How do you know if she's the one?

Do you have specific qualities that you are looking for, which are lacking in this person? Or are you just worried in a general fashion?

If it's the second, then I'd say you may just be afraid of commitment; the first, signs of deeper problems.

Cycloptichorn

It's less about the qaulities and more about how I feel about her. I love her, I love our life, but I feel like the attraction is gone.

Gone? Completely?

That's bad, if so.

If it's just the regular passing of the 1-2 year period of chemical delirium (dlowan has a better phrase for this, I forget it right now though), that's very normal. And if you exit this relationship because of it, it'll hit at the 1-2 year mark of your next relationship. And on and on. Which could be fine, if that's what you want.

I do get that when you meet someone when you're that young, though, it is especially hard to decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. I met my husband when I was 21, and had to really think about it. But 17 years on, I'm happy I decided to marry him.

I did have a significant relationship already before I met him which I thinks helped. If this is your only significant relationship, that's harder.

Pff, that's normal bro. After 5 years the excitement is gone out of any relationship.

I think you may need to attempt to find new and exciting ways to interact with her, in order to see if the problems are inherent or simply situational. If you can't remedy the feelings by changing your routine or behavior, then maybe it's time for someone else.

Cycloptichorn

go for it, you're young, always best to get the first divorce out of the way early before you have too much to lose

the rest will get easier after that

I feel like that's a big part of it. It sort of feels like I'm buying the first house I looked at (to over simplify). I don't feel like it's completely gone- it's just different. We live our lives as if we were already married (money, dedication, friends, etc.) and I just feel like I'm missing out on the single experience. But I also don't want to throw it all away for something that superficial. But when I think about her I don't get that excited, in-love feeling that I once did. Is that just the relationship maturing? I sort of crept up on me if that's the case.

I get your dilemma. I kind of want to put you in touch with my old boyfriend, the major relationship I had before I met my husband. He's (unhappily) single after all this time (18 years I guess), facing 40 without a family yet, etc. He's the one who instigated the breakup for exactly those reasons.

But I get why that'd be extra hard for you.

It's hard to know, from a distance, whether what you're talking about is normal and you'd be silly to throw away the relationship over it, or whether it's something more severe. You don't want to marry someone you're not attracted to.

Thanks for the advice and perspective. It's just difficult to know. Sometimes I feel that I'm overthinking things and other times I feel like I'm ignoring the what's obvious to me becasue breaking up is so hard and costly. I have felt so certain of both at different times.

Yeah. I really do understand what you mean.

I'm not coming up with any bright ideas on how to decide once and for all. Maybe a pro/con list? A bit cold and incomplete but can help clarify things in your own mind...

I'm not sure why you've put yourself at the point of deciding it's time to move forward or not. Why now? Why not last year or next year? Are you contemplating having children? If not, then I don't see why you can't continue as you are until your inner voices give you a better sense of direction.

If you are considering children then I would absolutely suggest waiting until you're more comfortable in committing to a long term relationship before becoming parents.

Also... I'm big on listening to inner voices. I don't necessarily think it means you're over thinking the situation. I think they're telling you something. The dilemma is deciding if they're telling you you have a fear of marriage/commitment in general or a fear of regret later. What are your voices telling you?

Life is best lived looking forward. You feel you're at a fork in the road. Whichever path you choose can be the right path if you drive the bus by looking forward with only an occasional glimpse in the rear view mirror. Spending most of your time looking back or second guessing yourself is a sure path to misery.

Two years old is probably a little too early to start boxing. I'd suggest waiting until the youngster is five or six.

All men are afraid of "marriage."

What's important in any relationship are agreements on children and finance. Those two are the biggies, but physical attraction is also important.

Both of you already know each other well enough to have shared some important issues and disagreements, and understand how you reconcile differences. If that works out for the both of you, the future should not present many problems that can't be resolved.

My childhood minister's wife gave me good advise before we got married about the seven year itch. The grass may seem greener on the other side of the fence, but people arrive at that same place with a new partner - after seven years. Some people never learn that most people suffer that seven year itch, but it's those that stick together that are happiest.

The best advise I ever heard was give 75% and take 25%; you'll win in the long run.

What wuld happen if you went somewhere away from home and worked for six months to get a different perspective on being single, yet not broke up? On the other hand it would suck to waste her time if you aren't willing to pull the trigger.

Did you think about the idea of getting some profession counseling before deciding what to do?

I do not see how it would hurt to bounce this problem off in an expert who might be able to give you some insights.

This seem to be a very important way point in your life and reaching out for that kind of help might allow you to pick the most correct road to go down.

Your health insurance plan might even cover the cost of the counseling.

The third most important thing is mutually agreed upon and adhered to levels of cleanliness - I am totally serious.

But you are so right about the rest imposter person...

Also excellent advice

How do you know who is right (or wrong) for you if you have no experience?

I am against young people committing themselves to their first relationship.
Sooner or later the "what if....." will consume your thoughts and you want to
explore other relationships. It's only natural, more so for men than women.

Don't commit yourself until you have had other relationships to compare.

Soz...it was the "approximate 2 year chemical madness" phrase you probably remember. So true.

After 5 years together, it's perfectly normal to feel comfortable and settled. The excitement phase is past, and for good reason. Our bodies couldn't take living in that heightened state permanently. We'd explode. Actually, "comfortable and settled" is good...if you had said "unhappy and unstable" I would tell you to run. But it sounds like you've built a mature relationship. Do you really want to give that up? You'd have to spend a big chunk of your life finding another relationship as good, then building it to the point where you already are now. Assuming you could find another one, that is. You might not.

On the other hand, if you're willing to trade all that for the freedom to experiment, then you need to do that.

Believe it or not, these are questions that people in good relationships ask themselves all the time...even after many years of marriage, we still wonder what it would be like to be single. Just like single people wonder what it would be like to be married. We're only human, we can't help wondering.

Here's a question: How do you think you would really feel if you broke up? If she was suddenly and totally gone from your life? Because that's what you're talking about doing. Don't even think about trying to remain "friends." That would be unforgiveably cruel to her, given her feelings for you. You'd have to make a clean break.

24 years old? Lets do a simple calculation based upon a few details and actuary tables and leave emotions aside for a while. The US male will live for 74.37 years. even the most precocious person would admit that they did not become an adult in body, and mind, and self-responsibility much before 20. That leaves a male with an adulthood of 54.37 years and you are only 4 years or 7.35% into your adult life.

You got this great chick now but you recognize that you're only in the first quarter of your adult life and you are wondering that by waiting just a little longer ms perfect could walk into your life.

Frankly deep down inside you like what you have but you simply want better. That is because you have incorporated the standard romantic metaphors into your world view of the proverbial "happy" life.

Marriage is to be survived. You have to be able recognize that it is the small things in life that make it worthwhile. If you look at your girl friend and don't want to grow old with her you will know exactly what you ought to do.

When I send my wife flowers I include the following poem to her.



If Browning's sentiments resonate in your heart when thinking about your lady, you got the whole world in your hand.

Good luck.