3
   

Going out with a widow - experiencing some difficulties

 
 
Big Col
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 May, 2011 02:14 am
Well it's been a few weeks since I last spoke to my ex, I miss her like mad, and her boys. I'm still struggling to eat, though that has slightly improved, I've kept busy seeing my friends and dragging myself out.

I'm still struggling to come to terms with the whole thing and question if I did the right thing by forcing the issue asking to know what's going on, I find it so confusing how it went from talking about living together to then saying she recently met someone and she decided to throw 2 years away.

When we last spoke I said that I love her and her boys, that I hope she finds happiness and that if she realises she made a mistake that I would have her back in an instant, she began to back pedal a bit but said she just did not know what she wanted or if she would ever be happy after being widowed and the best thing we could do was meet up after the summer and see how we both feel. I felt a fool for doing so but could not help myself.

All I wish I could is to hold her in my arms but I know I cannot, it's never hurt so much to move forward with your life. I have to let her see what happens, and hope that if wants to come back it is not too late.

She has a number of significant anniversaries coming up soon, I take it that I should no longer send her any token gestures to let her know I am thinking of her at these difficult times? In the past I sent cards and flowers, what should I do now? Leave it entirely? Let her miss that support?
Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 May, 2011 04:42 am
@Big Col,
She did not "throw two years away". What you had was a transitional relationship, which is very common after being divorced or widowed.

Quote:
She has a number of significant anniversaries coming up soon, I take it that I should no longer send her any token gestures to let her know I am thinking of her at these difficult times? In the past I sent cards and flowers, what should I do now? Leave it entirely? Let her miss that support?


If I were you, I would cut that umbilical cord. She has someone else, and it is just torturing yourself by attempting to continue the relationship, even on a limited basis.

"Let her miss that support"??? She has another relationship, and, cruel as it seems, yours is redundant. It sounds like you want to stay in the picture, "in case". I don't think that that is a healthy thing for you to do. IMO, it would be better if you go out, started to socialize a bit, and develop other friendships.

It is possible that she might want to return to you in the future. And I could win the lottery. I am not going to sit around for the rest of my life waiting for my numbers to be read, and neither should you.
0 Replies
 
Big Col
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 May, 2011 05:00 am
Thank you for those wise words, it's during the mornings I really struggle with things in the mornings, I question myself, should I have asked her what I did? How come it went all so wrong in such a short space of time? How can she just be so clinical about this? I don't if this new person is an actual relationship in the sense, it is none of my business, pointless to torture myself over that. The questions I know that I will never probably never get the answers to.

I am doing my best, have another councelling session today, I wish I could turn back the clock, I know I cannot though. I have been forcing myself to go out, socialise, it hurts so damn much to move forward.

I will not send her anything. I did get a text off her last week about her eldest, the last time we spoke on the phone she wanted to meet me at the end of the summer to see how we both felt. I'm not holding out hope for that either.
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 May, 2011 09:27 am
@Big Col,
Big Col, it's not something you did wrong or could have done more or better -
you did all you could, but her heart was not in it, and as sad as it is, she should not have had a relationship with you while she was still emotionally tied to her dead husband. She needed you and used you as rebound relationship. It is very unfortunate for you as you came into the relationship
from a different angle, but reality is what it is.

What if you enter into another relationship in order to lick your wounds that help you forget about this women you still love. A few years down the road you know that you're over the hurtful relationship but you're stuck with a new relationship that was built solely on helping you get over another woman. Suddenly you notice that this new relationship is based under false pretense and that it has run its course. You were so preoccupied with getting over your old love, you never spent enough time with your new relationship and now it's too late. You're not emotionally vested and you
are ending the relationship. Surely, it wasn't fair to the new woman, and
it's not her fault at all, but she happened to be there when you needed someone to bridge over the emotional tie from one person to another.

Do you see now that you were the "emotional bridge" to this woman?
You helped her overcome the death of her husband and helped her to enter a new relationship. You did an outstanding job, the only problem was that
she wasn't emotionally vested in you - she had to overcome different emotions.

You did well, but you did not have a relationship that was built on equal
terms. It's very unfortunate for you, but it is what it is - reality!
Big Col
 
  1  
Reply Wed 4 May, 2011 10:10 am
@CalamityJane,
Have arranged long term counselling, with going through this so close to my fathers death it has shaken me to the core, was extremely tearful today.

If she did love me she would not have done this, just got to move forward.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 4 May, 2011 02:41 pm
Call
I am sure this woman "loved" you - just not the way you wanted her to.

You helped her heal, comforted her and helped her get strong.

Now she is ready to explore the world and see all that there is.

You must give her the space to do that. In the meantime, YOU need to live, too.

You are mourning the relationship; now you understand her hurt and preoccupation with the past.

WORK at finding more friends. Let everyone know you are ready to single-mingle.

What will be, will be.
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Wed 4 May, 2011 03:45 pm
@Big Col,
Quote:
If she did love me she would not have done this, just got to move forward.
You were handy, nothing more. Calamity is wrong, your did make mistakes, you misjudged the situation, and you did not have enough respect for yourself to demand that the woman (her) wanted you.

Counselling is a good step, though it may or may not help much. You can still feel, and you know that you need to put one foot in front of the other and move on....which is super. This is going to suck , but that which does not kill us makes us stronger. As long as you dont shut down your ability to feel or let the bitterness take over you will likely be just fine.

And give yourself a break, we all make mistakes, and wanting to love and be loved is a damn fine thing.
Big Col
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 May, 2011 02:23 am
@hawkeye10,
I have maintained not contacting her at save except that some worrying things her eldest said to me last week which I let her know about, she did say at some point I would be able to see him.

It really guts me that she maybe seeing someone else, I can't believe I offered her a safety blanket to come back to me if she thinks she made a mistake. I do fully understand though that she does need to see what else there is out there, but it hurts so god damn much after her telling me she wanted a future etc, that is what I don't understand and what I find difficult to accept.

I find the mornings the most difficult, yet again I woke up dreaming about her, she is on my mind all the bloody time except in the evenings. I dread waking up in the mornings, I hate feeling this way, I wish I could shut these feelings out. I constantly feel lost, this is without a doubt one of the most painful experiences I have ever had in my life.

I see both your and Calamity's point of view, if I had forced the issue back then I think it would of been over.

I am doing my very best to move forward despite it being very painful.
0 Replies
 
Big Col
 
  1  
Reply Tue 12 Jul, 2011 06:30 pm
Hi guys

Been a while since I last updated. So thought I would drop by and let you know what the last 3 months has been like.

It has been hard moving forward, not heard one bit from the ex who I was with for 2 years who left me someone else after I had supported her.

Dealing with the grief issues now with my father which is difficult but making progress.

I've started to rebuild my life, I've had to take some time off work, about May time I really sunk low, GP had already prescribed me anti-depressants but I had become mentally and physically exhausted to the point that I no longer wanted to be around. Counselling has been a good help, so have my friends.

Fast forward a bit, I've begun experiencing the world of online dating to inject fun back into my life, I have also decided to move house, I had enough equity in my house that I was going to rent out when I was about to live with my ex to buy another house and keep the one I was living in. That now has tenants in it, I move into my new house in about a months time. So I now own two houses!

Still off work due to stress and exhaustion, and sill on medication, been told to remain on them for the rest of the year. The last 3 years of stress caught up with me big style, the court case for my son, my Dad's terminal illness and death followed by my ex who I adored and supported over her grief who kicked me into touch when I needed support.

It's been a very difficult path but light is now beginning to show at the end of the tunnel...
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Tue 12 Jul, 2011 06:44 pm
@Big Col,
Quote:
Fast forward a bit, I've begun experiencing the world of online dating to inject fun back into my life, I have also decided to move house, I had enough equity in my house that I was going to rent out when I was about to live with my ex to buy another house and keep the one I was living in. That now has tenants in it, I move into my new house in about a months time. So I now own two houses!
Very good moves,....as soon as you are ready roll the dice again, most women are not emotionally crippled dishonest bitches as the last one was. Figure out what you want in a woman and the go get it.
0 Replies
 
Big Col
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Oct, 2011 08:06 am
Just an update...

Been a long time since I have been on this thread, a lot has happened to me since then, in the end I had time out from work, decided to move to start a fresh, so rented out my old house and bought another one, I've been enjoying life again, it was a long hard struggle.

Today, I have heard from her eldest out of the blue, he text me asking how I was so I said I was fine and asked what he had been up to. He told me he was fine and that he had been on holiday but was missing me. I told him I missed him also and would still love to see him if he so wished...

Then he said that his Mum had say hi and hoped I was ok. I replied saying that I was fine and hope she was well.

He then said that she wanted to meet me for a coffee and that she would text me later if that was ok.. I said I did not know what to say..

I am puzzled, why now after all this time?

There is a significant factor today though, it is the anniversary of her husbands death. I obviously cut off all contact from her and through all the significant dates never offered her any support, I don't know if she is with her new man still or not, and I am not sure I want to know either..

Would appreciate some thoughts.... Confused
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Oct, 2011 08:33 am
@Big Col,
Here's one man's opinion (your mileage may vary):

Hold your ground. You've pulled/been pulling yourself out of a depression. It sounds like this would be a good meeting to avoid at all costs. I think you owe it to yourself to limit your contact to a short phone call at most possibly.

If you know the term soul vampire..it might apply here to her.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Oct, 2011 08:55 am
Col - WHY are you taking messages from a child?

This woman can call you - like an adult - and ask to meet for coffee.

Both of you must NOT use children to communicate with each other. Please don't discuss your (non) relationship with his mother with this child.

Don't respond to her until she can act like an adult woman.
Big Col
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Oct, 2011 09:10 am
@PUNKEY,
Hi Punkey

I did not initiate the contact, he did, I no longer have her number, and apart from not knowing what to say about the coffee, I have never discussed what happened with him...
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Oct, 2011 09:22 am
@Big Col,
Hi Big Col,

you did well for yourself and pulled yourself out of a very emotional situation, I am proud of you! Now don't jeopardize your well being by getting reeled in again.
There is a probability that her new man wasn't enthused about her childish games and hit the road and now she needs someone else to lean on and has you in mind.

My advice also would be to cut her off completely. She's had her chance
and she blew it. You are a good man and there is a woman out there for you who appreciates you and deserves you. This past relationship has run its course, no need to reheat the soup for the umpteenth time.
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Oct, 2011 10:12 am
@Big Col,
You might be missing Punkey's point. Her child contacted you to chat and catch up but in fairly short order has asked you to meet with the Mom for coffee, etc. This act and turn of events seems fairly transparent (to me). Whether or not it's intentional, don't fall for it.

The relationship had its chance and it's gone.

You're doing well without her and that troubled relationship. May it continue that way.
0 Replies
 
Big Col
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Oct, 2011 07:40 am
Well I did hear from her, she regarded me as a kind and compassionate man and she shared so much with me and felt sad that we no longer had anything to do with each other and that she often thought of getting in touch with means wondered how things were in my world. She thanked me for thinking of them at the anniversary of her husbands death.

She asked what I had been up to, I told her I had moved and now owned 2 properties and that me and my son were doing fine..

She asked if I would meet up with her to catch up, I initially agreed but said I was intrigued as to why she would want to after all this time.

She said that she wanted to see if we could be friends, I said that if it was only to talk about that possibility that I must be honest with her, that I still had strong feelings, and that if she only wanted friendship it's best that I don't see her...

She said that she was sorry to have hurt me and that she understood why I could not be just friends and said be happy....

So there there you go, sounds like it was have my cake and eat it to me, I have no real desire to go back to where I was, I hope you think I have done well...
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Oct, 2011 07:56 am
@Big Col,
^5, Col. You did well 'cause that took a lot of courage. I applaud your clear-thinking and acting.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Oct, 2011 06:17 am
Col - WOW! great job in taking a stand for where you DON'T want to be.

Now . . . what are you doing to capture the best part of your needs again?
What need is being unfulfilled?

Are you dating? Are you keeping busy with other adults?
phatgirl18
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Oct, 2011 10:29 am
@Big Col,
Try to understand her situation. If you really can't there is still time to back out. Smile
 

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