Ways to pull 10 year old into the real world

@FreeDuck,

Right, that's what I was thinking re: starting a book club but then if it becomes a more social thing, that's fine.

Maybe talk to him about not reading as much in after care? Or about why he chooses to read then? That does seem like a prime socializing opportunity. Do you have the kind of relationship with the people in charge (of aftercare) that you can ask them to steer things in a certain direction?

1 Reply

@sozobe,

sozobe wrote:

Right, that's what I was thinking re: starting a book club but then if it becomes a more social thing, that's fine.

Maybe talk to him about not reading as much in after care? Or about why he chooses to read then? That does seem like a prime socializing opportunity. Do you have the kind of relationship with the people in charge (of aftercare) that you can ask them to steer things in a certain direction?

Not really, but I could ask. The problem is that they all love the fact that he reads so much. I mean, reading = good, right? And I agree I just want him to balance himself a little. I think they also like it because it makes him easy to manage -- they can just ignore him because they know he's not going anywhere and won't be starting any trouble.

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@FreeDuck,

Right. That makes sense.

I think your instincts are right on this. And aftercare is a great opportunity -- I think with some sensitive prodding (and that's the rub, it'd have to be done right), he could make some good connections there that would a) make aftercare more fun and b) lead to out-of-school connections. (How many boys his age in aftercare? Just realized I was making assumptions that there are a lot -- maybe not.)

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@FreeDuck,

Quote:

The problem is that they all love the fact that he reads so much. I mean, reading = good, right? And I agree I just want him to balance himself a little. I think they also like it because it makes him easy to manage -- they can just ignore him because they know he's not going anywhere and won't be starting any trouble

or alternately they love that he knows who he is and what he wants, and is not afraid to go after it. Maybe they consider it the adults job to help kids come into their own, they don't think that it is right for the adults to attempt to manipulate kids into becoming what the adults want them to be.

Quote:

How to begin to educate a child. First rule, leave him alone. Second rule, leave him alone. Third rule, leave him alone. That is the whole beginning.

A touch repetitive, you might say, but these past two weeks, I've found that if I help Nick build with blocks, it never turns out well. My neatnik obsession with symmetry takes over, and I start rearranging the tower to my liking. Nick has his own ideas, and the result is tears. But if I leave him alone and say I'm not going to help, he comes and finds me in 15 minutes and shows me the great airport he's built. Same deal with Nick and Will attempting to play with each other. When I leave them alone in their room, it works out for the best. Though there was that one time Nick led Will into the bathroom and caused just a minor flood.

http://www.slate.com/id/2231321/entry/2232704/

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

Maybe they consider it the adults job to help kids come into their own

That's exactly what I see FreeDuck doing here.

Parents can't not impact their kids. Period. She's trying to figure out how to best help her son come into his own.

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@sozobe,

Quote:

She's trying to figure out how to best help her son come into his own

Has the kid been asked? I don't see an absence of opportunity for the kid to make other choices, I see a parent who does not like the choices her child has made. Push too hard and the message received will be that what he has chosen is unacceptable, that who and what he is is unacceptable. Much more likely than him changing course on what he does will be him changing his mind about the value of parents, and of what they say.

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@hawkeye10,

I agree about pushing too hard. From what I know of FreeDuck, and from what I've seen here, I don't think she'd push too hard, though.

Again, we can't not impact our kids. I think her concerns about him being locked into something socially -- and having a harder time getting out of it if he changes his mind later -- is more about giving him choices, not taking anything away.

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I'm with hawkeye10. Personally, as a father of 2 kids, and particularly as someone who was *just* like that kid at that age, I would absolutely do nothing whatsoever to intervene in his life and dictate to him how he should be. I would no more force a social life and sports program down his throat than I would force down a diet he didn't want. A 10 year old is plenty old enough to be autonomous and also plenty old enough to deeply resent being told how he should be thinking and acting. I had a forceful controlling father who thought that the boy needed taking out of himself and who was convinced he was right to do so. The boy resisted with great determination, thank God. I still see Dad most years, but I don't mind whether I do or not. Don't risk that.

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@sozobe,

10 years old is much too old to be having your mother arrange play dates, or talking to your teachers about how you do not play enough. How utterly humiliating that would be. It should be a conversation.....

I do not believe in running kids lives for them, once they can do for themselves they should be doing, with the parents watching from a distance, offering assistance when requested or when it is likely to be appreciated or when safety is in question. This helicopter parenting as talked about in this thread is bad for raising strong and healthy adults, thus it is bad for the health of the collective.

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@hawkeye10,

That's not even what we're talking about, though. We're not saying "arrange playdates," we're talking about what sorts of things he would WANT to do that would give him more socializing opportunities. Note how she said he didn't want to do scouts, and so scouts were out. Not, "force him to do scouts even if he doesn't want to."

What I had in mind with aftercare is subtle stuff... say he likes soccer, and usually they play four-square, which he doesn't like. Aftercare person brings out some soccer balls next week. A soccer game starts... or doesn't. He joins... or doesn't.

There doesn't have to be some mutually exclusive duality -- he reads, or he plays all day. He can do both, and enjoy both, and feel good about both. (I'm the mom of a social butterfly bookworm, to mix my insect metaphors.)

I'm totally against helicopter parenting, and have railed against it many times. I just got in (mild) trouble for letting my kid walk several blocks on her own. What we're talking about here is not helicopter parenting. It's parenting. It's thinking about stuff and figuring out what to do, if anything. "Do nothing" may still be the decision, dunno.

(Why do I bother, though, right? Will stop responding to this stuff and let this go back to FreeDuck's specific situation instead of providing an excuse for rants about "the collective.")

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I was one of those reader kids too and I turned out okay.

The thing that finally got me a bit more social was photography, but that was back in the dinosaur days where you had to spend time in the darkroom with other like minded kids. I don't know if that would work so well anymore.

Mo loved classes at the School of Rock -- they offer individual and group lessons. It's really considered an "after school program" with liberal drop in/hang out policies. It's pretty pricey though.

Acting might be a bit of a stretch for an introvert but writing might be fun. I've heard of some pretty cool writing programs where the kids write plays and other kids preform them.

Maybe some kind of science club? Mo did those "Weird Science" classes and had a blast.

Thinking.....

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Oh-- Do you have a Boys and Girls Club nearby?

A lot of the kids from Mo's school go there for aftercare (the school bus drops them off). It's $5 a year to join and they have all kinds of activities, help with homework, classes, etc., etc., etc.

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hawkeye10 wrote:

Much more likely than him changing course on what he does will be him changing his mind about the value of parents, and of what they say.

I was about 7 when I began to despise and resent my father. That set the pattern for the next 10 years. (In fact, the next 50)

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@Tai Chi,

I like it. Not fencing, necessairly, but something that will get him a little contact with people without the organization of a team, or boy scouts. I would like him to find something interesting to him, at which he can excel, even if nobody else in the world is doing it.

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@roger,

I wanted to fence when I was 10, but had no idea how to find a fencing club. Had to wait until college.

Even if serious fencing doesn't interest him, what about Society for Creative Anachronism?

I know that there's something called Wacky Whackers that let you stage mock sword fights. Is he interested in role playing games?

What's Dad like? Does Dad have hobbies that he could try to interest Duckie in? (This is Duckie, right?)

Social skills were my Achilles' Heel until my Sophomore or Junior year of High School. Introvert is fine; it's a parent's job to make sure he's not socially inept.

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You mentioned a best friend. If you can develop that more, that would be good. If he is hiding in books ALL the time and hasn't even got one friend, I'd be concerned.

You don't mention other things about him. Is he moody? irritable? eating disorder? over emotional? doing OK at school? flat personality? How is he in school? Many kids are very different when in school.

If everything is OK, I'd say leave him alone.

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@CalamityJane,

AHa!!

I was going to suggest something similar.

Since he loves reading, are they any book clubs for kids, the way there are for adults?

Then, he'd be interacting with other people who have the same love of reading as him.

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@sozobe,

sozobe wrote:

Would it be too weird to start a kid's book club? I did, at about his age... it deteriorated after a while (stopped talking about books, started goofing around) but it was fun.

yeah, but goofing around with other kids.

developing relationships.

googling, I got a fair number of ways to start one.

I hid in books too, and it was hard for me to learn the way to socialize with other children. Never did well with that (shrugs)

Whenever I was in situations that involved regular kids activities, like sports, I would completely shut down. Terrifying.

I wish I had been brought together with other kids that loved reading as much as I did.

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Does Mr Duck have any hobbies that he shares with Duckie? Does he have any hobbies that he shares with his own friends that could include Duckie?

Also --- how 'bout piano or guitar lessons. It's an individual pursuit now but in a couple years the garage bands will all be looking for keyboardists and guitar players.

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@sozobe,

Quote:

Would it be too weird to start a kid's book club?

I was about to suggest the same thing, soz. Or some other group activity based on his existing interests, like fantasy, perhaps?

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Ways to pull 10 year old into the real world

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