I want to abuse my girlfriend.

Move out if need be. Do not harm that person.

I will move out as soon as I can. And I know not to "harm that person". I'm not stupid.

first, please tell your counselor about your fantasies, if you have not already.

I would suggest some physically demanding activity when you feel these thoughts coming on. (i'd go chop wood)

but mebbe a less violent activity would be better than that.

if your girlfriend knew why you were chopping wood, she would run like the wind...

Thank you, Rockhead.

I don't think she would run like the wind, however. She has hit me before. It's very toxic, and very complicated.

Get out Get out Get out!

Why don't you tell her what your thoughts are? You say that you understand it's your problem and not her's - but she's the one who is in danger of being hurt- so it's definitely a problem she should be aware of.

If I were living with someone who was having fantasies of hurting me, I would want to know so I could make an informed decision about my own safety.

I think it's important that you're showing such insight before the fact, but you should use that insight to do what you can to prevent something you obviously do not want to happen- you don't want to hurt her and you don't want her to be hurt. That's the message I'm getting from what you've written.

If you love her - tell her, 'I don't know why and I hate the fact that this is happening, but I fantasize about hurting you.'

If you can't leave - give her the chance to leave.

Having been in more than one toxic relationship, I echo LOUDLY lil'K's advice.

separate and figure it out before someone gets hurt.

please...

He's sure as hell not going to figure it out in the relationship that he describes.

And please don't bash me. I'm not a bad person. I am going through something very difficult that she apparently cannot understand or tolerate. If I had the money I would check into a motel. If I had any friends I would sleep on their sofa.
I came on here to distract myself and to hopefully get some good advice. Physical activity (like chopping wood) is a good idea, but I am also extremely fatigued all the time, so it isn't really very appealing. However, I agree it is better than the alternative, so I'll definitely keep it in mind. Maybe a bike ride would do me some good... help me clear my head.

exercise might relieve the fatigue as well, echi.

it's weird that way.

something to clear some positive free space in your head for a bit...

Actually, I have told her those things, and she doesn't take me seriously. I don't know how to make her understand. She has hit me before, and I think she believes that she could knock me the f*ck out. She doesn't get it, which as you may imagine, is very frustrating for me.

Neither is she.

The last time she hit me was when I was trying to leave (about a year ago). She sucker-punched me in the back and I went down like a rock.

echi, I have a 2 inch scar above and behind my right ear.

I would be dead had I not hid the bullets.

please find somewhere else to be while you find your peace.

I hear you.

frustration can create quite a lot of anger.

Create a plan for yourself in your mind. What are the things you can do to protect yourself until you can move out. Do you have an exit strategy? If she is abusive and your fear for your safety you can take legal means to keep her away from you. You already know you need to leave.

I don't know what the answer is then except to just remove yourself from the source of the frustration. It sounds pretty awful. I wish you luck.

I do love her. I would never dream of seriously injuring her. She loves me, too. I think we both want to work out our issues, but we are unable to communicate with each other. It's very weird. It's very frustrating. I feel like she doesn't take me seriously when I try to express how I'm feeling. Instead, she puts me down or just shuts me out completely... she just goes cold... she doesn't want to hear it, but she doesn't want to break up, either. She is emphatic in both extremes. Meanwhile, I have psychological and medical issues that I am actively trying to resolve, and I need her support. We've been together for around ten years. My mind is so fragile that I am afraid of what might happen to me if I leave... for all our problems, our home is still our home.