My husband denies an emotional affair.

Hi vikorr,

thank you for your response. i appreciate the advice and the encouragement. let me tell you, i know that if you heard his side of the story you might think he was justified for what he is doing. if returning evil with evil is a good thing. which i believe it is not. i put all the facts out there. i have hurt him and he has let it fester inside him for years. he should have been more forthcoming with how he felt and we could have gotten counseling much sooner. all of the bad things i've done as a wife i have stated in my original post. if he was telling the story it would be the same except he would make it sound much worse to use to his advantage. i've said it before and i'll say it again. if he had done everything that i've done to him i still would NEVER say our marriage was invalid or that i was thinking about leaving. NEVER. i do not believe in giving up on your husband or wife. i LOVE him with all my heart. yes i made mistakes. yes i was a very selfish person at times. yes i did hold back the information about college, yes i had a one night stand (i was an alcoholic at that point in my life and this was MY sickness,...not his. and what i did was because of MY emotional problems. not his. he was not the problem. but he forgave me for it. he didn't heal properly b/c he iddn't get counsel. he should have come to me so we could go to counseling) yes i was manipulative during arguments and yes at times i tried to control him. after my one night stand i became paranoid that he would get revenge on me and this is part of the reason i became so accusatory towards him and why i tried to control him. i was scared he would do the same or worse to me. i was horrified that i did such a thing. truth is, as soon as the actual physical act of adultery was taking place it ended just as soon. i was crying and i got up and got out and drove home, crying the whole way asking forgiveness from God. i was devastated at my own actions and i was even more devastated to know i was going to hurt my husband with this information. it was gut wrenching. but i do know that married couples can overcome anything if they actually work at it. i know couples who have gotten through much worse. i want to be married to him. i love him. i know that this abusive person that he is being is not really him. i know deep down he truly loves me even if he is burying that and not really loving me right. love is an action, not a feeling. my feelings will follow my actions. if i am unloving towards him then i will feel less love for him. if i am loving towards him i will feel more love for him. it is the same for him. he made the choice to be cold and distant and to throw things in my face. he made the choice to get close to another woman. he chose to NOT love me because he feels "hurt". well, he can be hurt but he should have sought out a counselor or close male friend. not a woman. he knows he belongs with me and our sons. that is the truth. but i will not stay with him if he does not change this. i have put a time limit on it. once the baby is one month old and is nursing well, i will leave if he is still talking to that woman and is closer to her. that is when i'll play hardball with him. right now i'm going to be the best i can be and i'll fake it til i make it. either way. i will go down with this ship. seems he wouldn't go down with me. but maybe taht will change. i LOVE him. truly, i do.

Hi Tinkerbell, actually if he described it similar to you " I would not see it ‘to his advantage’. I’ve read the description you provided of your marriage, alcoholism, manipulative/controlling nature (which is usually an extension of alcoholism btw, as addicts wish to see themselves as victims) etc.

However, what I meant was, there are often other, human perspectives, that people often won’t even tell their spouse, because it makes them too vulnerable, or brings forth feelings of guilt, or causes conflict (or for other similar reasons), that they will tell others.


I’m sorry, but this is absolutely wrong. This is your husband, or at least one aspect of him. Seriously, if it’s not him, who is it? Hitler? (all right, I’m being somewhat facetious, but you must know that these things come from deep inside him. They are driven by his emotions. He is capable of behaving this way, and in fact is doing so)


I’ve heard this before, and it’s only one half of the coin. Your mind affects your body, and your body affects your mind. Love affects your actions, and actions affect your love.

You<-->relationship<--->Him
Also, so you can see how this works, I see the relationship as a dynamic living organism (well, okay, it's not literally, but bear with me). Both you and he contribute your individuality to the relationship (and this part is important, because I've seen either husband or wife live in their partners world, and cease to contribute their own individuality, and you can guess how draining that is on the other). So you contribute your individuality towards the health of the relationship, and the relationship in turn nourishes you. You show an act of love...which in turn he sees and translates into him as feelings of love (unless other things in the 'relationship' combat and neutralise that). He shows love to you and you feel love. The nourishment that his actions have given you, in the form of feelings of love inside you, inspire you to act out your feelings of love back towards him...etc

(By the way, the process of falling in love is a bit more complicated than that, but that's another discussion entirely)

So you see, Love is both the feeling and the action. But it's pointless if it's just the feeling, with no expression...hence people often try and correct the balance by saying 'love is an act'...when it is in fact, both the feeling and the act.

Something you may need to know " and a major reason I encourage people to stand up for themselves. Many people stop at ‘The act of love inspires love’, without understanding how far ‘the body/act affects the mind goes’. Many people also know that if you behave with confidence in an area of your life, you start feeling confidence in that area...but they dont’ take these thoughts to their obvious conclusion about the rest of their lives.

If you hold deeply religious beliefs, say (as an easy topic to see how this works) you strongly believe in not having affairs, but in your marriage you are drastically deprived of your emotional needs for many years, and someone comes along that meets them, and you end up having an affair. A one off affair you can explain away without changing your beliefs, even though it may trouble you. A second affair and you start wondering about your beliefs. A third, and you will change your beliefs (we all want to see ourselves as good)...this is your actions affecting your beliefs. If someone treats you with disrespect. If you don’t say anything, you can explain it away as a once off. They treat you with disrespect twice and you become unhappy, but many attempt to ‘reason it away’. Three times, and despite your ‘reasoning it away’, a part of your mind starts to believe that you deserve that disrespect. The same applies for abuse " allowing abuse can lead a part of you to believe that you deserve to be abused. The same for anything else that happens to you in your life.
So this ‘body/act affects mind’ means everything you do affects everything you think, feel, value, and believe.

On the flip side, your mind affects your body/actions - If you engage in self deception (say like when you were an alcoholic, pretending to be a victim) it will affect everything you do.

That’s the short version, with unfortunately few stories of how it works. When you come to a deep understanding of this, you also will realise that knowing yourself, and being true to yourself is a bedrock foundation upon which you can build your life as the person you were meant to be (well, it takes a bit of working with your fears as well, but as you become truer to yourself you start to become aware of them and work with them anyway)

It's the first time, I read through your story and I feel very sorry. I was pretty much like you 2 years ago. It's like going through hell. Worst of all, you're expecting. Your husband has been a dumb idiot after you discovered his "emotional affair/discreet friendship". No matter how pure/clean his relationship with that woman. He's the one to be blamed for hurting his expecting wife with dumbshit excuses.
I know you still love your husband and I'd like to support you.

Can I ask?
Does your husband still love you?

Your husband is clearly the one with the problem. He's latched onto this unimportant event in your past to justify what he is doing. It sounds like he's having an affair. Perhaps he needs reminding that HE is the one being selfish and that he's not only doing this to you, but to your kids as well.

I feel sad about what he's doing to you and the kids.
A man of God would think of his promise to HIM and YOU first, and of course the kids! He is justifying what do did 2 what he is doing now.
The marriage is a big thing in God eyes. No woman deserves to feel 2nd best.
You are the most important woman in his life! A man and a woman according to God is ONE flesh, and cannot be separated what HE put together.
He need to realize that he is destroying his family. HE and the other woman( God will punish her for interfering in the marriage and him for allowing it.)

None is your fault! You have confessed your sins, and he forgave you. And now he takes it back? He doesn't have a past? You are not perfect, but you where honest and he isn't!

Please read God Devine Orders and show him.