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Australia: Come Naked!

 
 
Reply Thu 19 Nov, 2009 10:20 am
I found this in today's paper. So funny.

Quote:
If my name is Sydney, do I get free meals?
By The Oregonian
November 19, 2009, 3:32AM

Join us now as we check out questions and answers on an Australian tourism Web site.

Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (From the U.S.)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here, and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (U.S.)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney -- can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles; take lots of water.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (U.S.)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (U.S.)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year-round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (U.S.)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (U.S.)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (U.S.)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
 
dyslexia
 
  2  
Reply Thu 19 Nov, 2009 10:38 am
So which direction is north in Australia?
Merry Andrew
 
  2  
Reply Thu 19 Nov, 2009 11:04 am
@boomerang,
Love it. Next Tuesday. King's Cross. Naked. Be there or be square.
boomerang
 
  2  
Reply Thu 19 Nov, 2009 11:13 am
@Merry Andrew,
Are there gum trees at King's Cross? I'm afraid of the drop bears.
Tai Chi
 
  2  
Reply Thu 19 Nov, 2009 11:16 am
@boomerang,
Gum drop bears might be okay.
Tai Chi
 
  1  
Reply Thu 19 Nov, 2009 11:19 am
@Tai Chi,
http://www.fotosearch.com/bthumb/STK/STK014/LPS1488.jpg

Mmmmm
0 Replies
 
tsarstepan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 19 Nov, 2009 11:56 am
Laughing Laughing Laughing That was beautiful! Laughing Laughing Laughing
Quote:
It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Setanta
 
  5  
Reply Thu 19 Nov, 2009 02:22 pm
This is apparently exemplary of the Australian sense of humour (they misspell that word along with a host of others). Here is a similar tale from the mechanics at Quantas, which was a popular e-mail several years back:

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet", which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the "gripe sheets" before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
0 Replies
 
boomerang
 
  1  
Reply Thu 19 Nov, 2009 02:54 pm
Hilarous! Thanks, Set.

It makes me want to go to Australia!
tsarstepan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 19 Nov, 2009 02:57 pm
@boomerang,
Yeah and fly in on Qantas Airways as well.... Wink
Merry Andrew
 
  1  
Reply Thu 19 Nov, 2009 03:17 pm
@tsarstepan,
See y'all at King's Cross Tuesday!

(Great stuff, Set. Thnx.)
tsarstepan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 19 Nov, 2009 03:18 pm
@Merry Andrew,
I don't have to worry about bring too much luggage, don't I? Especially with such loose dress codes! Wink
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 19 Nov, 2009 03:22 pm
@dyslexia,
dyslexia wrote:

So which direction is north in Australia?


Head East, and turn 90 degrees to your left.
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 19 Nov, 2009 03:24 pm
@boomerang,
boomerang wrote:

Are there gum trees at King's Cross? I'm afraid of the drop bears.


They have special drop bear squads which check the trees daily for drop bears.
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 19 Nov, 2009 03:24 pm
@Tai Chi,
Tai Chi wrote:

Gum drop bears might be okay.


You wish.
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 19 Nov, 2009 03:25 pm
@tsarstepan,
tsarstepan wrote:

Laughing Laughing Laughing That was beautiful! Laughing Laughing Laughing
Quote:
It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.




Wait until you see your first kangarilla.

Shocked
tsarstepan
 
  3  
Reply Thu 19 Nov, 2009 03:27 pm
@dlowan,
http://www.kangarilla.com/images/kang_best.jpg
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 19 Nov, 2009 03:31 pm
@tsarstepan,
tsarstepan wrote:

http://www.kangarilla.com/images/kang_best.jpg


Oh good lord...that one's just a bad photoshop.


If you see one you're generally dead, so there are few photos, and I can't find one online.


tsarstepan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 19 Nov, 2009 04:43 pm
@dlowan,
I take pride that this isn't my work of crappy photoshop art.

Why do I imagine that the bad breath of these vile creatures would kill you before they even could kangaroo punch you out.
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 19 Nov, 2009 04:57 pm
@tsarstepan,
Oh, I knew YOU would never create such an abortion of a creature.

I am happy (and lucky) to say that I have never been close enough to a kangarilla to smell its breath.

They are said to reek of the charnel house and shambles.


Actually, it is probably unfair to thusly finger the gorilla, they being peaceful vegetarians....perhaps the beast ought rather be called a chimparoo?
0 Replies
 
 

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