Everytime I think I have gotten the hang of the parenting thing, something else comes up

@OmSigDAVID,

Waste of time is an adult concept and particularly darting to a parent watching over the children. Passive aggressive for Kay - I recognize that in my old mind, though I rarely spoke that way, at least that I remember. Although Kay seems aggressive enough on the face of it.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

She's not, generally... this was really out of character for her. It was partly related to a characteristic of hers that I actually really like -- she and sozlet are both really straightforward, no-drama kids (usually!) They both get impatient with typical girly machinations and communicate in a more typically "male" way with each other. (In the Deborah Tannen, linguistic sense.) This has been a big part of their bond -- they are close for a while, then branch out to other friends who are all girly and drama-ish, and then they gravitate back towards each other for a breather from all that, and start really appreciating each other again.

Somewhat simplistic (more to it than that) but definitely an element of their friendship.

Anyway, I really love Kay, she's been at my house a million bazillion times over the past four years, and she's generally a really wonderful kid. Her grandpa recently died (her family is the one I baked the condolence casserole for) and I think that whole processing-death thing may have been an element too. I dunno.

We'll see how things develop from here.

2 Replies

@sozobe,

I'll have to check back, but wasn't she the one that started the snail unburial? If not, I'll pause in my worry.

Not to mention the uprooting of lillies of the valley, schniff.

2 Replies

@ossobuco,

I didn't see the beginning but I really don't think it was her. I only saw once the unburying was in process, and it was both of them then. Esse was the one who was saying "I just wanted to see the snail!!" when I was first trying to figure out what was going on, Kay wasn't saying much.

If I had to guess, I think it was probably something like:

- They were playing catch in the driveway (I saw this part)
- The thing they were throwing landed near the snail gravemarker
- Esse was the one to retrieve the thing and espy the snail gravemarker
- Esse started talking about it and digging
- Kay was nearby and joined in
- sozlet was further away and didn't know what was up long enough for them to get into the task
- she started trying to stop them
- quick escalation
- I came out (the rest I know)

Then for the rest, I think Kay a) HATES the drama and b) HATES being in trouble, and just wanted to get out of the situation. I think that on some level she thought she was being helpful (enough drama, let's go play).

2 Replies

@ossobuco,

I had the Tannen book, never read it, and it was one of the many I parted with.
Urg, lapse.

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@sozobe,

ok, see your take.

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@OmSigDAVID,

OmSigDAVID wrote:

How woud YOU have responded in that situation, Dadpad ?

Probably the same way robert did. That doesn't make it right though.

I made my suggestion of inviting the kids to shoot a few hoops using rational calm hindsight, which is always very easy to do not so easy to do in the moment.

You can't beat on someone elses kid in a public place so there is no point in making the threat.

Distract. Reward good behavior, ignore poor behavior. set rules and be firm.

1 Reply

@dadpad,

dadpad wrote:

OmSigDAVID wrote:

How woud YOU have responded in that situation, Dadpad ?

Probably the same way robert did. That doesn't make it right though.

I made my suggestion of inviting the kids to shoot a few hoops using rational calm hindsight,
which is always very easy to do not so easy to do in the moment.

You can't beat on someone elses kid in a public place so there is no point in making the threat.

Distract. Reward good behavior, ignore poor behavior. set rules and be firm.

What is the source of your authority
to set the rules that u will be firm about ?

How do u convince the gravel throwers
that u possess that authority ?

2 Replies

@sozobe,

I also see that as a room for the birth of passive aggressive. Maybe I'm being ornery. Just saying, watch.

And another plus to dadpad, as to just dealing with it all.

0 Replies

@OmSigDAVID,

Because he's bigger. Where did you think authority came from.

1 Reply

@roger,

roger wrote:

Because he's bigger. Where did you think authority came from.

How do u know he 's not a midget ?

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

nite dave.

1 Reply

@Rockhead,

Good nite, Rocky

0 Replies

@OmSigDAVID,

OmSigDAVID wrote:

What is the source of your authority
to set the rules that u will be firm about ?

Right is might rather than might is right.

1 Reply

@dadpad,

dadpad wrote:

OmSigDAVID wrote:

What is the source of your authority
to set the rules that u will be firm about ?

Quote:

Right is might rather than might is right.

Among men of honor, that is true!

0 Replies

@sozobe,

sozobe wrote:

She's not, generally... this was really out of character for her.
It was partly related to a characteristic of hers that I actually really like --
she and sozlet are both really straightforward, no-drama kids (usually!)
They both get impatient with typical girly machinations and
communicate in a more typically "male" way with each other.
(In the Deborah Tannen, linguistic sense.) This has been a big
part of their bond -- they are close for a while, then branch out
to other friends who are all girly and drama-ish, and then they
gravitate back towards each other for a breather from all that,
and start really appreciating each other again.

Point of Information, if I may:
among boys, if one of them spoke or acted too efeminate,
he might be subjected to kidding, or worse.

If girls "communicate in a more typically "male" way with each other"
how is that received among other girls ?

David

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

Well, I don't think they'd identify it as "male." I mean mostly that they tend to be very straightforward in their communication. Sozlet has many, many friends -- both male and female -- so it seems to be received pretty well.

The male equivalent would not be speaking in an effeminate way but having more of an agenda, using words as weapons (instead of fists), etc. I do know one boy like that, and he's pretty popular too. (He's very much a male version of Esse in a lot of ways. He's friends with my good friend's son Jay, and she says that Jay often comes home from spending time with this kid a complete brat. She used the word "reprogram." I see a lot of parallels with the Esse-Kay dynamic.)

1 Reply

@sozobe,

sozobe wrote:

Well, I don't think they'd identify it as "male." I mean mostly that they tend to be very straightforward in their communication. Sozlet has many, many friends -- both male and female -- so it seems to be received pretty well.

The male equivalent would not be speaking in an effeminate way
but having more of an agenda, using words as weapons (instead of fists), etc.
I do know one boy like that, and he's pretty popular too.
(He's very much a male version of Esse in a lot of ways.
He's friends with my good friend's son Jay, and she says that
Jay often comes home from spending time with this kid a complete brat.
She used the word "reprogram." I see a lot of parallels with the Esse-Kay dynamic.)

"Having more of an agenda" means being well organized? Yes? No?

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

No. In this sense, it means, for example, making disparaging comments about how much someone is eating when that person is a little overweight with the intent of making that person feel bad and getting a psychological advantage -- making a power play.

1 Reply

@sozobe,

I see; thank u.

David

0 Replies

Everytime I think I have gotten the hang of the parenting thing, something else comes up

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