My husband denies an emotional affair.

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My husband and I are from Iowa. 4 months ago he took a job in california and he had to move out alone because we could not afford to move myself and our two boys out at that moment. It was supposed to be only one month apart but it turned into 4 months. About 8 weeks after he started his job he started calling me less and less and was acting very distant. I thought it was just because we were miles and miles apart. Then when I finally moved out here 8 weeks later I find that he has a lot of text messages from another woman, named "Cat". I ask and he says she's just some woman he works with who is almost 40. (we are 28) Then I find the call detail on sprint.com and see that for the past 2 months they called eachother almost 100 times and talked for an hour or a little more each night, or every other night. I ask him how often they talked and he flat out lied and said "once a week". Then i showed him my evidence and he said, "well, i guess I didn't realize how much we actually talked. but we're just friends. i needed friend". on top of all this he is telling me that he is doubting our relationship and that he feels our marriage may be "invalid" because i had not told him the truth about something i did in college (drunken sexual act with another guy, but not intercourse) before i was dating him. he says that means our whole relationship started out in deception since i didn't tell him the whole truth about that and that our marriage might not even be valid in God's eyes or in his. ( he is a "faithful" christian) Now he's thinking about leaving me but says he hasn't "made up his mind yet". We have two kids together (4,3) and I am pregnant with our 3rd, due in 8 weeks. He tells me I need to stay here with him and "love" him and "show" him that he has a reason to be here. In the mean time he continually texts with "Cat" and they get together just to "talk". He says that he cares about her, loves her as a "friend", and that there is nothing I can do about it. They are close and I can't tell him what to do so therefore I just need to deal with it. He said maybe if I do what i'm supposed to do to get closer to him then "maybe" this other woman will just go away. He swears that he's not having sex with her and that he is not attracted to her in that way. But they talk all the time and he is not willing to give it up in order to work on our marriage. I have no idea what to do. He tells me all about my past sins against him and says that he "suppressed" his feelings over the years and now he thinks he made a mistake in marrying me b/c as he says the last straw was me telling him the entire truth about the guy from college...which i told him a year ago because he kept pestering me about my past again. He thinks that God will show him whether or not he is supposed to be with me and expects me to wait around until he gets his "revelation". He swears that this "crisis" he is going through is not about Cat but is about our relationship problems and the fact that he's not sure it's a valid union. Am I CRAZY??? because he is making me feel CRAZY! Is there anything he is saying that makes sense? Is it REALLy about this WOMAN or am I just nuts? He was very caring and called me and emailed me continually up until he started talking to her. He claims he was having doubts before he met her. I am so confused. Should I stay and put up with this or should I go. He is real good at making me feel like maybe God never wanted me to be his wife and I'm a horrible sinner and I've done all these bad things. (i had a one night stand while drunk that ended pretty much as soon as the physical act had begun and i was bawling and crying and begging forgiveness b/c i was in shock at what i had done. i told him about it and i asked forgiveness and he gave it to me and said he wanted to stay with me. now he's using ita gainst me. it happened 7 years ago) he also says i've always been controlling and selfish. that is true but i wasn't always like that. i made many mistakes but i have always wanted to make our relationship better. i have been so sorry for the damage i've done and i've wanted to work on making our marriage better. but according to him maybe there is no marriage. someone help me to see truth. what should i do?

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Type: Question • Score: 14 • Views: 16,457 • Replies: 44

@Tinkerbell1981,

Quote:

someone help me to see truth.

If someone other than you had written the above post, how would you answer their request for help to see the truth? What would you tell them?

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Ok, first of all, you are not the crazy one. He is. The marriage is certainly valid. What you did before getting married has no bearing on whether the marriage is valid "in the sight of God." If what you did prior to getting married had any bearing in the validity of the marriage in God's sight, then very few marriages in this country would be valid in God's sight.

I think he is caught up in the idea that having this close female friend makes him feel sought after and pursued. Who knows? Maybe he is burdened by the thought of his growing family and she is an escape from the reality of life. In any case, the bottom line is whether he wants to keep his marriage alive. Talk to him about getting some counseling. If he is agreeable to that, then maybe the counselor can help him see that this other relationship, whether sexual or not, is damaging his relationship with you and the kids.

If all you have described is accurate, then I don't think this situation will suddenly resolve itself in a moment of realization on his part that he is the problem and not you and your past.

Good luck to you. I'm sure others will chime in after me and you will get even better advice than what I have offered.

1 Reply

I don't think anyone is going to offer you any better advice than Coastal Rat has given you. Listen to him.

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@CoastalRat,

Thank you for your reply. I agree with you. We did go see a pastor for some counseling and he basically ignored the fact that he is in an emotional affair with this other woman and said that he validated my husband's feelings and told me to repent of my sins as a wife and to be the best wife i can be to try to get him away from this other woman. he said if i tell him not to talk to her or see her then he'll only want to do it more. this is bullshit to me. complete bullshit. but my husband loves it. he says he owes me nothing because of all the stuff i've done in the past and because he says i was always the selfish one so he doesn't owe me ANYTHING. he is caught up with thinking God might not have "validated" our marriage therefore i really don't have authority as his wife and he can do what he wants in his eyes. so he won't stop. he's going to see her, today in fact. he's choosing her over me. and he uses God to justify himself and uses my past sins against me to justify this relationship. he thinks God is okay with this emotional affair. oh wait, i remember. he said that he doesn't "believe" in emotional affairs. and denies having one. so, is there any hope. i'm beginning to think there is not.

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@Tinkerbell1981,

Quote:

he is caught up with thinking God might not have "validated" our marriage therefore i really don't have authority as his wife and he can do what he wants in his eyes

That's some bullshit if I've ever heard it - watch out, dude is yanking you along.

Cycloptichorn

1 Reply

@Tinkerbell1981,

I agree with Coastal Rat, but would add something more. Your husband is using his religion as a way of excusing his behavior.

What you did was nothing wrong. Many young people have more than one "fling" before they settle down. Your husband is throwing the blame on you for being honest with him, while he is not being honest with you. Personally, it sounds to me that if you both do not get some serious counselling, he will use that one act to intimidate you throughout your entire marriage. You need to decide if you want to live in a situation like that.

IMO the best situation is for the two of you to get counselling. I would suggest that the therapy be given through a secular, and not religious organization.

If he refuses to get counselling, if I were you, I would get and attorney, and a therapist who would help you through this trying time.

I am more concerned about his dishonesty than the relationship. Many couples have gone through rough patches and saved marriages. IMO, your husband is a pious hypocrite.

One way or the other, you WILL get through this. The important thing is for you to know if you WANT to save this marriage. It is up to you. Good luck!

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@Tinkerbell1981,

I guess I should have asked what church you and your husband are affiliated with. Frankly, based on what you say the minister said, I doubt it is what I would call a mainstream Christian church. That being the case (as it seems to me at this point) then you are fighting a losing battle. You could try to get him to see a non-clergy counselor, but I'm doubting that will gain much traction at this point.

I don't have much else to offer except to reinforce the fact that you are not to blame for what is happening if all you have written is the whole story.

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@CoastalRat,

Yes I have told the whole story. The fact that I didn't tell him about the thing from college. then after we were married I had a one night stand while drunk and the thing ended about as soon as it began and I came home and told him everything within a week, it just took some time to tell him everything. but i did and he forgave me. we moved forward. i was controlling at times and i was very selfish at times and we fought a lot at times but i don't think those are reasons for a divorce. i was always willing to work things out and to be a better wife. now he is going over and over in his head about how "bad" our relationship was. it wasn't all bad and wasn't all good. this woman has a hold on him and i know it. he thinks i'm an idiot. all he can talk about is how he's not sure ( i know here it is again) that our marriage is valid and feels he never would have dated me had he known what happened in college before i was with him. what a joke if you ask me. and then he drones on and on about how he was cheated on and how i was so selfish and he was always selfless. now he says he is tired of ignoring his feelings and he can't do it anymore. he says he's waiting for "god" to show him whether he should be with me. if there is no hope then i guess i should just leave.

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@Cycloptichorn,

yeah but he is real good at making me feel like that might be the truth. he brings up all the bad stuff i've done and tells me that if anyone heard HIS perspective then they would agree with what he is doing. i don't believe that for one second. i can list all my sins and failures and i still know that it won't justify what he is doing. in your opinion do you think he is just yanking me along so he can have his little gf and have me here as well so he can be with his sons? because that is what it feels like. although he still tells me he "loves" me and blah blah blah. i dont even believe that either. if he loved me he wouldn't be doing this to me.

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@Phoenix32890,

So if he refuses counseling you think that it's pretty much hopeless right? that would mean he's choosing her over our marriage and our family. I am pregnant with our 3rd baby, due in 8 weeks. My family wants me to come home and let him sit here in his own crap. he says it will not go well for me if i leave and that that will be the beginning of the end. he doesn't want me to go but i don't know why. probably just to see his sons. he says to "give him time" to "sort out his feelings and process everything". if i go will i wreck any chance at saving the marriage. because if i go it won't be for a divorce just to get away from him and this crap. or i can stay. i told him if i stay til the baby is born and he is still talking to her then i'm gone. is that a good plan.

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If I were in this situation, I would start the process of filing for divorce.

If he wants to save the marriage, then he can do what he has to before the divorce finalizes. If he decides the marriage was never valid, then so be it.

It is complete BS to hold something that happened before you were married over your head like this-- and there is no way that you should be forced to wait while he screws around with another woman.

I would certainly be filing for divorce (after this BS, I am not sure I would even give him another chance).

1 Reply

@Tinkerbell1981,

I'd go home to your family because it sounds like you are not going to be getting any emotional support from him at this time. Tell him he can have time to "sort out his feelings and process everything" but that you are not going to wait around and be subjected to his emotional battering and blame game for things that happened before you married him. He is trying to create guilt feelings on your part in order to exert control. That isn't love.

Word of warning though. Whatever you do, leave or stay, comes with possible consequences. Be aware that leaving, even if just to get away from it all for a while, could cause him to say the heck with you. Make sure the possible consequences are acceptable before you do anything. Again, I wish you well. You don't need to be dealing with this 7 months into your pregnancy.

1 Reply

@Tinkerbell1981,

Tinkerbell1981 wrote:

So if he refuses counseling you think that it's pretty much hopeless right? that would mean he's choosing her over our marriage and our family. I am pregnant with our 3rd baby, due in 8 weeks. My family wants me to come home and let him sit here in his own crap. he says it will not go well for me if i leave and that that will be the beginning of the end. he doesn't want me to go but i don't know why. probably just to see his sons. he says to "give him time" to "sort out his feelings and process everything". if i go will i wreck any chance at saving the marriage. because if i go it won't be for a divorce just to get away from him and this crap. or i can stay. i told him if i stay til the baby is born and he is still talking to her then i'm gone. is that a good plan.

At the very least, you might want to take a look at your financial situation and do what you need to do to protect yourself in the event that he wants this extra time so he'll be able to clean out joint bank accounts, hide assets, etc. Make sure both signatures are required for sales and withdrawals on joint accounts. Monitor joint credit cards, cell phones and other similar accounts to be sure he isn't running up the balances. Make sure it requires both signatures to close an account, etc.

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@ebrown p,

I can understand why that would be something a lot of people would do. I am scared to do it. I really don't want a divorce. I guess I'm just trying right now to get all the evidence I can against him-hard proof so he can't deny it- and then I'll go from there. If he is truly sorry and realizes what he has done I MIGHT give him a 2nd chance. But I know I would definitley be going home for awhile. This is just such BS. I am going to start hating him if I dont find out the truth real quick. thank you for your advice.

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@CoastalRat,

Thank you for all your advice. I am glad to know that I am NOT crazy. Because he has made me feel like absolute CRAP and has made me feel very crazy. I understand your point about me leaving and him saying to heck with me. He's already made that threat. He says it will be over and hell to pay if I leave. That is part of the reason I'm staying. I guess I can be a martyr till the baby comes. Once I gather all the hard evidence I will confront him and let him know what I know little by little, that way he can't make up any BS stories to fit the evidence. I will know the whole truth soon enough. I know it in my heart but I will feel better having it on paper. Then I can let him know that this is on HIM and not on ME and he won't be able to deny it. That would be like chocolate cake to me right now. Again, thank you for all your advice.

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Damn, if I had to fess up to everything I did in college and everything I did with women from the age of 16 to the present I would be spending weeks just telling the stories! I can't even remember some of them! He sounds like a totally screwed up guy. His "faith" is totally misguided.

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@Tinkerbell1981,

Definitely good advice here, I did want to quote this though since it seems to get passed over:

Tinkerbell1981 wrote:

then after we were married I had a one night stand while drunk and the thing ended about as soon as it began and I came home and told him everything within a week, it just took some time to tell him everything. but i did and he forgave me. we moved forward.

Emphasis mine.

He sounds like he's handling this spectacularly badly but it also sounds like the one-night-stand you had after you were married really gnaws at him, which certainly happens. Doesn't make much rational sense for him to worry at the episode from before you knew him, but perhaps that's how his feelings are coming out about the one-night stand you had, who knows. (Did you have any sort of an agreement after "moving forward" to not bring it up again, anything like that?)

At any rate this does sound like a tough situation and I think counseling is the best way out of it, but if he continues to be a jerk about that, your options are limited.

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I have been trying to be quiet as I am very different from you, Tinkerbell, and have been hoping someone else who would understand my point of view would come along and just say what I think for me in better words - on the other hand, I haven't looked at the last batch of posts.

I think that your husband's particular religion (many others would not) has helped support his opinions, but that just adds on to what are his natural issues toward being in control.

I think you need to inform yourself about this kind of control and stop blaming yourself for your one or two reachings out in life in the past. The second one, um..., but the first is Control Issue City.
I also see your husband as dangerous to you and your children, though I can understand your disagreeing.
You mentioned your own kind of control attempts. I think of them as self defense. I say that as a woman who doesn't post on the woman's side in any kind of automatic way.

I would like to see you leave, including with the kids, but that could be hard even if you suddenly agreed with me. If you do, look into it first. There are support systems out there for women who need to leave. Others here at a2k have useful links and will probably show up to post - the people at these helplines are experienced in these situations.

As others said, I wouldn't run to a religious place, I'd run to a general women's help place. Religions vary. Coastal Rat is religious, and he expresses some doubt on this religious justification of shutting you down, too. That pastor is part of the problem.

On the emotional affair of the husband, I'd say good riddance - let it play, and get your ducks in line in the meantime.

At the least, you are not crazy.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

I take that back, others didn't say to run to a religious place. But others did question the pastor as some kind of wise person.

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My husband denies an emotional affair.

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