Didn't read all of the replies but surely someone has hit upon the idea of your age, how young you were when you started dating this woman and how long you've been together.
You need to date other people.
@eoe,
Yes I did, eoe! Starting a lasting relationship/marriage with 19 is way too
young to be tied down.
@CalamityJane,
Yea, 19 is way toooo young for any lifetime commitment; too many life changes will be happening that one doesn't realize when that young.
@cicerone imposter,
He is 24 now with 5 years into this relationship already.
He need to do some serious thinking one way or another as he and she had a lot of emotional capital invested for him to shut down this relationship before he is 100 percent sure that is the correct way to go.
I had already suggested for him to see an expert and get some counseling over this matter.
Counseling????
This just isn't that deep. Personally, I would advise against any young person tying themselves down like this, without the benefit of experience, even if they wanted to. But if he's uncertain then the answer is right there in front of his face. DON'T DO IT.
@eoe,
I like that you are so sure what he should do however my parents married when they was both 21 and remain happily so for 55 years.
When he pass my mother comment was I lost both my husband and my best friend.
@eoe,
I'm in agreement with those posters contending that uncertainty does not necessarily equal doom. But that's only because there have been times in life when I have been uncertain about something that in the end worked to my advantage.
@BillRM,
BillRM wrote:
I like that you are so sure what he should do however my parents married when they was both 21 and remain happily so for 55 years.
When he pass my mother comment was I lost both my husband and my best friend.
Granted, I don't know this person any more than you so neither of us can absolutely KNOW his situation or what he should do. As far as your parents, surely you are aware of how different life is today than when they were wed? Vast opportunities and a whole new world of possibilities exist today that simply were not feasible in 1955 or so.
If he's been uncertain for years, IT'S MY OPINION that he's wasting his time and his girlfriend's time as well and the sooner he let's both himself and her off the hook, the sooner they will both be free to find true happiness with other people, without all of the doubt and uncertainty.
cicerone imposter said:
Quote:What's important in any relationship are agreements on children and finance. Those two are the biggies, but physical attraction is also important.
kuvasz said:
Quote:You have to be able recognize that it is the small things in life that make it worthwhile. If you look at your girl friend and don't want to grow old with her you will know exactly what you ought to do.
and kuvasz also said:
Quote:If Browning's sentiments resonate in your heart when thinking about your lady, you got the whole world in your hand.
In my opinion, Browning (and kuvasz) had it right. If you can see yourselves growing old together, the rest -- agreements on finances, children, even cleanliness -- will naturally fall into place. You'll agree on those things because you'll want the "best [that] is yet to be, the last of life, for which the first was made."
@eoe,
From watching how my parents relationship did work from within the family and how their personalities complement each others I question if my father could had come up with a better mate no matter what time period he had been born into or how long he search.
In fact because of his very easy going personality if the wrong type of woman had gotten ahold of my father his life would had been hell on earth in my opinion.
Dropping a mate that fit you for the benefit of a blind search and some fun and games during that search seem kind of unwise to me.
His age is to me completely beside the point the question is if this woman someone worth spending his life with and starting a family with or not.
@eoe,
Do you think 19 and 21 are substantially different?
Genuinely asking, I'm not sure. I think they're pretty similar.
(I definitely went through the uncertainty about marrying the guy I met when I was 21 just because of age -- had I really met the person I wanted to marry already? -- but I ended up deciding that age schmage, I did want to marry him. Point is, the uncertainty was definitely there even though the resulting marriage is a happy one. And this all happened relatively recently, historically anyway -- I'm 38.)
No soz, I don't see a big difference between 19 and 21. If you were my friend back then, I would have been trying like all get out to talk you out of marriage at 21. But my focus here is not just his age but his uncertainty. He's felt for 2 years that maybe she's not the one. That fact, along with everything else from his initial post, (his age, her age, her doing everything she can to prove herself and still he's unsure, etc.) forms my opinion.
I would suggest that they split up and see how he feels without her in his life. If he dates other people and this woman remains in his head and in his heart and he's miserable without her, then he will know.
@sozobe,
sozobe wrote:
Do you think 19 and 21 are substantially different?
Genuinely asking, I'm not sure. I think they're pretty similar.
They are and they aren't. It's only two years in one regard but it's two years of experience at a developmental time in life when all sorts of explorations are happening. Nineteen year olds are just getting out on their own, just figuring out what it means to not live with one's parents. Twenty-ones have been doing that for a couple years longer in most cases.
Also, 21 seventeen years ago is different than 19 today (or five years ago). At 21 I was married, graduated from college, owned a home, and was for all intents and purposes an adult. Nineteen today is much less mature than 21 when you were 21. Kids today live in an extended adolescence that lasts well into their 20s. I see bittersweet's 19/24 more on par with my 16 (began dating)/19 (got married)/ 30 (got divorced). We were simply too young and inexperienced to last a lifetime together.
I agree with JPB, and I don't know anyone in today's world who has gotten married at 21. I am so pleased to see that people wait a bit longer before they
commit and get married.
I was 25 years old when I first got married and in retrospect think, I was still
too young and sheltered to realize what it truly meant.
@eoe,
eoe wrote:
No soz, I don't see a big difference between 19 and 21. If you were my friend back then, I would have been trying like all get out to talk you out of marriage at 21. But my focus here is not just his age but his uncertainty. He's felt for 2 years that maybe she's not the one. That fact, along with everything else from his initial post, (his age, her age, her doing everything she can to prove herself and still he's unsure, etc.) forms my opinion.
I would suggest that they split up and see how he feels without her in his life. If he dates other people and this woman remains in his head and in his heart and he's miserable without her, then he will know.
Of course, she may not sit around waiting for him to come to this conclusion but, according to his description of her, I have a hunch that she probably will.
@eoe,
Yeah, that's the thing.
I don't know many people who have actually come back together after these hiatuses (hiati?).
If he makes the decision to break up now it has to be with the understanding that it may well be permanent, not just a little pause.
He's 24 now btw, not 19 -- I think that makes a difference since we're talking about 19-year-olds and such getting married. He's been with her for a while. (I was 25.5 when I got married, 24 when I agreed to marry him.)
I really don't know what the right answer is, I just don't think it's necessarily that clear cut. That if he was 19 when he met her, they can't get married.
@sozobe,
No one said that they CAN'T get married. I would advise against it is all. And that's only my opinion and nothing more.
@sozobe,
soz, I agree that these issues about age and marriage are never clear cut, but all we can go by are their current ages and their five year relationship experience. All we can do is approach their particular circumstance from some general thinking on this matter since we don't know them personally. Even then, I'm not sure we can provide them with the best advise.
I honestly think there is no such person as "the one", for anyone. It's more a decision, a commitment you make, with the best of intentions ...
Me, I've met "the one" three times in my life (so far! Ha! ). The first, when a student (love's young dream, it was - lasted 6 years), the second, in my mid-20s (marriage) & the third, in my 30s (lasted 20 years) . Plus a few other close calls thrown in, as well .... I don't regret any of those relationships.
The thing is, even with the best of all intentions, you can never be 100% certain of how any committed relationship will turn out, how long it will last. People change. Or one partner does & the other doesn't. Circumstances change. Anything can happen. I'm really quite in awe of couples who met young, or young-ish, made their commitment & somehow managed to stay together compatibly. I also know couple who have stayed together & should have parted, because they've made each other totally wretched. But, if you are having doubts even before making a commitment, it's probably best not to commit.
@msolga,
Agree, msolga.
But, first of all, don't do marriage when you are not clear about what that means to both of you..
