One not wanting to relocate/other wanting to

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Some of you may remember my saga a couple of years ago about relocating. Currently we are still living in the same old place, kids are happy, involved in lots with our community and school. My parents are happy and involved with us and everything seems fine.

Only problem is hubby hasn’t made any money with his current work at home job (all commission based). We have enough money saved to support us without making any major cutbacks for 6 or more months. Granted we can’t go crazy spending, but we can enjoy our moderate lifestyle. I let him know that we have about 6 months (to light a fire on him a little). He admits he has been slacking a bit (refer to overzealous coach that took over our life). He did agree he was slacking and has starting picking up a bit.

Well this has prompted him to think about relocating again as living expenses are less in TX. So he asked me to see if there is potential to relocate my job if we sell our house (a couple of condos sold where we live recently).

Problem – now I don’t want to move. Aside from lack of income on my husband’s side everything is going well why rock the boat? And my dad being diagnosed with lung cancer although he is doing pretty well right now. I didn’t really bother worrying about this as I felt it unlikely my boss would agree – but just yesterday some one is leaving in TX and are company is frantically looking for someone else – they upped the position level to my level in order to try to get some one hired.

I haven’t told my husband yet about this newest development. I don’t want to move now. We (as in kids, me, my family) are all happy where we are situated. The only person wanting to go now is hubby. He tends to get very defensive and angry when he gets something in his head that he feels is a good thing and you do not agree. I am not sure how to handle this – well I am – but still want to reach out and see others points of view.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 8 • Views: 3,701 • Replies: 54

[+3] - sozobe - 06/22/2010First, I'm sorry about your dad's illness. In terms of the rest of it... I know several families who are dealing with the husband/ father's lack of a job. Most of them are/were single-earner...

@Linkat,

Ouch.

Why is it that he wants to move to Texas? Family? Job?

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@Linkat,

If you're taking the children's feelings into this - have you asked your kids how they feel about a potential move?

I ask as I discovered years afterward that the hamburgers had had an opportunity to move when I was a child - and decided against the move as they felt I was happy where we were. Well, I was happy enough but I really wanted to get out of that town and 40+ years later, I still wish they'd moved.

~~~~

Now, bottom line, I think the decision is really between you and your husband. Your family and kids don't get votes about this sort of thing.

It's as you note in your thread title - one/other. It's not one/others.

~~~~

my parents made the right decision for them as a couple (I think). I don't begrudge them that. I still got out of town.

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@Linkat,

Quote:

He admits he has been slacking a bit (refer to overzealous coach that took over our life). He did agree he was slacking and has starting picking up a bit.

Well this has prompted him to think about relocating again as living expenses are less in TX. So he asked me to see if there is potential to relocate my job if we sell our house (a couple of condos sold where we live recently).

Any possibility that he's looking for a place with a lower cost of living so he can go on with his coaching (slacking?) and still have the family be able to live on mostly just your salary?

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@Linkat,

First, I'm sorry about your dad's illness.

In terms of the rest of it... I know several families who are dealing with the husband/ father's lack of a job. Most of them are/were single-earner families, so when he lost his job they no longer had an income, so that's a different situation.

But there is a pride element that I think is probably in common amongst all of them. For better or worse, in American society today, men with families (especially with young children) feel an enormous amount of pressure to work. And often feel really bad/ guilty if they're unable to find work.

This is one reason my best friend is moving -- her husband was able to find jobs locally, but all were menial, low-paying, commission-type stuff while he is used to being a pretty high-level manager. He found a job as a high-level manager out of state, and they're moving.

I think -- big generalization here -- that in general, women (especially moms) are more tied to their local social networks than men are. That's probably more true when the women are stay-at-home moms and the men work.

Anyway, do your parents still watch your kids (how is that whole thing going, if so?). My point there is that the free childcare (whether from your husband who is now not working or your parents) probably offsets a fair amount of the difference in cost of living.

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@Linkat,

Another thought... could he know you don't want to move and so be setting up an excuse for himself? Something along the lines of "Well there is no work here and I wanted to move to Texas, but no, you wouldn't do it, so I'm just kinda stuck..."

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@DrewDad,

Because cost of living is less. A couple of years ago my job was supposed to relocate there. With the economy and being laid off if I did not relocate, we visited several times and decided to make the move. Work was paying for all costs associated with it. We were unable to sell our condo and couldn't afford to have the condo and move without selling.

My boss was kind of enough (without me knowing it) work with upper management and secure my position locally so we didn't have to move.

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@Butrflynet,

It could be a possibility. He has had some personal issues with his mom not being 100% also that has caused him stress - his outlet has been the coaching.

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@Linkat,

OK.

It's always a difficult thing to balance what everyone wants in a family.

I think one thing to consider here, is whether there is a chance of the financial situation changing in the next six months. What happens if he can't make more money? Are you talking severe cutbacks in your lifestyle, or are you talking having to move, anyway? (Either locally or to Texas?)

I'm sorry about your dad's cancer.

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@sozobe,

Yes - now during the summer my parents are watching the kids. Summer camp is too expensive with me just working. We may foot for a short term camp or half day rec program here in the city, but can't foot longer term care.

Him, working at home, and with the kids a bit older, could keep them at home if we really needed to. He has during the school year after school. But that is a few hours vs. all day.

I do try not to harp on him at all about lack of income as I know it is a source of pride. This is the first in quite a while that I mentioned it to him, because he needs to know the financial situation. We really don't need alot extra, but we do need some more.

My parent thing is a little strained, but not much - almost like before. And the thought of moving makes me ill to put them through it again. I don't think I could. And the situation is a little different with their health - I don't know if my dad could travel as he does go through some radiation treatments. So the come down for a month sort of thing may not work.

My mom also has this ear/balance thing that could make it impossible to travel during an "episode".

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@sozobe,

Well he has in a sense a job. He just hasn't gotten paid anything for it. He works on 100% commission.

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@DrewDad,

Thanks all about my dad.

I'm talking about $2,500/month or so to keep our lifestyle where it is. We could make some cutbacks to compensate: cut out kids monthly college investments, Y membership, even my 401k investments. We wouldn't have to move any way.

And there is more money tucked away in mutual funds. The 6 months money is our cash/short term investments.

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Sympathy from here, Linkat, though no bright ideas. I'm sorry re your father's health too.
On moving, hadn't you considered moving locally not too long ago? Is that out of the question?

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@Linkat,

Moving across the country seems like a extreme solution to a cash flow problem, IMO.

If he's not making any money for the work that he's doing, perhaps his time would be better spent on job searching.

Chance are, you're also paying heath insurance premiums for both him and the kids. Any job with health insurance would show an immediate benefit to your bottom line.

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@ossobuco,

No, not out of the question. We have talked about that as well. Right now, I wouldn't want to move locally until my husband was steadily making some income.

I showed him an article of a small ranch transformed into a two story home. We may be able to do that depending of the cost of construction here locally.

My husband gets on these tieraids (sp?) where he gets an idea in his head and that is it. (at least until I knock some sense into it). That was what I was going to do in this case. I figured well they aren't just going to make a position for me so I just kinda like him talk it out. And then I get into work and wham all of a sudden his view for an open position appeared atta no where.

Now I just have to deal with telling him there is an open position, but I don't want it.

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@DrewDad,

Actually as I have a family health insurance here at work - if he came off, my premiums wouldn't change so that doesn't matter. All he needs to do is make 2.5k a month (after taxes) and we are completely fine.

He also thinks of the nice weather year round - no snow (or little snow). And that we could easily afford a large new home vs a smaller older one.

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@Linkat,

Moving across the country for a lateral transfer sounds like a big hassle for not much reward.

I doubt the prospects for promotion would be very good, either. Once they get you into this hard-to-fill position, they're not likely to let you go.

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@Linkat,

Linkat wrote:

He also thinks of the nice weather year round - no snow (or little snow). And that we could easily afford a large new home vs a smaller older one.

Well, make sure you come and visit in July or August, before he gets all excited about the lack of snow.

Housing prices are very reasonable, here, though. And the housing market has been much more stable than in other parts of the country.

Check on the electrical bills, too.

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@DrewDad,

My other argument at one time when hubby brought this up before is there is not much in that area of the country for work like I have experience for - so it is true, you are stuck with the job once there.

It has also been discussed here locally by some Sr management of potentially folding the group in TX as it is difficult to hire people with the skill set we need for this particular group. They do not plan on doing this from what I understand, but what happens if a couple of years from now, they do? Sr. managment has even looked at outsourcing our department - they said it was part of normal review of costs and benefits, but what if one year it is determined it would be a benefit to outsource.

At least here locally, there is an industry for my job skills.

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@Linkat,

Quote:

This is the first in quite a while that I mentioned it to him, because he needs to know the financial situation.

don't tell us that you kept the financial " situation " ( difficulties ) to yourself - please don't !
you need an annual budget with a monthly breakdown and you really need to keep track of ALL your expenses .
at month-end you both ( together ) need to set aside enough time so that you can review your financial situation - and plan further ahead .

financial " difficulties " ( " going broke " - short-term or long-term ) are one of the major marital problems .

so get out some accounting pads , some sharp pencils and a $10 calculator and go on a " financial safari " this weekend !

go and " bag " some wildebeast - HAPPY HUNTING !

some free stuff on budgeting :

http://www.google.ca/search?sourceid=navclient&aq=1&oq=family+budgeting&ie=UTF-8&rlz=1T4GGLJ_enCA233CA233&q=family+budgeting+worksheets

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One not wanting to relocate/other wanting to

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