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What's wrong with me?

 
 
Reply Thu 21 Jan, 2016 02:58 pm
I'd like to get the answer to a question which is very hard for me and it took me a while to finally get coreagous enough to write.

So when I was a child (I'm 20 now) I've been molested by my uncle (he touched my butt, slapped it, kissed me, hugged forcefully, stared at me while taking a bath etc.)
When I was 17/18 I've been meeting a guy whhom I got to know from website connected to bdsm. I fell in love with him and love my virginity to him. After few months he started sexually abusing me. He forced me to do many things, anally and orally raped me.
That all was hard but now I got much better.

However, mostly what turns me on is fantasizing about force and being tied up. Sometimes I also imagine kids taking part in things (but i never imagine specific people) and If i did I know i find it gross and horrible. I'd never touch or hurt anyone. Im sure about that.
However it makes me feel guilty just having this kind of thoughts.

Do You think It might be connected to my past? Or am I a psycho?
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Type: Question • Score: 1 • Views: 695 • Replies: 4

 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Thu 21 Jan, 2016 03:03 pm
@sorandom,
You need to talk to a licensed professional therapist about what happened to you, and about the fantasies you are having now.
ossobuco
 
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Reply Thu 21 Jan, 2016 03:58 pm
@jespah,
I agree with Jespah re getting licensed professional therapeutic help. For what kind of therapist, I'm no expert on which type therapist is best for this situation. It might be that that there is a professional board of psychologists or psychotherapists that could lead you to a local list of therapists who specialize in helping people who have been through what you have. If you have an m.d. you like and could stand to approach to ask, that m.d. might have suggestions for who to see, maybe to someone who knows more than he or she does.

You're not psycho, but you are affected by all that happened. I'm no expert, but there are people out there who can help you.
Not to be nosy, but are you in a small town with low population all around it, a giant city with a lot of professional health care/social service people, in a college or university setting? Not to say just where you are - this site has posters from all over the world - but to give people who see your post an idea of how to advise/comment.

Also, I'm glad you posted.
sorandom
 
  1  
Reply Thu 21 Jan, 2016 04:04 pm
@ossobuco,
I live in a big city and I'm a student at uni
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Thu 21 Jan, 2016 04:18 pm
@sorandom,
Then maybe, depending on the university, a student health center counselor or a regular academic counselor could help suggest what kind of counselor to search out. I went to a big uni, also worked a lot, and never talked to a counselor, being busy and also resistant (I'm old now, and it might have helped if I did). On the student health center, the only time I was there was when I was wildly nauseous from menstrual cramps and threw up in a telephone booth in the waiting area before I could be seen, and left (bad me). Depending on the university, they have seen everything and are not likely to be judgemental unless you throw up on their telephone system.

On the other hand, a big city, check your phone book/online for therapists and possible State Boards to call and question.
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