3
   

Going out with a widow - experiencing some difficulties

 
 
Big Col
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Oct, 2011 11:21 am
@PUNKEY,
I am dating, having fun, really not anything major, just having fun, concentrating on my new house nd spending time with my son.

There is no way I will go back to being someone's emotional crutch again, I've dated a few that I thought had issues and ended up steering well clear.
0 Replies
 
Big Col
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Oct, 2011 11:23 am
@phatgirl18,
All I did was to look at things from her point of view and it just got me a broken heart, I am not a needy person, but I really can't remember a time when I had any of my needs met.

I would be happy to see the lad though.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Fri 28 Oct, 2011 06:52 am
This is a great time for you to do a self examination and find out what your needs are - and then become determined to get them fulfilled.

I think that you have already discovered that you filled what you THOUGHT were her needs, at the expense of yourself.

This will be so good for you and your son's relationship, too.

I wish you luck. The unknown days ahead can be scarey - but really exciting!
0 Replies
 
Big Col
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Nov, 2011 03:54 am
Well

Out of the blue she has been in touch again over the last few days...

I got an email from out of the blue asking how I was etc..

I replied to her saying that I was fine and told her how my son was doing and she told me her her boys were doing and that they missed me and would love to see me.. I said that I would be happy to see them under any arrangement she wished and did not want to cause any confusion..

She did say that it would be lovely hear from me again and to talk to which I replied I no longer have any of her contact details, she promptly me emailed her numbers back..

She also said that if I changed my mind about going for a coffee or a drink that she would love it..

We ended up speaking on the phone, she asked me what I had been up to, she wanted to fill in the gaps, so I told that I had been dating, she said that she had done the same and hated it and that she had a string of dissapointments..

She went on to talk about a place we went to when we were together with the children and how sad she found it that I was not with her and that she missed her friend, I also said that I missed her..

She still wants to meet up but I have made it clear that I cannot be her friend, that I had a difficult year and that I don't want to go back to where I have just come from..

Not sure what to do here...

CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Nov, 2011 10:33 am
@Big Col,
Quote:
.....she said that she had done the same and hated it and that she had a string of dissapointments..


Here is your answer! She tried dating different men and experienced a string of disappointments and now all of a sudden you're good enough again to fill the void. If this is what you want (a fill in), then go ahead, otherwise stay away from her. You'll do much better without her. Remember she didn't give a hood how miserable you were and emotionally drained. She only contacts you now because she had not much luck with other men. Don't be a stopgap!
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Nov, 2011 11:36 am
@Big Col,
Quote:
Not sure what to do here...
Not surprisingly I dont agree with CJ....there is a better than even chance that she is just playing with you as she always has, but she might not be. What you should do is if you still want her is to stay open to getting together, but only if she meets your terms, what ever they may be. I would meet for coffee and hear her out, but remain firm....stand up for yourself this time, know what you want and dont hook up with her unless she is offering to give you want you want.

Most likely she is not now willing to do that, as she never has in the past, but going to coffee would be a good exercise to prove to yourself that you have wised up, that you are stronger now. It will also give her the same chance, and if she is intent now to continue to play you seeing face to face that you are no longer the chump that you were will convince her to stop trying...she will move on to easier guys.
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Nov, 2011 11:50 am
@Big Col,
As difficult as it sounds (and as hard as it has been), it'll be harder with adding her back into your life. Stick to your guns as she has demonstrated how emotionally unavailable she is and incapable of giving you what you wanted. It's really inconsiderate, too.

IMHO, say good-bye. Move on and enjoy the rest of your life..without her. You've done fine so far...after ending it..and you'll do fine keeping it that way.
Big Col
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Nov, 2011 07:36 am
@Ragman,
Hi Ragman

Are you thinking it's inconsiderate for her to get in touch after finding out the grass is not greener?
Big Col
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Nov, 2011 07:42 am
@hawkeye10,
I have agreed to meet her. When we talked on the phone I told her I did not have any bad feelings about what happened, I did tell her that it was not too late but... just being a friend is something that I could not do as I would not be able to move on. I did not mention the bout of depression I had or the time off work but I did say I had a difficult year and did not want to go back to where I had just come from, I also told her about the positives in my life, having now bought a 2nd house, just one 3 medals at really hard judo tournament etc etc.

Other than that we have had some fun banter by text message, she said she is going to arrange something in the next few weeks so we can meet.

I can't deny that I still have strong feelings for her, though you probably think I'm mad...

I feel strong enough now to stand up for myself, I feel strong enough to close the door on this chapter should I feel that nothing would change.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Nov, 2011 08:18 am
Well, you are much wiser now. You will go into this "meeting" knowing yourself better - and being more aware that you are still vunerable about her and the past.

Don't feel that you have to make ANY decisions immediately. If she indicates that she wants to pick up where you two left off, tell her you can't make any kind of commitment right now. Easy does it.

Look for "growth" in her, too. . . . or is she just wanting the attention and to fill the lonliness with something familiar. WHY is she wanting to re-kindle this relationship?

Only you will have to determine if you are going to touch that hot stove again. Remember the awful BURN you had and how long it took to heal.

Let us know.


0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Nov, 2011 09:20 am
@Big Col,
I don't think your mad, but I do think you're hung up on her..and the dream of a having a romance and having a lover.

I've been there..and done this sort of thing a few times with ex-g/f. Trust me when I tell you this: Don't go there! I realize that regardless of what I write, you are going to...but be aware and keep your eyes wide open. I don't know her at all but sometimes people act like this are known to be narcissistic.

By virtue of the fact that she knew how hurt you were, it's inconsiderate to the MAX. It also indicates a possibility she doesn't have anything but her own selfish interests at heart.

You need to KEEP protecting yourself and heal. In time, there'll be another love and romance in your life but NOT with her. Friendship with her, even casual, is not in the cards and not healthy for you, IMHO.
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Nov, 2011 05:47 pm
@Big Col,
I am speechless that you would set yourself up for some more heartache.
Good luck you will need it!
0 Replies
 
Big Col
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Nov, 2011 06:37 am
Well here is an update:-

Well we met! It was electric!

We met at a nice bar, and hugged each other as soon as we saw each other, I told her she looked beautiful.

We found a quiet place and talked for hours, we hugged a lot, we kissed each other passionately a lot, we shared our experiences of the summer, she talked about the people she had dated and I did the same.

She talked about how often she wanted to ring but was afraid to, there were songs that she could not listen to, places she could not go because it hurt her because they were reminders of the time we shared.

The people that she dated while we were apart (there were 3) were arses by her account, made her feel unimportant and only fitted her in when it was convenient for them and were not interested in her boys. Her boys really miss me, her eldest did not speak to her for months after she finished with me as he was so angry with her.

Without getting angry with and telling her that I did not have any bad feeling we got on to talking about how I felt, being told by that she only wanted casual etc, how it ended, how upsetting it was and she now totally understands how I felt and she totally understands how she hurt me.

I said looking forward that friendship only was not on the cards for me, but what I wanted was a fresh beginning, to wipe the slate clean and start again at a pace that we were both comfortable with.

She said I appeared different, more confident, self assured, I told her that I had worked on sorting out the stuff I needed to sort following on from my child access case and my fathers death. She could not stop touching me, telling me I looked gorgeous and very buff and that I had litterally thrown her with the way that I was.

The setting was absolutely perfect, looks of poinent music came on for both us, it was very romantic.

I got back home and she rang me up, we stayed talking until half 3 this morning, she said that she missed the family things we did, the intimacy, the love that I gave her but she was scared of needing me, I said that there was nothing here that could not be fixed.... Were arranging our 2nd date....

Not contacting her, and leaving her to experience how **** it is actually out there was absolutely the right thing to do, only time is now going to tell.....

I am going to take this very slow, I well aware of the risks, but feel very confident in handling it should it go wrong...
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Nov, 2011 08:47 am
@Big Col,
I wish you the best of luck. You may be one of the few that have beaten the odds.

I will only say this: you say that you're taking it slow but the accounting that you just gave is NOT an indication of taking it slow.
0 Replies
 
Big Col
 
  1  
Reply Sun 21 Jul, 2013 04:53 pm
I know this is an old thread but thought I would take the time to update it after everything has come to its conclusion. And my own circumstances changed.

I went self employed a year ago which can be stressful sometimes but on the whole I am doing far much better for myself now.

The cracks starting appearing last Christmas, my ex partner (mother to my son) had offered me extra time on Christmas Day which did not go down well with her, she said it interfered with her time and it was impact to her and her children and we argued for days about it, and she never really let go of it until we parted about 6 weeks ago.

She then asked if I wanted to get a house with her, I said yes and she changd her mind yet again.

My sister about 3 months was diagnosed with breast cancer and has to have surgery and chemo, me being a former cancer patient it knocked the stuffing out of me.

My partner whilst on the surface appeared supportive said that she must be selfish and that I must invest time in us, I had been working long hours and I have to work when it's available. She was never supportive of this.

She is now heavily into religion, and whilst religion is a good thing I am not religious.

Recently though she admitted that whilst the physical connection was broken to her deceased husband the mental connection remained and that she thought she had had her chance of happiness, well that was the final nail I'm afraid.

I said that if she thought she was never going to be be happy then I had no chance, she then said she wanted to woo her, chance her and romance her etc, that she was happy to date me but did not want to talk about any kind of future other than dating. I said was not going back to just dating after 4 years and ended it.

So there you go, I did not feel particularly upset this time around, I had heard everything before, I feel disappointed but am now getting on with things and am enjoying myself.

glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Sun 21 Jul, 2013 06:16 pm
@Big Col,
Good luck to you. It sounds like she was comfortable as long as her needs were met. If someone thinks they are being short changed because you are concerned about your sister, she has too many needs. For what it's worth, I think you made the right decision.
0 Replies
 
Alla1
 
  -1  
Reply Sun 18 Oct, 2020 10:44 am
@Big Col,
Your girlfriend is very selfish immature sulking little girl. Not everything is and should be about her. The court proceedings you had were a huge thing, extremely stressful and important for you, you contact with your own child depended on the result and she should be there for you as you were for her with her grieving. I hope you left her and found a woman who is caring and loving, strong mentally , exactly the one you deserve.
0 Replies
 
 

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