The Future President, Donald Trump

Yes I am frightened... I'm frightened that this country will be turned over to a liar, a perjurer, someone whose only qualification is that they believe they are entitled to be president someone who will do anything to obtain that position....

CLEVELAND (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was jubilant Thursday night after accomplishing his goal of delivering a speech that no one will ever want to plagiarize, Trump aides confirmed.

According to his staff, Trump and his speechwriters had been working overtime during the week to create a tirade that was sufficiently bloated, unhinged, and terrifying to discourage potential plagiarists from reusing excerpts in the future.

Paul Manafort, Trump’s campaign manager, said that, right until the hour the candidate took the stage, the billionaire’s writing team was scrubbing the speech of any marginally coherent passages that might prove tempting to plagiarists.

“There was one sentence toward the beginning that had traces of humanity and rational thought,” Manafort said. “Fortunately, we caught it in time.”

Watching from backstage on Thursday night, Manafort and the speechwriters erupted into a flurry of high-fives when it became clear that the speech was the rambling, demented mess they had worked so hard to create. “From the moment Mr. Trump started shrieking and his entire head turned red, we knew we had nailed it,” he said.

Harland Dorrinson, a leading plagiarism expert, shared the campaign’s assessment that the final draft of Trump’s seventy-minute rant was too repellent to entice even the least discerning plagiarist.

“I can’t see anyone lifting anything from that speech unless he wanted to sound totally batshit crazy,” he said.

Jon Stewart tears into Trump supporters: 'This country isn't yours'

Jon Stewart sat behind Stephen Colbert's desk on Thursday night following the Republican National Convention and provided a furious rebuke to the commentary offered during the four-day event.

The Republicans appear to have a very clear plan for America. They articulated it throughout the convention. No. 1, jail your political opponent. No. 2, inject Rudy Giuliani with a speedball and a Red Bull enema. And then No. 3, spend the rest of the time scaring the holy bejesus out of everybody," Stewart joked on Thursday's episode of The Late Show.

Stewart mocked conservative media, particularly Sean Hannity, for how it has embraced Donald Trump as a candidate, despite the fact he shares many traits Conservatives slammed Barack Obama for possessing, including a reliance on teleprompters.

He then addressed Hannity and other Republicans about their hypocrisy in supporting Trump for president. "You just want that person to give you your country back, because you feel you're this country's rightful owners," Stewart said. "There's only one problem with that: This country isn't yours. You don't own it. It never was. There is no real America. You don't own it. You don't own patriotism. You don't own Christianity. You sure as hell don't own respect for the bravery and sacrifice of military, police, and firefighters. Trust me. I saw a lot of people on the convention floor with their Blue Lives Matter rhetoric, who either remained silent or actively fought against the 9/11 first responders bill reauthorization. I see you, and I see your bulls---. I see it!"

The former Daily Show host closed his speech by slamming Republicans for not being true to the Founding Fathers -- while also getting in a reference to Hamilton.

"You've got a problem with those Americans fighting for their place at the table. You got a problem with them because you feel like -- what's Rep. Steve King's word for it? -- subgroups of America are being divisive. If you have a problem with that then take it up with the founders. We hold these truths to be self evident," Stewart said, before singing, "that all men are created equal" in the style of the Hamilton song "The Schuyler Sisters." He finished by giving a shoutout to Hamilton creator Lin-Manuel Miranda and offering a plea for inclusion.

"Those fighting to be included in the ideal of equality are not being divisive; those fighting to keep those people out are," Stewart said.

We are the highest taxed nation in the world

Seems to me Bill got lucky and two counts one he came in at the tail end of Reaganomics and 2 he had a republican-controlled Congress that was exercising physical restraint...

Reducing taxes historically have never increased the deficit or the debt just the opposite increasing taxes have always increased the deficit and debt because when you increase taxes Washington spends more and so will Billary