in the house (father) to come down on him and tell him that word is not to be used in the house. And that's it. Give the situation to Dad.

3. Most likely, the kid will start using another "buzz word" to piss you off. He really got your goat on that one. What kind of a realtionship do you have with this boy? He is in the push-pull years with the mother/female. Bake him some cookies and put your arm around him. That's what he needs right now. And let the Dad be the strong rule maker and restraint setter for the boy.

2 Replies

@PUNKEY,

Look, it's not like I bloodied his mouth or anything when I smacked him in the mouth. He didn't cry or anything. It got his attention, and so far I haven't heard "you're fat" again. I have heard "that sucks" about 20 times yesterday, tho! lol His dad has told him that he's not going to be getting his DS next month if he doesn't stop talking the way he does. He yelled "Fine!" and stomped off. Smile

He really wants that thing!

And just to clarify. I AM married. My husband works in the evenings. He's a home health aide for his brother who goes to "workshop" during the day; kinda like the kids go to school.

2 Replies

@JessiHart,

JessiHart wrote:

His dad has told him that he's not going to be getting his DS next month if he doesn't stop talking the way he does. He yelled "Fine!" and stomped off. He really wants that thing!

Well, there's a consequence.

Have you made it really clear what "that way" is -- what is OK and not OK for him to say? For example, I wouldn't have any problem with my kid saying "that sucks" (I say it all the time), though I would have a problem with her saying "you're fat!" to other kids. He might be confused about what's acceptable and be pushing boundaries -- making those things very clear ahead of time might help, if that's not something you've done already.

0 Replies

Related Topics

Quick Links

My Account

able2know