Going out with a widow - experiencing some difficulties

She was happy for me to be her knight in shining armour, all I wanted in the end was some hope, she has cut me off in a business like fashion, I would never treat anyone the way that I have been treated by her....

I guess I am just feeling used right now....

I feel really low, I gave it everything, but even now I am questioning myself if I should of given her more time, but how much more time can you give a person?

Denial and Anger are both steps towards getting over this, so it sounds like you are coming along. You don't need to give her more time - she's already directly told you it isn't working. Not taking no for an answer is not a good path here.

You did not steer your own ship, you let her do it in the hopes that you would get a reward some day. Sorry, with women that rarely works. Unless you are a genuine submissive dont ever again trade control of the relationship for a hoped for reward to come later.

Your major problem now is that it is likely that you will develop such a strong bitterness that you will ruin the rest of your life. Do what you can do to move on from this, the best and fastest solution is to find a woman to play and cuddle with ASAP.

Well we had our final talk tonight, she does not know what she wants after 2 years, loves me but does not know in which way, wants to re-discover herself, meet new people, try new things.

I've somehow managed to agree to offer staying friends, she then asked what would happen if she met someone and had a drink with them? I said it would not be any of my business and that it would be difficult to deal with but if that's the case it then works both ways.

I told her it's not what I want but I am prepared to have a break and that I hope that she changes her mind in the future.

I laid all my cards on the table, told that I would of found it easier if she had first not built my hopes of a future and marriage etc but could cope with day to for the time being. She was still adament on the break, so I agreed, we also agreed to meet up later on in the summer to see how we feel.

To end it I told her what I felt and that was that she was the only person I had met that I wanted to spend my life with and I had wanted her to be my wife and that I hope one day she changes her mind and I have the opportunity to be her husband...

I have no hope now, just have been kicked into touch, I am distraught, I could not stop crying talking to her, but she just seemed so calm and professional about the whole thing, who says that men are less emotional then women?

I gutted....

What happened to you is common. It is 50/50 that you can make it through this OK, you really need to shift your focus from her to you. Focusing on her needs/wants/desires instead of your own is what got you into this mess, and if you dont knock it of it will make you so bitter now that you will be sunk. Mental hygiene is critical, dont think about her and try not to give in to your bitterness. You still have time to pull up before you crash, but not much.

The day before we broke up I sent her flowers with a note saying hope we could work though this and that I don't want to lose her.

I heard from last night, saying thank you for the flowers, they are beautiful and that I am a very special man and that we'll talk after the weekend.

I replied saying I am so glad she liked the flowers and that she deserved them, and that I was looking forward to hearing from her and hoped she had a nice weekend, that I was thinking of her and that I am here for her if she wanted to talk..

I know can't hold out much hope, but hopefully.... I don't want to lose her.... Even if it means taking a step back while she sorts herself out....

I guess you can't pull on the control stick. Damn, I have seen far too many of these, and it never gets to be easier to take.

God be with you.

Well I am certainly not going to do anymore than that now, I've said my peace, let her know how I feel the ball is in her court and I will try and look at this as if it is over and move on.

If she comes back to me then great,and I have not moved on then great, we both then need to set some ground rules, my instincts tell me it's not over but I am keeping myself busy, seeing my friends etc.

Well here is a strange thing, can't understand why someone would want to take a backward step, my ex asked me to change my relationship status which I did, and has changed hers to widowed when previously it was blank, I really do not understand this....

She shouldn't be on her friend's list anymore, Big Col, you're just torturing yourself this way. That's the first thing I tell my teenager when she has "puppy love" problems, I tell her to un-friend the boy so she won't be able to
read his wall and vice versa - it helps regaining your sanity.

Her eldest who is 14 is really upset about the whole thing and wishes to see me, I have told him he can see me anytime he likes though we have to arrange it with his mum.

It's so upsetting, for all intents and purposes apart from not living together we were a family unit and I became their father figure.

I can understand that, Big Col, nonetheless you have to face reality and look
forward. It doesn't help you if you're stuck in the past, and I don't think it
would help the 14 year old either. He has to live by his mother's wishes and
if she doesn't want to include you in her life, you have to respect her wishes
and move on.

I am still struggling with it all, still not contacted her, I know she would of had my letter by now. I dreamt about her this morning, dreamt I found a card and flowers from her saying she had made a big mistake, then I woke up.

I need to get a handle on this and some ideas on how to change my thought processes.

Give yourself a chance to heal. For Pete's sake, its only been a couple of days.

I would suggest that you don't even attempt to contact her. Each time you do, it is one step backward in the healing process. IMO, you need to make a life for yourself without her.

As far as her son is concerned, hanging on to him will only muddy the waters.

Be aware that you will have times that your breakup will hurt very much. Expect it, and you won't be as distressed when the moods and dreams come. It is a normal part of grieving, and you ARE grieving a loss. Trust in the fact that as you build a new life for yourself, the moods will fade.

I have been in touch with one of her friends who is a widow also, she told me it was absolutely nothing that I had done as I had been the best thing since sliced bread, she also worryingly said that she appeared calm, business like, and at that time had not read my letter, she has told me that I must let her miss me and miss what she had,which I fully intend to do, but also attempt to get on with my life.

Her friend is going to go round regularly and stay in touch with me but commented on my ex's girlfriend seeming to forget that she was a widow when they were talking. I have told her friend that I respect her wishes that she needs time on her own but that I do love her and her children and would work with her to sort anything out and still see them. Her friend is very aware and other people have commented that she has taken a massive step backwards, especially with the relationship status as widowed on facebook..

I am very worried about her eldest, he is very angry with her about this and her friend thinks she has not set a good example for him to deal with his issues, commenting not a long time back that she did not want to be here. He has had thoughts of suicide recently, hence the medication he has been put on.

Col - now you know why it sometimes takes a long time to break up with a person.

You have just gone through the first days and the hurt is fresh.

Unless you get a handle on this clinging and craving that has overtaken your life, you are never going to recover.

Her life is NOT yours to plan out and to control.

My heart goes out to you - but man, get ahold of yourself!!

PS. There is no reason why you can't be friends with the boy AFTER a while. He is re-grieving after another loss and his mother must deal with him, now.
Step back.

Well, found out the real reason,she said she was clearer than what she has been in 4 years, my new ex has met someone else, found out by text message off her, needless to say I let her know what I thought, that I would of not treated her in such a way.

She tried to say that she was not in a relationship with me, I rubbished this, saying that if we were in fact not in a relationship she would of not said:

a) That she wanted to get married in 2012

b) That I was the love of her new life

c) That she wanted a future with me

d) That she fully involved me in her children's lives

I said that all I ever wanted from her was to feel part of her life and that this is a lesson for her, that you do not treat people in this way and that I expected better from her, I thought she was actually grieving for her husband still.

She even said that I was looking at it from my point of view only, I said I disagreed, said that all I had ever done was love her, support her, loved her children and look at it from her point of view and this is what happened, I said that all she had to do was to let me go earlier and this could of been avoided, I spent weeks worrying that she was grieving over the loss of her husband when she was in fact not.

I told her that I did not want to know the details, it was none of my business, and that I would still be happy to see her eldest as long as she was. She replied as long as I behaved, I responded it's not my to involve anyone else in this or him for that matter, I have done nothing wrong, he does not deserve to suffer another loss.

He will not learn what has happened from me, that is not my style, but people will figure out what has happened, but I know I can hold my head up high knowing I did the right thing.

So there you go, how more wrong could I have been? On a positive note though, I feel much better, the pain of not actually knowing what the problem was, was in fact worse then finding it out in the way that I had.

Many thanks to this forum for the advice over the last year, my advice to anyone who has a relationship with a widow is not to place too much hope in it....

Sorry for your loss, Big Col. I hope that you can find happiness with someone else in the future.

Cycloptichorn

Oof, that's rough.

I know what you mean about even a devastating reason being more satisfying than no reason at all, though.

It sounds like this lady has issues that are above and beyond the fact that she lost her husband. The "not in a relationship with you" part is especially galling.

Best of luck in the future...

Well, you might not realize it yet, but you are one lucky man. Better to have found out what she is sooner better than later. It sounds like she says serious things that she doesn't really mean. I just feel sorry for her new boyfriend.