I want to abuse my girlfriend.

Thanks, mm25075.
I am working on an exit strategy. I think it will take about another month.
As for being afraid of her, physically... no, I absolutely am not. I have been a punching bag, but I do not fear her, at all (physically). This is what I think she fails to realize.

my best advice (take it for what it is worth, I have been judged as relationship unworthy) is this.

Be as honest as possible, and communicate even if it is harder than hell...

and walk away when those feelings show themselves at all.

good luck.

Does the potential cost of moving (quickly) matter in comparison to an impending scenario where physical harm is likely to occur to either one of you?

Forget the practicality or affordability. Moving out ASAP is a far better alternative than a scenario where living with someone causes physical harm.

Stop rationalizing by saying you can't afford it! You seem to want to debate this and analyze it! You can't afford NOT to get out. Stop trying to figure it out while you're in it - as though it'll all settle down nicey-nicely. I think you've already figured out that you're both living with a toxic relationship.

A year from now you might understand it better, but based on what you wrote it'd better that you looked back at this in the luxury of each others' (relatively safe) absence.

You have contradicted yourself: you say in an early post that you fantasize about harming her physically. With your most recent post you say you never would dream of doing that. Which is it?

You can't have it both ways. If you truly have serious emotional issues (you've convinced me), stay with your professional appointments and also move out. You sound as though you need to get your head on straight in the absence of someone who complicates it- her!

Isn't your therapist advising you on this issue? They'd know more and could help more than what ever anyone here could effectively advise you on. what does your therapist say about you moving out?

Thanks, aidan. It's not too awful compared to how it could become. I always try to keep that in mind. And I have a good supply of benzodiazepines that work to keep me sufficiently sedated... unfortunately, they also trigger (very uncharacteristic) crying spells, which I do not enjoy (and which she does not even notice... we're usually in separate rooms).

Thanks for the kind advice, everyone. I'm going to take a bike ride, now.

Escalation of violence might occur more rapidly than what you EVER think. Why is it that you think you're safe -- or that she is? Have you no grasp of violence and volatility? Read the papers and the media for bad examples. You or she could become a statistic.

Echi, I'm worried for you AND her. I didn't mean to sound harsh. I certainly wasn't bashing you. I know from being in bad relationships that you can't fix problems this bad while living together. You need the separation of distance and time to be able to come at the whole shebang with a clearer perspective.

I won't let your idiotic reply interrupt my relaxing bike ride. If your reading skills are not up to par, maybe another member can help you figure out what you are missing. If not, I shall return later and do it myself.

<sigh> Once again I am in awe of people who are in danger who ASK for advice and then belittle the person who attempts to advise them. I understand you feel crtiicized, but I'm not the one who is danger or could endanger someone else. I'm not asking for advise here - you are!

You and she are in danger. Don't waste your time online attacking or attemtping to invalidate someone who simply is offering advice that YOU asked for. Tell me you disagree and then move on to another psot if you don't agree.

You can't or don't seem to grasp you own contradictions and dangerous predicament. I'm just reading and reflecting back on your own words.

Hi, echi -
I have luckily not been in an abusive relationship, but I've been around it with a couple of family members. One situation I'm speaking of had the woman wacking out, battering the man, breaking his glasses, out in public, and the police arriving and charging both of them (if I remember right, not sure about charges but they blamed both of them). I wasn't there to see it, but I believe the guy didn't touch her, just warded her off except perhaps with words, as it fit my experience with them separately and together. I liked or somewhat understood both of them, far as that goes, but they were toxic together.

I agree with the leave! comments, know it can be hard sans resources.


oops, not a response to Ragman

What an awful state for you to be in Echi. I am very sorry you are having to deal with this. Well done for asking for help.


If you can't exercise too much, here's some other ideas: (But exercise will help both the depression and the anxiety, over time.)

http://www.wwu.edu/chw/counseling/subpages/subselfhelp/selfsoothing.shtml


http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/distracting___self_soothing.html

http://www.borderlinepersonality.ca/borderselfsoothe.htm


(Some of these are for borderlines...I am NOT saying you are borderline, but these things can help any of us)

Are you learning mindfulness skills in therapy?

Again, please don't be put off by the Borderline stuff, these skills are being used for anyone with anxiety, depression etc:


http://bpd.about.com/od/livingwithbpd/a/mindfulness.htm

http://www.mindfulness.org.au/articles.html

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/mindfulness.html

http://www.dbtsf.com/mindfulness.htm





CDs and books are readily available.


Do you have a crisis plan?

You need, as RH said, to be absolutely frank with your therapist, and work one out.

In the meantime, you need to work out what will be the cues to tell you to GET OUT...even if only for a walk.

I assume wherever you are has a Lifeline? Use it if necessary.

And stop the fantasies. You can either move your mind to somewhere else when you notice them happening, or, if you use the mindfulness stuff, accept them, and return to your mindfulness practice. It is not good just to dwell on them.


Good luck Echi.

And I had missed one of your posts, echi. I see the complications and your comments about your own fragility now. But, I still say "move away". Don't get caught in some kind of downward love spiral. You probably both need help but.. separately.

I misfired. Sorry, LittleK - my reply clearly is not directed towards you. I didn't notice that 'til it was too late.

You're being confrontational, and this is not really the thread for that... agreed? There are plenty of other threads in which your manner of debate and agitation would probably be beneficial.
To your point about my contradictions, I was simply stating that I do, in fact, fantasize about harming her physically, but I don't carry it beyond that. I would never "dream" of really doing anything like that. In other words, I don't sit around making plans of attack and such. Apparently, my choice of words was careless, but I'll bet nearly everyone else was able to easily decipher my meaning.
In any case, I hope we are clear now... and finished.

No harm, no foul, littlek. I think you are right. Thank you.

Correction:
I said I was getting psychological help. I'm not. I'm going to see a psychiatrist in a few weeks, and I've been seeing a General Practitioner who's been prescribing psychiatric medications and vitamins (for some reason I had a Vitamin D level of 8!).
BTW-- The bike ride was a great idea.

Echi - you were so vague at the first, I wondered if you felt this way during rough sex or you were planning to kill her in her sleep!!

Instead, it seems that you two have a history of dealing with conflict with physical altercations. Lack of communication on both parts - and your depression and physical issues - are adding to the problems.

You both need to go to counseling and in the meantime, must agree that physical abuse is a no-no for the two of you, no matter how rough things get.

Learn to go for a walk or take a shower when things get out of control If she is not listening to you about the seriousness of this, time to leave.

Glad re the bike ride.

While I haven't been in your exact dilemma, I've been through a bunch of stress over time, and worked a lot of it out by running/jogging/walking. Not that any one time fixes you up neat and tidy for good, but that I worked the disappointments and hurts and anger to dealable levels over time.. Might have happened anyway, but I'm glad you found this outlet.

Rough sex?! I wish. We haven't had sex in months. We barely even kiss. Hell, we barely even touch each other. I guess we've just become accustomed to each other... there's an undeniable sense of comfort there that we both need.
Joint counseling is a great idea... I hope she will go for it.

Thanks, osso.
You know, she's in there making tacos right now. They smell so good, but I can't eat any because we haven't been getting along at all today. Maybe it's her way of making nice? I wish she would offer me some. Feels like we're playing mind-games. (I'm sooooo hungry!!)